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  #251  
Old 04-16-2014, 10:36 PM
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When it rains, it pours. I think I wrote that previously, and this past week it has certainly been true. Lots of messages on FetLife from guys and one from a Facebook friend trying to hook up. I am not the least bit interested in any of them. In fact, I find them annoying as hell. I am a biscuit away from turning my FetLife account inactive, though the Facebook message was more comical than anything.

I had an amazing morning today -and last night - with PunkRockAwesomesauce. He knows exactly what to do to keep me feeling good. He is SUCH a match for me sexually, I just cannot imagine going back to a time without his penis in my life. That said, time spent with him nourishes my soul. I leave him feeling recharged - optimistic about my own life goals and joyful that he will be a part of my forever. I can only hope that he feels the same way.

Unfortunately, PunkRock's brother had a relapse and is in the hospital. He has pancreatitis and he went on a drinking bender while PunkRock was at my house last week. So boom, pancreas bitch-fit. PunkRock and he live together, and I know that PRA is worried about his brother's mental health and stability once PunkRock moves out. I like PRA's brother and I wish I could think of some way to help the situation. PunkRock showed me the stash of Jim Beam bottles next to his brother's bed, when I visited their house yesterday. It made me slightly nervous - I know PunkRock himself is a recovering addict and the thought of him doing something similar was not pleasant to my mind, if you can imagine. That said, obviously they are different people and have different things going on in their lives. PunkRock's brother is really at a low point and is struggling with all sorts of issues.

Oh! Another thing - when I arrived at his house, PunkRockAwesomesauce had clearly been smoking. My hello kiss tasted like an ashtray. I can't stand it - ugh. He was somewhat apologetic - apparently he ran out of his electronic stuff and his brother had left his rolling papers and tobacco. Ugh though. As much as I love him, smoking has always been a hard limit for me with guys that I am dating. Seriously, on OKC, I wouldn't even look at the profiles of guys that smoke. When I taste cigarettes, it reminds me of my father, currently dying of COPD and complications from that, and growing up constantly having to smell terrible because of the secondhand smoke all over my clothes. I would rather date a guy unable to get an erection. Seriously. At this point, cigarettes are the only issue in our relationship that could cause problems. It makes me want to throw up thinking about it. He is trying to quit though, and I know how difficult that can be. So I am trying to be supportive.

I talked to DarkKnight tonight about the cigarettes. I don't know what will happen if PunkRockAwesomesauce is unable to quit. I mean, I love him as he is, imperfections and all. He's my happy. But cigarettes are terrible. DarkKnight sidestepped giving me advice about the issue - he dislikes smoke as much, if not more, than I do. I guess there isn't much to do - PunkRock is trying and I am trying and we'll just keep at it, I suppose.

I have been thinking a lot about my future now, long term goals and such. DarkKnight and always make up a list every January for financial goals we want to accomplish for the year, and we have a shared bucket list that we work on from time to time, when we can manage. I want to have the same with PunkRock. This is a very important thing for me, so I hope he is interested. It makes my life feel more controlled, anyway. Not so haphazard, if that makes sense. And now that we are committing to being together, I want to share this.

At the present time I am also sort of struggling with how to balance my two lives - my future with DarkKnight and my future with PunkRock. Short term stuff like rent and grocery bills have been discussed between the three of us, but I am not sure how to handle more long term planning. Like, Dark Knight's retirement and those long term bucket list items. PunkRockAwesomesauce has in passing said that he hasn't given much thought to his retirement, and so I am not sure if interjecting my ideas would be welcome. Not that he has said anything that would make me think that it wouldn't be ok to discuss, but it is one of those things I think about. I want to make sure we are in harmony. Life insurance? Medical issues - I want to make sure if something happened to me, he could have some say in decision making. And me to him, of course. I have seen posts of this nature on other sites, so I am going to start reading about how other Vees handle topics like this.

