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  #11  
Old 09-02-2013, 03:36 AM
ALpolyman ALpolyman is offline
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I would suggest that the two of you continue to visualize what it is that you do want......spend more time focusing on that rather that the negative things that you are anticipating to happen. When my partner and I entered the lifestyle, we spent time visualizing how positive it would be and we also imagined what it would be like and how we might react. At the same time, we were open and willing to move forward with positive intentions for ourselves and the people we encountered.

When one of us has a negative or difficult experience, we use it as a chance to learn and move forward.

When we encounter a person or people who don't share our values or our ethics, we move away from them.

Bottom line is that we believe we are free to create a positive life for ourselves without having to sacrifice our personal morals, ethics, values and intentions.

If you want to send me a personal message, I can send you some worksheets that we use which helps identify values, feelings and intentions. These things can be worked on together.

I also agree with others that have said slower is better in your case and it probably would be great if she could get some therapy.
Well, I guess we have two different points of view…at least partly. While we have tried to envision what we want, I submit that I cannot ignore the negative consequences, unintended or otherwise. I tend to think as a realist…meaning that I know what I’d like to have but figuring out how I can have my cake and eat it too, and do it without the side effects. I think it’s awesome that you and your partner have the wherewithal to envision, or did envision, the poly experience and were able to obtain it. But, that’s why I’m here; to try to figure out what will work for us. I say that to say this. We are socially trained to be married…married to someone of the opposite sex. We’ve had this shit jammed down our throats our entire lives, yet somehow along the way, we figured out that the whole one man, one woman thing didn’t seem right. Now we’re trying to undo some of this, unravel it small strands at a time but struggling with it. We’ve had a few short thirty-something years to learn this, just to try to figure out how to unlearn it in a year or two. Please don’t take this as a slight against you; it is not. It’s a slight against society as a whole and I want something different for myself before I die. Perhaps I just need some perspective from those who struggled with similar experiences and how they overcame it…an example. Maybe that might add a little context to the situation. Anybody have context?
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  #12  
Old 09-03-2013, 01:34 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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I certainly understand! I will share my process.

I am 56 years old. I was raised in the Deep South (Bible belt) as a good little Catholic girl. My parents are monogamous and (until my Dad passed) were together for 58 years. I was raised in a monogamous culture and was told fairy tales which supported the idea that there is that perfect one person for each of us and that we would meet them, marry them and live happily ever after.

All of the movies support that as well as music, books, magazines etc. About 4 years ago (at the age of 52) I decided that monogamy didn't make sense to me any more and that despite what the culture teaches, it isn't working out so well in general for the culture either.

I went through an angry phase for about a year. Angry at the culture that brainwashed me to believe that a monogamous relationship is the only type of valid relationship.

Then- I got angry at myself. I have always considered myself to be a free thinker. But I got angry at myself for buying into something that suddenly seemed like a bunch of bullshit.

Once I processed and worked through my anger and frustration is when I began to visualize what I wanted to create for myself.

I moved forward with confidence, honesty and discernment. My primary partner and I discussed things a lot and we moved forward and began to meet people.

Until you actually start meeting and interacting with people, you really don't know how things are going to be.

We approach the lifestyle from a place of trust in each other, honesty with one another, consideration for one another.

We have had a few situations where one of us felt uncomfortable and we worked through it.

For me it is a matter of

1- giving myself permission to question authority and what the culture has taught me my entire life.

2- giving myself permission to make my own rules

3- make my own rules and set out to find others that are open to them (and there are a lot of them fortunately!)

And the way I am able to feel good about myself and my life is because I operate from a place of authentic honesty- confidence, consideration, passion and humor.

I guess I am saying the same thing as I said before, but your post seemed to imply that you are the only one who has been brainwashed about monogamy and I would just suggest that everyone has.
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  #13  
Old 09-03-2013, 04:18 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default threesums are easy, triads are hard

and no matter how much thinking you put into it, there are likely to be days that are hard to deal with, but if you always take it one baby step at a time, or one day at a time, and allow yourselves the understanding to make mistakes (which goes the smoothest when you can come back after an emotionally tough day, and recognize the things said or done that may have been closer to mistakes then not) because you will make mistakes, but it's what you do afterward that counts

if you can do that, there will not be anything -- or few things -- that translate to damage beyond repair.

