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  #71  
Old 01-29-2014, 07:50 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Default Didn't know where to post this

I'm working on a client's return and the street this person lived on some years ago is called POLY PLACE. Just thought I'd share. Reminds me to post this to the Poly Plus group on FB, a poly unit there was discussing changes in their relationship and wanting to move into an area that is poly friendly, only problem is this street and this fb user are across the country from each other.

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  #72  
Old 02-02-2014, 08:57 PM
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I've been such a drama queen lately and I can't stand it. My most recent trigger...again health issues. Last Saturday morning my left ear drum ruptured. Intense pain, went to Urgent Care, prescribed antibiotics, bought a heating pad and the draining cleared up a bit but not enough to allow me full use of my ear. I've been "off" with my equilibrium, sometimes I'm hearing things amplified, then muffled to just continue. Friday comes and I have 3 pills left. Had an appointment already schedule for my bi-annual std check up so the ear infection is still there and "angry" (why do doctors use that term....I guess I need to see what it looks like to know what "angry" is). So I'm now on a 7 day strong antibiotic. Friday night, felt like it was changing but I'm here on Sunday and it's still muffled. As far as the tear from the rupture, it's tiny so should heal on it's own. I just wish I'd be "healthy" again. Ever since my surgery I've not been me. Is this charma's punishment for not having cancer? Yeah that's a dooms day view but I just don't get what's up with me, physically. Dec 5th surgery, Dec 25th the flu Jan 10th diagnosed with hypothryroidism (just awesome, not), colds that come and go because princess is in daycare and until this weekend hasn't been cough/runny nose free since October, and now this stupid ear thing.

And I realize I need to give myself a break. I mean overall I feel great physically aside from these minor illnesses and with being put on thyroid medicine, my energy is coming back, maybe more than before removal of part of my thyroid but I guess it's also the knowledge after all of this physical stuff, I have started tax season work hours...how does one get healthy if they're working 60-70 hours a week? Yes sleep which I don't get enough of.

Now to me being a drama queen. I actually started feeling compersion, no I always feel compersion when bassman is staying overnight with wild orchid. I get a benefit of me time (not too much since it comes when kids get to sleep, but it's more than i've had in many many years) because I've struggled these last few years before poly on having independence while being married. I still struggle. I love my husband but I hate the concept I'm bound by a license. No I am not saying I want to end my relationship with him, gawd I love him to pieces and still see ourselves old together, laughing at the antics of great grandchildren, but I think on this practical level, the binding of finances, responsibilities makes me feel bogged down (maybe i'm rambling now). I also realize for tax purposes if we weren't married we'd come out ahead and not owe so much money to the IRS. {When two people live together, aren't married, with children, one can file a single and the other as head of household. What this does is give them a higher standard deduction versus married - if they are paying a mortgage etc much better to not be married - and by not being married, guess what? Your income is in a lower tax bracket as it's not combined with your partner/husband/wife/etc. Do you know what DOMA repeal of marriage being between a man and woman did? It allowed the LBGT community think they got an awesome benefit (for medical/death purposes yes it did) but not for taxes. So these couples will now file jointly as a married couple and get screwed by getting kicked into a higher income tax bracket. I digress....

But Monday night bassman sent me a text telling me he'd text me before bed or sooner (remember all i ask is a text he made it there and a text he's coming home the next day). 3 am rolls around and nothing (no i was fast asleep, not waiting for the text, but woke cuz a guy sent me a few texts). I started feeling envy, jealousy, second best...blah blah blah. It's not that I'm in competition with wild orchid at all, but i know he texts her while he's with me, constantly, he texts her goodnights when ever he's with me, he talks with her daily even when with me, so I had enough. Yes NRE blah, blah, blah. The point I have is when they are together, they are together without any interruption from me. I have had to contact him in the morning after his overnight a few times for finance reasons or kid stuff, but not my drama (until this week due to the expectation he set up). I've now asked he no longer contacts me when he's with her aside from the "i made it" text. I like this boundary...but he never respects it. I want bassman's in person time with wild orchid to be about them and not him feeling whatever he feels to contact me. He needs to be focused on her.

Is it wrong I'm bothered by him being in constant contact with her when bassman's with me or suppose to be interacting with our kids? I don't think so but apparently that's controlling behavior so then I'm like "fuck it all, no more boundaries, i don't care anymore, call her/text her all you want when I'm around". I realize he talks to her every morning on the phone, every afternoon after work and even in the evening when I'm right there. It's made me feel like we're broken.