None of that is urgent though. We are still young in our relationship, but with moving in together and talking about being life partners, it rolls around in my mind. Being the type of person I am, I like to have my i's dotted. Protecting and giving rights to PunkRockAwesomesauce so he doesn't ever feel discounted is important to me. Now that I type this, DarkKnight has asked if I want to go to Starbucks with him tonight. I think I will take him up on the offer and see what he has to say. He is usually very insightful and pragmatic about these sorts of subjects and can clear out things that make a mess in my mind.
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  #252  
Old 04-21-2014, 11:48 AM
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PunkRockAwesomesauce's brother came home from the hospital on Friday, but on Saturday we got a call from their dad, saying that brother needed to go back in pronto. So we cancelled our BBQ plans with my play party friends and spent the day in the ER, getting PunkRock's brother admitted for detox. The plan is for him to enter a 28 day rehab program immediately following. I am hoping it works out.

So, on Saturday I met PunkRock's father and stepmom unexpectedly. It went ok, I guess. Stepmom told PunkRock that I was nice, and we had good conversations. She talked PunkRock up a lot - saying how sweet he is, and a hard worker, and caring. PunkRock's dad was harder for me to read, but he told me that I was more intelligent than some of PunkRock's previous girlfriends, and that PunkRock has a gentle heart.

The main discomfort for me was that they had no idea I am married and poly. PunkRockAwesomesauce told his dad that we were dating right from the get-go, but was waiting to talk to him in person to tell him that I'm poly. He also didn't tell his dad that he's moving in with me. This was also awkward because his dad seemed to want to pin the blame of his other son's alcoholism on PunkRock. He said a couple of times that PunkRock should have been at home, and that PunkRock needs to pay more attention to his brother's needs.

This made me very sad. I know that PunkRock cares for his brother bunches, but it is absolutely unfair to expect PunkRock to be his full time caretaker. His brother is a grown man who can make his own decisions and choices.

It also makes me think that their dad is not going to be very glad to hear that PunkRock is moving out - like he is abandoning his brother without a thought. This makes me angry on PunkRock's behalf, though I am cooling that, because obviously there hasn't been a reaction yet, since PunkRock hasn't said anything.

I told PunkRock afterward that I didn't want to be in that situation again - he needs to tell his family that I am married. Because they didn't know, I felt like I had to hide facts about myself and that I was being dishonest. For example, his stepmom made a comment that it was great my son still lives with me, because it's nice to have a man around the house. (My son is in his 20s and rents my basement apartment.) I agreed with her, but felt like screaming because hello, I HAVE a man around the house, and DarkKnight is a wonderful partner and helpmate. I couldn't say this, however, and I think later on, this type of failure to say anything makes me look dishonest. I don't want to ever be dishonest.

I am not sure where PunkRock's head is at with this. Clearly, he had no expectation of me meeting his parents this weekend. It had been bugging me that he hadn't said anything prior, and this unexpected encounter has shown that there was a reason for me to be bothered - you never know when you'll have to interact. However, it was definitely not the time to spotlight our relationship dynamic - we needed to focus on PunkRock's brother. And I can see why PunkRock wants to talk in person to his parents; he needs a face-to-face to lay everything out and feel understood.

Sigh. PunkRock's brother DOES know I am poly, which just gives this another layer - he could say something and let it all out accidentally. I almost did it a couple of times myself. I am just not used to lying about a fundamental portion of my life and heart.

I am going to need this all to be dealt with very soon, in order to feel comfortable. I have to look at my needs list, but I feel a big chunk of this is my need to be understood and known - a large part of ME and who I am is my relationship, my past and my present with DarkKnight. To have to talk around the fact that he exists hurts me.

This time period of ambiguity with PunkRock's parents will pass, I am sure. I just hope it goes well, and that it is out soon.

Oh, and to update on my previous post, I did have a conversation with PunkRockAwesomesauce this weekend about financial goals and it went well.
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  #253  
Old 04-23-2014, 12:56 PM
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The rehab plan didn't work out with PunkRockAwesomesauce's brother; he was released from the hospital and went to go stay with their dad for 3 weeks or so. He plans to enter a different program after that time. This is significant to my relationship with PunkRock for a couple of reasons. (For clarity, I am going to start calling his brother LordTenderHeart.)

Their dad is traveling out of state in the middle of the 3 week wait, so PunkRock asked if his brother could possibly stay at my house for that time period, so he is in a different environment and has someone around. I am ok with this, and DarkKnight is also on board. The plan is that he could sleep in PunkRock's room, but we will have to get it painted and set up super soon, if that is the case. It isn't set in stone that this will happen, but it definitely makes sense to me that LordTenderHeart not return to his house to be alone and full of depressive thoughts.

