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Old 09-22-2013, 01:02 PM
countryguy countryguy is offline
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My wife and have been trying to start a V with a guy she has known for some time and she is wanting to go spend a couple of nights with him in a few weeks for the first time ever. We have discussed some of our own rules but never put anything in writing. So the other day I went and started to make a draft of them, well at least my concerns. Gave them to her to look over and I know some of them she would object totally to. And others she would just want modified a little. I never thought that a couple of them hurt her feelings, she also said that I was thinking way to much about it. I told her that this is just a draft about my concerns and just want her to make what changes to what I have and then we can come up with a final set. And all I was trying to do was protect our marriage.
So I wonder if I really screwed up trying to do the right thing. Or is there something else I have overlooked. And I told her I ahead of time that I was doing this draft of the rules and guidelines and hope to have it were she can review it this weekend.
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Old 09-22-2013, 01:06 PM
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I don't see anything wrong with guidelines, especially in the early weeks, months or years of being new to polyamory.

But, emotions do run high and I am also not surprised your wife reacted the way she did. Especially since she is the one with NRE (new relationship energy) which is a very charged hormonal state. Some people don't understand when you're in one relationship, you can't just let the NRE with new shiny person carry you away, as it could if you were single.
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Old 09-22-2013, 02:14 PM
JustUs JustUs is offline
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I don't see anything wrong with guidelines either. I do believe writing it down can open doors to conversations and topics that may be hard to bring up. Communication is the key and like any relationship, poly relationships change and grow as things go along. You may find yourself more comfortable with certain things as the relationships go along and you are more comfortable with her boyfriend also.
Being open and up front with her boyfriend helps a lot too. My wife's boyfriend and I are really good friends and have a lot of respect for each other. You don't have to be friends, but I think it makes thing easier/better.
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Old 09-22-2013, 03:00 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Communication is always key and writing things down a good way to get any concerns out of your head where they can be addressed.

That said, like any form of communication, presentation is very important. I may be off base, but if you hurt your wife's feelings, I am wondering if you presented something in a way that indicated you don't trust her?
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Old 09-22-2013, 07:59 PM
countryguy countryguy is offline
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The one thing that I think did hurt her the most was the one about if she got pregnant on accident. I put in there cause her and I don't have our kids yet being we only been married 4 months and I have a daughter who is from my previous marriage. And then also I rather her and I have a baby or 2 before she accidentally have one with him. And also the fact the that it will be really hard to explain why she is pregnant when I need to get unfixed first.
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Old 09-22-2013, 08:20 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by countryguy View Post
The one thing that I think did hurt her the most was the one about if she got pregnant on accident. I put in there cause her and I don't have our kids yet being we only been married 4 months and I have a daughter who is from my previous marriage. And then also I rather her and I have a baby or 2 before she accidentally have one with him. And also the fact the that it will be really hard to explain why she is pregnant when I need to get unfixed first.
So your rule was that she is not allowed to get pregnant with anyone but you, and if she does that she needs to have an abortion?

And she would prefer what? To be "allowed" to have a kid with this person if she chooses?
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Old 09-22-2013, 10:58 PM
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And you're surprised she was hurt?

Good Grief....
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Old 09-23-2013, 12:20 AM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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IMO, you did not screw up. Look, everyone has boundaries and levels of comfort. You sound relatively new to poly, and what you are proposing is not ridiculous. You have a right to voice what you are/are not comfortable with, and do not let a person tell you anything outside of that. Having boundaries, limits, and knowing which things will not suffice is perfectly acceptable. No one likes an agreeable, spineless, doormat of a Patsy. Also, if you never voice your concerns and be heard, that leaves the chance for resentment to enter the picture.

If you do not mind me asking, how did you present it to her? How you say something can really alter the way a person reacts, or sometimes they just get titty hurt for no reason. You addressed your concerns. You gave the option to tweak them as necessary and come up with something you BOTH could agree on. What is her issue again?
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Old 09-23-2013, 12:22 AM
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I think we would need to know what the rules are, and how you presented them to really be able to tell you where things went wrong.

It's possible she finds them too restrictive, or is insulted that you would dictate how she should handle her health and body. It's also possible that she's offended by a lack of trust implied in how you're going about it.

Creating a set of rules on your own probably made it feel like a list of demands. You might get better results sitting down with her and discussing your comfort levels and boundaries together before writing anything down.
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Old 09-23-2013, 03:16 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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So she's hurt.

You were trying to communicate how you feel, and you tried a method -- wrote down your concerns, and wanted to talk about it one at a time and arrive at some kind of written agreement together after processing drafts.

You could apologize for hurting her accidentally. You could ask her to talk to you on two "levels."

1) Communicate -- about the concerns you wrote down. What are her concerns?

2) Then metacommunicate -- about HOW concerns were presented and how the convo went. What worked for you? What worked for her? What didn't work? What about that method did not appeal? That she had no chance to bring her OWN list to the table?

To me? Polyshipping is to engage in emotional edge play because you enter into all kinds of situations people don't "normally do."

Like talk about family planning concerns such as "I would like us to have our bio kids before you have other bio kids with your BF."

Some dings are going to be expected -- as you and she learn how to communicate about poly-related concerns.

This is not "screwing up." This is the nature of the beast. Nobody is ever ding free. Everyone could assume positive intent and work through the dings.

Again -- could apologize for accidentally hurting her feelings, let her know you aren't out to hurt her... you are simply learning new skills here and have concerns you want to iron out. That you welcome her input and want to hear her concerns too. This is a two-way street here.

See if you both feel better.

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