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Old 08-23-2013, 10:04 PM
MonoMale MonoMale is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 13
Default New to this...

Lurked here for the last few months and only recently had reason enough to introduce myself!

My wife (A) and I have been together for 11 years, but married for 7. We have three kids aged 8, 11 and soon to be 16 - hectic house! I'm 31 and my wife is 36.

In the last few months, we have discussed opening our marriage up. Both of us have done our best to look at as many potential problems as possible and even reiterated that neither of us wants to split up, divorce, etc. We do love and value each other too much to want to lose what we have!

As you can guess from my username, I'm the monogamous one in the marriage and my wife has just recently got involved with a 24 year old guy (S). I'm probably one of those rare examples of people who've only ever loved or slept with the one person - literally. My wife was married before me and had also had a couple of relationships before then too. Our marriage is the longest relationship she's ever had though.

What she's told me she wants is to stay married to me, but also wants to see S occasionally. Something extra and a friend with benefits type arrangement. I should mention she had sex with S for the first time a couple of days ago with my knowledge. The various threads I've read here has helped me deal with this situation better than I probably would have. I also have "Opening Up".

We're at the point where we've realised that boundaries need to be better established due to S's lack of communication skills. My wife has always had great communication skills while I've had to sharpen mine!

I guess this is to say "Hi!" and there's a few things we will likely pick your brains over!

We are also in the UK! I know a lot of members here are from North America.
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Old 08-23-2013, 11:57 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,943

Greetings MonoMale,
Welcome to our forum.

We should be able to help you with any questions or concerns you may have. It's good that you've been working on communication; communication is arguably the most crucial skill in successfully polyamory.

I suppose most of our members are in the US, but quite a few are in Canada and you might be surprised how many are in the UK. No matter where you are, you're among friends here and should be able to make yourself at home.

Best regards to you in your poly journey,
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 08-27-2013, 09:30 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 838

Hi Monomale, I am in the UK, feel free to contact me if you want a culturally similar chat!
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Old 08-27-2013, 12:24 PM
MonoMale MonoMale is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 13

Thanks for the welcome!

Already I'm finding some things a challenge and not really a problem with non-monogamy per se. I'm actually fine with the sex part, but the more emotional based side is like a scary minefield to ME! Definitely one to read on it all and quite another to live it!

My wife is comfortable herself and no longer stresses about it as before. She worries about me and has tried to help me, but its more at the point now where she's right that I have to deal with my demons myself. Only so much she can do.

She's handling it all much better than I or S are. Maybe women are better at soul searching and communicating emotions?? I think so.

Natja, I will message you, so thanks for that.
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Old 08-27-2013, 04:58 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,448

Originally Posted by MonoMale View Post
She's handling it all much better than I or S are. Maybe women are better at soul searching and communicating emotions?? I think so.
Or, you might just have yourself a really special lady Also, as the hinge in the vee, she probably has fewer "negative feelings" to cope with than you or S. Just my guess.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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