Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-12-2015, 02:08 AM
New2This3's Avatar
New2This3 New2This3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 37
Default The Musings of a Newbie

Hello all! I am New2This3....I've fairly new to this community/site and have written about most of what's going on in my life right now in a different thread (you can find that here for some background: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=75721)

..I figured I'd start a blog in this section to kind of continue my life's journey into the poly world and perhaps get some feedback along the way....

So the last I left off on the thread I posted before, I was trying to find ways to get past my feelings of insecurities/jealousy....I took the advice/insight I received on here to heart...mulled it around, and realized that some self reflection and self-focus couldn't hurt and is probably MUCH needed regardless.... It also serves greatly as a distraction from constantly over analyzing everything and anything that has to do with me and S (my husband for those who don't know) and with S and K (his "girlfriend") ((I put the quotations because they love each other but she's married in a monogamous relationship, soon to be separated with the intentions of getting divorced and wants to be free before pursuing any relationships further.....again for those who don't know))

Anywho....I've also decided to just sacrifice my feelings for awhile on the "ultimatum" S gave me.... I started to feel that things were getting nowhere with trying to talk more about it and trying to make him understand how I felt about it.... So instead I decided to just submit and go along with it....after all it's not like I'm doing things I don't want to do or don't agree with...it's just that I wanted more out of it and wanted my feelings to be considered.... But anyways, I've actually been happy with how things have been since deciding to just "roll" with it.... The stress of over analyzing is gone....S has been living up to his word on trying to reconnect with me and work on finding "us" again.....the abstinence sucks like hell (we are both very sexual people but one of his concerns was that that was the only level we connected on so he wants to try and reconnect on other different levels) but it's been nice trying to spark the romance again....

I've found that either I keep my feelings/thoughts/emotions completely contained within or I talk TOO much about how I feel and how others feel, asking and prodding (spelling?) to try and understand them..... It's a little smothering sometimes and I'm trying to work on that.

But yeah, it's been a week and two days since S made his "ultimatum" and I feel like overall it's been a good week and two days . I feel like K and I are doing well within our friendship....we even hung out all three of us together a few times and had fun and also just me and her and our kids, which can get crazy but still I love it

I'll write about a few other thoughts in separate posts below.

Last edited by New2This3; 08-12-2015 at 02:11 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-12-2015, 02:20 AM
New2This3's Avatar
New2This3 New2This3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 37
Default Career goals on the horizon

I may have touched briefly on this on the other thread but I'm gonna mention it again.

So I've been at my current job for over 10yrs. I have two years left of schooling before obtaining my BA in the same field. After taking time off to focus on have little mini me's with S, I have been accepted back into the program and my job has offered to pay the tuition for it. I'm so grateful and excited!! not only that, it comes with some great incentives once I have my degree completed... So yay! I still have some things I'm weary of or nervous about but all in all I feel like things are starting to look up career wise for me.

Not only that, but the college is in a nearby city and I've felt so antisocial for the last 3 years, I feel like now I'm gonna be surrounded by plenty of opportunities to make friends and network and maybe even more

Yay for opportunities!! Lol

Last edited by New2This3; 08-12-2015 at 02:44 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-12-2015, 02:42 AM
New2This3's Avatar
New2This3 New2This3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 37
Talking Reassuring a Mono GF

So earlier tonight K and I were texting back and forth....and a silly teasing convo led to her asking a serious question.... She asked if I really would be okay with S being "intimate" with her.... I immediately responded "sure" (((which is the truth))) and she responded "but you're married to him so I don't understand"

::sigh::

I had to take a minute at this point to try and collect my thoughts and find the words to explain it to a person who has only been in a monogamous relationship, who I fear will potentially not be suited for a poly life, who isn't okay with S and I being intimate ((so of course she thinks I wouldn't be ok with her and him)), who I adore and care about so much, who I WANT to be with and I mean in more than a best friend type of relationship, who is part of my life now and I don't want to say anything out of line that would eff that up.......

