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  #111  
Old 11-04-2013, 12:18 PM
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Yeah, I don't know what to do about it though. M is distressed, I am distressed, obviously it is crazy. His wife has been actively poly for years, and has polycules all over the US. None of her relationships are polyfi. I really feel like I have been disrespected, but there isn't much I can do about it. I have never met H's girlfriend. I know they have been together for years.

I had a rough morning - I hate waking up alone.
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  #112  
Old 11-04-2013, 08:56 PM
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Well, I messaged with C3 this morning and that's a no go. He wrote to tell me he hoped to see me this week at the game store. I told him that I liked him, would date him, but was not really interested in the drama with the chick he was waiting for. If he wanted to see me, tell me when, and I'd make it happen. He responded later that he appreciated the honesty, and that it'd prolly be best if we were just friends for now. Yeah, the girl is never going to leave her boyfriend, and if she did, she wouldn't go to him, and if she did, it'd be short term. She is 30. If she wanted him, she'd have taken him already. Guys are dumb.

Not broken up about it though, I hardly knew the guy. Disappointed though.

It must be guys named C.

Actually, C2 and I were messaging lots this afternoon. He wants a no attachments, fuck buddy arrangement. I wish I could agree, but I just don't see the point. Sure, I like orgasms, but if he doesn't care about me, why bother? What if there is a spider or a moth? You gotta know a guy has your back, you know? That's my feeling anyway. He says he knows I like him, and he's into me, so why not? He says he's clean, because he has to be tested once a year since he is active military, and can count on two hands the number of partners he has had. He is a huge dork, so I think it is prolly less, but whatever. He says he has been celibate for 4 years. I know he told me before that his girlfriend didn't want sex before marriage and that they were breaking up when he goes to South Korea in February. She has given him free reign, apparently.

Gah! Why do I even talk to him, seriously? I respect myself too much to do a hookup, especially with a guy I have to see frequently. But he is awfully cute, in that nerdy way. But he is also a smoker, a brony, he loves Pokemon and is only 27. I would feel bad afterward, I think.
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  #113  
Old 11-05-2013, 03:23 PM
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Sooooooo, I totally hooked up with C last night. Gawd. It was fun, but awkward as hell. He is sweet, and I am willing to see him again. Hopefully Friday. I just got home and I sent him a message. This will go nowhere, which is how I want it. That said, he is most definitely not anything like D or M in bed, and though I went to sleep satisfied, he has some work to do. Like I said, awkward. I am definitely going to chalk it up to inexperience on his part. But I can deal with that, if he isn't freaking out about it today. Not sure. M told me I was fucking crazy, but we will see.

I realize now I labeled him incorrectly in my earlier post - I have not talked to C2 at all - it's C that I was talking to yesterday. Stupid names being all the same. C2 is a douchebag and I will not be getting together with him!

Yeah, I stopped to see M this morning, and he was very loving and attentive. He said he had some anxiety and a smidge of jealousy last night, but he was ok. We had breakfast at Dunkin Donuts - I forgot to eat yesterday, just lunch - and so we had some time to reconnect. Can't wait to have time with him tomorrow and get some proper, long-lasting loving.

D called me after I got home this morning, and the compersion he was experiencing was shining through the phone. He said so far it looks still like he will be home Friday night, but he won't know for sure until later in the week. Keeping my fingers crossed - when he is home, all is right with the world.
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Last edited by Bluebird; 11-05-2013 at 03:47 PM.
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  #114  
Old 11-05-2013, 06:29 PM
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Aaaand he's acting like a douchebag. It is kind of hilarious, if it wasn't me. M won't stop laughing at me. I see his point, but damn. There is a reason why I don't do this sort of thing! I did have orgasms, but I could have done that without having to suffer through awkwardness and unskilled labor. Lol And I could have gotten a decent night's sleep too.
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  #115  
Old 12-07-2013, 12:10 AM
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Wow It has been a while since I have written. I tried to stop, but I need the outlet emotionally.

I have had some serious ups and downs lately.

