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  #1  
Old 08-26-2013, 07:22 PM
Amnati Amnati is offline
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Default Routine changing and developing anxiety issues

Hi again,

I hate to use this as a dumping ground, but that always seems to be the case when you need help the most.

So I have been adjusting over the past several weeks and while I haven't been super happy, I've been feeling mostly myself. Well, then some changes happen. First we were planning on spending a week by ourselves without the little man. We were planning our Virgin trip to burning Man. That fell through, then because of that we couldn't justify or plans for childcare that week.
So now we have all this time on our hands. No, my wife decides she needs to change her sleep schedule to getting up at 4:30 am to exercise and going to bed at 8pm. Then she adds going to work in the evenings when I get back. So, I get maybe half an hour at night to see her now. I can't go exercise with her in the morning because of our little guy (the gym doesn't offer childcare until 8am). To top things off she decides that we each need our own sheets to sleep in and that she doesn't want to be touched while sleeping. This is a new development that she is bringing in from her boyfriend. So the one thing I crave is touch. She has admitted that she can't give it to me. Growing up her family was very hands off and I think she gets all the touching she needs from her boyfriend. I have no one else, she knows this and still can't accommodate. With this new sleeping arrangement I can't cuddle with her at night and we have no overlapping time throughout the course of the week.
I know this may sound like whining, but I had my first anxiety attack on Sunday when she was at work with her expanded hours. I don't know what to do, I'm scared about the next time I'm alone taking care of my son and I don't know how to communicate it with her. The last several times I tried communicating without talking it out I've put my foot in my mouth and driven her away a bit. I can't let that happen again.
I feel like I have been giving so much to let her poly relationship work and I have been getting nothing back except to be her punching bag when something upsets get. I've been feeling unappreciated, a bit used, and now developing some sort of neurosis.

Sorry for the vent.
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  #2  
Old 08-26-2013, 08:45 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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wow...im sorry youre going through this. it sounds like you and your wife really really need to talk, sounds like you need to express your needs and try to have them met. figure out where each person is coming from and go from there. I know having some time as the two of us is crucial to spouse and I, even if some weeks it ends up i see BF more than planned, or we both have lots of plans, we try to not spend more than two nights apart though sometimes it goes to three.
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  #3  
Old 08-26-2013, 08:59 PM
Amnati Amnati is offline
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A little history might help. Both my wife and I are in school. She is finishing her undergrad and I'm trying to survive my masters program. The started poly rather suddenly at the end of May when she fell head over heels for this guy and has been spending at least one night a week at his place (he is about an hour away). We also have a four year old to make things even more interesting. We can't afford a baby sitter and he is not going to daycare through the summer. For me there doesn't appear to be any potential lovers down the road unless okcupid pans out (nothing but disappointment so far).
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Old 08-26-2013, 09:09 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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A quick scan of your other threads ...is it possible your wife is telling you without telling you she really doesnt want to be married to you anymore.


It sounds like you've had continual issues since the start... All your concerns issues have been blown off and or further aggravated by new behaviors... the touch/ cuddle thing ...the new work schedule.

The expression Dude she's not that into you ring a bell ? Maybe you need to sit her down and discuss deal breakers...or at least the concept of deal breaking
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  #5  
Old 08-26-2013, 11:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you are upset. You seem disappointed that your previous plans together fell through. You also seem disappointed that since you have time open she's doing solo activities rather than planning something else you could do together to take place of the Burning Man trip.

I could be wrong... but before you seemed to want to try a "hands off" approach. I do not know if you told her this is what you were trying to do at the time or if she perceived it as you growing cold and detaching.

Now that some time has passed, that approach doesn't seem to have serve you well.

Quote:
The last several times I tried communicating without talking it out I've put my foot in my mouth and driven her away a bit. I can't let that happen again.
What does that mean? Communicating without talking it out? Do you mean you wrote her a letter rather than oral conversation?

What behavior does she do when you "drive her away again" that you are fearful to experience again? The cold shoulder? Not speaking to you? What?

At this point in time, you seem to be bothered that she's doing some separate things -- and not sure if that means SHE is growing cool/detaching toward you.

I said similar before in response, but I'll say it again... You could not shy away from having hard conversation. Could lean INTO it and actually ask what needs asking.

Sometimes taking action can alleviate anxiety. Learning how to do solid conflict resolution is a skill -- and you won't get better at it if you do not practice it. If you feel overwhelmed, you could always ask to stop and continue again some other time. Take a time out. Usually emotional flooding passes in about 20 min -- could take a walk to clear you head. Nobody says you have to cover it all in one go!

