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  #21  
Old 09-15-2013, 11:14 AM
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More on this weekend.

I was down yesterday morning because I don't think that being poly with M is going to solve the problem I originally became poly for: my sex drive is too fucking high. I was really hoping - foolishly, obviously - that being with someone that could give me more orgasms each session would quiet that part of me that needs sex every day. But that was definitively proven wrong.

It doesn't matter if I've had 5 orgasms or 37. The glow doesn't last for me. I need more. This isn't a failing on anyone's part but mine.

The realization of this hit me hard. I talked to D about this a lot yesterday. He told me that he thinks that exploring poly has been beneficial for me though, and I absolutely agree. It has pointed out some issues that I didn't know were issues (not being able to accept physical compliments, apologizing for having orgasms). That alone has made the whole thing worth it.

He said he really believes that I have a sex addiction, and that is what I am trying to battle, or accept about myself. He said that sure, I am not to the point where I am cheating or doing anything extreme to get my fix, but doesn't an alcoholic who tries to drink responsibly still deserve the label alcoholic?

So I am struggling with this now. Of course though, the other awesome outcome of poly is also M. Wonderful, loving, take my breath away, everything I never knew I needed M. I could never give him up just because my sexual issues are making me sad. I can't imagine not having M to make me smile. My NRE is still in full force there. D points out that I don't ever lose NRE, so that is not going to change over time and I need to figure out that too.

So, where does that leave me? Still sexually frustrated, but feeling loved and supported by two amazing guys.

Still sexually frustrated though. At this point, I cannot fathom how to possibly fit in a third guy due to my time constraints, and I will not and can not do the casual hookup thing. D has encouraged me to wait things out and see what this new normal feels like. I think that is good advice.

I tend to be impatient and want an immediate solution.

I feel a little hopeless because I don't see how M and I are going to be able to do consistent overnights together each week, and I think I really, really need that. No, that is wrong - I don't think that, I know that. If I am not able to connect with him at least once a week, what we have will fall apart. If I am being straight up honest with myself, that's the truth. Somehow, we have to make that work. That is going to be a hard line for me. I know I should be able to put on my big girl panties and just deal with it, but emotionally I know I have to have contact. I can't not. I just can't.

Maybe I went about this entire poly thing ass backwards. I should have realized that sex once a week is the bare minimum I needed from a partner. I can't go back though - we are here now. So I am trying to figure out how the hell M and I are going to make that happen.

I really can not struggle with this sexual fuck-up that I have, with a partner that can't meet my bare minimum standard. That isn't why I became poly and I won't be able to maintain any sort of calm about myself otherwise. And I don't feel like polyfi, for me, can be done any other way. That is what my brain and my body are telling me.

So M and I messaged about it last night. I know the topic made him anxious, but he remained calm about it. He said it is what it is and he doesn't fault me for figuring out what I need and coming to him with it. He said he wants to be with me and thinks what I am asking for makes sense. So he is going to talk to his wife.

I feel really shitty about this, but I need to be honest about what I need with everyone involved. I don't know that I would be able to quit M if he can't do overnights but once a month, or once every two weeks. I'll be miserable, but it is still better than not having him in my life. But, I am then going to try and figure out what I am going to do - more than likely that will be to jump back into the dating pool and try to find a 3rd who lives closer, or is able to come to see me on a more frequent basis. That would mean reducing what I have with M down to a booty call, or an FWB. I really really don't want to do that though, so I hope he can give me that overnight I feel I need.
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  #22  
Old 09-15-2013, 12:53 PM
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My sex drive is much like yours. I never apologize for my orgasmic capacity though! lol

My ex-h (30 yr marriage) was also good with daily sex, but we just couldnt get along in other ways, so we broke up in 2008. Early in 09 I met my current gf, miss pixi. Our sex was frequent and intense at first, but after about 3 mos her NRE wore off and I realized she was more of a twice a week girl. Meaning, sometimes 3 days in a row, sometimes only once a week and even then, often more of a quickie than was sufficient for me.

So, since we were poly from the beginning, I still dated others and have ever since. I didn't find another love for 3 more years, but I found plenty of playpartners. Usually I just saw my gf 3-4 days a week Fri-Mondayish, so I'd see others during the week.

I think you said your husband is not even into once a week? So, yes, surely, it would be great if your new bf could come over once a week and spend the night. If he can't make that work, I don't see why he'd be in booty call status. He could still be your bf, you could still be in love, but have others for fun and frolic.

In Jan of 2012, I met Ginger, and we fell in love. We lived 20 miles apart. Even though he is married, his wife was fine with him driving up to spend the night with me once a week. We'd generally have 3-5 sex sessions of one kind or another in a 20 hour date. Very satisfying.

