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  #321  
Old 07-18-2014, 12:14 AM
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Well, the chaos is over and life is trying to get back into the groove around here. I cannot say enough positive things about how wonderful it was to have a lover and helpmate with me while DarkKnight was gone. PunkRock really showed me a huge positive with this type of poly. He promised, followed through and kept things ticking.

The funeral was very stressful for everyone, but it went as well as one does, I suppose. My youngest daughter - who is almost 17 - had diarrhea that night while we all went to the local donut shop. Poor PunkRock - he waited in my minivan with her while I and my other two children went in to get donuts, and went we came back, the smell hit us. My daughter was horribly embarrassed, but we got her home and in the shower. She wasn't sick - I am sure it was just the stress of the last couple of weeks. Anyway, I came back outside to check where she had been sitting, and it looked as if she had SPRAYED a garden hose from her butt all over the back seat! It was horrendous. I have no idea how she got it so high! PunkRock was a trooper there too - I did the scrubbing, but he passed me wet wipes and cleaning spray. No complaints.

Gawd, I love this man!

DarkKnight is home and it feels so wonderful to have him back beside me.

Last night the three of us played trivia and today we all went to the local Amish market for lunch and some grocery shopping. I felt so much love from my guys - being all together with them, with them flirting with me, and smiling, rubbing my back - it's just wonderful!

What else? On Monday night my oldest daughter (23), PunkRock and I went to play trivia and C3 came and met us there. I hadn't seen him in a while at the game store, so I invited him out. I didn't notice, but my daughter said he was hella nervous - she said his hands were shaking a lot. He seemed perfectly fine to me. *shrugs* He looked cute, as always. He was actually pretty good at trivia! We invited him to play again with us at a later date.

He gave me a big hug before and after. I didn't feel any crazy sexual attraction like I did before. I wasn't generating any energy in that regard, actually. I still find him a very attractive man, but his continued rejection of me being married and now me being involved with PunkRock, well, it has dampened down that get up and go feeling.

He messaged me a bunch afterward, thanking me for inviting him, saying he'd love to play again, and saying that PunkRock and I were adorable together. It was a little bit much, actually.

I don't know. I didn't feel horny for him at all - like zip - but I have zero doubt that if he expressed interest that I would respond. I would definitely be interested. However, I have no real desire in having a third right now. I don't know if I will in the future. I do know that I would think about it though, if it were expressed.

He didn't though, so right now, we are friends and I am happy with that!
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  #322  
Old 07-22-2014, 02:17 AM
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DarkKnight, PunkRock and I played trivia tonight and came in 2nd place. Whoo hoo! I was all over the both of them - sharing kisses, and touches, and smiles - even though I had just had incredible sex a few hours earlier with PunkRock - oh, they get me going with just their grins!

Tonight I had a real dilemma over who to invite into my bedroom. PunkRock had last night, but DarkKnight has to get up early for work tomorrow, and I am running short on sleep. I was REALLY torn, because it didn't seem fair to pick PunkRock, but yet I was super-dreading being woken at the asscrack of dawn by an alarm clock. I am not usually able to fall back asleep, no matter how tired!

So I picked PunkRock. DarkKnight was really cool with it - he said he knew it had everything to do with morning. He actually got teary after we talked a little bit - he told me he was truly glad to witness my happiness, day by day. Awwww.
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  #323  
Old 07-24-2014, 07:12 PM
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Things have become more off-kilter for me this week. I got my period yesterday and when I told PunkRock, he gave me a big hug and said "So THAT'S why you've been so clingy lately!" I didn't say anything back, but I was confused, because if anything, I've been less emotionally needy, in my opinion. DarkKnight is home now, I have worked out a pretty good time schedule for both my guys, I feel good to be on track with writing curriculum for my Fall class and I am keeping my daughter moving along with her summer homeschool assignments. Honestly, I found his comment strange, but I chalked it up to weirdness and moved along with my day.

Then last night, he told me he felt like he wasn't getting enough alone time and it was frustrating him. I tried to keep calm because this triggered a great deal of anxiety with me. I asked him to explain but he couldn't. I asked him to think back to Tuesday (which would have been the previous day, then) and asked him to articulate when he thought I was taking up his time, because I couldn't.

He had slept in quite late, at which point I woke him up with a snuggle and a goodbye. I spent the entire day out and about with my daughter, returning around 5 pm. He then expressed interest in my trip to the art store, so he went with me for a 10 minute trip to pick up some canvases, and then back home. Everyone ate dinner together, and then we snuggled on the couch and watched the first new episode of Orange is the New Black, followed by an hour of sexual play. I then went to my room to spend the night with DarkKnight. PunkRock then stayed up til 4 am, reading and painting.

