Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #271  
Old 05-18-2014, 03:48 AM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 418
Default

Tired at the moment.

Today was a good day. LordTenderHeart has moved on and things should reach a new normal soon as PunkRockAwesomesauce can now move in the rest of his stuff as time permits.

DarkKnight was on-call for work today, so PunkRock and I took my youngest to the Gay Pride event in our town this afternoon. A lot of my friends were there and PunkRock won a silent auction item. We were there for about an hour and it was fun.

I had amazing sex with PunkRock before and after the event. He just completes me. Sigh. He told me tonight at one point that he just feels so connected to me. I am not sure how I feel about this. I love him lots, but I am still struggling with the idea that he is going to continue to be ok with me being poly. I feel this energy between us sometimes - it is just this brightness of being, yeah, a connection. I wonder a lot if our relationship continues to grow deeper and stronger, if he will be less content with sharing time. I certainly hope so. I suppose I will just continue on with the way things are going.

DarkKnight and I had cuddle time tonight and watched Frozen together on the couch in the living room. (I bought new furniture and I love all the pillows!) It was sweet! Afterward we had sex, which was also amazing. I hadnt been with him in a sexual way since last Friday, so over a week. I had propositioned him many times this week, but he was either too tired or too busy, so it was nice to finally get a yes. Actually, he initiated it, which was great. He almost never does that.

Yesterday evening kind of sucked. I did have a lot of fun playing Zombicide with PunkRock's friends at the game store, but we drove there separately because PunkRock was at work, so that meant we had to drive home separately. I arrived home at midnight, PunkRock didn't show up until almost 2 am! This had me very upset. One being that I was starting to fear something had happened, like an accident. Second, because I was super tired and had to stay up waiting for him to arrive. 3rd being that I was thinking that we'd have sex when he got home and then he didn't get home! It was frustrating. Add that on to the fact that we hadn't had sex already for over a day and I was wigging out a bit. I fell asleep masturbating - I kept thinking he'd be home soon, so I didn't let myself cum. Oh, and I had just recently changed out to my new Invisalign aligner, so my teeth were hurting like mofos.

Anyway, I tried to initiate things with him, but he went and showered, and then came back and we talked for a while. After I told him my unhappiness, he tried to initiate sex, but I felt it was just pity sex so I rejected it and told him how it made me feel worse. The whole thing just made me feel discounted and my needs, unimportant. Honestly, it was communication again. If he had texted me when I told him I had arrived home, that he hadn't even left yet, I would have gone to bed.

All this is over and done with though - like I said, we had great times together today and we've talked it all out now.
__________________
Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight
Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #272  
Old 05-21-2014, 05:03 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 418
Default

Oh! I am so in love. I just float around like an idiot most of the time. I am so very happy with my life and the direction it is moving. PunkRock went back to his brother's house last night, so Dark Knight and I had amazing sex while he was gone. It was weird to be home alone for a while - DarkKnight had choral practice in the early evening, so I had a couple of hours to read a book. That was nice, but I was missing my guys.

Unfortunately, LordTenderHeart did not do well alone and had a relapse over the last few days. PunkRock messaged me this morning and said that LordTenderHeart was passed out last night. I am not surprised but I am sad for him. Addiction is terrible.

I am getting another tattoo today - I am both nervous and excited. My thought is to get it on my left hand, but none of my other tats are visible, so it is a little scary. It's going to be a poly symbol - the outline of a hot pink heart with a black infinity sign through it. My sister posted on my Facebook that it didn't matter where I got it, since I was never going to get a job again. Rolling my eyes - she doesn't think my homeschooling is important. I responded that I was actually planning on starting my own science education business, so it really didn't matter! She is kind of a jerkface, but I feel sorry for her more than I feel annoyed!

Oh, and I added a couple of new photos to my albums, and changed my profile pic. Do not be alarmed - I was not really Tigger this whole time. I am a human girl. For reals.
__________________
Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight
Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal

Last edited by Bluebird; 05-21-2014 at 06:26 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #273  
Old 05-23-2014, 09:37 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 418
Default

I'm hosting a mom's night out tonight at my house. It's focused on karaoke. We play all the time here, so it's no big deal to me. I had 12 people sign up, and I am currently down to 6. On one hand, this is great because we were going to be crowded in my living room, but on the other, it sucks when people do this. I spent a crapton of money on food and alcohol. The good news is that DarkKnight & I are going to a BBQ tomorrow at a FetLife friend's house, so anything we have leftover, we can take there.

