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  #11  
Old 09-05-2013, 11:51 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you are struggling.

You seem to have several things going on there. You seem isolated and lonely in your environmental health and social health.

Are you willing to learn to drive? Is he willing to teach you or can you take lessons? Can you get out during the day by bus or other method to make friends and volunteer and get involved somewhere? You sound kind of... cabin fever-y.

Quote:
I just need communication about poly. To know that he’s thinking about it, that he’s trying to understand me.
I would reframe it as...

"I need to be understood. I would like him to demonstrate that he is trying to understand me by engaging in conversation with me, take an interest in my day, my life, the things I want to talk about like poly, SEE me. Take an interest in maintaining our relationship by participating in it rather than seeming to take it/me for granted"


You seem to crave mental intimacy and stimulus and sound lonely in your marriage -- could it be something of the mono-poly wanting to be understood thing as well as "general" lonely and SAHM cabin fever?

Quote:
If he would honestly say "I thought I could do this, but I can't because of X, Y, and Z" and gave me time to grieve, I believe I could become ok with being Mono.
Are YOU willing to just ask him all that? So you can stop being at this place of suffering? So you can process grief and then arrive at a better space? The space where you are ok with being polyamorous in a monoship?

Maybe something like...
"You seem like you are at this place -- "I thought I could do this but I find I cannot."

Could you be willing to tell me if you ARE at that place? Are you willing/able to tell me why you might be at that place so I can understand you?

I believe I could be ok with being a polyamorous person in a monoship if I understood you and where you are coming from. I crave close connection with you, and would like you to be willing to open up to me. Are you willing to open up to me?"
There you seem lonely for emotional intimacy. The sharing of feelings with each other.

And the lack of connection/intimacy in your environmental/social health, mental health, emotional health? It's dinging your in your spiritual health. You seem like you are in poor spirit.

Is that where you are at?

You seem to be denying yourself healing because what? You don't want to have to be the one to start the ball rolling? Something else?

You seem resentful toward him that "he denies me healing because he does not mind reader my want for him to say it first." You attitude seems to be "Just SAY IT so I can start to heal!"

You know you could start to heal whenever YOU want, right? He doesn't have to say anything. It isn't him holding you back. You are responsible for your own health and well being. He could help support you in that as your partner if that is your shared agreement for marriage, but YOU are the one ultimately responsible for that.

Or is this about this sentence and fearfulness?

Quote:
"I believe I could become ok with being Mono."
Could you be avoiding initiating that conversation yourself because you are afraid you might find out that "Hey... turns out I am NOT ok being polyamorous in a monoship. Now I have to deal with that discovery."

So rather than you helping to move it forward, you help keep it in the stuck by blaming him? Because he seems to be "avoidy" about other issues so it is handy to dump all the "avoidy" on to his plate?

Are you both willing to take emotional responsibility for co-creating this situation between you? And start moving it forward? Could think about changing to a different conflict resolution style than "avoid" style to see if that serves you BETTER.

Your own health and well being and the health and well being of your marriage could take more hit points if you both keeping shying away from authentic conversation with each other just because you both have "avoid" style conflct resolution and are not willing to try something else.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-06-2013 at 12:25 AM.
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  #12  
Old 09-06-2013, 03:17 AM
theresnoquestion theresnoquestion is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
You sound irrationally pissed off and I suggest you dial that WAY down if you actually intend on addressing this situation with anything but a claw hammer.
Not to jump on OP's post but damn..I need someone to remind me of this every.single.day lol lol...or at least when I'm being impulsive haha.
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  #13  
Old 09-06-2013, 08:40 AM
london london is online now
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I think what you need to remember that he isn't wrong for wanting less than polyamory, for wanting a form of ethical non monogamy that is closer to monogamy because it restricts emotional availability outside of the primary relationship. He doesn't need to change, he doesn't need to evolve, he doesn't need to achieve the poly status. He is just him and he doesn't want his wife having other romantic, loving relationships outside of their marriage. That might not be compatible with your long term needs and you have to decide whether you want to change what you need and be happy with something closer to monogamy, or you want to end your marriage to pursue polyamorous relationships.

