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  #81  
Old 03-10-2014, 01:53 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I don't think the massage was an offer made in kindness. I think it was made to manipulate your feelings so she can still keep her status quo.
That's an interesting point. Always makes one wonder intentions of others. And not knowing the conversation before the "offer" doesn't help either.

It just surprises me that a poly couple, wild orchid & the hunter, of over 15 years poly are having "issues". There's a trigger over there that I'm unaware of which is causing the hunter to have a problem with bassman and wild orchids relationship. The hunter is seeing a therapist now and on top of that stated over drinks with bassman and I he's polyfidelous. Which thinking about that a week later has me curious how that technically can be cuz I'm not in a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone in their V's except bassman and when I find another, nor will that individual.
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  #82  
Old 03-10-2014, 07:00 PM
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Boy how many threads are there in this forum re. challenges in dividing your time equally and fairly? After almost 2 years I completely understand those challenges. Now that I honestly feel that my SO + OSO are equals in my heart, this has become a big challenge.

I completely subscribe to the notion of "quality time". My wife and I have certain agreements regarding that. If we are with our OSO's, texting between the wife and I is limited. In fact, I tell my OSO what I am saying so that she doesn't feel uncomfortable. She does the same with me and we all find it works very well (no feels left out). Also, when my wife and I are in bed for the night we keep communication limited, esp. if there are issues between us. Sometimes we forget... just last week my wife and I spent an hour dealing with a "communication" problem between us, we were both pretty upset but resolved it the best we could. As soon as we both crawled into bed she started texting her OSO. I lost it!! :-) I know she was not doing anything malicious but the timing was horrible and I was extra sensitive.

One last comment... I cannot understand why many people (poly or mono) use the threat of divorce to solve problems but have no intention in following through with it. It's like waving a gun in someone's face screaming "don't make me shoot" when you know full well there are no bullets.

~S
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  #83  
Old 03-10-2014, 09:23 PM
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One last comment... I cannot understand why many people (poly or mono) use the threat of divorce to solve problems but have no intention in following through with it. It's like waving a gun in someone's face screaming "don't make me shoot" when you know full well there are no bullets.

~S
For me, it wasn't a threat, but truly where I am at in our relationship if interactions don't change. And he knows it's serious. Was he hurt by telling him that, yes. I wouldn't throw that out there unless it's where my head is. And as I said it wasn't an "ultimatum" between one relationship or another, only where our relationship seems to be dwindling to.

I won't be using the term again...we have to July for behaviors (each of us) to change. If not, then we'll figure out where we go from there. And July is quite a time frame for improvement for both of us.
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  #84  
Old 03-10-2014, 09:53 PM
Squashking Squashking is offline
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Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
I won't be using the term again...we have to July for behaviors (each of us) to change. If not, then we'll figure out where we go from there. And July is quite a time frame for improvement for both of us.
It's great that you are both willing to try work on it. My (18 yr) marriage has COMPLETELY changed in the past 2 years. It is far more complicated and requires much more understanding and patience. But we have allowed each other to enter into a new world full of love, hope and fulfilment. It has challenged both of us, uncovering our beautiful and ugly sides. But it is that old love that gets us through the tough times when they arise.

Good luck alibabe!
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  #85  
Old 03-24-2014, 08:18 PM
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After reading some posts lately, you know, the ones about it not being fair the boyfriend cancelled the date due to an emergency at home or that a trauma like trigger has caused the wife to need her "primary" partner.

When I lost compersion, it was exactly this. We had a major crisis happen, our van died, no second vehicle and I was freaking out. My husband did not stay home with me. He went for his overnight with his girlfriend.

I was a complete basket case. Now don't get this wrong, without the help of his girlfriend we had a vehicle to use for a few days, but renting a car until we figured it out was still an option. Rather than resolving the vehicle issue that day or the next, it got put off, but for me, I was stressing and freaking out, and on my own to try to think through the possibilities and options. Can't get financed so I felt way too overwhelmed (also had thyroid surgery 10 days prior).

Looking back, had husband made a decision to stay home with me that night. Discuss our options and what we could do or not do to fix it, I really feel, at least for me, the struggles I have right now would not be so intense or even there. It was a definite slap in my face. And it's caused me to not trust him.

And building that back, that's hard to do. It's why I tell him we're broken. It wasn't a "he should read my mind and know I'm upset", it was "i'm frickin freaking out, very obviously, and off you go on your merry way". And that's the burn that rubs me the most.

A big sigh of relief. Now I've pinned it down. It's just too bad I didn't figure this out earlier than today when it's too late to say "hey...remember when...yeah that's when my compersion died". We've made an agreement to not bring up things from the past.

Well I'm home today cuz pnutt has had pink eye and although I've had medicine for it in the house I never took him into the doctor so no note or prescription in his name to get back to school today. But I do go into work at 4 and will work late. But the relaxation I've had and the loving I'm getting from pnutt and princess has been well worth getting to work 13-14 hour days for the next 6 days.
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  #86  
Old 03-25-2014, 12:02 PM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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It's a positive step that you now know where it started. I've read a lot of those posts. The truth is, I don't see how anyone can justify leaving someone they love in a crisis so they can have romantic time. It doesn't matter whether a partner is primary or secondary or tertiary, if they need you, you should be there for them unless something even more urgent is going on. I told Leo a long time ago that if his girlfriend needs him for an emergency, I expect him to go help her, but if I need him I expect him to be there for me. That's just not that hard to understand, is it? When you share finances, property, and children with someone, those things potentially increase the probability of a crisis just by being higher in quantity, but it doesn't make the crisis less important.

