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  #141  
Old 12-20-2013, 10:12 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I hope you guys can find a schedule that will work for both of you. Your pain is very clear in your posts.

I just would wish you nothing but happiness and peace in your relationships. You deserve it.

Honestly don't know how you deal with the road blocks. I have to see Murf on a regular basis or I am not a happy camper. And if I am not happy nobody is happy...lol. I know people down poly people being involved with mono people but I couldn't deal with a roadblocking spouse.
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  #142  
Old 12-20-2013, 10:52 PM
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I don't know necessarily that that is the case. M has an anxiety disorder and I have no idea how much is worry over his perceived notions of how his wife will react to certain situations, and how much it actually IS his wife. I can only take it as it comes to me. I try to remain optimistic. This blog is where I dump my pessimism.
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  #143  
Old 12-22-2013, 05:18 AM
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Went to a Christmas party tonight - I just got home. This was co-hosted by the guy I dated briefly before M. The dude that screwed me up, dumped my self-esteem into the toilet, etc. I am still friends with him, in a fashion, since he hangs out with both my husband and my grown son. Anyway, the party is always a huge, swanky affair, and this year was no exception. At several points during the night though, the guy came around to check on me, as a good host does, but he was nicer than normal. He spent a good 15 minutes pointing out all of the Godzilla ornaments on the Christmas tree. (We both share a deep love for Godzilla.) it always feels odd to be around him, considering all the terrible things he said to me, but we still get along. Mostly because I'm not a hateful bitch, I suppose. I should dislike him, but mostly I just feel down when he is around, like I wasn't good enough. I find myself trying to impress him, but as soon as I realize it, I knock it off immediately. He is so not worth the effort!

I have a date tomorrow with A. We are going to meet at a coffee place at 1, and then go watch the Hobbit afterward. Maybe dinner. I dunno. Will see what happens. I am looking forward to seeing him and maybe getting another passionate kiss. That last one was impressive, if a bit botched.

Not sure if I mentioned it, but I did make an appointment for a new STD screening for January 2. My doctor said that would give me plenty of time to test positive for anything, thank goodness. I am not even the least little bit stressed over it - I just want it done. I am so tired of not having any sort of penetrative sex. Stupid me, won't make a dumb decision about going condom-free without the dude being tested again!

I went to the mall today and bought the rest of M's Christmas presents. We talked some on IM today, but not much. He didn't confirm any plans for the upcoming week. I didn't bring it up, because I wasn't looking to be stressed and shitty tonight at the party. So, meh. Now that I am typing this I am getting anxious. Fuck. Hopefully he is still planning to drive over on Monday for lunch.

Interesting - I got a message exchange this afternoon from the guy I went and played 2-man trivia with a while back. He Facebook friended me after, but I kinda ignored him after that, because he is mono, married and has a baby. He seemed to really be into me, but I wasn't looking to help him cheat. Anyway, he invited me out next Thursday to play trivia with his whole team, so I am prolly going to do that. He is nice enough, and he was good at trivia, so I don't mind interacting on a friend level. Also, I will be in withdrawal, because the rest of the week, trivia is cancelled for the holiday!

Haven't heard from B since we messaged while I was in NY. Not really expecting to, since he is with his son, visiting family in another state. I will prolly send him a merry Christmas text even if I don't hear from him, just to keep the contact active.
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  #144  
Old 12-23-2013, 08:45 PM
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Updating all around here - busy last couple of days!

I had a wonderful date day/night yesterday with A. I had actually failed to purchase movie tickets ahead of time, so we ended up seeing a later showing of the Hobbit movie - 6 pm instead of 2. Still, A said he would like to see me earlier anyway, so we met at 2 pm at a local coffee place. (I had chai.) He had brought a Lord of the Rings board game, and we played that, and chatted for a couple of hours. We then headed across the street and had dinner, before going to the movie.

The hilarious thing is that he brought along Hobbit slippers to wear during the movie. Since I had paid for VIP seating, we were in black leather recliners, and he was wearing Hobbit slippers. It was rather endearing. He held my hand and rubbed my leg all during the showing. Luckily, it was warm out, so I could wear a skirt and my legs were bare. I may have worn it for this express purpose.

Afterward, I drove us back to the coffee shop parking lot, so he could get his car, and I gave him some of my husband's homebrewed Winter Warmer. He asked if I wanted to get another drink before heading home, but the coffee shop was closed. At 8:30! Anyway, instead we talked in the car about all sorts of things. I got a text and realized it was 11 pm before too long. He apologized and I apologized and then started talking again and then it was midnight.