However, LordTenderHeart's availability and time at home, up until this point, has fostered the relationship between PunkRock and I. PunkRock has a cat that he loves more than any human on the planet, and when LordTenderHeart is home, he is able to sleep over at my place, knowing that LordTenderHeart will feed and love on his animal. Now that LordTenderHeart isn't home, the cat needs a caretaker, as does LordTenderHeart's own pet. So PunkRock isn't as free to just come over on a whim, or sleep over 3 days in a row. We live 2 hours apart, so visits are going to have to be more strictly scheduled.

I have suggested that PunkRockAwesomesauce move his cat into my house, but he doesn't seem to want to do that yet. I am not at all sure why, but I respect his right to make that decision. It seems like sort of a no-brainer to me, because then she'd get plenty of attention and love from all of us, with no worries of missing a feeding, but I don't know. Maybe he is waiting for his room to be completely set up?

Anyway, the other thing that I should mention is that PunkRock told his dad yesterday about me being married and the fact that he is planning on moving in at the beginning of June. He said it went ok - his dad didn't give him an eye roll or anything - but his dad did make the comment that they'd have to discuss this more before PunkRock moves. PunkRock says he thinks his dad is going to tell him he thinks PunkRock should not move in until LordTenderHeart is out of rehab and used to being out.

All of this added together has raised my anxiety. We had a discussion last night about logistics of scheduling and I sorta felt like I was in a relationship with M all over again. I was not only anxious though - I started getting angry.

Here I am 3 months in - next week is 3 months - and I am being hit with lots of scheduling issues and I am feeling like once again there will not be stability or consistency in my love relationship.

This is a fear though - not a reality. The fact that this fear was quick to say hello infuriated me. Fuck M. This is NOT the same sort of situation at all. I recognized that straight out, but I don't know how to resolve the anger I felt toward M.

I am sure the anxiousness over things will resolve itself with little fanfare - I know PunkRockAwesomesauce is aware of my needs surrounding time and I know he actually does love me and wants to be with me. In this situation, I completely agree that his brother is a priority, and I want to do everything that I can to help PunkRock.

Also, I was able to recognize and label what I was feeling and why. Actually, my anxiousness immediately had me jumping to the thought that, once again, I wouldn't have consistency and I was going to be told I needed to find a FWB. The thought of this sucked, majorly.

All that said, I can discount it as mindfucks with no basis in reality, for this situation. Unlike M, PunkRock has shown me over and over that I am a priority. He does a great job of both communicating and backing up what he says with actions that match his words. He's, well, awesomesauce.

But this anger - fuck. I need to get a handle on it. It doesn't help that it isn't irrational. M wore me down to such a low point. I should be angry. He made me feel less than, unimportant and discounted and well, I ALLOWED IT. Right now I am not sure how to deal with this feeling. I am just letting it sit and I will examine it every once in a while. It's both anger at M and at myself. But what should I do with it? It's made me overly sensitive to scheduling issues and I don't want it to have an impact on things going forward, but clearly it is effecting me.

I suppose it is just a negative tape that I am allowing to play in my head. Shut it off?

Right now I am scheduled up to my eyeteeth and I am double booked all over the place. Things will get better soon though because the chemistry course I am teaching is ending at the beginning of May, and the co-op I also teach at will be finished tomorrow, actually. I still have tons of activities and meetings and get-togethers going on, but things are improving in a short bit. Theoretically, I am in a good place to travel more to be with PunkRock, so he won't have to head this way as much, while his brother is in rehab. I can be a support to him in a positive way and our relationship can continue on as it has been - happily.

