Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-30-2013, 02:34 AM
Dutchguy78 Dutchguy78 is offline
New Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4
Default Am I headed for disaster or does this have a chance?

I have come from a 13 year monogamous marriage and recently, my wife developed feelings for another man. This resulted in a breakdown of our relationship and my wife moved into a room. In her time living in that room, it has become clear to her that I can fulfill certain aspects of her life really well, but cannot meet certain others. This would be where this other man comes in. They share certain personal interests.

After having suggested earlier that she wants to move back in with me and wants to be roommates because she misses our daughter and wants to be with her, i objected. I still have feelings for her and do not care for sharing only the family and care for our daughter. I need something more substantial than that.

the other man has said to her, that he's okay with her moving back in with me, even if that means us doing stuff together. this apparently got my wife thinking and today she ventured the idea of a poly-amorous relationship to me. She would move back in, we would resume our relationship and get some professional help and she would keep seeing him on the side, while permitting me to see other people.

She told me, she tried choosing for me at first and it didn't work, then she tried choosing for him and it didn't work. Now she wants to try this.

I do see potential for us with a situation like this. There can be many benefits, but I am still jealous. She has agreed not to sleep over until I encounter someone to have something with, so that will definitely help in this transition period. She told me she may or may not want to sleep overin the future, she doesn't know.

Ultimately it appears to be her goal to choose one of us, but definitely doesn't exclude the possibility that she may never be able to choose. Personally, I don't think you can put the genie back in the bottle once it has come out. However, she does not exclude the possibility of choosing to stay with one person and being friends with the other. ultimately, right now, she definitely has feelings for this man and doesn't want to choose.

Obviously, my relation with this other man is fractured. I met him once and it looked like we were going to be friends. Now with all said and done, I don't know anymore. Clearly, if there is going to be competition between us, it will breed fear and jealousy. From that perspective, it may be better that she never chooses at all. I am not sure she intends to stay in a relationship with multiple men and if this is even going to work. She would like to combine the best of him and me in one person, but can't. Are him and me have to mend our relationship if this is going to work?

My carrot in this situation is that she would allow me to also pursue the same and I am tempted, but I have no idea where to start. Are there places where I can meet like minded people in Ottawa to discuss this, or even to hook up?

I know we have issues to sort, but I do love her and am willing to make this work, I am just not sure how. Am I heading for a disaster her and deluding myself this can work, or do we have a chance. We have a great family and one fantastic daughter, so if we can be together, but with redefined parameters, I want to give that a shot.

Thanks for the help.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-30-2013, 02:57 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

All I can say is it is not advisable to pursue someone else solely to have what your wife has, to make things "even" between you. It would be cruel and unfair to the woman you pursue. No one wants to be a trophy in a competition; a person wants to be wanted for who they are and because desire, camaraderie, chemistry, and attraction are the motivators - NOT so you can say, "see, I got one too."

I once dated a man who only dated other women because his wife dated other men, not because his heart was in it. He didn't go out with women he liked and was drawn to, and then wanted to get to to know - he went out with them because she had a boyfriend and he thought it it was "only fair" he get a girlfriend. It felt yucky to know that keeping pace with his wife was the prime reason he was poly and with me. I want to be the reason someone wants to be with me! It ain't a race or a contest! If you get involved with other people, they have feelings, too - it isn't all about you and your wife.

Therapy sounds like a good idea before either of you move forward or make any decisions. Go slowly.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 08-30-2013 at 03:04 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-30-2013, 03:21 AM
Dutchguy78 Dutchguy78 is offline
New Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4

Thank you for your kind words. I have not defined what I would want to get out of this myself. It does affect me in a way to see my wife like this, she seems happier and I don't want to deny her happiness. Also, I have to admit it's a bit of a turn on. She feels more desired now and I am noticing that in a positive way.

