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Old 09-06-2013, 06:08 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Vancouver Island, BC
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Default Looking forward to learning & growing

Hi everyone,

My sweet wife and I have been together for just over 4 years, have kids together, and a couple more kids from previous relationships. We, like many couples, have happy memories and struggles, and try our hardest to keep the focus on how happy our lives are in comparision to our pasts, especially when we aren't connecting or times are tough. There have been medical issues and other relationship dynamics over the years that have challenged our relationship.

We love each other more than we can express, however the emotional pains we have suffered due to our limited intimate and sexual relationship have tested our marriage.

We both have read and contemplated some form of polyamory or non-monogamous marriage, but it was only recently that we had an open and frank discussion that we were both willing to consider possibly changing how we look at our marriage. Our bond and belief in us as a married couple are paramount to our happiness, so looking outside the box has been a welcome alternative to the standard separation people consider when it looks like all hope is lost for connection again. She suggested that she would be fine with me dating on the side as long as communication was open.

So over the last couple of weeks, the flood doors have opened for us! I have been casually dating a local woman that knows about our dynamic, and my wife has a great sense of relief, and I a great sense of contentment. We both feel validated and so far everything feels very natural. It has also forced us to talk. A lot! The complete opposite of us as burnt out parents with the stresses of raising many kids, and zoning out on the internet to end each and every day.

The biggest surprise has been how much more we now enjoy hanging out together, talking about my experiences, and working through a lot of the readings we have been doing on polyamory, non-monogamous relationships, our boundaries and comfort levels etc...

Another big shift has been that she didn't know how much it would excite her for me to please another woman. She feels that the pressure to have sex with me has been removed, and that alone has created a dramatic increase in us being intimate and having sex again. It is like opening our marriage has not necessarily saved it (as it wasn't something we ever wanted to give up on), but has enhanced our communication, trust, and contentment. Stuff you probably already know, but it is new for us.

She is very much a person that exudes compersion, excitement for my sexual adventures, and I feel fully supported. I hope that with my journey I can focus and overcome some of my jealousy issues with the thought of her having other men as lovers, as well as through readings and forums like this one. I tend to flip flop emotionally between loving the idea of her having male lovers and fantasizing about it, realistically considering the idea, then feeling concern about how I will emotionally manage the day it happens. I have a song I have always used as inspiration over the years by King Missile, called Gary & Melissa. I want to achieve that level of trust and love and use our open marriage to heighten our passion for each other.

She has set a beautiful example of support for me by showing love for me in my experiences. We have discussed her exploring with other women emotionally and/or sexually(which doesn't cause me any negative feelings), and I support her with the same support she has shown me.

It is all brand new for us, and I look forward to participating on the forum and learning more about the person I want to become.

Last edited by Vicarious; 09-06-2013 at 06:26 PM.
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  #2  
Old 09-06-2013, 06:49 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Location: New England USA
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Default Welcome

Welcome Vicarious - and good luck !
It seems your biggest fear is crossing that boundary of your mate indulging in some sex with another male. Obviously a common problem in our society but actually rather easy to cross. If/when you feel you need some help/support feel free to come back to us with questions.
Lots of people here have been there before and can help you develop your own roadmap.

GS
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Old 09-06-2013, 07:12 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Vancouver Island, BC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Welcome Vicarious - and good luck !
It seems your biggest fear is crossing that boundary of your mate indulging in some sex with another male. Obviously a common problem in our society but actually rather easy to cross. If/when you feel you need some help/support feel free to come back to us with questions.
Lots of people here have been there before and can help you develop your own roadmap.

GS
Thank you! We have talked about it a lot. I enjoy working on this and other things with her. Communication has been key to making me feel valued and desired as her primary person, and the same goes for me making her feel loved and cherished. Intellectually I have nothing to fear, but my emotional reaction tells me that communication will be the key.
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Old 09-06-2013, 08:48 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Location: Olympia, Washington
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Greetings Vicarious,
Welcome to our forum.

You've certainly been fortunate to have such a supportive wife, and, I'm sure, when the time comes, you'll be able to support her too. Have a look around at the various threads and boards on our site and see what interests you. If something arouses a thought, question, or concern, please don't hesitate to post it.

I enjoyed your story and was glad that polyamory turned out to be such a shot in the arm to your closeness and communication. Hope your stay on Polyamory.com will be an enjoyable one.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 09-06-2013, 09:07 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Vancouver Island, BC
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Greetings Vicarious,
Welcome to our forum.

You've certainly been fortunate to have such a supportive wife, and, I'm sure, when the time comes, you'll be able to support her too. Have a look around at the various threads and boards on our site and see what interests you. If something arouses a thought, question, or concern, please don't hesitate to post it.

I enjoyed your story and was glad that polyamory turned out to be such a shot in the arm to your closeness and communication. Hope your stay on Polyamory.com will be an enjoyable one.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thank you
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