:::double sigh:::
:::runs hand thru hair:::
Oh boyyyyy

So finally I told her this, verbatim:
"I've told you before, I want us three to be together...even if that ends up meaning only you and I are best friends....I know that you and S love each other...and S and I love each other .... And part of that love means intimacy and making love/sex... I'm okay with you and him because the love between you two is beautiful and makes the both of you happy....and that's what I want, all of us to be happy....together. "

:::nervous sweat pouring down face:::
Was it okay to say that? Was it enough of an explanation? Did I explain myself okay? Should I have worded it differently??
Obviously all rhetorical questions since what's done is done lol she said she was still processing last I heard from her....and I told her no worries, no rush...to enjoy her time with S (((they meet up at the gym in the evenings when they can))) AND I'm hoping that each of these little gestures (such as the explanation plus telling her to enjoy her time with him) help her in feeling more comfortable with the idea of all this...

Is it a wasted effort?? Who knows.
But I gotta try right?

On a different note, the idea of S and K moving their relationship to the next level kinda excited me tonight....which completely took me by surprise...i fully expected more jealousy and insecurities to creep up and take over me (((which may or may not still happen once it crosses that level)))
Maybe it's the thought that things will actually be able to progress ((perhaps faster?)) within each of our relationships once things start to include sexual experiences??
Maybe it's the thought of truly finding out where things will lead once that barrier is crossed??
Maybe it's the thought of hope that intimacy will bring us all closer?

Or maybe I just plain ol' find the image of S being sexual with K a complete and total turn on?! :::grins wide eyed:::

Haha who knows ...
Ok ok...I think I've rambled on enough for tonight.
Good night everyone!!

Last edited by New2This3; 08-12-2015 at 02:45 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-12-2015, 05:04 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,692
Default

Whether this all works out or NOT ... is not, solely, your responsibility. I'd like to say more but I am heading off to bed.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-12-2015, 03:09 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 5,384
Default

New2This, I responded on your other thread.

You are obviously polyamorous or polysexual. And it is common when one is poly, to sometimes feel aroused at the thought of one's partner having sex with another person. So, that's OK. It's fine.

However, you are sex deprived right now. You have been extremely, or in my opinion, overly generous in agreeing to your husband's decision not to fuck you until... K feels OK with the idea of her married lover fucking his own wife? or, is actually fucking him so it's OK if he fucks you? I still can't wrap my head around this agreement!

K is probably mono. You're poly, and bisexual. She seems to be leading you on in the "possible sex in the future with her" idea. This happens often in potential triads. I think she has way too much on her plate to be in relationship with your husband, much less with her boyfriend's wife (you). She may be merely bicurious to a small degree. Don't get your hopes up.

I know you 3 will go on and do whatever you want. But if I were in your shoes, I'd be putting the brakes on the whole shebang at least until she moves into her own apartment in October.

I thought she was living with you and your h but I guess I was wrong? She is still living with her husband and only sees your h at the gym? Her kids are home with her husband while she's flirting with and kissing your h at the gym? She better get custody agreements settled first. Or goodness knows what a judge might think of all this, if he or she finds out about her little secret. Does her husband suspect anything?

Congrats on getting tuition reimbursement and being able to go back to college. You say you've felt cut off from society since having kids, so enjoy making friends and being intellectually stimulated!

K is also socially cut off, and far too dependent on your husband for social support and sexual feelings. She'd be better off putting the brakes on this affair, and either resuming things once she is divorced, or staying single for a while as she recovers from and adjusts to the divorce, and helps her kids adapt to a new lifestyle. She might eventually seek a single mono guy so she can avoid all the complications of loving a married man.

This is all my opinion. Feel free to disagree. You seem somehow happy with it all, but it sounds like a bunch of risky business to me, not to mention the unfairness of not getting sex from your h so he can help K avoid feelings of envy and jealousy.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (42, M) since Oct 2015 (he has recently downgraded us to friends)
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-13-2015, 12:48 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 5,384
Default

*
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (42, M) since Oct 2015 (he has recently downgraded us to friends)
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-13-2015, 02:13 PM
New2This3's Avatar
New2This3 New2This3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 37
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
This is all my opinion. Feel free to disagree. You seem somehow happy with it all, but it sounds like a bunch of risky business to me, not to mention the unfairness of not getting sex from your h so he can help K avoid feelings of envy and jealousy.
I don't disagree with you completely and I do thank you for your insight on the whole situation. I tried sending you a private message yesterday but I'm not sure if it went through or not. I'm busy at work right now but I will come back to respond when I get a free moment.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-15-2015, 03:46 AM
New2This3's Avatar
New2This3 New2This3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 37
Default Realizations

So.... Theres a lot I want to mention and get off my chest so hopefully I don't forget anything....