I am just trying to find out, if I could also have this. A loving extra relationship with someone else. I am not the kind of person to just screw around, I have been loyal for 13 years. But I need to find out for myself if this is something for me. I will have to attend a group to talk about this. I see there is a meet in Ottawa soon so.....

We have already agreed that she will move back in here and that she will see him a few days a week. I just don't think I am comfortable right now with sleepovers. We have a kid to take care of and I am not sure if I could deal with it, if I was always the one staying at home watching the kid, while she spends time sleeping with him. That's not weird right?
Reply With Quote
Old 08-30-2013, 03:28 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,447

In my view, she made her choice when she moved out on account of meeting someone new. If my partner did something like that, I would feel disposable. I doubt I would be able to trust them with my emotional well-being again.

nyc is 100% correct that getting your own girlfriend won't solve a thing. Not only the way it treats the other person, but it just won't work anyway. Suppose you and the new girlfriend break-up right when your wife and her boyfriend are getting really serious. What then? Will you expect her to drop everything until you're hooked-up again? Or, more likely, will you feel doubly lonely because you not only lost your girlfriend, but your wife is emotionally unavailable too?

Poly works best for most people when each relationship would be capable of standing on its own. While it's true that "a la carte" dating works for some people, most find that a relationship which meets only some of their needs tends to feel fulfilling. I suppose it would help to know what ways she's feeling unfulfilled and whether those are the kinds of things that can really be "substituted" by someone else. e.g., anal sex and going camping can often be substituted; intimacy and compassion usually cannot.

As I see it, the fact that your marriage broke down once over this is telling. She did not go into this thinking "I like this new guy, but my husband and my family are more important than someone I just met."

Fool me once, shame on you.....
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-30-2013, 03:34 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

If I may make an observation, it sounds like the disaster has already happened. The question becomes, are you going to make the disaster permanent or try to rebuild into a new configuration?

The relationship between you and your wife has changed, and it is not going going to return (your genie / bottle analogy) in its previous form. So from the get-go, you already know it is going to be different.

Your choices:

1. Divorce and break up your family.
2. Try to reconfigure so that both of your needs are being met.

While this rather foreign to the mono mindset..., so you weren't fulfilling all of her needs. So what? Doesn't make you an undesirable person; doesn't make you a bad person. There is nothing wrong with you because you don't share all of her interests; and there is nothing wrong with her for appreciating a companion who does.

If at all possible you need to quit viewing this as a competition. And while your post was remarkably objective, if you have moments where you want to lay blame, don't go there. It doesn't help anything.

In the end, if you do try to go down the poly path and it doesn't work for you, you have not lost any more than you will if you don't try.

Welcome to the group. Sorry it is under such stressful circumstances. Do keep coming back. We make a pretty good sounding board.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-30-2013, 03:55 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

We started with a disaster.
It took a lot of work, but we made it haPpen.

Like your wife-i fell in love with another man.
I had an affair. We filed for divorce (just now celebrated 14 yrs married in July).
He was jealous, angry etc (good reasons).
We now all live together.
Lots of drama to get we are. But life is good for all of us now.

Hubby tried the "get a gf so i wont be jealous". It doesnt work. Jealousy has to be dealt with from within. Lots of info aboit it here.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 08-30-2013, 03:56 AM
Dutchguy78 Dutchguy78 is offline
New Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4

Yes indeed, the disaster has already happened. When she first met him and it became obvious that she has a crush on him, she chose me. But due to the drama and my mistrust of her, I sort of drover her out of the house. I found myself checking her emails and Facebook. She got fed up with my paranoia and couldn't handle the constant drama over the course of weeks, that's why she left.

As for the interests she shares with him, no I can't replace those. I am no biologist and she connects with him through biology and what appears to be warm friendship feelings.

I want to rebuild our relationship from this disaster and reconfigure the parameters so that we can both be happy. I can't keep putting up restrictions on her and I can't keep her in a cage. The fact that it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would and that it turns me on a bit if she does give details about the stuff they do, makes me think I may be heading on the same track. I always had in the back of my head that eternal monogamy is folly and unnatural. We both know now.

