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  #1  
Old 01-17-2011, 03:23 PM
marymary marymary is offline
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i've just come out of my first attempt at a poly relationship. we met three years ago and when we met we each had f*ck-buddies but nobody we were coupled with. we fell for each other big time. we had lots of ups and downs but always seem to have strong passionate feelings for each other and lots of love. a few times he started seeing other women but each time it either didn't last or just moved into a f*ck-buddy scenario.

i was never jealous of his f*ck-buddies but sometimes when he started to see someone and seemed quite into them (like it was at least a possibility they might couple) i would get very very insecure and upset. often he would have met or gotten together with them at a time when things were rocky between us or i was upset about something. he says himself he is not good at giving reassurances and i have to agree he really is tactless and insensitive sometimes simply through not realising things. i am not brilliant at asking for suport/help either as i have some pride issues about pretending to be ok when i'm not.

at one point, at my suggestion, we had a temporary monogamy month to try and repair some stuff between us. i liked it, he said it was okay but was keen for it to end and immediately started seeing another woman. we tried, at my suggestion, calling each other partners and being primary and i liked it but he said he felt restrained/trapped.

in november i ended things with him whilst feeling very triggered by something he did. i quickly regretted it and begged his forgiveness. in the two weeks we were apart he started seeing someone. he didn't tell me this when i asked to get back together with him but he did say he wanted it to be much more casual between us and less emotionally dependant. i agreed wholeheartedly and said this was a good idea, mostly because i thought it was the only way he would take me back. i knew he was seeing others but just not this one woman. i heard about her because he said her name in his sleep just after we got back together. he said he was going to tell me about her he just hadn't yet and i accepted this.

she is clearly important to him. so is his freedom. i told him i don't want anyone else right now except you, i don't care who you have sex with but i want to be your most important person. he said he couldn't offer that. he said he loves me and is in love with me, he said he doesn't love her, but he is obviously really into her. i want to be a primary with someone, but i can't be secondary not with him. not after what we had. when it was good it was soooo good.

last weekend he told me he had very little spare time to hang out with me during the coming week, but later i found out he'd already set aside more then 24 hours to spend with her this week.

he invited all of his lovers to his house party at the weekend, all at the same time, by text. i couldn't face it so i didn't go but his three lovers did and apparently it all went really well.

would you not give your lover of three years any precedence over new lovers you've only known three or four months? is this behaviour normal in the poly world?
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  #2  
Old 01-17-2011, 04:15 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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You can write the word "fuck" here.

See?

fuck
FUCK
fUcK
fuckety-fuck.

You don't have to put in an *asterisk.

Quote:
she is clearly important to him. so is his freedom. i told him i don't want anyone else right now except you, i don't care who you have sex with but i want to be your most important person. he said he couldn't offer that. he said he loves me and is in love with me, he said he doesn't love her, but he is obviously really into her. i want to be a primary with someone, but i can't be secondary not with him. not after what we had. when it was good it was soooo good.

last weekend he told me he had very little spare time to hang out with me during the coming week, but later i found out he'd already set aside more then 24 hours to spend with her this week.

he invited all of his lovers to his house party at the weekend, all at the same time, by text. i couldn't face it so i didn't go but his three lovers did and apparently it all went really well.

would you not give your lover of three years any precedence over new lovers you've only known three or four months? is this behaviour normal in the poly world?
Have you talked about these things with HIM? Asking advice on this forum will get you the answer "every relationship is different". It certainly does not seem like you ever had expectations of monogamy from one another. Have you discussed with HIM what both of your needs and expectations are from YOUR relationship TOGETHER (not YOUR expectations of HIS other relationships)? Not just mentioning it in passing as situations arise, but purposefully sitting down and having a serious "what are we to each other, where are we going, are our long-term needs and goals compatible when it comes to combining our every-day lives?"

It sounds like you have tried to do this, but that there may be some denial happening on your part (possibly on his part too, but he is not here to tell us what goes on in his head).

Last edited by NeonKaos; 01-17-2011 at 04:20 PM.
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  #3  
Old 01-17-2011, 04:43 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marymary View Post
when i asked to get back together with him ... he did say he wanted it to be much more casual between us and less emotionally dependant. i agreed wholeheartedly and said this was a good idea, mostly because i thought it was the only way he would take me back.
This ... not healthy.
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  #4  
Old 01-17-2011, 11:36 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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It sounds like he is either done with you or has new relationship energy (NRE). In light of the fact that he had a party and invited his other lovers (how many does he have if can make a party out of them?!!!) I would say he wants you to invite this woman into his fold willingly and without emotions other than compersion. Perhaps he has the idea that he would like a harem?

It sounds like he might be frustrated that you would feel anything else but compersion. That is disrespectful and unfair... not to mention uncaring and unloving. It is totally okay to be hurt and need some attention towards your concerns and feelings of neglect/abandonment; whatever it is you feel.

That is just my take on it though, I know some poly circles would not think so as they believe that a person has a right to their freedom and that they can date whomever regardless of any other partners feelings. The belief seems to be that people should have good self esteems and feelings of self worth and should not need help or support working on that... perhaps he is like that? I would think you would know after three years.