1) I feel like I'm pushing them away by expressing myself about how I feel about this whole situation every few days....

2) S has realized that his ultimatum was a wrong move on his part, but still seems at a cross roads when it comes to the whole situation.... He says that all he knows for certain is that he wants us both in his life in any way he can, he just doesn't fully understand right now what that means....

3) I've expressed to him that All I am asking if him is for us to work on our relationship without any restrictions.... But I know he feels conflicted about that because he feel doing so with me will cause conflict with His "potential" relationship with her.... He expressed that I'm acting as though he doesn't want me in the ways I say and that I'm acting like he doesn't love me anymore....and he says I am wrong, he just doesn't know how to make both woman whom he loves happy without hurting the other....

4) I think I may have wrongfully assumed that K was somewhat to blame for how things are between S and I.... But I think after today's conversation that I had with her, I'm more leaning to things being the way they are solely because S doesn't know how to sort out his internal struggle with a lot of things.

5) she agreed with me (in her own way) that she doesn't know if she will be okay with sharing S with me....but she (and S says this a lot too) said that the future can hold many possibilities and outcomes so who knows....

6) at the end of the conversation she told me that S and I can do what we want....that she is tired of being the one holding everyone back....

7) i maybe be a fool or blind or whatever i WANT to work on my marriage.... I know things have been rocky for a long time...but I feel like we have acknowledged all those issues and I feel like our communication is getting better EVEN THOUGH we don't see eye to eye on things right now, we are still being open and honest with how each other feels and that is a hell of an improvement from how we used to treat each other and from how distant we would sometimes be..... We have kids together too....and if there is a chance at happiness between him and I, I want to take it...I want my family to stay together.... I know I have to draw the line somewhere....but I guess I'm just not ready to right now....

8) S has said that he doesn't know what the future holds but that he knows he needs us both in some way.... And that he feels like he most likely will end up loosing one of us but that he is hoping that won't be the case....but he feels like one of us will end of finding life to be too much.... He thinks it will be K because she is mostly monogamous.... And it hurts him to think he will end up loosing her.

9) at the very least, I want to be friends to them both for now....I want the freedom to do as I please with my own husband but I also feel like I need to be patient and supportive of him, and not because I think he is making the right choices, but because I love him and feel like I should be there for him as he goes through what he's going through, whether I agree with it or not.....he has to deal with the consequences of his own actions and decisions....I will always love him unconditionally.....

10) I'm tired of over analyzing everything.... I just want to live in the moment.... I want to be there for them both...maybe start somewhat from scratch but more just on a platonic level and slower pace I guess......she's going thru a tough time and doesn't need all this extra stuff overwhelming her...I kinda think that's why she gets frustrated with me when I talk about how I feel so I'm just gonna stop and focus on helping her through this time in her life. As for me and S.... I guess I can only focus on doing what I can to show him I love him and that I'm trying to work on us and our relationship and that I don't want to loose him as my husband. Whether he meets me halfway or not will determine our future together ((along with other factors I suppose))

11) he has been doing his part, I will admit that much...we've had two nice lunches just me and him and he's made more of an effort to try and reconnect with me and whatnot....so that's been nice.

12) this is completely unrelated but our 30th birthdays are coming up in September and I have no clue what to get him....I am a sucker for trying to give meaningful gifts and with how this whole situation has been, I just can't think of an idea that screams "I love you this much".....you know, like that one special gift that they will cherish forever....ugh . I hope I think of something amazing.

I probably did forget to mention a few things I wanted to say but who knows. I'm tired and off to bed. Good night.

Last edited by New2This3; 08-15-2015 at 03:54 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-02-2015, 07:06 PM
New2This3's Avatar
New2This3 New2This3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 37
Default Back with LOTS of updates

A hella lot has happened in the last two months since I last posted.

A lot of lies and truths and painful talks and eye opening sh*t and cycling back and forth between S and K and S and me.

She moved into her apartment Oct 1st and S spent the weekend there helping her because he felt like he "owed" her because she literally had no one else to help her move....

At the time she was hurt because of something she found out about him and I that he hid from her.

At the time, her and I ceased our friendship.

