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  #1  
Old 09-02-2013, 03:40 PM
Newbipoly Newbipoly is offline
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Default Not expecting this

Hello all. So I'm brand new to this whole idea. I have always had an intrest in it but was not looking for it. Let me cut to the chase. A few weeks back I was looking to give my hubby a great birthday present. We both always talked about a threesome and I thought I would surprise him with one. I ended up telling him about it and he said that he wanted to see me with both another man and another women, so we joined a swingers site. Right away we met another couple and hit it off with them. Bug time now the wife and Iare in a realationsgio. She is my girlfriend and her hubby and I are friends with benefits and vice versa. We are all very happy , really happy actually have started talking about telling family and such. My question is any advice? How do I keep my spouse happy and secure? He has been getting a lot more loving, and more attention from me. Also I have teenagers.. They seem to suspect somthjng. How do I explain it? How much do I tell them. I also have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. They have a 2 and 4 . How do I tell my family? Thank you so much for reading I look forward to your responses.
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  #2  
Old 09-03-2013, 01:41 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default It's not a decision to be made lightly

you may be getting a little ahead of yourself and if you are not careful you will likely trip. The world isn't ready to be involved in the most private interactions of your life -- at least not without inadvertently causing hardships -- So if you do choose to be out proud & loud, just realize you are inviting a lot of negativity into your life, it often ends up destroying relationships as it will "test" your relationship. I wouldn't recommend doing so without a strong and well established system of support

the kind that recognizes the difference between harming and helping

because there is a difference between good deeds, and good intentions

You might want to wait until you know your husband is on board and this is the life he truly desires, because it isn't rare that once close family members will suddenly see your behavior as irresponsible, bad, and even evil when often the case is anything but, however keep in mind that it is all to easy to find yourself "loving foolishly"

which should be avoided regardless of mono or polyamory


Your children at any age -- until they are in the same stage as you are in your life -- will not benefit from such detailed information about your personal sex life. So unless they are recognized by a county as "married" and have kids of their own, now is not the time to begin explaining details of your personal, private, sexual encounters. Did you have discussions with your children regarding the finer details of "sex ed" or was it left to the school system? While their are some parents who have raised their children with strict infusion of reality, it is a very difficult line to toe and still allow them their childhood innocence of not having the knowledge of just how cruel and unusual this world can be when humans lose sight of humanity.

Some parents have fostered relationships wherein the time comes for sex ed and their children do ask of specific, detailed, personal experiences. And to be honest, their households probably had an complete absence of "the media" in their household because most raised in today's river of Egypt society children plug their ears and run away screaming -- even though the "programmed" displays of media have attempted to present a clean, presteen, perfect model.

However much like our denial of reality that most media is broadcasted only to make money, that perfect world displayed is programmed. And that is a reality, just like the reality that people who are in such a firm grip of denial, they believe questioning your children about your sex life is "looking out for their best interest"

if you're lucky they won't approach your kids and only attempt to convince your husband that you couldn't really care about him or your children.

It's a sad truth that humans have trouble understanding other humans, and the reason is because so many humans choose to live in denial. It's much more convenient and easier to justify lying to others and ourselves than it is to practice honesty.

"Loving the neighbor as thyself" does not mean being infatuated with them, it means empathy, it means being able to put yourself in their position so that the way you understand your own feelings can be the understanding you allow them the benefit of your self knowledge. What I mean by that is most people understand how they can desire others and not have it affeect their love for their spouse yet have trouble understanding how their spouse can desire to love another and not have their love of you diminished

But the only way to have love not be affected is to be responsible, and that [being responsible with truth and love] along with being able to understand others as you understand yourself is the hard part

and lucky for monogamists that the exact same irresponsible behavior and not genuinely caring for spouses in they way we think we do and the failed relationships left in the wake do not have the destructive help of a bigoted society who they themselves are in denial about their own hatred.

Yes, it isn't easy to have poly relationships with children in your household, HOWEVER appropriate levels of displayed affection do not damage children, and it truly is the human race's failure as a society that is the root of the problem, it's that denial which keeps us from being honest that prevents us from listening to ourselves when we know the truth, because we all have no problem what-so-ever distinguishing between hatred and love -- at least not after the fact -- but only when we take the time to reflect on our actions daily, as we all get emotional and temporarily forget what we know

and we all know these things

it's just easier today to take the convenient road, but it leads us to a shitty tomorrow unless we choose to remember


Sorry for the heaviness of my reply, I hope you and any reader do recognize that I genuinely believe this, and honestly am trying to write something that will help. It just seems so much easier to solve all the problems if we're going to solve one, if that makes any sense.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 09-03-2013 at 02:01 AM. Reason: typo
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  #3  
Old 09-03-2013, 01:54 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Welcome to the forum! I would say that this is just like any type of relationship. Take time (18 to 24 months) to see of the relationship(s) are secure and lasting. If they seem to be strong after that much time, then you could consider sharing- but only with people who are open to non- monogamy.

