not sure what to do

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by redevil

As the wife in this situation..I kinda gotta share a few more details. I spend my days and nights trying to make this ok, to help him find a way to cope with the situation because this was my decision. While I have been open and honest about the situation, I am the one who asked him to accept this and I feel that it is my responsibility to help make it ok for him. The boyfriend in this has also made that commitment.

The biggest issue that we have right now is that all 3 of us are in separate countries with different time zones. He has not asked anything of us, however I have set up times in my day that are reserved for him and him alone. I do not answer the phone, have people over, talk to others online and I try to make sure that our 4 children are occupied during this time so that it is about us and us alone. He feels that I am able to spend more time with the boyfriend because of his time zone and his job, so I have tried to limit that and make the time that we do have together as much about quality as I can. (The hubby and I's time) My frustration comes into how every single conversation we have has to come back to the relationship between myself and the boyfriend. He's not willing to let it go for even a day so that we can talk about just us. Nothing and I mean nothing I say or do can distract him from this topic and it's painful.

You're only two weeks in. It will be exhausting. It's easy to see the pressure put on your hub to change, but people often forget that the hinge (you) in a V can become quite stressed from the constant back and forth that should be happening while you all negotiate boundaries.

Perhaps you can set aside time to be designated as time to discuss your bf with your hub, and that way he can talk, get his feelings out, and then you can have the rest of your available time to talk about you two and things that don't pertain to poly.

It's hard not to get wrapped up in talking all poly, all the time.

[Carma]

QUOTE: "My frustration comes into how every single conversation we have has to come back to the relationship between myself and the boyfriend. He's not willing to let it go for even a day so that we can talk about just us. Nothing and I mean nothing I say or do can distract him from this topic and it's painful." [/QUOTE]

We talk about poly almost all the time. It does get exhausting! It's just that it's new and we are both still pretty flipped out.

Sometimes I have to say, "Let's just be in the PRESENT. In this moment, we are here together and I love you."

Also I've never been big on movies, but we've been escaping together watching movies lately! Temporary reprieve, anyway.

Hang in there!

[Carma]

TP, I guess we're on the same wavelength tonight!

[Monoconfused]

TP I guess I was misleading, we are almost 2 months into this, 2 weeks was how long it took before the relationship became a need for her that was back in Dec. I guess the issue we run into now is that I don't like whats going on. Maybe I don't want to accept it, although I am trying because I can't just let it go. I can't not have her happy. Her happiness is worth my sacrifice but I feel like I am falling apart. I want to make this right but I don't know if I can without crushing myself in the process.

[Indigomontoya]

Thanks for the extra information Redevil, I think you are doing the right thing setting time aside for your husband to the exclusion of all others. From experience this goes a long way; and to think about it, I had to deal with similar issues. I also agree with your feeling it's your responsibility to work to make sure he's ok, within reason since he must express his feelings.

I realized that the reason I wanted to talk about it obsessively was because there were feelings and concerns I wasn't fully expressing or I felt TP wasn't fully understanding. But I did make a conscious effort to just be with her and enjoy my time with her, and perhaps you two need to do that: just force yourselves to ignore the issues so you get quality time without the stress of talking things out and set aside time to discuss. Keep things compartmentalized until things settle.

I can speak first hand to your husband's feelings since I felt I might not be able to handle poly without completely sacrificing my happiness but all I can say is push through.

You're only a little way in and there's a long road ahead but work at it and it can be rewarding.

[redevil]

As he said before..I grew up in a poly family. I know what it takes to make it work and have seen just how great it can be. When my mom passed away, my dad and her boyfriend where together and for months they got each other through the grief. In fact when all this came to a head, it was them that we turned to for advice.

Our biggest obstacle right now, which I think is getting missed in all this is that we are not in the same country. None of us are. We have 3 time zones, 3 countries and 3 continents to deal with and it will be like that for possibly a year. The 3 of us talk regularly via conference chats and the boys talk regularly as well. We have spent many an hour hashing things out and bouncing things off of each other. We even had one this evening because of this thread actually.

The bf and I deal with things in the same way and it's hard for us to see things the way the hubby does. Not because we don't understand them, we both do. We don't understand how he bounces around. One minute we are fine and then 5 minutes later..we aren't. Human nature is what it is and I came into this expecting a long road to acceptance and peace. I wasn't naive to that. But this is a two way street and a little more involvement and a little less letting it roll over and being unhappy about it would be really appreciated.

[Indigomontoya]

Originally Posted by redevil

Our biggest obstacle right now, which I think is getting missed in all this is that we are not in the same country. None of us are. We have 3 time zones, 3 countries and 3 continents to deal with and it will be like that for possibly a year. The 3 of us talk regularly via conference chats and the boys talk regularly as well. We have spent many an hour hashing things out and bouncing things off of each other. We even had one this evening because of this thread actually.