I was like, honestly, 2 hours of your time is too much? He was quiet and then said what he meant to say was that he doesn't feel like he is managing his other time well - that his time without me isn't fun free time.

So he spent his afternoon filling out applications and looking for a job, so he was disappointed not to have that time as fun time? So my 2 hours in the evening interfered with that down time, and so he was unable to paint until later than he'd like.

And that makes me clingy?

Exasperating.

I was really anxious about this, and told him I had no desire to micromanage his time during the day. I'm handling my responsibilities, and he has his. Hell, DarkKnight has his during the day - he worked, saw me briefly at dinner and then he snuggled me and we fell asleep. His fun alone time was the 2 hours I was with PunkRock!

Sigh. I told him I didn't think 2 hours was excessive. Today will be close to the same thing - only we were together this morning, sleeping in til 11, we had some sexy time, then I showered and left with my daughter for the day. He won't get one-on-one time later today though, because Thursdays we play trivia with DarkKnight in the evening, and then I am sleeping over with DarkKnight. So he has the afternoon and nighttime to handle his business and fun activities on his own.

I just don't know. Unless maybe he was having an emotional reaction to his brother coming over yesterday? We had invited him to dinner and we had donuts and a game of Zombicide afterward. So THAT certainly cut into his fun alone time, but uh, that was HIS brother. If anything, having LordTenderHeart over directly cut into DarkKnight's individual time with me. Meaning, DarkKnight traded out snuggle time with me for playing Zombicide with PunkRock's brother!

I am not really anxious about this anymore. I am more aggravated/irritated than anything this afternoon, thinking about it.

Tomorrow PunkRock will be going to visit his brother and to pick up a check he needs from the game store. He will be gone all morning and early afternoon. I don't care - again, I have stuff with my daughter and curriculum to write, and an orthodontic appointment. In the evening, my son is turning 25, so we are ordering pizza and having brownie sundaes. Which actually, again, DarkKnight will be trading his alone time with me for a family activity. I will have a sleepover with PunkRock though. I don't see where PunkRock will squeeze in painting time. However, I can't help that. I feel sort of put-upon thinking this out. If anything, I am sad for DarkKnight!

Maybe Saturday DarkKnight and I will have a one-on-one date during the day. Sunday I have a tea party with my mom friends in a nearby town, so I won't have time then.

Yeah, I am not sure where to go with this.
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  #324  
Old 07-25-2014, 01:09 AM
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He felt safe enough to express a thought he had about what he needs, which is good - but that doesn't mean it's up to you to fix it. Don't dwell on it anymore. If he poses to you that there is a problem, try not to see it as an accusation that you are doing something wrong. Could be that he might not know what to do and is simply looking for suggestions. You are so hard on yourself!
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  #325  
Old 07-25-2014, 10:25 AM
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Absolutely, I want him to feel safe about expressing things. I think I need to articulate that to him.

We talked more last night. You are correct that I need to not see his feelings as an accusation. I definitely took his statements as complaints about me, and it was not the case at all.

I believe he was still coming down from the hectic couple of weeks we had surrounding DarkKnight's dad's passing. He really was 110% invested in making sure everything was handled back home, to the detriment of his own priorities. He told me I could count on him to be there again in that way, if ever needed. But it is clear to me now that he needs some time to ramp down from that - he needs a transition. PunkRock still has piles and piles of boxes in the basement, his bedroom, the game room AND one side of the garage is completely full of his stuff. His room is functional and mostly sorted, but he is lacking a long, low bookcase under a bank of windows to unpack the last of his stuff there. Anyway, he is far behind on his self-generated schedule of how moved-in and unpacked he'd like to be by now. I think it's a bit overwhelming to him. So, after a couple of weeks of devoting himself to keeping me and the household ticking over, he had been hoping to get back on track with his unpacking, organizing, etc.

There just aren't enough hours in the day though. He's been catching up on sleep, and spending hours applying for jobs. Then, we have two family get-togethers this week, which further limit his focus time. Two nights of group trivia. When I think on this, this morning, yeah, I totally get his unhappiness. It isn't with me. He just needs more time!

Last night I was still feeling out of sorts and wasn't sure how to relate with him. I was definitely hard on myself! I imagined this distance between us, which wasn't there at all on his end. I really fuck things up sometimes.

DarkKnight said I should volunteer to help PunkRock unpack and organize. It's like, what I do. I think I will. My own days are fairly full right now, but I DO have the time to help him get settled. He's my love. I want him to feel at home and complete.