It is still aggravating. It annoys me. I should expect it though - this isn't an isolated thing - every event seems to have people drop out last minute, and I always feel bad for the organizers.

PunkRock has to work all weekend, and he messaged me today that he is going to his brother's house tonight to care for the bird. I hadn't anticipated this, so I'm a little bummed. Not a lot, because hey, mom's night out at my house! Still, I have a little sad. He promises to get out of work early on Sunday so I can finally see Godzilla, so that is also a positive.

Well, I need to finish setting up my tables. Ciao!
__________________
Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight
Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #274  
Old 05-27-2014, 01:20 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 418
Default

Well the karaoke party was more fun and a bigger success than I had imagined it would be. We all had a blast! I hosted an impromptu potluck BBQ yesterday too, and lots of people without prior plans showed up. Fun, fun, fun!

I have so much joy in my life right now! I am writing this while PunkRock is snoring beside me, in my bed. We just had amazing sex. Each time is different, yet wonderful. Even though we are still having sex at least once a day - he keeps me humming. My sex drive doesn't feel like a curse to me anymore. It feels like an amazingly awesome bonus part of me.

June 1 will be 4 months. My NRE is still alive and well. Not that I expect it to stop. For me, it just doesn't. Actually, I feel a tremendous amount of relief - 3 months was rocky for me and M, so I was worried about reliving a similar experience, but PunkRock is so very different, thank goodness. He's not trying to get me to accept anything less than happy. He makes me smile so much! He posted this pic to me the other day on Facebook, that said he just wants me to be a princess, and I deserve orgasms and glitter. Silliness, but also super sweet.

Since PunkRock has been working a lot this past week, we haven't had any private dates. DarkKnight and I have had some great togetherness though - we went to a BBQ with a couple of my FetLife friends ( a completely vanilla event) and have had lunch together. Some shopping trips with our daughter. PunkRock and DarkKnight both took me to see Godzilla finally, Sunday night. Godzilla is my favorite ever, so it was great to see the new movie, and having both of them to hold my hands was good too. The 3 of us watched Gravity on our TV last night - though PunkRock was on the Loveseat for that. Still togetherness time!

We have a LOT of tumultuous outside events and stress right now, but I feel like my love relationships are pretty great.

PunkRock is planning on moving his bed over from his brother's house this week, so we should be able to get into a more equitable schedule soon, as to who I share my nights with. Honestly, both guys snore and are super warm furnaces when they are sleeping. Lol
__________________
Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight
Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #275  
Old 05-29-2014, 08:04 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 418
Default

Today is a good day. I've spent most of it focused on homeschooling - finishing up the year and planning curriculum for the Fall. My daughter unfortunately is going to have a very busy summer full of Algebra 2 and lots of journal writing assignments. I won't let her pass tenth grade, since she has so much undone, so she is a little bit upset. However, she's been a slacker all year and now needs to finish. We spent some time going over her career goals - which she keeps changing - but it looks like she's committed to criminal justice right now. We'll see, I suppose. She's taking another online Coursera class through Penn State in September; this one will be on Constitutional Law. She has taken two online college courses already - Energy & the Environment, and Population Health.

Anyway, I like planning. I'm fairly organized, and checking off lists and ordering things makes me a happy person.

I have to say though, I am disappointed that she has changed her focus. I've gained a reputation for being the "science mom" and this will be the first year where I won't be holding classes for other kids. However, my daughter now has 3 science credits, and I don't feel like time will be well spent for her, if she takes any more. I was planning on teaching Astronomy in the Fall, but I won't have time, I don't think. So, instead I am thinking of using that time to look at finishing up my Bachelor's degree. I am like one semester short of a BS in International Business, but I think that idea is stupid. I like the thought of switching to a science major and starting my own business offering science classes and courses and camps. I don't know if it is financially viable, but I've made a little bit of money the last few years teaching high school chemistry and biology. I just think if I were to make it an official business, I'd need a degree to give it some solid backing. I don't want to end up with more student loan debt though. I need to research scholarships and grants for middle aged moms, small business entrepreneurs. That sort of thing. It's exciting to think about.