I just need to figure out how to alter this hate I have toward myself for being so fucking gullible with M. PunkRock can't do it, and neither can DarkKnight. Neither of them need to be focused on me right now anyway - they both have more important things to worry about. No, this is my puzzle to work on. I am owning this mofo and I am off to paint my toenails and ponder the question - can I shut off the tape and listen to something else? Because, damn.
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  #254  
Old 04-24-2014, 02:41 PM
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I'm not sure why PunkRock lets his dad guilt him into being a caretaker for his alcoholic brother. One doesn't have to babysit a drunk sibling! Has he been to any support groups for families of alcoholics? Will this throw a wrench into his moving in with you? Do you really now want to be responsible for his brother as well?
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  #255  
Old 04-25-2014, 01:44 AM
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I had an absolutely fabulous time tonight, out on the town with my loves. I purchased tickets to "Taste of the Arts," a progressive dinner downtown. There were 13 different restaurants to go to, and at each one we were treated to either art, music or a dance performance while we sampled some tidbits from the location. Everyone used their ticket as a passport, and if all restaurants stamped your passport, you were entered in a drawing. Well, DarkKnight won the grand prize of $300 city center dollars, which can be used just like cash at a TON of places in our town. So we were really psyched.

The entire night was exactly 3 hours, and it was bliss. Not only was the food absolutely amazing, but the time spent together was incredible. I have never felt so loved, so cherished and so complete as a person. Lots of times I would be arm in arm with DarkKnight, and PunkRockAwesomesauce was holding my other hand. The best was that they teased me often - one of them would pinch my butt, blame the other, and why I was admonishing who I thought was the culprit, I would get a second pinch. They fist-bumped each other when they thought I wasn't looking! Jerkfaces.

Seriously, I felt really, really loved, and it was really, really great.

I posted pictures in a new album, and it should be open to public viewing.
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  #256  
Old 04-25-2014, 01:51 AM
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All three of you look so happy. I'm so happy for you!
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  #257  
Old 04-25-2014, 09:03 PM
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Thanks! I really am in the best frame of mind, ever.

I used half of DarkKnight's winnings yesterday to reserve tickets for his birthday, to go to dinner & a show at the playhouse in our town. We try to attend at least 3 shows a year, and of course, PunkRockAwesomesauce hasn't ever gone here before, so it should be lots of fun. Sweet that we could cover this cost (almost $150) with prize money!

PunkRockAwesomesauce went home this morning to tend to the animals, and I somehow got roped into helping one of my best friends in finishing up the creation of a homeschool yearbook for our co-op. Yikes! May is going to be crazy busy for me. That said, PunkRock's brother will be coming to stay with us for a week or so next Tuesday/Wednesday. Punk Rock is going to try and finish up painting his bedroom that day, but we'll see how long it takes. He's patched and sanded most of the walls already. He should be back here soon tonight.

My sister commented some things on my facebook yesterday - in particular in regards to the Taste of the Arts event we attended. She said, "Didn't anyone ever tell you that 3 is a crowd?" Seriously. Ugh. I responded with lyrics from the show, Three's Company. She then asked why not have additional partners, because the more, the merrier. I said, love is infinite, but my time is not. She shut up after that. I don't know why I bother responding. Anyone reading it is going to know she is ignorant and a jerkface anyway. Still, I didn't let it bring me down. I am still in a wonderful mood!
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  #258  
Old 04-25-2014, 09:24 PM
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Just use the custom setting on your posts. You can make it so certain individuals or lists can or cannot see your posts.
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  #259  
Old 04-25-2014, 09:28 PM
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Yeah, I was on location when I was making the posts. I didn't take time to edit her out, and most of the time I don't bother. More than likely, she is going to find herself blocked before too long. Honestly, the picture she commented on was just a photo of the ticket - not one of the three of us together. She's a weird one.
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  #260  
Old 04-27-2014, 12:41 PM
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I received a message a couple days ago from DarkKnight's cousin's wife. He is really close to this cousin, because they are exactly one month apart. His wife finally realized through Facebook that we are poly and she had questions about it. She doesn't agree with our choices as she is UBER religious, but we've had some good conversations over IM and she's been both friendly and respectful. So, that happened.

Yesterday DarkKnight took our daughter to the National Science and Engineering expo in Washington DC. At the same time, PunkRockAwesomesauce and I went to the Smihsonian Museum of Natural History - the dinosaur exhibit is disappearing for 5 years, so PunkRock wanted to see it again before he lost his chance. It was a great day!

We ended up meeting my husband and daughter in Chinatown for dinner and then ride the Metro back to the place where we parked, together. Just another awesome poly experience for me - lots of hand holding and snuggles and feeling loved to the max from my guys. Squee!
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