Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #351  
Old 08-24-2014, 02:20 AM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 751
Default

As bouyant as my emotions were this morning, ugh, I am drowning tonight. So many sads, and they all involve guys from my past.

A few days ago, PunkRock got a text message, from someone frantically trying to locate C3's address. We went on Facebook and saw it all - C3 had posted a goodbye letter on his blog, and then shut off his phone. He tried to commit suicide. My heart was breaking for him - he has so much to offer the world, yet his depression and anxiety had once again overwhelmed him.

Anyway, his friends networked and mobilized and the end result is that he's now in treatment, hospitalized. No one has really heard anything since. I love him dearly, as a friend, and I wish nothing but strength and happiness going forward.

I've had a few days to process this, so overall, it's just a lingering sadness, but I'm keeping positive, you know?

So what has me upset tonight? Stupid C2. I haven't written about him because the scumbag had left my life for good. Or so I thought. I had joined a meet-up group for RPGs in my town a long while back, and there's a meeting next Friday. Guess who is co-organizer? Ugh!!!!

It's supposed to be a meet-and-greet for DMs who are looking for players for their already-started games, and of course for people who would like to start new ones. Not many people are signed up to attend, but I signed up PunkRock and me, before realizing C2 was a part of this event.

Fuck. I REALLY don't want to see him. Honestly, I am stressed that he will see me signed up and boot me from the event. I am not sure if he is able to do that, since it's just an event, but he did kick me out of the Sci-Fi book club we were both in, almost a year ago. Why? 1) because I wouldn't sleep with him and 2) because I clued in the chick he was FWB with at the time that he was trying to get with me and lying to her about it. He was also lying to me, so I wasn't that upset about losing the book club, it was just bullshit that he had the power to do that. He was the creator of the group though, so he could. Not sure if he has the power as an event creator to bump me.

Anyway, I quick sent a message to the other event creator and explained that I was interested specifically in a certain game and that there had been drama and I had signed up prior to realizing C2's involvement. Honestly, if PunkRock and I go, we are just looking to find a group within the group to play a particular game - not join one with C2. So, attending this one event, maybe we can just ignore him and network with the individuals that are offering the game we want. Which, as it so happens, is the co-creator guy that I was messaging.

Sigh. I don't know why, but having to do this has caused MAJOR stress for me. Like, I'm weepy. Fuck. I hate myself for that.


Edited to add:

And at the same time I started discussing my feelings about this with PunkRock tonight, he was getting texts from a close, married friend of his. I know her, have met her and actually think she's a pretty great person. The problem is that she is anti-poly, and as a result, anti-me. I guess every now and then she'll ask PunkRock how we are doing, and then reiterate that she thinks it's wrong and we are destined to fail. It makes me sad. PunkRock says she's the only one he knows that says these sorts of things - though everyone asks him how we're doing, but that's more just casual interest. She asks like she's hoping things have been called off. I don't want him to cut off contact with this woman - they've been friends for a long time. She's very religious, but PunkRock says she is against our relationship more along the lines of general morality. That aggravates me even more. Though, as I think about it, I calm down because she can think what she wants - we are not doing anything wrong and my love for PunkRock is nothing but wonderful.

Still, it's a downer today too.

PunkRock and I went out tonight for Baskin Robbins and then came home and watched an episode of Firefly with DarkKnight. I'm sleeping with DarkKnight tonight, so PunkRock then went down to his desk to paint, and I'm up in bed with DarkKnight. I'm feeling so out of sorts though - I am uncertain about sexy times. I just can't get in the mood. Course, I had sex with PunkRock at like 1 am this morning, and then again around 10 am or so, so it's not like I'm desperate for it. But I have been horny on and off today, and had been looking forward to being with DarkKnight tonight. Maybe I'll read some Literotica to get my mind on other things.
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Engaged to PunkRockAwesomesauce

My Online Journal

Last edited by Bluebird; 08-24-2014 at 02:50 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #352  
Old 08-24-2014, 10:07 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 751
Default

Annnnd, I got booted from the meetup group by C2. Frustrating, for sure. What a jerkface! Pretty much ruined my day for a short while, but PunkRock is now going to sign up with the group and attend, since C2 doesn't know him and PunkRock can avoid him and be able to network with others to get us into a game in our area. What bullshit, seriously.

To help quell my overall unhappiness, PunkRock took me to 5 Below and I bought some nail polish called Unicorn Farts. Then we had lunch and we bought cookies. After I got home, DarkKnight and I spent some quiet time together painting, which did lots to calm me.
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Engaged to PunkRockAwesomesauce

My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #353  
Old 08-25-2014, 01:36 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,791
Default

Okay, I have to ask - what color are Unicorn Farts?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #354  
Old 08-25-2014, 04:11 AM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 751
Default

Clear base, large round pieces of rainbow colored glitter.
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Engaged to PunkRockAwesomesauce

My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #355  
Old 08-25-2014, 05:13 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,791
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
Clear base, large round pieces of rainbow colored glitter.
Oh, I should've known! Of course, unicorns fart rainbow glitter - what was I thinking? LOL.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #356  
Old 08-26-2014, 03:30 AM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 751
Default

Spent some time today, looking and reading about Class B Motorhomes online. Still planning our future - still thinking about moving someplace much cheaper in a couple years and buying a motorhome or travel trailer, splitting my time at home base or out with one of my loves, seeing the country. It's a time filler, anyway.