You could ask her...
Could you be willing to set a night to talk about various things? How about ____? Does that work for you? Here's a list of things I want to talk about so you are not put on the spot.
  • I am experiencing anxiety attacks and I'm worried about having one when I'm alone with son. Could you be willing to talk about how to help me reduce my anxiety?
  • Could you be willing to spend time with me? NOT as co-parents, NOT as a married couple doing house chores. But as friends and lovers. Because that seems to be lacking and I miss you. I'm asking you out. (It may feel weird to have to ask her out again after being married, but her time is no longer automatically just yours. So ask her out.)
  • Could you be willing to meet my need for touch? I miss your touch.
  • Could you be willing to read poly hell with me and talk about how to address those points? Because right now I feel (list the ones you feel) and I'd like to feel better while still giving you time/space to cultivate your other relationship.
  • Could you be willing to read about jealousy and do the page 5&6 things so I can adjust better to polyshipping?
  • Could you be willing to meet some of my other unmet needs? I need... and then list the needs in need language and suggest HOW to have them met. For instance, if you have the need for companionship, could she be willing to move her gym time to 8 AM so you can come with her to workout and the kid can be in daycare?
  • Could you be willing to talk to me about how I can better meet YOUR needs? And if I cannot meet them any more and you are slowly losing interest in participating in a relationship with me and being present -- could we talk about how to best break up so all parties (me, you, son) can navigate that in a healthy way?
Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-27-2013 at 04:54 AM.
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  #6  
Old 08-26-2013, 11:50 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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GG says some great stuff, I second what she's said to you. My husband is also in grad school and and we have three small kids, I know how tough time is but time as partners (not just parents) is still really important.
Okc is tough, spouse has been on it for a while and nothing's panned out so far though he has a date this thurs. it happens, hang in there
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Old 08-27-2013, 02:53 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I must have missed something ....The assumption is he hasn't been expressing his displeasure with all the things listed in all his threads. It also seems impossible that she wants to embark on a poly relationship while being married ( and wanting to stay married ) and not listen to said issues and concerns ...real or imagined. And after listening to said issues and concerns she might curb certain stressing behaviors ....maybe just maybe check in and ask how he doing ...communication being the key. But oddly it seems like she's doing the exact opposite. Creating more distance between them. So either you are to stoic and shy to talk with your wife and youre a great actor to cover your moods or she hears and sees you and doesn't care. Right now the panel seems split. I assume at the very least she can read your moods. I also assume anyone who has agreed to go down this path has enough communication skills to voice problems and issues.

Last edited by dingedheart; 08-27-2013 at 07:16 AM.
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  #8  
Old 08-27-2013, 05:17 AM
Amnati Amnati is offline
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I have been working very hard on the communications side of things. However, in the past it has always been me dealing with her problems not the other way around. Today she told me that she can definitely see my pain and can almost feel it. However she had always backed away from painful situations in the past as a survival mechanism. So she doesn't know what to do and my pain causing her pain makes her annoyed with me. To the point where she can't help me and leaves me to deal with things on my own. I've mentioned some things to help start easing my pain, such as a hug to raise dopamine levels. But when she is annoyed with me she can't do that.
To add insult to injury she had been focusing on her job and internship, which is good on the career side, but she admitted that it distracts her from thinking about relationship problems. Then she goes and gets her NRE fix with her boyfriend while I get little guy duty (meaning I have no car either during that time)and then the week starts over again.
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  #9  
Old 08-27-2013, 06:54 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Warning: this post is not sugar coated. There's enough of that going around. You need a reality check.

What I see is that you're relying on your wife to be your one and only support. That's problematic enough when the person is emotionally strong and naturally supportive.

Your wife does not have the emotional or psychological tools required to help you through this situation. Assuming you're determined to stay in this marriage, that means the onus is squarely on you to find someone else who can help you get through this. That might be a good friend, a family member, or a therapist.

If you're having panic attacks, then you need professional help. That's beyond the scope of even the most loving and supportive spouse. Most universities offer some kind of free counselling for their students. Look into it.

Forget about dating right now. You're a trainwreck and the last thing you need is to add more complication into the mix. You're at a place where you're expecting other people to take care of you. Take care of yourself.

At this point, you need to stop thinking of your wife as a critical component in your support network. Of course, she "should" be supportive and compassionate and all that idealistic stuff. But if she was going to work on that, she'd be doing it by now. Clearly, she has no intention of picking up the pieces of the mess she's creating. You have to react to reality, not fantasy.

Yes, she initiated this whole poly thing. Yes, that should mean that she ought to go above and beyond to make it work for you and your family. But obviously that ain't happening. We can all sit here and sing until we're blue in the face about what she should be doing and how she's failing you as a spouse. But none of that is going to change her behaviour. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can begin taking care of your own self and stop expecting her to take care of you.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 08-27-2013 at 06:58 AM.
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  #10  
Old 08-27-2013, 12:49 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amnati View Post
I have been working very hard on the communications side of things. However, in the past it has always been me dealing with her problems not the other way around. Today she told me that she can definitely see my pain and can almost feel it. However she had always backed away from painful situations in the past as a survival mechanism. So she doesn't know what to do and my pain causing her pain makes her annoyed with me. To the point where she can't help me and leaves me to deal with things on my own. I've mentioned some things to help start easing my pain.
My apologies, but this is just so selfish of her. I am aghast.

I have run into this attitude before in a totally different situation. My grandfather suffered a compression fracture and had to be put into nursing home care while he recovered. One of my cousins says to me: "Yeah, I hate to go see him. He's just so miserable, it hurts me."

Holy fuck! How do you think it must feel to him, you self-centered bitch? This is what I wanted to say but didn't. My cousin wouldn't have understood. Self-centered people never do.

I used this to show you exactly what your wife's attitude is actually saying. This is not just about the relationship between the two of you. This is who she is.
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