I also want to be truthful and ethical and genuine if I encounter a wonderful woman and I believe more and more that this may be possible.

Last edited by Dutchguy78; 08-30-2013 at 03:59 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-30-2013, 04:04 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,493

Why not choose for her ? Why does she get to choose.

How old is your kid or kids ?

I'm not sure anyone can judge your mindset or motivation in dating for yourself.

I agree it might not be healthy or respectful to a new partner if your only motivation was to date because your wife is . I think the number of people who do that are small. I see it as more of replacing what was was lost or missing in the current relationship. Also what about simple pleasure of Fun , excitement, freedom ....having needs met, etc.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-30-2013, 04:12 AM
Dutchguy78 Dutchguy78 is offline
New Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4

What do you mean, why not choose for her?

Ourt kid is 7.

Yes and the thing is that nothing is really lost or missing, so that has to be a good thing, there is no motivation to replace anything. She is still attentive and loving, even more so possibly. All there is for me is curiosity. Can I give love to 2 women, can I share that and have warm feelings? Can I have this sort of fun and excitement as well? I know I am a very warm person who has an abundance of love to give and I want to find out.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Why not choose for her ? Why does she get to choose.

How old is your kid or kids ?

I'm not sure anyone can judge your mindset or motivation in dating for yourself.

I agree it might not be healthy or respectful to a new partner if your only motivation was to date because your wife is . I think the number of people who do that are small. I see it as more of replacing what was was lost or missing in the current relationship. Also what about simple pleasure of Fun , excitement, freedom ....having needs met, etc.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-30-2013, 05:10 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

Most people would be a little paranoid after what sounds like an emotional affair. She fell in love with another man, and it caused drama. You did not push her to leave the home. She chose to leave.

Couple of things: she is not "permitting" or "allowing" you to do any thing. You are grown, accountable for your own actions, and you can do whatever you want without someone giving you that okay to do so. Your wife is merely giving her consent.

How long has it been since all of this transpired? I am not sure if you have forgiven your wife or if trust has been rebuilt, but those are other things to consider. You say that you are willing to rebuild the relationship, well, that means ripping off the scabs and being willing to reveal and ultimately let go of all the negative feelings to clean the slate and start fresh.

As far as you and the other man being friends, there is no rule that says you have to. Everyone has different opinions regarding that. At best, be respectful and maybe cordial. Especially if this man will be or has been around your child. Make sure to discuss what role that chap and any future people will play in the life of your child.

As far as dating, personally, I would hold off. Rebuilding a marriage takes work, and it is a constant work in progress. It will test you unlike anything else. So there is nothing wrong with meeting like-minded friends, but a romantic relationship may not be the best of ideas immediately. A lot of people here use OKCupid, and most have had success. From what I have read, they often link their partners/spouses and ID themselves as poly on their profiles. I have no experience with it, so I will let others guide you in the right direction.

Best advice: take it slowly, improve communication, learn how to talk with and not to/at one another, deal with your jealousy (plenty of articles on here about jealousy), try to understand that it is not a competition for her love and affection (Your wife saw something special in you that made her fall in love you and her need for more has nothing to do with you; you could be her idea of perfection, and she would still seek something more; no reflection on you. Continue being that same person she fell in love with), and voice what you need or are uncomfortable with. It is okay to have boundaries. Figure out what they are and work with your wife to find a reasonable, happy-medium. Preferably ones that will satisfy what both parties need.

Seek a poly friendly therapist. We see a psychotherapist who specialises in kink, non-monogamy in all forms, BDSM, and alternative lifestyles. It helped to have someone who was not thinking, "These godawful people are why the sanctity of marriage is royally fucked and on a steady decline."

Good luck, and I wish you well.

Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 07:17 PM.