In May of this year, my gf and I moved in together and are renting a house. We now live only 5 miles away from Ginger and he and I get together every other day! NRE is past and yet his sex drive still almost matches mine. (I made sure he was that kind of guy early on.) Otherwise, miss pixi and I have sex when she feels like it, or I take care of myself. I've tried to keep dating, since a nice young boytoy would also be a good thing, but have not met anyone suitable since I met Ginger. I'm pickier now, I guess.

miss pixi once accused me of sex addiction too! I rejected that label. I have a high libido. There is a range of normal. Some people are asexual, some people need 4 sex sessions a day. Some women never cum, some women are multi orgasmic and can cum 30 times in a session. We are all unique snowflakes!
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me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
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  #23  
Old 09-15-2013, 04:16 PM
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I was going to suggest what Madglyn said, more masturbating to be sexually satisfied. There is nothing wrong with you having a high libido. One thing for me that makes me extremely satisfied is being tag teamed with DH & PR. We have 2 to 3 hour sessions (it's omg hot to have two guys all over me) and I am quite satisfied for a few days. If M can only come around one time a month, why not meet another who has more availability? This does not mean your feelings for M must change, you just have another to explore with, just a little more frequently. Time management might be an issue for you but is it really? If M could see you once a week versus this once a month thing, how will your time management change? It just seems that you'd be willing to have M with you more often so why not have another be with you when M can't? Yes finding another takes time, but why not?
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Old 09-16-2013, 12:46 PM
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The last thing I need is more masturbation - that's how I've survived all my relationships up to this point! I was really hoping that being poly would decrease the amount of time I would be going solo.

Thanks, both of you, for commenting about my libido being a normal thing. I don't ever feel normal with it. I have been down about it for quite a while, because I have never been in balance with a partner. M told me last night he admits that casual sex sounds like it would suit my needs better, which made me feel even worse about myself.

I just don't think I can do casual sex. Sex is tied up in emotions with me and I need trust to be there. I can't get that from a one-night stand. I've tried. Once. He is now my husband.

M also said that he hopes he will be enough for me. I really dislike the fact that both my men feel this way, but I can't lie and say that they are, at this point. But, like my husband said, I haven't had any time to see what our normal will be. If M can do an overnight once a week, in addition to our regularly scheduled Wednesday day-date, and my husband can sex me up two times a week, hopefully that can quiet me down.

It sucks that I have this quantity issue. It sounds so clinical when I read what I have written here.
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Old 09-16-2013, 03:51 PM
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Having a strong libido can seem like a burden sometimes! On the other hand, when you've got a partner or partners who can get down and enjoy playing with you, it is the most amazing thing ever.

Like you said, it's early days for you in poly yet. Keep your goals in mind and work towards meeting them.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37
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  #26  
Old 09-16-2013, 04:46 PM
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That is true! M says he's never been with anyone so responsive or who can go on for so long with no slowing down. He says I am great for his ego. So I guess that is a big positive.

Thanks for the reminder about goals.
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  #27  
Old 09-17-2013, 05:38 PM
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Emotional night last night. M was having a lot of anxiety regarding issues in his own life, and didn't feel like sharing any of it with me. Unfortunately, he used almost the same words that my previous failed poly partnership did when he was breaking up with me. I let him know I was feeling vulnerable and would like him to call me, but he didn't, and instead listed some rather disingenuous reasons he couldn't. (I felt, anyway.)

So, this morning I was feeling very edgy and waiting for him to dump me. We discussed how irrational this was and got through it. I really was caught up in whether or not he was really having issues or wanting to make peace with the fact that we were through. Since our contact has only been through Facebook since we were intimate last Friday, I was feeling very unsettled about his feelings for me.

We also had another long back and forth about my need for once a week overnights minimum, and he said he hasn't really gotten a definite on them, but thought his wife was going to be more or less okay with it.

One of the things he mentioned as a sticking point with the overnights is the fact that their older teenage son has no idea that they are poly. Rather, they don't think he knows. Though H, when she goes on overnights, she just announces where she is going, but M is supposed to not let their son know he is staying at my house. I have met their son, but was just introduced as a friend, though he has remarked to M that he spends a lot of time with me. Apparently H doesn't want their son knowing about their other relationships, and mine is I guess more apt to reveal that it is happening? I don't really get the thinking there.

M says he wants me to feel like a primary, but doesn't know how to accomplish that. I told him more time, for sure. I can not feel like a primary if I only see him once a week, and only have texting at other times. I also told him length of time - we have only been together for a a month and a half. When we have been together longer, clearly that would make our relationship seem more important.

I am not sure what else could help me feel more equal with his wife. I certainly don't want their relationship. I don't like the double standards.
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  #28  
Old 09-18-2013, 11:53 AM
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Seeing M today! His crappy car got worse last night - flat tire and the nuts were rusted on. His wife needs a ride home from the bus stop, so I am picking her up tonight around 6:30 pm. This means M and I get more time together, because normally I'd head home around 3. Nice bonus!