And I only feel broken because he's refused to deal with us when I get home from work. Giving me an excuse he needs to reconnect with me rather than talk, or just avoiding it all together. Then when we do "talk" its never in person but always via text. Really? Like Friday night he had issues with me. I said I was willing to discuss (I was out getting groceries) and instead of in person, it's all via text. Really, again?

And on top of all of this, when I'm having issues, the hunter is having them too. Which doesn't help me, I'm realizing, but actually makes me get bothered by them more. I've discovered or maybe I feel or I know, that I need to put my guard back up. What ever problem i have, sometimes get used to help another with their issues. AND I DON'T LIKE THAT WHEN VERY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE MANIPULATE OTHERS TO GET THEIR WAY in this poly world. I get enough of that from princess, pnutt (our 8 year old son) and beauty (my 16yo). I don't need it from other adults.

Big sigh...whew its nice to get this last week down here. On my end with bassman's relationship with wild orchid...I wanted them to have a 2nd overnight next week since I'm not too deep into the season and it'd be a last opportunity until April 15th. Well the hunter and bassman went out for a few beers Thursday. Bottom line is the hunter is not able to have the love birds see each other more than 1 time a week (he's working a lot too right now). He is also feeling what I am...when he's with wild orchid, she's not engaged with him but texting/talking with bassman. And the hunter has another...but that's not apparently awesomeness. Digressing again...sorry self, it's where your thoughts are wandering to.

I told bassman all I need from him is that when we're together, to be focused on me....like he use to a few months ago, be actively responsive to me and the family. If he can do that, than I don't care how much he's texting,talking while I'm home. And I have to work on my way of showing my love for him. Neither of us have done the love type test thingy but I'm thinking he's definitely "touch" and I'm not sure what I am. I love touches....oh this is it.

Bassman definitely lets me know how much he desires me physically...no doubt about it, but all that makes me feel is our relationship is just sex and that's it. I am jealous of intellectually we don't have much to discuss. I realize jobs, kids, lack of sleep plays a big part of it, but for me to be happy...bassman and muse must not be only about that but more. I want to grow with him and I want him to grow with me. I don't want to be in a rut.

Today I am happy, completely 100% so. Wild orchid and I are texting with each other about potentials for me. I think soon I'll be comfortable to have wild orchid/muse bonding time but not quite yet. Why? I'm hugely intimidated by her mind. As I've said she's awesome, but knowing your metamour is a BEHAVIOR ANALYST sort of spooks me. Is that abnormal? I just don't want my metamour analyzing me, telling bassman her thoughts of me, etc. I don't believe she'd really do that, but it's a fear and until I can overcome this fear, wild orchid/muse time is on the back burner. (and yes the hunter is a part of this forum and i believe wild orchid is too...not sure they read my blog or not and if they do, i don't hold back...THIS IS MY SPACE, MY PLACE TO SHARE FOR MYSELF MY UPS AND DOWNS...and bassman definitely reads this, can cause me some discomfort but if I don't write here...where do I go to do it)?

I think I'm going to take a tiny break and come back to write about my dating experiences. Some ray of light, possibly....

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 02-02-2014 at 09:06 PM.
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  #73  
Old 02-02-2014, 10:33 PM
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No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting and asking for his attention to be on you or the family during family time. When you are actively doing something together, it's actually extrememly rude to switch his attention to someone else, especially if you're having romantic time. Leo has to be in the moment with me during couple time, especially when we are talking. To that point, I suggest telling bassman that while you agree talking is very important and must be done, you will only discuss important issues face-to-face. Insisting it must be done over text minimizes the importance of the discussion and leaves huge gaps in what is communicated. You need to be able to see facial expressions, gestures, and hear vocal tones to communicate effectively. Text should be used for "don't forget milk", not for "we need to talk." Then refuse to discuss heavy subjects further in text. Turn off the phone if he refuses to wait. It's his relationship too, and he should take it seriously. If it's not important enough to discuss in person, then it's not important enoigh to discuss at all. Good luck!
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  #74  
Old 02-09-2014, 02:05 AM
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Last Friday night I went to kickboxer's (formerly KB somewhere in this blog) new place. First time we met not at his work. I had a good time. Hooking up as fwb has been over 7 months in the making. He's definitely reserved and going through a lot. He just moved that Monday before hand into his new place. He's getting divorced. His housemate invaded our hang out time (good thing it was after experiencing each other). We had started watching Fight Club (love that movie) and the room filled up with his friends (it was kickboxer's birthday weekend). The house mate's brother was so interesting...enough that I have not stopped thinking about him. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed his conversation, the way he looked at me (well that I did when I was there), his looks, personality....I still think about him today. I don't have any idea of how to contact him either. I know, I know, I could just ask kickboxer for his number....but feel kinda strange doing that.