I've also been thinking about a commitment ceremony with PunkRock, and what that might look like. Someone on a Facebook poly group said that they think I could have a ceremony in Maryland, just not mention the word wedding or marriage in it anywhere, to avoid running afoul of the law. I don't know. I really don't want to muck things up and end up in jail, thanks! I may talk to an attorney, though there is no hurry to do things. I can wait until after we've moved to a state that doesn't care about us getting hitched without any paperwork.

Still, it's fun to look at other people's weddings and how they handle the polyness of it. It's exciting, and it makes me feel kinda silly.

Anywho, today was a calm day. We all slept through most of it because DarkKnight was training someone on morning shift, which meant his work day started at 3 am. PunkRock was sleeping with me though, so we weren't affected by that craziness. Still, for some reason, we both stayed up til after 1 am, and then slept fitfully. I woke up for good at 7ish. When DarkKnight was off work at noon, he came to my room and crashed, so I went back to sleep with him. PunkRock had already retired back to his room for a morning nap. Bunch of lazy turds here folks!

Tomorrow will be less lazy - I start teaching Astronomy tomorrow, and immediately after, another homeschool mom is visiting to look over my stash of scrapbook supplies for a class I am co teaching with her when co-op starts next week. PunkRock and I have a date scheduled to play some WarMachine in the evening, and we are supposed to host a couch surfer as well. Should be fun!
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Engaged to PunkRockAwesomesauce

My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #357  
Old 08-31-2014, 12:55 AM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 751
Default

I've been having fun playing - and winning - games of WarMachine against PunkRock the last couple of days. He plays one of the same factions that M used to use, so it is interesting to me that I am now instructing PunkRock on how to better try and beat me.

PunkRock went to the meetup group gathering but it was mostly a bust - lots of people but he only connected with a couple who were into the same games. C2 did approach him and told PunKRock that he knew someone who went to his game store, but he had banned her from the group. Yeah, he used my name and everything. Douchebag. PunkRock said he didn't make any response, so C2 changed the subject. Next Saturday is trivia finals, so it is very likely they will see each other there and C2 will realize he talked smack about me to my boyfriend. Heh. I am quite sure he will boot PunkRock out of the group immediately, when he realizes this. But, since we have the contacts we were looking for, we no longer need to be involved with it anyway.

I was still upset about the entire situation though, yesterday. I don't like drama and I really dislike being crapped on like that. I have been trying to feel better by reminding myself that at least I was able to circumvent C2s nastiness. I didn't have to see him or talk to him, and we worked around his banhammer.

Sigh.

I am sooooo in love with both my guys, it's crazy. I feel really awesomesauce right now.
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Engaged to PunkRockAwesomesauce

My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #358  
Old 09-03-2014, 04:25 AM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 751
Default

Yesterday was my daughter's first day of 11th grade. I homeschool, so I got her set with some of her lessons and things went well all morning. Then, my friends started bugging me, we dropped school and went tubing instead! Too great.

Today was my first full class teaching Astronomy to a bunch of teens, and that went amazingly awesome. The lesson today was on sun light and sun atoms - I went over their homework & taught for an hour, used our telescope (8" Dobsonian) to look at the sun - we have a filter - and then I had the kiddos watch a netflix video. I got messages from two moms afterward, telling me what a good time their kiddos had. Yahoo! I had a good time too - I love Astronomy.

PunkRockAwesomesauce and I played two games of WarMachine today: one before my class, one after dinner. I won the first, he triumphed the second. We've just been playing 25 point battles, but tomorrow we plan to get back up to 35 points, so we can practice for an upcoming tournament. I'm bummed a bit though, because I may be in NY and not be able to play at the tournament.

Why? My son has had another grandpa die. This time, it's a grandpa from his birth family. Terrible. Even more so since my son goes and spends a week with this set of grandparents every single summer, since we adopted him at age 12 - he's 25 now - and this was the one summer he missed, because his other grandpa - my FIL - passed away and the funeral was scheduled in the middle of when he would have been gone. Sigh. I think he is handling it ok, but I know I am sad. This guy was SO sweet. He was always good to my kids. Let's see, he was birthdad's mom's husband - paternal step grandpa, I'd guess you'd say.