I walked him to his car - which was parked right next to mine! - and then we talked for another hour and a half before calling it a night. He hugged me and held me and yes, there were many kisses. He texted me when he got home. Today I friended him on Facebook.

He is now going to be out of town for the holidays, so I won't see him again until after New Year, which kinda sucks. He seemed upbeat last night though, and he has been texting me terrible puns all morning. He is a very funny guy and it is amazing how much we have in common. I really enjoy spending time with him.

He talked a lot about his girlfriend, and his metamour, and his metamour's other girlfriend. It's a little intimidating to be on the verge of entering such a tight polycule. They're all living together in a townhouse. He showed me photos of everyone last night, and I was instantly anxious about how attractive his girlfriend is. Well, maybe anxious is the wrong word, but it unsettled me a bit. She looked very friendly and open, but way skinny and hot. They're all younger than me and that is a little intimidating as well. I don't know why A would want to date me - I look so different from his girlfriend! I guess though, all of my guys are different. I'm not sure why he can't have different partners too. lol

I did see M today - he drove over to pick me up. We swapped presents. OMG he got me a Star Wars themed sunshield for my van. Not only is this incredibly awesome, but it's incredibly hilarious as well. This past summer we hooked up in the back of my van at the park and we were paranoid that someone would look in through the windshield and see us shagging. We had discussions about getting a sunshield, but never did. lol This one shows Han, Chewie, Lucke and ObiWan and it looks like they are in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon.

After presents, he drove to pick my son up from work, and brought him back home, and then M and I went out to lunch. We talked a bit about my date last night, and my insecurity about A's girlfriend. He asked to see pictures, and I showed him, and he scoffed at me. He thinks I am way better looking, but he likes curvy girls, so his opinion isn't valid. lol He said at worst we were equal, but we're not. lol He tried to boost me but I was resistant. Then I decided I didn't really care.

I am not sure when I will get to see him this weekend - something about his wife's girlfriend's boyfriend being difficult with their scheduling - but he assured me it will happen. We talked some about warmachine and the upcoming tournament. I am excited about it and can't wait to start messing with my army and coming up with a list. I don't have any time until the end of the week and I hope to have something in mind before we see each other so I can practice with it.

Ugh. I have grocery shopping and present shopping still to finish up today! My husband is going to go along with me after he gets off of work in 15 minutes, thank goodness. There IS trivia tonight, so I think he and I are going to go play if we get everything done prior to that.
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  #145  
Old 12-24-2013, 08:45 PM
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And just what I feared would happen - what I absolutely should have known was going to happen - happened. M told me today he wouldn't be seeing me this weekend.

I wasn't even all that upset initially, because sadly, I had prepared myself emotionally for more disappointment from him.

When I tried to ask him yesterday whether he would be sleeping over Friday or Saturday, he told me he had to find out from his wife, that her girlfriend's metamour was controlling and she was only going to get a couple of hours, so I needed to be flexible. I was ok with this. I have had the entire weekend open for him since we realized Christmas was a Wednesday and we'd need to shuffle things around. However, this morning, that fact didn't matter.

He actually said that H is his primary, and therefore I need to compromise.

He said she deserves time with her loved ones too, and it isn't always about me, and yeah, I need to compromise.

That compromise is that she is spending all weekend with her girlfriend, and therefore I can't see him at all.

I don't see any compromise. How is giving me zero time, a compromise? I asked about what time she would be returning on Sunday - maybe we could do Sunday night then, or Monday? He told me he couldn't discuss it anymore because she was crying and upset.

I was like, over what? She is getting everything she wants. I ask for ONE DAY A WEEK. I am not getting it.

I had no idea we were even fighting, but he was very combative and wouldn't even discuss options with me. I was like, really? I just want to get my overnight. I am flexible when it was to be, and still am. I don't know why she would be crying, as I have said absolutely nothing to her at all and nothing to him about her either. I don't understand the drama. I would just like to have a relationship with my boyfriend that does not involve me getting treated like I don't matter over the holidays.

A compromise would be more along the lines of she is willing to give me Thursday night, since she is taking both Friday and Saturday. Or that I am going to get time during the day on Friday and Saturday, since I am losing an overnight. But no, I am told this is what it is, and I just have to take it. No discussion allowed.