Sigh. Anyway, I might teach Astronomy anyway, so I don't lose my momentum with kids who keep signing up for my classes. Plus, I love Astronomy. I will have to think about it!
__________________
Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight
Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #276  
Old 05-30-2014, 12:12 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,209
Default

This is not a criticism, so please don't take it that way - but it always mystifies me when I hear parents talk about their high school age children choosing their careers. Why does a 10th-grader need to know what career to pursue? Seems to me to be such an enormous expectation! A co-worker of mine and her daughter have been through so much stress in the past few months about her daughter getting into college, and the early admissions process - and the girl is barely 16! When I told her I thought the Australians and Kiwis had a better system, she looked at me like she wanted to kill me - after a kid graduates high school, they take a year to backpack and travel the world before going to college. So they get to see life in different parts of the world and figure out what they want to do. I will never understand wh a high school kid NEEDS to go to college immediately after graduating high school.

Plus, I see nothing wrong with just starting with general college studies and letting the college experience inform them and help shape their choices - I am glad I was never pressured to choose a career back when I was 15 or 16 (not that you're pressuring your daughter, but I am thinking more of my coworker who was really pressuring hers). I switched careers many times in my life and have no regrets - that is just who I am. I like variety and following my different interests as I see fit. Maybe your daughter is of a similar bent and doesn't feel a need to be locked into any one occupation for the rest of her life right now. I wonder why in today's world, a kid can't just be a kid in high school, developing psychologically, emotionally, and simply focus on building common sense skills for living without targeting a specific career?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 05-30-2014 at 12:16 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #277  
Old 05-30-2014, 12:29 AM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 418
Default

Ha! She pressures herself more than I do. My homeschool has always been more of an unschooling experience, being child-led. She picks what she wants to learn about, and I find the resources. We change the program to match what she wants to know. Our discussion today centered around the fact that up until now she has wanted to continue being science and math heavy. She has earned 3 science credits already - but if she's no longer interested, then it would be silly for me to focus our limited schooling budget on building courses around it.

So for me, it isn't so much that she needs to decide on a life-long pursuit as just a direction to be moving toward so I can purchase curriculum. I don't even have my own career figured out, and I personally think that most people will probably have many different interests and careers over the course of their lives.

We have actually discussed her having a gap year and traveling after high school. She isn't a high achiever - she has language disabilities that make school more difficult for her. She is very reserved though, and nervous about traveling alone. We will see!

She has actually come full circle - in 6th grade she very much wanted to be a police officer. She would not qualify to serve in the military, so she was down about that for a while. It is certainly interesting to see where her interests lead her!
__________________
Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight
Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #278  
Old 05-31-2014, 03:59 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 418
Default

I've been listening to "Good Life" by OneRepublic today. "We all got our stories but please tell me, what there is to complain about."

My life is good. So happy. I have problems and stresses, but so much more is positive and wonderful.

Tomorrow is 4 months for PunkRockAwesomesauce and me. I told him last night that I feel like a weight has been lifted from me with that date so close. Subconsciously I keep waiting for our relationship to take the same path that my love with M did, and we are so far off that course, it isn't even comparative in the least bit. It is a sigh of relief still, to have reached this marker and feel so absolutely in tune and in love. It very much feels like forever, like I felt when DarkKnight and I first started dating.

My sister posted one of those picture memes on her Facebook yesterday - only this one was about how important sisters are, and how much she loves her sister. It was kind of surreal - I had no idea how to respond. So out of character for her. Though I must say that lately I haven't had to delete any comments from her, what she writes is always funny, instead of bitchy and judgemental. I hope to go to NY in August, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that this continues in a positive manner too.

My new tattoo was itching last night - I wanted to take a belt sander to it. This morning it feels better. Sucks that it is on my hand, because it is so easy for me to reach! At least when I had my shoulder & back tats done, it took effort to touch them, so I didn't cause any damage. I am trying my best to leave it alone!

Funny story - yesterday I got my hair cut and the stylist had a heart tattoo on her left hand too. She noticed mine and complimented me on the color and the infinity sign, and wondered if it had a meaning. So I explained polyamory to her and she was ecstatic over it. "You always hear of guys doing that, of having multiple women and wives. I didn't know women could have multiple husbands! That's super cool!" She said she was going to read about it online later. Lol It was fun to hear her questions about my life.
__________________
Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight
Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #279  
Old 06-01-2014, 11:46 AM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 418
Default

PunkRockAwesomesauce went to work yesterday super early, so he could be home in time to go see DarkKnight sing in his choral show. I was so happy he came to watch with me! What a sweetheart.

DarkKnight was looking mighty adorable in his tux too. It's funny to me that my husband owns two full tuxedos. It just seems a tad ridiculous. Anyway, I am going to post a photo of him all spiffy-looking in my album.

