Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-23-2013, 12:55 AM
oneofmany oneofmany is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 23
Question Changes in the relationship status and anxiety

We have been fully functioning as a live in v with myself being the hinge between Blue and M. M and I have been married 15 years but this may come to change. M has found a new gf who is requesting a closed monogamous relationship between her and M. M and I have discussed this and I have agreed that if this is what will make him happy, I will allow this to take its course. I still have feelings for M but at this time we will put our sex life on hold until he decides what he wants.

Blue has recently taken a new job and works four nights a week M-TH from 6pm - 4:30am. M is working W - Sun from 7am - 3:30pm days. This allows Blue and I to be home alone during the day and most nights I am home alone until M comes home for bed.

Blue and I have moved into our own bedroom and are currently adjusting to the new schedule.

M is uncertain if he is willing to be in a monogamous relationship, as our marriage has seen many changes and monogamy has not been one of his first choices. He has had two affairs early in our marriage and later we were involved in swinging and this is where we first met Blue.

I am anxiety when having to spend any alone time with M. As it seems, he is always depressed and I am having trouble finding my place in his life. As of now, Blue and I are just sharing the house with M.

Any advice or suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
__________________
----------------------------------------------------------
Our roles
Me (OneofMany) - Poly F, 44, the hinge in our v.
M - my husband of 15 years, met 30 years ago
Blue - my bf - living with us since 1/2012
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-23-2013, 03:55 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 540
Default

Welcome- I read your other posts and I would suggest that you start a blog here! There is a blog section for that! Btw- We call his girlfriend a cowgirl. Have you heard the term yet? How long have they been seeing each other? Sounds like you are handling it well. Giving him the space to decide is probably best. Keep us posted!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-24-2013, 06:09 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 344
Default

If you are married to M, figure our where you and M stand and what you both want. I'm getting the impression maybe you guys don't want to be married anymore?
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-24-2013, 06:37 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 849
Default

What are you and your husband holding on to exactly? I do not mean to be harsh, but it sounds like the marriage is as good as done. Do you two happen to have children and they are the reason you two are trying to stay together? If my DH came to me and said, "Hey. My new girlfriend wants me to be mono with her, and I am not sure where that leaves you or even us," we would have nothing to talk about. Divorce would be the only option. I am no one's option or point of settling. The new girlfriend is a cowgirl as Idealist pointed out. I am usually not an advocate for ending relationships prematurely, but it sounds like the marriage has ran its course as you have moved out of the bedroom and have another relationship.

Could your source of anxiety be stemming from the fact that your role in his life is not quite as clear as it once was? Could it be stemming from the uncertainty of your future? Anxiety has many different sources and triggers. I am not sure how you can narrow it down. Do you have any idea why he is or has been depressed? Is he seeking help for that? Is it possible for you and your husband to work on being friends and learning to communicate with one another without expectations?
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-24-2013, 11:30 PM
oneofmany oneofmany is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 23
Default

I want to thank everyone for the advice.

I am definitely uncertain of what my role is in his life anymore. We have discussed the possibility of ending the relationship but he is hard set against this and suggested that Blue and I remain in the house as possible room mates. This is quite a shock considering less than a month ago he was adamant that the v remain closed.

I will look into starting a blog as this may be away to sort through my thoughts and feelings.

Once again thank you all.
__________________
----------------------------------------------------------
Our roles
Me (OneofMany) - Poly F, 44, the hinge in our v.
M - my husband of 15 years, met 30 years ago
Blue - my bf - living with us since 1/2012
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-24-2013, 11:42 PM
alibabe_muse's Avatar
alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 334
Default just curious on unknown things

I went and read back through your posts. After Blue moved in and you became intimate all 3 of you then moved back into the bedroom with M. How long ago did that cease? Was it when M met this girl?

In regards to the early years and M having a few affairs, how long after that did you starting swinging? Once you started co-habitating did discussions continue or sort of go on the back burner? How long ago did m decide to start dating outside the V?
__________________
My poly groups:

the muse (me) - 40's F poly
bassman - 40's M, poly, husband, seeing wild orchid
Sir - 40's M, my Dom, ldr - has many minions
wild orchid - 40's F poly, married to dude seeing bassman
dude - 40's M hub to wild orchid seeing messa
messa - mono, 30's F seeing dude
MY BLOG
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-25-2013, 03:08 AM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 114
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by oneofmany View Post
I want to thank everyone for the advice.

I am definitely uncertain of what my role is in his life anymore. We have discussed the possibility of ending the relationship but he is hard set against this and suggested that Blue and I remain in the house as possible room mates. This is quite a shock considering less than a month ago he was adamant that the v remain closed.

I will look into starting a blog as this may be away to sort through my thoughts and feelings.

Once again thank you all.
Before you go into one direction or another - What happened between now and four months ago when you 'couldn't imagine not having either in your life'?

There are some major holes in your story, and your husband getting a girlfriend doesn't add up to a divorce. What's really been going on?

Splitting up seems all too easy, by how you're narrating. That's not making sense.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-25-2013, 06:02 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

I can't see the gf as a cowgirl, she is a monogamous woman who wants a monogamous relationship. If anyone is setting out to wreck an existing relationship, it's the husband, who has purposely started a relationship with someone who wants to be exclusive with him despite the fact he is already married.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-25-2013, 03:28 PM
oneofmany oneofmany is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 23
Default

My feelings over the past four months have not changed as far as wanting both legs of our v. M appears to be dealing with some major issues that he is not willing to discuss at this time. It is almost as if he has made a complete turn around in a very short time with no explanation. This year has been very emotional for us all with M's parents having major health issues including a heart attack and progression with dementia. I am at a loss as to what has happened - no major arguments, no problems within the v (and yes, I ask frequently to make sure he is still getting his needs met). M has just made some drastic changes and no one is aware of why.

The V had been closed at M's request and Blue and I were not aware of the new gf until recently. It has been quite an emotional rollercoaster with M the past few weeks.
__________________
----------------------------------------------------------
Our roles
Me (OneofMany) - Poly F, 44, the hinge in our v.
M - my husband of 15 years, met 30 years ago
Blue - my bf - living with us since 1/2012
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-25-2013, 03:47 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 610
Default

Sometimes when one is facing the loss of a parent - and dementia certainly qualifies, despite the fact that the person is still living - it causes one to face his own mortality, which can change behavior. So you and Blue may not have had anything to do with what is going on with M.

I realize that is not helpful in regard to solving the issue, but perhaps it will give additional context.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:01 PM.