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Old 08-23-2013, 07:32 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Default Letting partners read your blog

I know that this gets discussed on here from time to time.

Recently JaneQ linked me to her post where she shared how she and her partners worked through this question.

A while ago, when I was thinking of this topic, I remember Mya/rory mentioning how they decided to manage their blog sharing so that they could still write about the difficult stuff in their relationship without causing confusion/hurt to the other person who may be reading.

I like the idea of sharing my blog with my partners... well... at least some of them? Haha. That leads me to:

My concerns (and the flipside of these (etc (&c)))

- I use my blog sometimes to untangle my - often wild - emotions. The space to do this is very important to me. (On the other hand, it's often the writing itself, rather than the blogging per se, that helps. There are times when I write about relationship-triggered things, but do not post to this forum. If having a partner read my blog makes me censor some things, it's perhaps not so bad. (But, I don't want to change how I blog. (Maybe I can continue to blog as normal as long as any partners reading take what I write with the requisite Grain of Salt?)))

- I'm not sure which partners I would be comfortable allowing to read my blog on here. At the very least, my two most long-term, serious partners who I've been with for 7+ and 4+ years. But I write about a bunch of other people too. What if they want to read? I'm not necessarily down for that. (It might be okay if I just share this with the people I feel comfortable with. This is not necessarily an issue that requires symmetry. (But. It feels lopsided. And in some ways an invasion of privacy too? Some partners get to read how I feel about other partners, but not vice versa. (Then again, when I share with people in person, in regular conversation, I do exactly this. I make a call, in each case, of what I feel comfortable sharing with that person.)))

- What about secrets? Sometimes I blog about the far interior of my relationships, and the challenges I have with a particular person, or possibly the challenges they are having with themselves. I have thus far been fairly free and easy about discussing other people's bizniz. If there are people that I know reading my blog, I perhaps would need to be more conscious about this. (Really, it's probably a good thing that I stop doing this anyway. I have enough of my own story to tell. This is a public forum, and I should ideally only be revealing myself. (But, other people's stories are often intertwined with my own. I can try to stay focused on my own stuff, but I'm not sure I'll be able to do that. (I could possibly find ways of managing this. Telling people when not to read (not ideal)... hmm.)))

- What about breakups? If things get ugly? I don't want to have dramas following me here. (The people who I trust enough to read this, I trust enough to respect my space. Surely. (Still, I am nervous about opening this up. This is important to me as a safe space. (Vulnerability, with the right people, is often worth it.))))

- I am shy! (Get over it, duckie.)

Those are the main points.

Both my longer-term partners (mentioned above) have said that they would like to read my blog, should I be okay with this.

They 100% respect this as my space, and wouldn't want me to have to change the way I write, or change the way I use this forum, simply so they can get to read my journal.

I don't feel any pressure. But I think I would like to share with them if I can! I'd like to hear their thoughts. I'd be interested to read their posts, if they would join here too.

In the past, I'd floated the idea to them about possibly blogging together on here. Not sure how feasible that is really; it seemed like a good idea once, but I think we wouldn't have the time to do this now.

Anyway, I wanted to post this as a discussion thread - and not on my blog - (a) to hear other people's experiences/perspectives on this, and (b) to potentially share this link with my partners who wish to read my blog, for their input!

Thanks for reading. I appreciate any comments.
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Old 08-23-2013, 08:29 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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My blog ON HERE is really just a way for "friends" I made here to access whats up with my poly world. But I don't keep it up well.
My personal blog is at wordpress. I keep up with it-but its my life. Not just poly issues.
It is open to my partners and the world. I don't actively promote it, but I don't hide it. I know my parents and siblings have accessed it at times. I have friends who are followers. Maca follows it. Gg does not.
Maca and i made a deal regarding him following it. If it bugs him-stop following it. But no bitching. It is my place to bitch (or express joy or whatever). In exchange, no bitching from me on fb or other places friends and family of his will read.
Which allows me outside perspective when i struggle, without the pressure on him from his friends reading my temper tantrums.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 08-23-2013, 08:50 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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If it bugs him-stop following it.
I like this.
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Old 08-23-2013, 11:24 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I would not be comfortable at all if any of my partners read my blog (or other posts).
My husband knows I participate in a 'forum about poly' but has never expressed interest in reading here.