I really, really fail to see how this is good poly, in any universe. I don't know what else I can do - I have kept entirely open, the week following Christmas open, so my boyfriend could be able to give me time. Instead, I am given nothing and told that it is a compromise.

The horseshit I am being asked to swallow tastes like horseshit.
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  #146  
Old 12-24-2013, 10:59 PM
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Hi Bluebird,
Sorry you are going through this.
I don't quite understand, H is staying with her GF so M has the kids all weekend by himself?
There are no options for play dates or getting a sitter for a few hours?
Is H the one blocking you entirely or does M have a part in it?
Very hard to not get any kind of compromise or promise of time together in exchange. I feel for you.

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  #147  
Old 12-24-2013, 11:34 PM
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If my mind serves me correct her BF and his wife have a teen. I do not think they have young kids.

I am sorry bluebird. At last you know where you stand. I would save my energy for someone who wants to see you like A.
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  #148  
Old 12-25-2013, 12:12 AM
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One older teen. No idea who is the driving force behind the couple privilege, but it doesn't really matter. The outcome is that I am not able to spend my regular night with my boyfriend, or any other night. Or any day. I have been shut down and shut out and clearly my needs are considered less important around the holidays.
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  #149  
Old 12-25-2013, 04:40 AM
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Feeling much better. I am upbeat and positive. I am loved by many. Maybe things will improve with M, maybe they won't. Either way, I am worthwhile. I am lovable. I am capable of choosing joy for myself, in spite of how terribly my heart hurts.

Radio silence from M, the rest of today.

How does the saying go?

I am too positive to be doubtful.
I am too optimistic to be fearful.
I am too determined to be defeated.

I know I have been wronged here. I was not asked for my help or for understanding that H needed time to spend with her girlfriend. Instead, I was told that I was having time taken and given to her, and there was nothing I could do about it, and that I had no choice because I was not a primary. M was fighting with me before I had a chance to even think about what was being said. I was trying to figure out alternatives, so I too, could get the love I need, and I was being told that I was being selfish.

Action expresses priorities. Not words. M's actions express disregard, especially since last week, and this week, I had let him know that this outcome was what I was fearful of, and he was reassuring that it was unfounded anxiety on my part.

It hurts me so much to acknowledge this.

I love M very much. I have held nothing back. I have loved him whole-heartedly, openly, unguardedly.

I really just needed to remember my affirmations. I used to repeat them everyday, but fell out of the habit when I met M. I see now that I shouldn't have stopped - I need them now more than ever.

1. I take charge of my life.

2. I respond instead of react.

3. I forgive myself.

4. I choose to be happy.

5. All false messages about me are now dissolved with total grace.

6. I forgive every person who has ever undermined my self esteem.


Yes, I forgive myself. I choose to focus on the good. I choose to be happy.

I will continue to love whole-heartedly, openly, unguardedly. That is me. That will not change.
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Last edited by Bluebird; 12-25-2013 at 09:57 AM.
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  #150  
Old 12-26-2013, 11:54 AM
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OMG I just lost this huge long post I wrote. Ugh.

Lots of ups and downs over the last couple of days. Drama from every direction.

End result is that I am not seeing M this weekend. He is supposed to let me know today when he will be available for an overnight next week. He has lost most, if not all, trust with me. This fight is absolutely about him asking me what I need, me telling him, and then he discounting that conversation and me. It happened in a HUGE way back when D went out of state for a week, and now it has happened again. When I am feeling my most vulnerable, he makes promises that he fails to live up to filling. For whatever the reason.

I am done. Either he will see me, or he won't. I have too many needs that are NEEDS that he is discounting and has discounted. I NEED physical connection to sustain a relationship. I NEED consideration. He has failed to provide these things. Yesterday he actually said he didn't understand me. I went and cut and pasted things I had told him before. My needs and my expression of those needs have not changed since day 1. Yet every time we have an issue, it is because he is in shock that I actually mean what I say. I need physical connection, I need consideration. Fuck dude. It is like a total surprise to him each time. Give me the two days a week I have always said I needed, a text or two a day and I am good. It should not be all that hard to understand after I've repeated it for almost 5 months.