Quote:
I told her that I needed to decompress when I came home and that, if she would give me an hour of peace after I came home that I would be much more likely to join her in some of her energy level. It worked well enough, I felt less like she was draining the life out of me and she had a "schedule" for her anxiety.
If you see here, Marcus clearly sees his need to not interact with his partner as more important than her need to interact. Now, of course, it's his need so that is going to be high up in his list of Important Things but look at what that is actually saying to your partner: "my needs come first". Why couldn't he agree to interact for an hour and then be left in peace? Why must the thing he wants come first? Why must the thing she wants come second? Yes, they reached a compromise, but a compromise that clearly stated that her needs are of less importance, are less relevant and less "right" than his. In truth, neither of them are right or wrong, they are just wholly incompatible.
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  #14  
Old 09-06-2013, 11:59 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
If you see here, Marcus clearly sees his need to not interact with his partner as more important than her need to interact. Now, of course, it's his need so that is going to be high up in his list of Important Things but look at what that is actually saying to your partner: "my needs come first". Why couldn't he agree to interact for an hour and then be left in peace? Why must the thing he wants come first? Why must the thing she wants come second? Yes, they reached a compromise, but a compromise that clearly stated that her needs are of less importance, are less relevant and less "right" than his. In truth, neither of them are right or wrong, they are just wholly incompatible.
There is a school of thought that indicates if we attend to our own needs first, we are far more effective at attending to others needs - along the line of "put your own oxygen mask on first." I suppose in less than the plane is about to crash circumstances, it might be better to look at whose need is most dire, and whether we want our loves to address our need in the most efficient manner available or if "now" is more important.

Either is a valid answer, but results may vary.
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  #15  
Old 09-06-2013, 12:11 PM
london london is online now
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Quote:
There is a school of thought that indicates if we attend to our own needs first, we are far more effective at attending to others needs
Yes, and as you sort of said, that's a two way thing: he might be better at interacting with her in the way she needs after he has alone time, but she also might be better at allowing him alone time after a period of her preferred interaction. If he gave her what she needed first, she might be able to give him alone time more "efficiently", without sitting there sighing and tapping her fingers. If she waited, he might genuinely give her the interaction she needs rather than sort of feigning it. All of that is totally true. You can just see from the way he phrased it that he thought her need was less important than his, less "right", because he views people who need that sort of thing as "wrong" for needing it.
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  #16  
Old 09-06-2013, 08:18 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
If you see here, Marcus clearly sees his need to not interact with his partner as more important than her need to interact. Now, of course, it's his need so that is going to be high up in his list of Important Things but look at what that is actually saying to your partner: "my needs come first". Why couldn't he agree to interact for an hour and then be left in peace? Why must the thing he wants come first? Why must the thing she wants come second? Yes, they reached a compromise, but a compromise that clearly stated that her needs are of less importance, are less relevant and less "right" than his. In truth, neither of them are right or wrong, they are just wholly incompatible.
OH DEAR !

Ok - I gotta get on this !

London, all interactions are not founded in a competition ! Sometimes (all times actually) the horse needs to come before the cart LOL. Don't try to run before you walk etc.
I would ask YOU to go back on your own (above quote) and run a little analysis on it Although in theory and perfect worlds etc there would always be perfect balance - i.e. you defer to my needs EXACTLY as much as I defer to yours etc, this is the real world we're talking about. And sometimes the situation/circumstance is what has to get deferred to and it may just be that it seems to favor one party or another. But in reality, it's not about a person at all - but the circumstance.

In this case I'd suspect that being forced into just one more "duty" before having time to decompress from a day's worth would result in lackluster results. Nothing genuine - just going through the motions. Cart before the horse.

Possibly you've never lived an intense enough life to truly understand this ? Maybe an age/experience thing ? Doesn't matter.
Point being - PLEASE - don't think the world is all about me vs you, his vs hers etc. If only the universe were that simple .................LOL

GS
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  #17  
Old 09-06-2013, 09:01 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default It sounds like

you are tired of being ignored, as if it doesn't matter who brings it up so long as you are able to discuss the things that are important to you. When a partner refuses to discuss topics that are obviously subjects of concern for you, yes you will become agitated from feeling ignored.

Wrong timing is one thing, and when it is -- if you did bring up the subject at an inconvenient time -- you likely wouldn't be frustrated had you been informed that it isn't that he is not willing to discuss the topic, that when he gets home he will be glad to talk about it or an hour after he gets home to give him time to clear his head.