I reactivated my profile on okcupid, when I realized that M just is never going to be able to give me more time. He is having difficulty with it too. He rewrote his entire profile, changed up the pictures, answered questions. Crickets. He was upset I had over 100 quickmatch likes within the time frame. He is dealing with it, but he says he understands that a woman's experience on there is SO very different than a guy's.

The process has upset me too. I feel sad whenever he shows up in my feed. He doesn't have money or time to devote to another relationship - if he did, I would want him to give it to me! I need it! Desperately. I actually REALLY hate the entire dating process, and wish I didn't have to do it at all. I love M bunches, and to have him knee-jerk change up his profile because I am now looking, it makes me sad. He says he is just looking for validation, and I think he is being honest about his motivations. Still.

I had a really good first date with a guy named B. He was sweet, and respectful. Also very, VERY cute. Like, so cute that I was nervous about dating him, because he felt so out of my league. Same age as me, near the very end of a divorce, a published scientist with a PhD. Mono, but was open to poly. The date was awesome. He kissed me after, but I didn't feel sparks - just friendly and attracted, as I had from the beginning. Still, I was hopeful it would lead to more.

He then gave me radio silence for a week. This made me feel kinda shitty, because I felt like I had read him wrong. I got another guy messaging me, we will call him GMG, and he seemed kinda smarmy and just off a slight bit, but nothing I could really pin down. He pushed hard for my phone number and hard for a date. It felt good to be wanted, because after being wrong about B and M giving me all sorts of weird emotional mess, I needed that.

So we went out. 10 minutes in, his phone rang, and it was the old - it's an emergency so I have to leave - escape plan. He didn't escape though, instead he stayed. He gave me tons of flattering compliments, then became more aggressive as the night wore on. His hands started traveling, and then when I had had enough of that and his outlandish comments about poly, I stood up to leave and he stuck his hand down the back of my skirt - inside my skirt - and squeezed my ass. Date over. He then blocked access to my car door, leaning against it, not letting me leave until I kissed him. It was a bad situation. He needed mace. GMG stands for Grabby McGrabberson!

It took me a few days - this affected me a lot. I was way too passive and permissive during the date. I should have left earlier on, but I always try to rationalize things. I felt really dirty and like a terrible person. The things this guy said to me!

After that, I went on OKC and didn't answer any messages or write anything. I felt really disheartened. Then when looking at my visitor list, I saw B had been looking at my profile. I sent him a message, saying that I was still awesome and he should either date me or stop looking at me. He immediately contacted me offline and told me he thought he had blown it with me by not keeping in contact, and was sorry. He explained what had been going on, and it was understandable, so I agreed to talk with him still. this made me feel better, to know I hadn't read him wrong. He then made the effort and texted me silly things all week before asking me for another date.

At that point, I had set up a first date - dinner - with a poly guy in a nearby town, named A. B really, really wanted to see me, so he said he would take a lunch date that same day. Well, our lunch date went from noon til 4:30 at which time I had to leave for my dinner date! It went SO well! I still wasn't feeling fireworks, but it was really, really good and I felt very comfortable. Then I went on my dinner date. A is 5 years younger than me, and is short. He is in an established polycule and is super insightful. However, I didn't feel much level of attraction to him. He looks even younger than his age, and unfortunately for him, I picture C every time he would talk. I just - ugh. I felt by the end of that date that I would go on a second date, but that more than likely he would get friend zoned. But I was also in a good mood, because we had a TON in common.

At that point, B and I got back and touch, and he asked me out for another date that night. I felt pretty crazy having 3 dates in one day! But I said yes and we had dessert and drinks and played pool at a nearby bar/restaurant. It went amazingly well and again I felt super comfortable and he did an excellent job of making me feel special and important to him.

That next week was Thanksgiving, and B went out of town. I was super busy too. However, both B and A messaged me every day. A was hilarious - holy crap, we have such good chemistry over text! I wish I could bottle that and make it work in our in person contact! B was more short and subdued, but still, he was chatting.