I am still in bed this morning, but I am trying to get motivated and move!
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  #29  
Old 09-19-2013, 01:00 AM
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Another wonderful Wednesday with M! Gosh, we had sex in 3 different places today - once in the woods in a park while geocaching, once on a rock out in the middle of a river cutting through a different park, and the once in the evening, in the back of my minivan. He gets me so fucking hot - and the fact that he can just keep going is amazing to me - the fact that he has difficulties achieving orgasm just means longer playtime and more great feelings for me!

We had some good discussions today too - we talked about the IUD idea vs diaphragms, and he is happy with either. He agrees he'd rather me not have an IUD if there is potential for longer periods and consequently less intimate time together. Friday he is coming to my appointment with me at the Gyno to get details about our options. Love that he is interested in being involved and supportive with this.

That said, we didn't use condoms at all today, but at no time was he even close to climaxing inside me. He did ask how I felt about it, and I'm not really all that concerned. My husband is aware of the situation and is ok with my judgement on the subject. M said his wife would probably be upset, and that she did ask about him using condoms during our sleepover last week. He said he told her we used 2. This is true, but he didn't tell her that we went without afterward. This pinged me - he is obviously ok with not being entirely truthful. He did explain further that he didn't feel it was necessary to talk more with her because they have not been sexually intimate in a long while and it would not be effecting her. I am going to talk more with him about this on Friday. Would he tell her if they were suddenly become intimate? I would like to believe he would.

Apparently they did finally have discussion about overnights, and she okayed one a week. She just asked that she have as much notice as possible, when possible. I told him I was not happy with having my choices limited, but that I understood their current dynamic necessitates my toeing the line here. They have a lot of outside stresses on their combined lives together right now, and having to adjust to his new relationship with me is an added concern for her. However, it still rankles some.

M says the sex part of it is perfectly fine for H, it's the emotional part that she doesn't get. He says though they have all these shared years together, his emotional bond with me has confused her, because it is really strong.

We also talked about primary vs secondary relationships. He says right now I am definitely his emotional and sexual primary, and financial too - as he is a stay at home dad and all of his cash comes from part time hobby work. And around 80% of his money is now being spent on dates with me. However, in other ways, he says he just doesn't see how I can ever attain primary status - he has a family that takes up his time and household obligations that dictate his schedule. And of course, almost 20 years of history with his wife.

This sounds completely honest to me. I have to say he actually isn't my primary in anything at this point, but he didn't ask me for his status. I actually don't think about that much - I love him lots and he's super important to me. I wouldn't dump him just because my husband wanted me to, that's for sure.
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  #30  
Old 09-20-2013, 11:22 AM
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Wednesday night and all morning yesterday were really rough for me emotionally. Right before bed, M messaged me to say he was not coming to my appointment on Friday, and we were not going to be together for at least another full week. I reacted very badly - having our fun plans disrupted was a small issue, but when combined with the fact he'd be missing our birth control meeting, no touch for an entire week and we wouldn't see each other anywhere around my birthday, I really went to a sad place. All of that right after the issues we'd just had prior was just too much for me to handle.

We ended up getting together yesterday afternoon because we were getting no where on IM and over the phone - he was talking in circles and wouldn't let me explain why I was feeling what I was feeling. He was coming to me with such strong defensive language - he had prepared for me to break up with him and was so set in his mind that that was going to happen - I told him it was as if he wanted me to do so!

When we were finally able to see each other, he was just SO loving and supportive. He really let his feelings for me show through - he had said many loving sentiments before, but there was no doubt of his depth of emotion for me yesterday. It was like, WOW. In an earlier conversation with H, she had told me that he was deeply and completely in love with me, which confused her because he isn't that way with anyone, much less with some chick he just met two months ago. Well, she was right - he laid it all out for me - how much he cares and wants to be with me. It was overwhelming, but in a good way.

I definitely went into poly with the idea of loving more. Never did I think I would find this kind of devotion, especially after my first fuckup with trying to date a friend. I was just hoping to find someone who would care for me, to snuggle with and spend time together. The level of fidelity he was showing and offering was really staggering in its intensity. I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that he loves me and is in this relationship for the long haul.

We spent the rest of the day just holding each other in the park and talking. It is amazing how we spend hours just hugging and sharing thoughts and it seems like no time has passed at all. Just staring into his blue eyes makes the clock stop for me.

Oh, we did resolve all the mindfucks that were messing with me Wednesday night - actually, I had figured those out before we got together. I reduced them down to the basic needs and told him exactly what I wasn't getting and what was needed. My appointment today ended up being the smallest issue, when originally I thought that was the biggest. After thinking it over, I realized that the appointment wasn't for M and I. If we broke up, I would go anyway. Birth control transcends a single relationship. Yes, it was a huge step for me to shut the door on my fertility finally, and know that I will never experience a pregnancy, but ultimately that is my decision. Having his support would have been great, but the reason why he couldn't come was rightfully a priority. It sucks he can't attend, but I am still going. At this point, I am hoping to get a diaphragm.

The plan now is that hopefully we can see each other both Monday and Wednesday next week.
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