Sometimes people are clueless about how much easier it is to deal with a concern when you know that it will be dealt with later, and some people are passive aggressive manipulators, so you may want to make sure he knows that when you have certain concerns that you need to know that they will be addressed or at least discussed, that if it is not a good time that he will at least let you know when that time will be.

Regardless of whether or not the two are on the same page as to the things in life that you see as important -- as in you don't have to be of the same beliefs -- however you cannot ignore the things that are important to each other because is it not healthy for those you care about, who supposedly also care about you, it is not healthy for their words or behavior to communicate that you are not important, that the your concerns are of no significance because you are insignificant, or in any way "less than" in the overall grand scheme of things.

Yes, timing is everything and life will also have emergencies or just needs to be lived in a way that reflects a system of priorities of importance, but that is a far cry away from ignoring the concerns of a person you are in a loving relationship with, so if it's anything like a Master and puppy relationship you had better understand that your needs will be about as important as the family pet, if not there is going to be an upset woman who wishes to be treated as a person as opposed to a dog

Which is not going to work well for you unless you naturally desire to have your life be lived according to the priorities of your Master

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 09-06-2013 at 09:03 PM. Reason: typo
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  #18  
Old 09-07-2013, 11:04 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spiderlady View Post
We don't really talk about anything I guess. Work ~ which I have to ask "how was work" or "the guys do anything funny today?" or the kids. All which I bring up. He comes home and zones. Even on the weekend when he has no work, he zones. If I don't start the conversations, I feel like we wouldn't talk at all..
I wonder how much this is the fundamental problem, and talking about poly has just become an example of it. Is there a difference in his lack of responsiveness to poly-oriented discussions and to those about other things? Or is it just that poly is what you need to talk about right now, and so that is where you are aware of the lack of responsiveness?

It does sound like developing an additional social/emotional network would be of great benefit to you.

I think it might also help you or him to take a look at these books, and think about where your current manners of communication fit it and how they are affecting you. Also, do you think he actually understands what you are looking for from him? If your needs are very different from his, to what extent does he truly understand yours?

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principl...+marriage+work

http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-...+hold+me+tight
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  #19  
Old 09-07-2013, 05:03 PM
london london is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
OH DEAR !

Ok - I gotta get on this !

London, all interactions are not founded in a competition ! Sometimes (all times actually) the horse needs to come before the cart LOL. Don't try to run before you walk etc.
I would ask YOU to go back on your own (above quote) and run a little analysis on it Although in theory and perfect worlds etc there would always be perfect balance - i.e. you defer to my needs EXACTLY as much as I defer to yours etc, this is the real world we're talking about. And sometimes the situation/circumstance is what has to get deferred to and it may just be that it seems to favor one party or another. But in reality, it's not about a person at all - but the circumstance.

In this case I'd suspect that being forced into just one more "duty" before having time to decompress from a day's worth would result in lackluster results. Nothing genuine - just going through the motions. Cart before the horse.

Possibly you've never lived an intense enough life to truly understand this ? Maybe an age/experience thing ? Doesn't matter.
Point being - PLEASE - don't think the world is all about me vs you, his vs hers etc. If only the universe were that simple .................LOL

GS
Ok, firstly, I am a single autistic mother of an autistic child and I was also a midwife in a inner London NHS Hospital, a highly stressful job with many responsibilities and arduous working conditions that I shall hopefully be returning to soon. Hopefully that dispels your attempt at belittling me through offensive condescension. If you read on, you'd see that I made the majority of your post unnecessary in my next post where I said:

Quote:
Yes, and as you sort of said, that's a two way thing: he might be better at interacting with her in the way she needs after he has alone time, but she also might be better at allowing him alone time after a period of her preferred interaction. If he gave her what she needed first, she might be able to give him alone time more "efficiently", without sitting there sighing and tapping her fingers. If she waited, he might genuinely give her the interaction she needs rather than sort of feigning it. All of that is totally true.
What I am talking about is that their compromise said that his needs always come first. He chills and then they interact. I am not debating whether his need to chill after work is actually more important than her need to gossip with him. Personally, I agree that it is more important and she should chat to her friends if she feels lonely, but it's the fact that their compromise automatically dismissed her needs as secondary to his. The fact that she has been waiting to interact with him all day isn't as vital as the fact that he has been waiting to chill all day. My personal opinion is that is not the best way to reach a successful compromise over a long term.
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