So S was cycling back and forth between her and I.....staying nights there when she didn't have her kids, and nights at our house when she had her kids.

He was maintaining a platonic relationship with us both while he 'figured himself out'.....

i went through stages of emotional unstability.....i pleaded with him....begged him....fought with him....apologized to him....basically tried anything i could to try and "win" him back....

we went on a date and really had a heart to heart talk about EVERYTHING. i thought it went well.

but then at home, things got saucy and we missed each other so....that happened. and he wanted to keep it a secret from her....again. ::sigh::

i missed him and still wasn't in my right state of mind so i went along with it for a few days...

and then i slowly realized the cycle that we three have been going through all this time....

and that now that she had her apartment this was the cycle and kind of life that he was going to keep up.....he loves two women. one wants a mono relationship with him. while his wife doesnt want to simply be 'just' friends.

and i realized he was going to just live day by day letting things play out and never be able to make a decision...

i realized i deserved better than that.

and so i told him i had to let him go. financially i can't afford to live on my own....not yet, and i didn't have any place to go so i moved my stuff into the spare bedroom and started distancing myself from him....only communicating when it pertained to the kids.

and he was heartbroken over it.

the 2nd day after i told him this, i gave him a separation agreement to look over and sign. i had to go to class that night and he went to K's house in tears apparently.....they had a long talk and to an agreement that things didn't feel right. there was no lack of love or abuse in our marriage and she felt like if she had half of that with her marriage that she would be trying to make her marriage work. so they decided to stay friends.

and he came back to me.

except he was still heartbroken....this time in loosing her.

but thats not all....the next day, K's husband finds out about S and K....

and i think out of guilt of her "cheating" she was apologetic and kinda turned a leaf saying things like she ruined our marriage and got in the way of us and is afraid of loosing us as friends etc....and that she hate that she hurt her husband and that her sins are far greater than anything he has done and that she feels like she ruined her marriage as well....

and we tried staying friends with her. but she and her husband ended up talking Saturday night about everything..... and he told her that IF she wanted to try to work out their marriage again, that he didn't want her to be friends with us anymore.

so she told us about it and said she wasn't making any decisions right away....but that she did feel like she missed her family, and that she felt love for her husband but wasn't "in love" with him so she wasn't sure what she was going to do...

S has been taking this all extremely bad and started projecting anger towards her....

she is so distraught that today, my attempts to be supportive and friendly have been reciprocated by her lashing out at me, saying things like she was the one who let S go...that she knew he loved her and was going to be good for her but that she could not and would not ever share him with anyone....and she was tired of defending her beliefs to us and him trying to shape her into something that he wanted her to be...that she couldn't change who she was.....and that maybe it was better for us three to not be friends.

i've left out details, like things S has said to me about their relationship....things he could feel wouldn't have worked....but then he knows he loves her and misses her greatly and he is taking it VERY hard.

and i guess i'm just torn emotionally. i love him. but i hate seeing him hurt like this.

and i keep second guessing whether he has made the right choice.

i know it was his choice to make.....but he almost didn't even make it himself....and hes said things to me afterwards, like how he realizes he feels like he abandoned me and our marriage and was blinded by some of his emotions.....how he always has loved me and will never stop loving me, etc.

among a lot of other things...


i guess i just need some outsider's point of views....
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-02-2015, 07:57 PM
vinsanity0's Avatar
vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 560
Default

I had a very similar experience when I first started dating Elle. She, like K, wanted me all to herself. At one point Cat and I did put our relationship on hold for various reasons. That caused Elle to really push for a monogamous relationship. In the end I said no and we are now friends who occasionally have sex. It will probably never progress beyond that. The whole experience has caused me to shy away from women who are not explicitly poly.

K had some very unrealistic expectations. The whole "wait until she's okay with you and your hubby having sex" thing blew my mind. It's a shame your hubby didn't realize that would never work. If he loves you he needs to get over her. If you guys decide to remain poly in the future I hope he makes better choices. I hope you make better choices as well. I'm sure you can see how agreeing to that ultimatum was a mistake.
__________________
Vince 53/het/m
Cat 50/bi/f in a relationship together 20 years, currently LDR
Sprite 42/bi/f friend, lover and play partner
Elle 40/het/f flaky FWB...was dating seriously
Mary 53/het/f mono lifelong friend
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:03 AM.