Like I said in my last post, I am on a mission for positive connections in my life. The good in this relationship still outweighs the bad, but it is teetering on the edge now. Last week he asked me what I needed, and I said, point blank, that I was afraid that I would lose my overnights completely during the holidays. He said I was being silly and that I shouldn't get anxious over it. Well, guess what I lost and didn't get rescheduled? And got accused of being selfish about? It isn't so silly when physical connection is the number one need in a relationship for me! It isn't something I can just say, no worries, we can skip it! My husband has been with me for 8 years and if he is gone for a week, I start getting weird. I know this, all my guys know this, and M is the only one who either does not get it or just doesn't care. I have anxious attachment issues. If you want to date me, you either give me the physical connection or we don't stay together. People here have been saying, clearly he can't give me that time. He can't give it consistently. But he tells me he can, and a majority of the time, he can. But when he doesn't, he just doesn't get that I need it recovered, pronto.

And that is where I am at with that. I don't want to break up. My NRE is still flooding my brain with chemicals. However, for me, NRE doesn't ever go away. I still have it with my husband. I am giddy, excited, stupid over D. I am giddy, excited, stupid over M. I like that. I like feeling those feelings. I love both of them so very much. But the anxiety with M is just too much lately. He needs to make sure that I get that physical connection. He needs to understand I can't shut off that need. It is a core part of me. The anxiety I have is an expression of that need. If he provides the one, the other disappears completely. It isn't difficult.

I saw M Monday for 3 hours. Good. Check mark in the connection box. Promise to reschedule my overnight, slight anxiety, but I have trust. Tell me now I don't get it, not rescheduling it and I am being selfish? Pandemonium.

Sigh.

There is a WarMa tournament next Saturday that M had been saying he would help me plan for, but since he isn't seeing me now, I made other arrangements. Both Cs from that neck of the woods are going to meet up with me and were more than happy to schedule time to do so. I am relieved that I don't have to miss the tournament. Now I just have to figure out gas money to get there - the travel takes a half tank of gas each time!

Seriously, every single guy I had ever dated/thought of dating/that turned me down for a date messaged me yesterday morning to say Merry Christmas. It was a bit overwhelming, to say the least. Some, like A, had lots to say and made me feel really loved. Others were just a surprise that I even received a brief message! (I did hear from B.) I didn't hear from M at all until later, and I was kinda teary over that, I must admit. When a guy that is married and has a little kid that I met once can take the time to say Merry Christmas, but my boyfriend doesn't - yeah, I feel that. He should have been the very first one I heard from! He was on Facebook, posting picture forwards, so it wasn't like he was caught up in family things. He did have time to send me a message. I know he didn't on purpose. Which is sad.

Oh, and in the evening, out of nowhere, I started getting hit on by a guy I had met once, at an 80s party a week or so back. (Not the dude I referenced in the last paragraph - this guy is single.) Anyway, at the party I could tell he was into me, but I wasn't there to get a date - D was there with me - and the guy wasn't poly, that I knew of. He did friend me after the party, and has commented on a couple of my posts, etc but not talked to me directly, until last night.

So, yeah, I learned that there are crazy guys in real life, as well as on OKC. He was trying to get me to drive over to his house and hookup with him! On Christmas! He started off saying he really liked the positive energy I had, he thought I was hot and he would have talked to me more, but he wasn't interested in having a poly relationship. But, he would be very interested in fucking me.

I bet.

He was pretty blunt that he had STD tests a year ago, had only had one sexual relationship since then with a chick that had recent tests done. He said he isn't really one for being faithful and doesn't like long entanglements. I told him well, that is kinda what I am looking for - I want a reliable boyfriend, looking for a 3rd, etc. not really wanting a FWB. He replied that he didn't necessarily even want to be a friend. Lol This guy was unbelievable. I appreciated his candor though. He just wanted to get laid.

I did too, because I did like him at the party. We had this vibe. Also, I haven't had penetrative sex since B and I hooked up that one time, a month ago. I am SO horny right now! Anyway, I told him thanks, but no thanks. He then started trying to get me to send him naked pictures. Not gonna happen. Geez dude. That made me wonder how many other chicks he has tried this with and had it work?

I told him I would keep him in mind, but I really am not looking for casual.

Which brings me back around to M. What I am looking for is him. Just one overnight a week, one date a week on another day. That's it. That's all I need. I wouldn't even need a third. My poly is flavored polyfi.

I don't like having anxiety. I don't like things not being calm. My life is organized. My life isn't perfect, but I work hard at keeping my ducks in a row. Right now it is all flown to pieces.
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