It's my opinion that threesums may complicate things as an introduction to "open" when transitioning as a committed couple, so I shouldn't have started this comment with "threesums are easy" I just meant it is not nearly as hard to find a third for a sexual experience, it's the triad dynamic that is tough, so you may not want to begin with a threesum with your spouse. Some people get turned on to see there spouse with another and some don't do well, but if you are not sure then it seems more likely that it will bring up a "hidden hurt" that you get sucker punched by, so honestly it might be best to try a glory hole and see how that goes.

Another approach would be to have sex in the same bed with another couple but only involved your hands or mostly two separate couples having sex known as "soft swap"

however you wouldn't be the first couple to decide in the heat of the moment that you're ready for a full swap, but right after orgasm some people start to think slightly different

From my limited experience, a good indication of your "THIS IS NOT A DRILL" poly/non-monogamy preparedness is how your conversations with your spouse go, but it is hard to explain in a coherent way. The jist of it is, if you have to verbally dance around certain words it is not a good sign.

the other thing to look out for, is the added excitement of threesum NRE, if you never scream "oh gawd!" and you suddenly do in front of your wife, and it's not because of something she did, it can be a little hard for one's ego to take

so there may be some things you might not have anticipated

so you may want to think about how each of you would feel if you saw the other in a far more "pleasureably animated exhuberence" so to speak, but there to, many many people, both husbands and wives -- everybody really -- has some form of a seriously twisted wild animal that they didn't have the slightest idear was caged, in a closet they didn't even know existed nor did they realize it was part of them. Sometimes one person likes to see their SO's wild side, but they themselves can get comfortable with it and feel ashamed that too can cause damage that some people never learn to get passed

They can be extremely joyous experiences, but it can take some getting used to, and there is nothing wrong with not being comfortable about anything that is YOUR sexuality, in fact nothing is more sure to make things implode or explode then for a person to feel pressured and then the experience becomes a complex. Sex is a powerful and emotional experience, one that I strongly feel is enhanced the more you can consciously get into and unfortunately many people have been already given a rather severe complex before they even reached puberty by well meaning but extremely emotionally damaging "masturbation is bad" teachings. Any subject regarding sex that gets mentioned but not discussed thoroughly enough so that an understanding can be had risks giving a person a sexual complex. Sex is better being fully present as opposed to detached and if you enter a situation that your spouse later has to work hard to forget it is a recipe for damage beyond repair,

so be cautious won't ever be as damaging as leaping without looking.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 09-03-2013 at 05:02 AM. Reason: typos
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  #14  
Old 09-03-2013, 04:27 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Waiting and continuing to research and have discussions is NOT a bad decision! To me it show a great deal of maturity. So many people, claim to have a "rock solid" marriage, jump into poly (or anything else that produces relationship stressors) only to have all the flaws that were so easily ignored previously highlighted and magnified. I tend to be the negative personality. My first answer is automatically wants to be NO, then I think on it for a few hours and, then I'm fine with it. I know this about myself, and I try to accommodate for it, so instead of saying NO upfront, I tell people I need to think about it and will get back to them in a few hours.

Counseling wouldn't be a bad idea. Not counceling to "save" a bad marriage, but to make a good marriage better. You have already identified a few issues that the two of you struggle with, start there. Why do both of you struggle with jealousies? Is it fear, someone's being neglected, too much social programing, etc. I'm not normally a jealous person, but when I'm feeling neglected or ignored, then I do get jealous. Even if you don't see a counselor, spend some time working on strengthening your communication skills between the two of you.
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Old 09-10-2013, 08:18 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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are you reading and researching while you wait? Especially with jealousy, books on non-monogamy can be very helpful. I feel "the ethical slut" has a great chapter on jealousy, also morethantwo.com has great articles too. if its what you really want, get educated and bring it back up when you think you can. There are always reasons not to,but it becomes difficult to ignore your own needs.