After the holiday, B was making the long drive back from his friends/family and asked if he could see me that evening, because his schedule was going to be crazy and he wanted to see me. I was out with friends at a nearby bar, so he came and saw me like the second he got into town. One of the people I was hanging out with was C2. C2 has increasingly become more of a douchebag, but unfortunately I am now good friends with his friends so I see him lots. Anyway, C2 immediately picked up that I was seeing B and was a douchebag to him. Nothing overt, but definitely rude. This upset me a little, ok, a lot. So, I asked B if he wanted to go back to his place, which of course he did.

We ended up watching a movie and then having sex.

I so wish I hadn't, at first. He was fine, we had chemistry, but I felt like I had let myself down. I know I was wanting validation, and I was feeling lonely. Plus, yeah, I was horny too. Lol but also because I was pissed off at C2, which is dumb, because, duh, douchebag. I had brought my diaphragm with me, so I was prepared to sleep with him ahead of time - so it wasn't like a last minute decision. I should be clear about that.

Anyway, the next morning, I felt out of sorts. B didn't. He kissed me goodbye and told me he really liked me, to not be worried, etc. He messaged me the next day, and then after another day he scheduled another date with me. So that reassured me. We had that date last night.

That date was sorta good and bad. He picked me up and we ordered in Chinese at his place, watched South Park and Jon Stewart and SNL. The whole time he was falling asleep on the couch! It was clear he wasn't in a position to be inviting a girl over. He ended up driving me home, and he was very apologetic. He said he was very tired, because his work schedule was crazy, but that he wanted to see me and that was a priority, because he didn't want me to feel like our having had sex was going to make him disappear. If anything, he liked me even more.

So that was sweet, though disappointing, since I was horny as hell. He messaged me today again.

I am going to break this up into another entry, because hell, this is long.
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  #116  
Old 12-07-2013, 12:42 AM
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The thing with B, is that he told me that one of the reasons for his divorce was that he works so much. I can see that already. It doesn't seem like he has a good balance going. I will see how it plays out - I can't give him 100% of my time anyway, so if he can strike a point where he isn't falling asleep on our dates, then I think we will work out. I still am not feeling that 'holy shit lightning hit my crotch' feeling with him, though. I just have happy tingly smiles all over. Very different from how I felt with M.

Oh, M. He has me all out of sorts lately. I really screwed up by sleeping with B so early into things - M felt undervalued and threatened. He knee-jerked and set his OKC profile to available for relationships (it had been set to just looking for friends) and started acting all hurt. Because it did hurt him. He told me that he felt my next decision would be to cut him off entirely, since B lives 5 minutes - seriously right around the corner - from me. I tried to reassure him. I don't want his heart hurt for anything.

However, I fucked up because I didn't use anything but the diaphragm with B. I knew it was dumb. He did tell me he had a recent clean AIDS test, but hadn't been screened for anything else recently. However, given the sexual history he shared, I felt ok with the risk. Of course, I then had to immediately share my stupidity with both my husband and with M.

Ugh. Both of them were floored. I have to say I am floored myself, looking back at it. What the fuck? Anyway, I let both guys know of my bad decision-making skills. The doctor's office will test me in a month - they said that's what they would recommend. B says he can get tested earlier, but knowing his schedule, I am not thinking that is realistic. Anyway, when I saw M on Wednesday, he really, really wanted to have penetrative sex with me - and I really, really wanted him to - but he didn't. We still had a good time and it was super fun and satisfying, but my lapse in forward thinking definitely had an effect on our intimacy. I am kicking myself for that, because sex with M is still the most intense I have ever had.

My husband is sick at the moment, and he says he trusts my judgement and plans on continuing our sex life as always. He was still plenty aggravated by my choice though.

I certainly don't intend to make a habit of it. I told B last night that he would be wrapping it up and he was agreeable to that.

So, anyway.

I have a dinner date set up with A on Sunday. He is still texting me hilarious things and we have a good connection. I am not sure what to do about that. I guess that is a wait and see proposition too.