For me, my blog on this forum, and other threads I post on, would lose all of its purpose if I knew (while writing) that people I know would be reading it.
It really is a safe space to share my poly related issues without worrying about what will hurt or upset or bewilder who.
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 3 years
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Old 08-23-2013, 12:39 PM
london london is offline
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my partners can see all my online stuff
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Old 08-23-2013, 12:53 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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DH had no interest in it. I probably would not have cared if he had read it because it would have been redundant to hear it from me first and then read it again.

My blog was a way of discussing my feelings surrounding decisions I made, progress check-ins, random thoughts, concerns, how I have embraced our new normal, and the final decisions regarding our future. All things that have been discussed over the past six months either in private or during counselling. If he ever wants to read it, I will give him the link.

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Old 08-23-2013, 02:32 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I don't blog but if I did I wouldn't share it with my partners. I also wouldn't read theirs. I kind of feel that a blog is a safe haven to work through things and express how you feel. If my partner had access I might feel more inhibited which would kind of defeat the purpose of the blog.

I'm actually pretty private about conflicts. I tend to work it out myself then I might talk about it after the fact. I don't like asking for advice or getting unsolicited advice. I'm not someone that needs a lot of support.
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Old 08-24-2013, 01:14 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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FJ let me know he had read my blog not too long ago. Which is why I haven't updated it in a while. We are traveling a really rocky road right now, and as I really dig deep some of the stuff I'd write would cut him to the core, and I'm not sure we would survive that. I have my personal journal for that right now :/
franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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Old 08-26-2013, 04:52 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Default Open letter

Thanks everyone for your input.

I've come up with the following letter which I'm going to send to the two longer-term partners (mentioned in the original post). I will also link them to this thread in case they want to read other perspectives and/or comment here.

Both of you have at some point expressed interest in reading my blog. Here's what I propose:

I'm going to keep blogging here in the way I need to and want to write. I don't desire or intend to change the way I write, just because you are possibly reading.

I don't think I need to know whether you're reading or not. But I will tell you if this changes.

If at any time I find it bothers me to know you might be reading my blog, I will ask you not to read anymore and I know you will respect that.

It's your responsibility to stay safe and stop reading if you need to. Obviously these are my internal workings, and (unless clearly stated otherwise) they are not messages for you personally. Please trust that when I want to talk with you about something, I will do so directly with you.

I'd like to hear your thoughts, so feel free to comment on my blog or otherwise. If something bothers you, please bring it up with me. I'd love if you felt like participating more generally on this forum too (but understand you may not have the inclination or the time!)

The way I write about other people in my blog can be quite intimate. I'm unsure about how appropriate it is to let partners read what I write about other partners. Do you think we can figure this out together?

I want to be open to sharing my writing with you. Let me know your thoughts on this.

Much love
The small satisfaction of a shuttlecock skimming over the net

Last edited by fuchka; 08-26-2013 at 04:54 AM.
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Old 08-26-2013, 05:31 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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So I hate to break it to you all, but uhm... yeah... like, this forum is actually public. That means anyone who stumbles upon it has your implicit permission to read anything you write, because, you know, you wrote it on a public forum on the internet and stuff...

If you want to write things that are truly private, and control who has access, then setup a blog on Blogger and make it invite-only. Otherwise, you don't really get a vote in who is "allowed" to read it... You do not own your partners, and you don't get to tell them what they're allowed to read on the internet. If you put something on the internet that you'd rather they didn't read, that's really your problem and you need to think twice about what you write in public.

Just because you don't give the URL for the forum and your username here, doesn't mean your circle won't come across it. You're in a polyamorous situation. Each and every one of us found this forum while we were seeking information and discussion about polyamory. Is it such a stretch to imagine your partners might have the same desire? Once they find it, it's not terribly hard for people to recognize themselves in a blog, especially as you describe more and more people and situations.

For example, if you put something on a public forum, you no longer get to call it "a secret." It's like when people say something on the radio "just between you and me." The difference is they're being tongue-in-cheek and they have no illusions that it's not being broadcast across the world.

Furthermore, if you're blogging about other people and revealing details about their lives, they have every right to read those things. If they ask you not to post about them, it would be very rude of you to continue doing so. Thus, if you're posting things you believe they'd rather not have disclosed even anonymously, and you're worried that they might read it, then that's probably an indication that you should shut your mouth and keep their secrets to yourself.

All that being said, of course you have the right to request that your partners respect your space. But you need to realize that's a request on your behalf, not an obligation you can impose upon them.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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