It might just be me, but ive never felt regret being with my boyfriend sexually because im married to someone else, especially knowing that J knows way lays any guilt. If you feel you have some moral compass to overcome, thats something you can do by researching for your own self discovery. I came to poly by realizing i just wanted more, i love more, i want to be physical more, we dealt with all the baggage as it came
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  #16  
Old 09-15-2013, 12:00 AM
ALpolyman ALpolyman is offline
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are you reading and researching while you wait? Especially with jealousy, books on non-monogamy can be very helpful. I feel "the ethical slut" has a great chapter on jealousy, also morethantwo.com has great articles too. if its what you really want, get educated and bring it back up when you think you can. There are always reasons not to,but it becomes difficult to ignore your own needs.
It might just be me, but ive never felt regret being with my boyfriend sexually because im married to someone else, especially knowing that J knows way lays any guilt. If you feel you have some moral compass to overcome, thats something you can do by researching for your own self discovery. I came to poly by realizing i just wanted more, i love more, i want to be physical more, we dealt with all the baggage as it came
I've done quite a bit of reading off and on over the last 6 months or so. I think I've read just about everything on morethantwo. I'll check out "The Ethical Slut". Do you have any other recommendations? More than anything though, I think for us, talking about it and waiting a while...then coming back to it again has widened the door little by little. For example, one of my best friends is a female who is a co-worker. My wife used to think that she had the hots for me but she doesn't care anymore. She knows that we go to lunch and text and stuff. I suppose 'time' is what's helped somewhat. Two years ago, I would have freaked at the idea of my wife seeing another man or woman. Now, it's not as big of a deal so there are at least mental baby steps. I agree about what you say about ignoring needs though. I just can't explain it but I get these burning desires just thinking about what it would be like to be with another woman. I suppose that's just genetic coding and evolution at work underneath it all.

The personal guilt will just take some time. It’s definitely a tight rope to walk balancing what I want, my own guilt, what my wife thinks, etc. Through it all though, we both realize that humankind should have the option to explore love beyond the shackles of a marriage. I use the work shackles not because I feel trapped married to my wonderful wife, but because it’s a societal norm that is preached to us over our lifetimes.

Last edited by ALpolyman; 09-15-2013 at 01:46 AM.
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Old 09-24-2013, 02:38 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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I've done quite a bit of reading off and on over the last 6 months or so. I think I've read just about everything on morethantwo. I'll check out "The Ethical Slut". Do you have any other recommendations? More than anything though, I think for us, talking about it and waiting a while...then coming back to it again has widened the door little by little. For example, one of my best friends is a female who is a co-worker. My wife used to think that she had the hots for me but she doesn't care anymore. She knows that we go to lunch and text and stuff. I suppose 'time' is what's helped somewhat. Two years ago, I would have freaked at the idea of my wife seeing another man or woman. Now, it's not as big of a deal so there are at least mental baby steps. I agree about what you say about ignoring needs though. I just can't explain it but I get these burning desires just thinking about what it would be like to be with another woman. I suppose that's just genetic coding and evolution at work underneath it all.

The personal guilt will just take some time. It’s definitely a tight rope to walk balancing what I want, my own guilt, what my wife thinks, etc. Through it all though, we both realize that humankind should have the option to explore love beyond the shackles of a marriage. I use the work shackles not because I feel trapped married to my wonderful wife, but because it’s a societal norm that is preached to us over our lifetimes.
My boyfriend is enjoying "Opening Up" thats something you could read together. You seem like you are really doing some thinking and talking and thats great. Ypour coworker story amused me, cause thats how Nudge and I started (still work togehter). lol
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  #18  
Old 09-28-2013, 12:13 PM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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Do you have any other recommendations?
I just finished reading Sex at Dawn - very very fascinating, and it really helps deconstruct the "social ideal" of lifelong monogamy, by showing that pretty much no society has ever actually achieved it in the majority.
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