I feel like B and I are doing well. He invited me to go on a work trip with him later this month to DC, but he hasn't brought it up again. I am not sure if I can go because of the dates anyway.

I find myself still incredibly in love with M, yet stressed out over him most of the time. He has made a concentrated effort lately to give me more time and it has really helped. Unfortunately, his anxiety seems to be increasing and I feel torn about what to do about it. He says it is his issue to deal with. I don't want to lose him though. When we are together, well, he's my happy.
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  #117  
Old 12-08-2013, 09:17 PM
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Stupid weather. I cancelled my dinner date tonight due to a snowstorm. I was supposed to be out with A - we were going to go to dinner and then go play a board game at a coffee shop. Perfect date with him, I think. He messaged me after I texted him to cancel, asking for dibs on Thursday night. So that was sweet. This would be our second date.

I didn't answer though, because I am trying to keep my schedule open for B. He messaged me yesterday but didn't have any availability at that point - he was waiting to hear from his ex. He shares custody of his son and so the nights he is parenting, he doesn't go out. Her schedule is different every week, so I have to wait and see. Monday-Tuesday-Thursday are my only free nights this week, since M has Wednesday and Friday a friend is having an 80s themed party in their backyard arcade (my friends are awesome-er than yours!). Monday will be trivia with my husband at a nearby bar, but B would be welcome to come, if he were free. Sunday I am traveling to NY at ass o'clock in the morning, so Saturday night is a stay home sleep sort of time. Ugh, my life is full at the moment.

Anyway, if I promise Thursday to A, my only real alone-time with B would end up being Tuesday, if he has it free. I don't want to run the risk of missing out on seeing him this week. I will be happy when the holidays are over and the terrible weather is done!
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  #118  
Old 12-08-2013, 09:59 PM
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glad your back blogging. i live vicariously through your stories.
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  #119  
Old 12-10-2013, 01:36 PM
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Aw, thanks Ali!

Well, B has kind of disappeared as of yesterday. It is just one day of silence, but he had been massaging me every day, so I dunno. I was expecting him to let me know what days he was available to hang out this week, but nothing. I messaged him last night, inviting him to hang out at a local spot where I play trivia on Monday nights, but again, no response. My phone says messaged delivered, but it doesn't say read, so I am trying not to be anxious about it. Because hey, we aren't exclusive yet, we are just casually seeing each other, etc. I am sure he is all wrapped up in work again. This isn't fun for me though, and I am pretty clear that I need some sort of daily communication to feel connected to someone. We will see if I hear from him today or not - I am not sending anything his way. I refuse to be all up in his space.

So, anyway, I did message A back and we are now firm for dinner and board games on Thursday night. He has been sending me messages and pictures every day, and nothing about him seems forced or contrived. I think he's sweet and I am always smiling when I read his messages. We have only had one date though, and that feels like eons ago. I haven't held his hand, or kissed him. I gave him a hug goodbye after our dinner date, because he just felt so impossibly young to me. He is in his 30s though, so I need to get over that. Lol I am hoping this date will help me decide what to do with him - continue dating, or friend zone. I had like zero physical attraction for him on our first date - not because he was unattractive, but because he looked so young and reminded me of C. Also, to be fair, I was buzzing from my date with B. Hopefully I can get a clear idea of how this would work, after spending more time with him. I think playing a board game or two will really bond us, if he's fun.
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  #120  
Old 12-10-2013, 02:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
. . . I am pretty clear that I need some sort of daily communication to feel connected to someone.
I think it might benefit you to look at that "need" and see if there are other ways to feel connected without letting yourself be disappointed when someone can't be in touch every day. Because everyone has things that happen in their lives that can get in the way of daily communication, you don't want to come off as demanding and pouty when that doesn't happen. Not saying you are doing that, but it might be something to watch out for.

Lots of guys are just not into that kind of daily contact, but it doesn't mean they aren't thinking of you or feeling connected to you. Just another perspective for you to think about - it's good to know what our needs are but also good (in our continual quests for self-knowledge) to examine them and see how reasonable they are.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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