What else going on? Trivia finals are on Saturday. Hope to kick butt with my two guys, but we'll be playing against my regular team full of ladies and they are difficult to beat! Friday I am hosting a teen game club meeting and then driving with PunkRock to the game store for the rest of the evening. It's his friend's birthday - the one I've written about before who dislikes poly. Anyway, lots of people from the store go out to dinner as a tradition and I am going this year. Hopefully, PunkRock and I will have time to play WarMachine at the store right after.

Oh! My birthday is this month, and PunkRock is doing a few minor repairs to a couple of my WarMa models and painting ALL of my unpainted ones. This is an undertaking and I am so excited that he is doing this! I hate my birthday and it brings me crazy stress, having to worry about what gifts I might be given, so knowing his gift is one of time and service calms me so!

Oh again! PunkRock got a package in the mail today and he surprised me with a tiara! I told him a while back how M used to say I was a pretty, pretty princess in a negative way, and so he ordered me a tiara. He's been really great - helping me "reclaim" the music that M made me on my mix tape (I didn't like listening to songs that reminded me of those times) and now this. I'm gonna own my princess status! He says I am his princess in a positive way! Such a sweetheart!

DarkKnight and I have had a great couple of nights lately too - I didn't write much about him in this entry. Know that he and I are crazy in love still. He laughed about the tiara, and he reminded me that the last one I owned, I wore at our wedding. He's right!

So, so in love. My life is full and fun and I feel fine.
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Engaged to PunkRockAwesomesauce

My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #359  
Old 09-05-2014, 02:05 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,283
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
So, so in love. My life is full and fun and I feel fine.
You're doing it right! (And you're awesome!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
I hate my birthday and it brings me crazy stress, having to worry about what gifts I might be given, so knowing his gift is one of time and service calms me so!
I don't have quite the aversion to my birthday - I'm completely indifferent to it. But that may be because I got rid of the "receiving gifts graciously" stress long ago. I established with MrS years and years ago that "occasion" gifts/cards were banned, and Dude slid right into that moratorium without a hitch. The only one who is "allowed" to give me gifts for "an occasion" is my mother - she says that she gave birth to me and she can give me presents if she wants to (fair enough). Since her gifts are always appropriate, practical and/or hilarious (and cost her a quarter at a garage sale or flea market!) she can get away with this.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #360  
Old 09-05-2014, 11:14 AM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 751
Default

Yeah, DarkKnight gives me the same thing every year, a homemade carrot cake. I don't have to think about it, or process feelings - I just eat the most delicious gift ever! This works out great. PunkRock spending some of his free time painting my models makes me feel good and not stressed. So we have hit a winner with that too. I was ok with the tiara gift, but I honestly do ok with surprise presents and flowers. It's just days like my birthday, Christmas, Valentines, etc with expectations surrounding them that make me go wonky.

Yesterday was our first Fall co-op meetup. I taught Rainforest Explorers in the first session - to 5-7 year olds - and then co-taught Scrapbooking to 3 teens in the 2nd session. It was a lot of fun! The main topic was FROGS! in the first class. I read a book to the kids, then we did a craft and played a jumping game. Good times! What is even more awesome though is that after class, later on last night, I was talking to PunkRock about my topic in next week's get-together and I had decided on SNAKES! - you know, anacondas and pythons, etc. I had forgotten, but the snake he owns is from the rainforest! So he volunteered to bring it in and answer questions. The kids are going to be SO excited. I messaged all the moms (there are 10 kids in my class) to make sure they would be ok. We are going to feed it and I didn't want any traumatized kiddos. It looks like they should all be fine, so it's a go. I was so touched that PunkRock would be willing to help out. DarkKnight has been involved with co-op in the past - he taught a class on computers - and it just feels awesome to have my homeschooling duties shared in this way.

Oh - the snake is a green tree Python.

Last night, PunkRock and I packed up our WarMachine stuff and spent 3 hours at a local game store. We had a pitched battle and I won. It was SO close though. It's been fun to grow and share my fuck ups with PunkRock, as he does the same with this game! The guy running the store told us he has some WarMa players come in on Wednesday nights, so we are going to try a game or two there soon. This game store is in Waynesboro, PA, like 20 minutes away. Much closer than PunkRock's store in Glen Burnie!

Which, as a matter of fact, is where we are going tonight. I think I mentioned earlier there is a birthday dinner to attend, and then we hope to get another game in, if we can. I believe we are leaving here in the late afternoon. I am hosting strategic game club for 8 teenagers today at my house, so we will leave after that. They are doing Magic: the Gathering, which I don't play, so it shouldn't be to difficult to supervise. A couple of the teens are running it - it is great to see them take initiative.

DarkKnight and I had a sleepover last night and I hope to have lunch with him today, before game club starts. I miss him a bit! He was snuggly last night though, and silly this morning.

I have to shower in a bit and then take my son to work. After, I am running errands and hopefully I will have time to color my hair. PunkRock has requested a more intense red and my roots need a touch up, so now is the time!
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Engaged to PunkRockAwesomesauce

My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:40 PM.