I mention the idea of non-monogamy first. If the person I am wanting to share with is against the concept- I do not share my situation with them.

Even if they are open to the concept doesn't mean that they will be happy for you.

You may want to do a search on NRE. I suspect that is where you are and that is great, but it makes us think that we want to shout to the world and the world doesn't always want to hear it.

Enjoy your situation, it sounds awesome! Just remember that you can develop and enjoy your relationships without having validation from everyone else!
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Old 09-03-2013, 02:20 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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How?

However feels right to you.

I don't lie to my kids. My boyfriend lives with us. All of the kids know we love each other and we are a couple just like mommy and daddy are a couple.

Currently, I am sitting in the rain by a raging campfire with bf and the 2 youngest kids (13 & 6yrs). Dh was here but has to work tomorrow so went home a day early.
Our oldest is almost 22. Her sons are 2 yrs and 3 months. They also see me with both Dh & bf.

Additionally-family, friends, coworkers, classmates know because they see. We kiss hello/goodbye, hold hands etc. shrug.

Homestly, it hasnt resulted in drama or negativity. People who are judgmental leave. The people who remain are dependable, open minded, accepting.
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  #5  
Old 09-03-2013, 02:25 AM
Newbipoly Newbipoly is offline
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Thumbs up

Thank you both so much for your well thought out responses. To the first poster your post was thoughtful and insightful. I did not seem negative but realistic. I assure you I have a good head on my shoulders and know about age appropriate sharing. ( although we are very open with them. Thank you for your advice. To the second poster I suspect you are right and will look that up. The lines of communication are open and hubby was actually feeling some jealousy in the last week, I also happened to be suck. We talked about it, he even looked it up. So for right now things are great and I need to realize this is brand new and the first relationship I have ever had with another women. Thank you both so much. I look forward to your advice and insight in the future.
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  #6  
Old 09-03-2013, 02:29 AM
Newbipoly Newbipoly is offline
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To the third responder thank you for bringing it a face to this. Unfortunately this will be a long distance thing with both if us committing to travel. Another reason why it going to become obvious soon. Thank you for your story.
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  #7  
Old 09-04-2013, 07:55 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
How?

However feels right to you.

I don't lie to my kids. My boyfriend lives with us. All of the kids know we love each other and we are a couple just like mommy and daddy are a couple.

Currently, I am sitting in the rain by a raging campfire with bf and the 2 youngest kids (13 & 6yrs). Dh was here but has to work tomorrow so went home a day early.
Our oldest is almost 22. Her sons are 2 yrs and 3 months. They also see me with both Dh & bf.

Additionally-family, friends, coworkers, classmates know because they see. We kiss hello/goodbye, hold hands etc. shrug.

Homestly, it hasnt resulted in drama or negativity. People who are judgmental leave. The people who remain are dependable, open minded, accepting.
Thanks for sharing this. Some of our family, and all of our coworkers know, but I know there will come a day when BF and i are seen in public (we are very affectionate) by someone and the cat will be more out of the back. this gives me hope for the future of being 'out'
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  #8  
Old 09-04-2013, 08:06 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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We just live our lives. I do not have to explain my choices to everyone. If people have a problem they can move on out of my life. I do not feel the need to scream my life choices from the roof tops. I live all aspects of my life that way.

My kids see me with both my husband and my bf. Dad is dad Murf is Murf. They know both guys love and care about them very much. That is all they care about. They are 6 and 10.
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  #9  
Old 09-06-2013, 02:42 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
My kids see me with both my husband and my bf. Dad is dad Murf is Murf. They know both guys love and care about them very much. That is all they care about. They are 6 and 10.
Same with mine so far, but they are younger 7,5,2. they adore their dad, and when Nudge is around they think of him as a great friend. I dont think it matters much otherwise.
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  #10  
Old 09-06-2013, 06:48 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Newbipoly View Post
A few weeks back I was looking to give my hubby a great birthday present. ...we joined a swingers site. Right away we met another couple...
I know I use the term 'the other day' very loosely. But if you only brought this up literally 'a few weeks back,' then joined a swingers site, then met this couple...you still can't have even known them more than a week or two.

This is still practically first date excitement.

You have no idea where you'll be with this couple in three weeks, let alone a year, let alone five.
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