Edited to add - part of the issue was exacerbated by me combining two separate conversations into one. His statement about me being clingy had ZIP to do with PunkRock's time issue. When I realized that, things fell into place for me. By clingy, he didn't mean emotionally so, but physically. He was saying that I was all over him the night before, which I tend to be hornier and more grabby right before my period. This is not how I interpreted it initially, and the wrong interpretation bugged me, so when he later brought up feeling like he wasn't getting things accomplished, I married the ideas together. And his concern became a judgment of my time management and a desire to spend less time with me.

Yeah, I should not have done that.
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Last edited by Bluebird; 07-25-2014 at 10:34 AM.
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  #326  
Old 07-25-2014, 11:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
Yeah, I should not have done that.
Oops, being hard on yourself again! How about reframing that sentence to: "Yeah, so I gained some good insights about myself after talking to him again."
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  #327  
Old 07-25-2014, 05:54 PM
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Heh. Mwah!
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  #328  
Old 07-28-2014, 12:21 PM
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Thought I would update on my Invisalign braces and how that whole thing is going. Because, holy crap! When I was brushing my teeth this morning, I noticed I have a GAP between two of my lower teeth. It freaked me out royally!

I had a checkup on last Friday, and everything is progressing as it should. I just put on set 7 of the aligners (they get swapped every 2 weeks). It's interesting - whenever I swap, I take Advil the first night because it aches a lot. Then I have pressure and aches for a couple of days. After that, no worries. The pressure is usually very specific to certain teeth - I can feel which ones are being targeted by each set of aligners!

This most recent swap was also the first time, comparatively, I could see a difference between the first aligner and this one. They all looked the same because the changes are so minuscule. This time, however, I can see movement on both my front teeth and several other teeth. I think that's amazing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, then wow!

Anyway, the gap is kind of freaking me out. My teeth have been so crowded for so long, to suddenly have space is strange. It is going to get much wider too - I have a tooth on the bottom that never grew in as a child - it doesn't exist - so the braces are opening up the space where it should be so I can get an implant.

This whole process has been weird and painful but I am happy to be having it done. Finally! I will have straight teeth this time next year!

Bad news though - other health expenses have depleted our FLEX account, so starting in August we will be covering the monthly payment on these out of pocket and not being reimbursed. That sucks. $276 a month is a lot. Like, a car payment! Still, we made it a priority, so we will just suck it up, I suppose.
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Last edited by Bluebird; 07-28-2014 at 12:25 PM.
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  #329  
Old 07-28-2014, 05:22 PM
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I'm glad you're getting to see some of the effects of Invisalign working for you. I did it a few years back while I was in college and it really changed a lot of things about my dental experience. Visibly, my teeth weren't too crooked, but they were crowded enough on the bottom to make every dentist visit I had painful and traumatic because it didn't matter how much I flossed and brushed, it was too difficult to clean those crowded bottom teeth.

Now every single time I go to the dentist it is MUCH more pleasant and I don't dread it anymore. It's made a huge difference in my ability to keep up with my oral hygiene.
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  #330  
Old 07-28-2014, 08:08 PM
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I am glad to hear Invisalign has worked for you. So far, so good for me.

Oh, I am so full of happiness today, and I can't even explain why. I will try.

DarkKnight and I had a lunch date on Saturday, and we stopped by a thrift store where I bought a new dress. I am wearing it today, so that is prolly part of the reason for my good mood. It's the perfect length, so no alterations were needed - I wear all my skirts and dresses above the knee, but not hootchie-high - and it has a cute hippy-paisley-flower pattern with lots of purple. It's got a low cut halter sort of top, which is really the best for for me. My boobs look ginormous and fabulous, which is good because, well, the word is they're glorious, so showing them off is always great then, right? Anyway, it only cost $7 and I feel amazing in it, even though it's a simple sort of cotton sundress.

I had lunch with DarkKnight again today, and we stopped by the post office where I grabbed a new portal. See, he tricked me into playing this silly game called Ingress on my phone - a few days ago I downloaded the app and now I think about it more often than I should. Lol Anyway, I love sharing goofy, nerdy activities with him.

Last night PunkRock and I had a sleepover and we had a long talk about our sex compatibility. It was a good conversation, I suppose. That's another entry here, for later! Anyway, any time we talk about our future together it gives me the smiles, because well, we have a future! He is just so wonderful. And cute! Holy crap, his eyes are this light watery blue that I absolutely HAVE to keep focused on me, because well, when he's really looking at me, there's this sparking energy that just sets my nerve endings to all over squee! Sigh.

Yeah, today is a good day. All is right in my world.
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