I haven't known any relationship to last very long based on the kind of emotional connection and depth that comes with believing that jealousy and any other hard emotions are to be avoided. It seems that you once had a connection and it has faded.
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  #5  
Old 01-19-2011, 05:39 PM
Laylah Laylah is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marymary View Post
i've just come out of my first attempt at a poly relationship. we met three years ago and when we met we each had f*ck-buddies but nobody we were coupled with. we fell for each other big time. we had lots of ups and downs but always seem to have strong passionate feelings for each other and lots of love. a few times he started seeing other women but each time it either didn't last or just moved into a f*ck-buddy scenario.

i was never jealous of his f*ck-buddies but sometimes when he started to see someone and seemed quite into them (like it was at least a possibility they might couple) i would get very very insecure and upset. often he would have met or gotten together with them at a time when things were rocky between us or i was upset about something. he says himself he is not good at giving reassurances and i have to agree he really is tactless and insensitive sometimes simply through not realising things. i am not brilliant at asking for suport/help either as i have some pride issues about pretending to be ok when i'm not.

at one point, at my suggestion, we had a temporary monogamy month to try and repair some stuff between us. i liked it, he said it was okay but was keen for it to end and immediately started seeing another woman. we tried, at my suggestion, calling each other partners and being primary and i liked it but he said he felt restrained/trapped.

in november i ended things with him whilst feeling very triggered by something he did. i quickly regretted it and begged his forgiveness. in the two weeks we were apart he started seeing someone. he didn't tell me this when i asked to get back together with him but he did say he wanted it to be much more casual between us and less emotionally dependant. i agreed wholeheartedly and said this was a good idea, mostly because i thought it was the only way he would take me back. i knew he was seeing others but just not this one woman. i heard about her because he said her name in his sleep just after we got back together. he said he was going to tell me about her he just hadn't yet and i accepted this.

she is clearly important to him. so is his freedom. i told him i don't want anyone else right now except you, i don't care who you have sex with but i want to be your most important person. he said he couldn't offer that. he said he loves me and is in love with me, he said he doesn't love her, but he is obviously really into her. i want to be a primary with someone, but i can't be secondary not with him. not after what we had. when it was good it was soooo good.

last weekend he told me he had very little spare time to hang out with me during the coming week, but later i found out he'd already set aside more then 24 hours to spend with her this week.

he invited all of his lovers to his house party at the weekend, all at the same time, by text. i couldn't face it so i didn't go but his three lovers did and apparently it all went really well.

would you not give your lover of three years any precedence over new lovers you've only known three or four months? is this behaviour normal in the poly world?
three words WHAT THE FUCK?!
sorry just had to say it... sometimes theres no other expression that would do. Seems like he dont want a comitted relationship at ALL.... seems like he just wants to party.

hun...WHEW what a situation your in. In your post he's told you in no less words that he wants a casual thing with you right?... He's shown you by his actions to... right? Then if all thats true and im not just reading it wrong..... sorry to say.. but if it was me I'd get to stepping.

I dont think that poly is this way at all.I do see by your post there is a lack of whats called good old fashioned RESPECT... it doesnt seem he has much respect for you. However, You need to have respect for yourself and tell him how you feel... straight up.

always remember... theres some things thats WORSE than being by yourself for awhile.Also.. it seems he's running from himself to. The fear of comittment sometimes one who acts like that... does those things so they can have the relationship(physical) without the work that comes along with it. Relationships are Hard WORK. thats what alot of folks dont understand. Its not all roses... sometimes theres thorns in there to. But in the end if its right...... the thorns dont matter... and what DOES matter is the beautiful rose you get to enjoy.

I hope things work out for you in any decision you make concerning this. Just dont forget your never by yourself.. Never.There's always someone to talk to.. even if its someone here. I am sure theres lots of folks here that could give alot of insight on your situation. And I Do hope what I said makes sense lol.
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  #6  
Old 01-19-2011, 07:59 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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It seems to me he doesn't want primaries at all. Only secondaries. Whatever the reasons, it might just be how he is, and he was clear to you about that.
You said you were fine with it so he'd have you back, and I would say, at that time he had made his choice: he wanted to be in a secondary relationship with you, or not at all.
I believe you have a choice too: accept a secondary relationship or leave. I don't think he'll ever change his mind, and hoping for the situation to change will hurt both of you.
I don't think he would leave you for the other women, considering he cares a lot about you, but his condition is for your relationship to be less involved and committed. If that doesn't work for you, I would say you need to end it.

If your issue is your insecurities, working on them might help, but I personally don't think you will change either. It's not like either of you is the problem, both your attitudes are fine, you just need to be honest about what you want. It seems to me you need a different kind of relationship than the one he is willing to offer you, and he needs a different kind of relationship than the one you are willing to offer him.

It's not about polyamory in itself, as the level of commitment in a relationship isn't tied to that. He could be with only you and still want to be more casual than you'd care for. And there are many poly relationship that involve the level of commitment you are looking for, either with several primaries (but it doesn't seem like that would work for you) or with just one (which would be your ideal scenario from what I understand).

I suggest you talk to him about that and make a decision (stay with him in the kind of relationship he's offering, or leave) and then stand by it without regret because you'll know it was the best decision to make.
Good luck.
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