DarkKnight's cousin came to the show too, so PunkRock got to meet a member of our extended family for the first time ever. It wasn't awkward, but DarkKnight's cousin completely avoided the topic of poly and didn't ask a single question about our relationship. I didn't say anything to bring up the topic either - when I introduced him, I just said, "This is PunkRockAwesomesauce." I didn't tack on that he is my boyfriend, because the cousin already has that piece of information. It seemed to go well.

We are heading back to PunkRock's brother's house today, to feed the brother's bird and mow the lawn there. PunkRock has some items to transport too, still, so we will be loading up my van with furniture and boxes again. I have been promised guacamole today - I've been craving it half the week!
__________________
Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight
Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #280  
Old 06-05-2014, 08:30 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 418
Default

Lately things have been a little stressed. PunkRock and I had a pretty big misunderstanding earlier this week, regarding the sex we were having at the time, but we worked it out eventually. I was in tears by the end though, and he was teary. Since then I have been a bit more on edge, but our relationship is still fine.

I actually was out of sorts last night and today. I would like some advice.

PunkRock has his bed here now and so he and DarkKnight have been switching nights back and forth with who sleeps in my bedroom and it is causing me stress. Last night, DarkKnight and I had a great casual dinner date, followed by Starbucks. About 3 hours full of chatting and together time. We returned home, watched a couple of episodes of Breaking Bad (we are finally on season 4) and then PunkRock arrived home from work. I hadn't seen him all day, so I sat with him while he ate his Chinese takeout and we talked about schedules, life, etc.

It had been decided earlier in the week that DarkKnight would sleepover in my room that night, but I honestly had had enough time with him, and I felt really connected and wanting to snuggle with PunkRock. I didn't want to hurt DarkKnight's feelings, especially since for the next two hours he retired to his own bedroom, so as to give PunkRock and I that connection time.

But at 10, he arrived to go to bed, and we snuggled and then he wanted to sleep. I was wide awake and wanting to be with PunkRock. So, I retreated from my own room to PunkRock's bed, to read a book while he unpacked some more of his boxes. After about an hour, we were both ready for bed. I did not in any way want to go and snuggle with DarkKnight. I wanted to stay put. However, I went back to my room, and DarkKnight was quite snuggly. I got over it and enjoyed having him there, but I had stress dreams all night. In the morning, after DarkKnight went to work (he works at home, in a basement office) I went and got PunkRock to come snuggle me in my bedroom. We later had sex in the morning, before he left for work too.

Wow - was I emotional. I don't feel like this is balanced. I talked to DarkKnight about what happened and was quite teary and wanting his feelings. He called me silly, was super sweet and supportive. He said he was 100% ok with what happened and said I am crazy to think that any of us will have the same sleep schedules or balanced needs on any particular day. He said he was fine with how I handled things. He really was.

I, however, feel like I cheated DarkKnight out of a night with me. I feel a little ashamed for having such a strong preference for an overnight with PunkRockAwesomesauce. I say that, but then can understand what DarkKnight was trying to get me to acknowledge - he is not touchy feely when sleeping, whereas PunkRock holds me close constantly, which is something I love and feel like I benefit from. PunkRock is a night owl, DarkKnight would like to have lights out no later than 10. I usually like staying up til midnight or so. I annoy DarkKnight most nights, wanting to stay up later, etc.

Sigh. I don't know. I do know I felt like a terrible person. DarkKnight says maybe we shouldn't decide sleeping arrangements until bed time. Maybe that is better.

Any advice on how to balance? I do think DarkKnight is ok but I was not and I still feel unhappy with how things went. I haven't had a chance to talk to PunkRock.

DarkKnight says he would have not even felt bad if I had told him I wanted to stay with PunkRock as an overnight partner last night. He said he wouldn't have taken it as some sort of pronouncement on a permanent preference. I have a fear, I think, that he would, or that PunkRock would, if their positions had been reversed. He says he would have seen my need for connection with PunkRock at that time, and been fine. He said he was fine with being alone for a while, but also would have been ok with being, uh, banished, to his own room earlier.

Can I do that? I don't know if I like having this power, as a hinge. To have to decide this sort of thing and potentially hurt one of my guys is intimidating and it is hurting me. I guess they ARE grown and should be able to articulate their own feelings. Lol Sigh.

How do other co habitating couples handle this?
__________________
Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight
Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:09 AM.