The bf and I deal with things in the same way and it's hard for us to see things the way the hubby does. Not because we don't understand them, we both do. We don't understand how he bounces around. One minute we are fine and then 5 minutes later..we aren't. Human nature is what it is and I came into this expecting a long road to acceptance and peace. I wasn't naive to that. But this is a two way street and a little more involvement and a little less letting it roll over and being unhappy about it would be really appreciated.

I didn't miss the fact that you three are in different countries, continents, and time zones. All the advice that has been offered is sound to your situation, you can set times, communication can be made.

To be honest, you don't need to understand why he bounces around; you must acknowledge that it matters, and address his concerns even if they seem unfounded. Explain to him why they are unfounded and be ready to accept the fact that you may not be able to convince him totally. Because the situation is dealing with deep emotions there are bound to be some moments where emotions swing back and forth. By no right should you expect him to be fine with it all the time; it's emotion, it's neither consistent nor is there rhyme or reason to it, but there are definitely actions or words that trigger them.

By the same token I think your husband must realize that he has to work through the separation as well as his feelings. He has a right to feel the way he does, but you also have a right to not have it all put on you.

The bf and I deal with things in the same way and it's hard for us to see things the way the hubby does. Not because we don't understand them, we both do. We don't understand how he bounces around.

From your language you are really putting an us versus him mindset to this issue and that's truly self destructive. If you want the marriage and the relationship to work it's not about forcing viewpoints but gaining consensus. Also, you use phrases like "he feels that I am able to spend more time.." are you spending more time with the boyfriend? there has to be a catalyst to this feeling, I would seriously doubt that this feeling would develop out of thin air.

Every relationship progresses at a different speed, but that does not mean that you need to drag MC along at the pace you set; and MC must try to move forward to allow for your relationship with the boyfriend to develop.

That being said, You need to be aware that he may need to take things at his own pace. If his feelings demand slowing things down with the boyfriend, backing off time spent to address MCs needs thoroughly, then that is what needs to be done. If you really care about the man that is your husband, and has put the time building the relationship you and he have then you will need to sacrifice some of the relationship with the boyfriend to help the relationship with your husband.

From the way you are speaking you are putting this new relationship on equal footing, and that can, and seems has lead to a lot of hurt. It's a selfish act that is actively hurting your husband.

If you want both relationships to flourish then Redevil you need to stop the us versus him mentality evident in your post and work towards accommodating what MC needs in terms of the pace at which your V is taking shape; and MC you need to communicate your needs honestly and succinctly and start proactively taking steps to push past your own insecurities.

[redpepper]

I think you are doing great redevil. You are doing all you can do. It's really tough to deal with a partners struggles when you are in the thick of NRE. It can be a real downer. Remember this is all new to him though. Don't forget to empathize. It will be a long time before there is comfort in knowing how this all works for him. If ever. Don't lose sight of that...

Asking him to live in the moment and trying to distract him from what is going on is like asking someone to not grieve. Like asking them to suck it up and get on with life when they have lost a love one. That isn't fair. He is grieving the loss of what he knew his relationship to be and the monogamous mindset that he was expecting and assuming from what you have. Let him. Let him and deal with it.

He is dealing with his stuff and your job is to deal with his dealing with his stuff. Everyone has something to deal with when a new relationship starts. That is just how it is. It will pass in time and all will be revealed as to where the cards will land, but for now there will be a whole lot of processing and a whole lot of communicating and getting to adjust to this new dynamic.

You are doing all you can do at this point, just remember to be patient and go at his pace as much as you can.

[Rachelina]

Originally Posted by Monoconfused

I feel like I am losing a part of myself. I am concerned that we are to this point where only one of us can be happy, either she loses him and she is miserable or she has him and I am miserable.

Originally Posted by Monoconfused

Her happiness is worth my sacrifice but I feel like I am falling apart. I want to make this right but I don't know if I can without crushing myself in the process.

Man.....I know exactly how that feels. I can say that I have been in your position and it has gotten better. Two months is not long at all; it took many months for me to even begin to accept it. Hang in there.....

Redevil, it really sounds like he is trying as hard as he can! Such a radical change takes time to accept. If you can show him appreciation for his efforts it may help.

[Laylah]

Originally Posted by Monoconfused

this is my frustration too. I never stop thinking about this. It consumes me. I don't like that she wants someone else. I am making her miserable because I can't let it alone. Its always there staring me in the face.

we are humans... BUT there is an primal side to us to.... To me... you feel as your mate is being toyed with by another male. And what do two male animals do to protect the breeding right... they kick eachothers ass. Now im not saying human's need to do this... but the instinct is still there. Just as it is with two female animals... concerning someone trying to take their babies.
You and her are the main core to the family. if the two of you are not happy... then how in the world would it work if someone else were to come in.

if it makes you this unhappy.. it wont work.

my husband and I both sit down before we ever consider a lady in that way... and talk it out...then after we talk about it.. we bring the lady in and talk about it some more for a good long time. that way.. noone's hit with it all at once. Everybody know's where everybody stands on it all..BEFORE anything is ever done. But thats just how WE roll... everyone is diffrent.