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Old 01-03-2013, 04:02 PM
hoveringinlimbo hoveringinlimbo is offline
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Default Poly and surrogate Children?

Hi all!

So, I have a bit of an issue--I'm in my early 30s (and male), and I have a primary partner that is infertile. I also have a secondary partner that is in her late 40s and either in perimenopause or likely to go through it soon.

As you might guess, I am thinking about children. My and I partner are probably unlikely to be able to adopt through normal channels due to various life occurrences in our pasts (though it's theoretically possible too), so the next thought was some sort of surrogacy arrangement. She doesn't care about having a biological child, though I somewhat do (and I'm leery about going through the trouble of IVF or something like that).

And I was thinking that the fact that we have a poly relationship potentially creates some solutions to this problem... so...

Does anyone know of a case of a poly family finding someone to get pregnant for them for the explicit purpose of having a child for another couple?

Does anyone know of any cases where a secondary partner has produced a child for another relationship? (Or had it grow into a stable triad?)

Certainly, there would be some money involved, but how much is appropriate, beyond the health care costs? Are there any resources to go to for an arrangement like this? How do you broach the topic?

Is there another way around all of this that I"m missing? And I'm seriously not downplaying how harsh pregnancy can be, that's some of why I don't even know where to begin. I've only known lesbians finding sperm donors. The other direction is much more complicated.
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:26 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Well, this is not the type of suggestion you're looking for, but if I were you, I'd look into adoption and start handling or clearing up whatever issues you think might stand in the way of that. There are so many children who need good homes. Get that rolling, be as informed as possible, as it is time-consuming, while you investigate surrogacy (but wouldn't the issues you have make surrogacy just difficult as adoption?), which will also likely take a while to find someone. That way, if a surrogate falls through, you still have adoption as an option.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Old 01-03-2013, 07:13 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

We are in a V. Myself, my husband and my boyfriend.
My boyfriend willingingly fathered our youngest (of 4) child. She calls my husband daddy-but she knows her biology (as does the whole family and friends etc-we're very open about it). She calls my boyfriend by his given name-but they have a VERY close parental relationship also.

We aren't a triad and never will be-both men are heterosexual and uninterested in one another. But, we have lived together for 10 years and co-parented all of the children together. The oldest is 21. My boyfriend came in the picture as a close friend when she was a year and a half-and she's always called him her uncle. My stepson is 16 and also called him uncle. Our son is 12 and has always called him uncle. The youngest is 5.

No idea where the poly will end up. But the co-parenting, definitely works fantastically and no regrets in having done it.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 01-03-2013, 07:57 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 258

Punk, one of my lover-friends, has a wife who is infertile. They had a (married with kids) lover who carried their baby for them. The three of them had sex all together, so that the wife would also feel involved in the conception. They supported her through her pregnancy, all three of them going to doctor's visits, etc. When the baby was born, she terminated her rights and Punk's wife adopted the child. The families now live apart, but the child (who is 7, I think) knows the bio mom and half-siblings, and they occasionally visit. It has worked out really well for them.

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy, ultimately amicable breakup), and his 11-year-old son Kiddo
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Old 01-04-2013, 03:08 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,900

Not the same situation but in our case, Dude would have been "sperm donor" (and possibly favorite "uncle") but the child would have been mine and MrS's (legally and emotionally). I wrote more about it here.

The potential problem that I see is that people often don't know how they will react in the real life version of a theoretical scenario. So, unless steps are taken to ensure that things proceed as planned (legal documents, severance of parental rights, etc.) there is the possibility that someone changes their mind and, I imagine, the chaos could be extraordinary. (Not saying that this would happen, just that the possibility has to be addressed.)


PS. I had friends offer to be a surrogate when my own fertility issues arose. I shied away from this...even though I could have a child that was biologically mine (egg donor) and MrS's (sperm donor) . If I were going to go that route I think I would prefer to use a surrogate that I had no other attachment/involvement with - so if things went south I wouldn't lose a friend as well as a baby.
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 01-04-2013 at 03:17 AM.
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Old 02-23-2013, 12:15 PM
ValerieAOK ValerieAOK is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern MN
Posts: 8

My husband and I are in a similar situation. We don't feel it would be right for us to potentially wasting money trying to get pregnant with treatments, and we will eventually adopt older children, as this has always been a dream of mine, but we are waiting until we are better financially established.

I feel pretty desperate at times in my desire to have kids. It's really hard for me to give up the dream of raising a baby. It's hard enough to know I'll more then likely never get to experience pregnancy or childbirth. So far in looking for a female to help us out we have been unsuccessful.

Have you considered becoming foster parents? I don't know all the rules and regs, but most states are pretty desperate for foster families. It's one of the hardest routes to becoming a parent, but it's one I know I'll take eventually.

Good luck! If you would like to chat sometime hit me up.
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Old 09-05-2013, 06:03 PM
herstory herstory is offline
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 26
Default Traditional Surrogates

It's cool to read that some people have found traditional surrogates (TS) through someone they were dating. You can also look for a TS through an agency or classified located on surrogacy forums. Most would go the IVF route, but some may be into the DIY method.

Last edited by herstory; 09-05-2013 at 06:06 PM.
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