Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-07-2013, 08:05 PM
PolyPA PolyPA is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 4
Default Being Fair

I have a partner of almost 6 years and a Gf of a year. Both women have no other partners or bf's. The problem I'm having is not being able to please both women. Im at home 4 to 5 days a week and see my gf 2 some times 3 days a week. My gf always wants more because she hates being alone. and my partner can't really handle me being away more than 2 sometimes 3 days a week.

So questions

1. How often do you all see your secondary be it gf or bf.
2. Have I given my gf too much of myself??
2. How do I make things better.

I need some insight.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-07-2013, 08:47 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Quote:
1. How often do you all see your secondary be it gf or bf.
2. Have I given my gf too much of myself??
3. How do I make things better.
1. It really doesn't matter what other people do. What they should generally do is find a way that they can meet their needs of their partner(s) and themselves or admit that they have in incompatibility that prevents that,and terminate the romantic relationship.

2. Probably not. She does need to acknowledge that a) she started a relationship with someone who also has another, highly entangled relationship to maintain and that means that you have obligations to meet the needs of another person as well as her. and b) that there are ways within ethically non monogamous relationships to get your needs met by more than one person. If she chooses not to do that, or you are stopping her from doing so, you are effectively removing a solution that would give some more certainty to the future of your relationship.

3) Encourage her to see other people and perhaps develop a relationship that is similarly entangled to your other relationship. Consider what you want: do you want to see your girlfriend more than you do at the moment, or does the amount you see her work for you? Do you want to possibly spend more time away from home with her? Your job isn't just to meet everyone else's needs. You need to consider you as well.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-07-2013, 08:51 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 396
Default

It honestly sounds like you have a very decent split. Particularly if it is okay that say if there's an extended time you want to spend with the gf (say you guys have a major event like her birthday or your anniversary) you can (ditto in regards to your partner).

Your girlfriend gets lonely. Remind her that you have the obligations to your other partner and this is time she can either spend with friends or have time if she was to get another partner.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
N8: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: N8 girlfriend
Ruby: Part of the Leather Family
Logan: Leather Sir in the Family
Arc: Logan's boy
Holly: Leather family
K: Holly's sub
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-07-2013, 09:59 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,352
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyPA View Post
1. How often do you all see your secondary be it gf or bf.
2. Have I given my gf too much of myself??
2. How do I make things better.
I don't have primary/secondary ranks for my loved ones, but I'll answer the spirit of the question.
1. I spend time with people as time is available and there is interest (from both parties)
2. See answer to question 1
3. Take responsibility for your time and let them take responsibility for their insecurities.
If how you spend your time currently is how you want to spend your time then you are doing it exactly right. It's good that your partners want to spend time with you, it is also good for them to realize that, in life, we don't always get exactly what we want.

They are grown ups, I assure you they will not die of their crippling loneliness if they only get to spend X nights with you instead of Y. If they are starving for interaction then they need to go get that taken care of.
__________________
Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-08-2013, 02:44 AM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,293
Default

1. How often do you all see your secondary be it gf or bf.

I DON'T do the whole primary secondary thing. I see my bf as often as our schedules allow. If I remember right you have newborns at home. Your wife needs your help at home.

2. Have I given my gf too much of myself??

Your girlfriend needs to either learn to deal with your limited schedule due to having young children. Kids come first over adults. Life changes.

2. How do I make things better.

Be honest and do the right thing for your children.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-08-2013, 03:00 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,352
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Kids come first over adults. Life changes.
If you have priorities in your life which trump all other priorities then they should be treated accordingly. If "the kids" happens to be the ultimate priority then everyone (this includes the wife, the girlfriend, you, your friends) needs to understand that all needs of this ultimate priority will be met before any others are even considered.

If they don't understand that you have an ultimate override priority then you need to explain it to them explicitly (and hopefully immediately).

Once the needs of this ultimate priority are met, however... adults should be treated as though they can take care of themselves. This means that you are responsible for how you spend your time and they are responsible for how they deal with it.
__________________
Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 09-08-2013, 03:08 AM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,293
Default

Sorry newborn TWINS come over your girlfriends needs. PERIOD.

She needs to do the right thing and understand .

Your wife is a SAINT to give up her partner 2 to 3 nights a week. She needs your help. I only had one baby ata time and I remember there were days I couldn't even get a shower.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-08-2013, 03:29 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,352
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Sorry newborn TWINS come over your girlfriends needs. PERIOD.
Well, without putting emotional blackmail behind the assertion, multiple newborns would seem to be an ultimate priority which needs to be addressed, causing all other priorities to be irrelevant.

He and his co-parent should discuss what the time requirements are... meet them... and then the remaining time (if there is any) falls under the jurisdiction of the person who has it.
__________________
Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 09-08-2013, 03:34 AM
alibabe_muse's Avatar
alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 346
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Sorry newborn TWINS come over your girlfriends needs. PERIOD.

She needs to do the right thing and understand .

Your wife is a SAINT to give up her partner 2 to 3 nights a week. She needs your help. I only had one baby ata time and I remember there were days I couldn't even get a shower.
And there are days when no matter what the caregiver of a newborn tries, there is non-stop crying. One day with my first, I was in tears while hub was at work. I tried nursing, burping, diaper changes, anything but no luck.

You have twins and that's double the work. I agree your wife is an awesome lady to give you up that number of nights. Your priority is those babies.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 09-08-2013, 03:49 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,976
Default

What do YOU want? Do you like the time arrangement how it is? Just seeking clarification.

Quote:
2. How do I make things better.
For who? Kids? Wife? You? GF? All of you?

What is the desired outcome? You do not specify.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-08-2013 at 03:16 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:24 AM.