I wish you the very best in working through things and coming back to a point of trust and compersion. I understand how that feeling that just being with someone else was somehow more important than your immediate problem. Hugs!
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  #87  
Old 04-03-2014, 08:20 PM
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Sometimes bassman can say things that make me feel like I might be a hypocrite. This week, I have had a few messages from a couple of cuties I'd like to meet. I am still working 6-7 days a week and my last "date" or more fwb sex was back in February. One of the guys...well I'd say if he's for real, he could have me hooked on him pretty quick and the other, well is punk rock and just interesting to me.

So the hooker guy...can't meet me on Friday and may be able to Saturday. I really wanted to Friday but...and I wanted the hooker guy (lol he is no prostitute so I may change my "name" for him after I actually do meet him) to say Yes on Friday and just forget about punk rock boy. But I don't want to pass up punk rock boy in case there is a connection, cuz I don't know until I'm face to face with anyone if there's a "connection".

Back to bassman...he asks this morning "you are going to have a date with punk rock guy and then the other one on Saturday"?

I responded, I have no clue yet.

Him: Well I'd like 24 hour notice.

Me: I'll have it figured out tonight". I figured if I don't plan on meeting until 8 pm, than having it figured out by 7 pm tonight should be within that 24 hour notice time frame.

Now...bass man is making me perceive "guilt" cuz going on a date with 2 different guys 2 nights in a row seems like, I think to him, like I'm taking advantage of the weekend. Hell no it's not. I've sat here for months, kinda twiddling my thumbs...thinking maybe I'm mono and to just accept I'll never meet any one.

Now this morning in our sleep, bassman asks if we can stop being polyamorous. I'm getting signs from him...the hooker guy...how I like him just from the texting interactions we've had...that bassman is feeling insecure and a bit jealous. He say's he isn't but words like that don't get spoken unless there's an insecurity.

Now...this 24 hour notice bit. Well I was so pissed last Friday morning when I found out I was lied to. Thursday night, Princess tells me Wild Orchid gave her the coloring book. I ask bassman "was wild orchid here today". He says "no, that book was from princess' birthday, a gift from my mom, don't you remember". But then...more little things, tell tale signs, said someone was over that day.

Next morning, Friday, I can't find Princess' lunch bag. Pnutt tells me it's in the back of wild orchid's car. So 2 and 2 come together in my mind and I am royally frickin p'od. No time for more details...but the point I'm making to myself is....

bassman has some double standards for me. It's ok for wild orchid to just drop by when ever she wants...but I have to give notice if I'm going to meet someone before I even know if I have a date. Argh...he makes poly difficult! ok vent over...back to work...and have a good weekend!
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  #88  
Old 04-10-2014, 06:30 AM
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I met Hook on Sunday. Oh my! Every time I looked into his eyes, at him, I felt like I've known him, sometime from my past, years ago. Not possible.

Hook, very tall, dark and ruggedly handsome. As soon as we met, we kissed. He kissed me deeply, passionately. Our first meeting was a park in town. He lives across the state line but at least he's only 10-15 minutes away.

I haven't stopped smiling since he contacted me on Pof. I decided last July to be on there too, although limiting, I thought it is possible one I might connect with is there but not Okc.

Hook works lots and right now can see me once a week, weekends. I know i'd like more, down the road. For now, going slow is best cause I know I'm already on the precipice of NRE and I really just want to enjoy getting to know Hook more.

And we did fool around in his car. Definitely a huge physical attraction, chemistry between us...almost overwhelming. And....I'm discovering a new aspect of myself, the men, although minute, I connect with not just on a physical level, but intellectually (wonder boy) are around my age, go figure?

Yeah tax season is almost over! No more weekends for awhile. More opportunities to get back to the gym, enjoying the gorgeous spring weather. Just more time for myself.

I've completely gone through a 360 now there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Quality time issues are resolving between bassman and I. Just plain understanding the root of a fear, discussing it to now, roles are reversing again. I love and am so happy bassman is opening up to me. He's happy I've connected with Hook, yet has some fears of one day Hook pulling a cowboy.

I thanked bassman for his honesty, for getting "it" (insecurity, fear of abandonment) out there in the open.honestly his fears are just that. I really like Hook and would like for that relationship to grow in whatever path its meant to while still being committed and in love with bassman.

Here's to possibilities and having fun in a poly world.
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  #89  
Old 04-12-2014, 03:09 AM
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Wonderful development you have their muse! Sounds like you hooked up with a black guy!
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  #90  
Old 04-13-2014, 04:32 PM
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Wonderful development you have their muse! Sounds like you hooked up with a black guy!
No he's a white "tree hugger" as he calls himself.
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