Tonight I am going to see the mechanic (KW from before), my 22 year old, I met back in November. We reconnected via text a few weeks ago...and I've been more realistic about him this time. Yesterday he asked if after this week, from now on, we'd meet on Sundays...I didn't commit since things went backwards with him last time on making plans to continue seeing each other that this time around, it's all up to him. I have no expectation except fwb, enjoy his youth and how I enjoy him in a bed.

I figure until I'm actually able to give more of myself in time (two days a week and not only one) my dating for a serious relationship is on hold. I might as well enjoy the here and now...and that makes me happy actually.

Back to the friend of kickboxer's...maybe next week I'll get the courage to ask for the number. I mean, why not, and his friend is actually doing the framing work on house that is getting built near my home. I just am never around during the day to try to find it cause if I could, I'd just go by there and say "hi". Yes the friend told me where he's working since they all live 30 minutes away and we got to talking a lot. He was so cool!

bassman is working until 9 tonight so I'll be off around 10:30. Apparently guys I like can only meet late at night. Good thing I can sleep in a little tomorrow.
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  #75  
Old 02-19-2014, 08:22 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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My mind and body have adapted to working over 60 hours a week. I do recognize when I hit my wall and need to take a weekend day off.

Issues of jealousy and envy are gone - Yeah!

Issues of bassman being a horrible communicator as a hinge are still there but actions he's done in the last week have allowed me to pin point it - progress like at 30% before yesterday. Now 35% but he's now aware of (and so I am, I am faulty at times on this due to work constraints) better clarity in communication, ask questions if unsure, repeat agreed upon things (even whose picking the kids up or what not, poly isn't 100% of the problem in our communication), voice expectations if there are any and share with each other first rather than last.

Love on the horizon....kickboxer doesn't want a relationship but does want sex. Not sure about that long-term but okay with it until I get a normal life again. Dating is so on the backburner right now...
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  #76  
Old 03-09-2014, 07:53 PM
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I am struggling right now. I am sucking at being poly. I think bassman sucks at being a hinge.

I can go about 5 days feeling ok. Than bam! I'm in a funk. My work schedule can be sun to sat or mon to sun with no day off until #14. Yesterday I hit over 61 hours in 6 days (only worked just over 4 yesterday).

What my issue has been lately is quality time and quality talking time. Our communication is always about me having a problem. My problem is what bassman is communicating to me and not listening to my communication to him. (thinking about this now I smile and laugh - I've been under the assumption {assume just need to remember it makes an ass of myself} bassman's communication with wild orchid never gets forgotten by him...well honestly I don't know so now that I've thought about it...don't care any more BUT the amount of communication is definitely at a subpar level in comparison for bassman and I and that's the issue for me-that he just doesn't spend the time contacting me etc...UNLESS IT'S A DAY AN "ISSUE" HAS EVOLVED).

I just want to stop feeling so sad. Today, after a good nights sleep...that weird icky sad feeling is gone. Working so much, the pressure (can't make a mistake with what I'm doing so at times there's research on tax laws to go through when taking a deduction or a way to treat income etc) of home, work and my needs did get overwhelming for me.

The conversation last night with bassman...the outcome wasn't what I was looking for. So I told him no trying to do what he suggested (an exit strategy of his relationship with wild orchid). One because that isn't the problem and yeah, I may not be ok with poly at this time, I do realize my triggers at this time (work hours, lack of sleep, lack of time) is my demise of being happy want in life. I can never give an ultimatum (which I did give but not of that relationship...it wasn't me or her....it was if you can't help and do more of the communicating with me that you do her...than I want a divorce, not you end it with her or I'm divorcing you).

It's that I've been telling him for weeks we're broken. I truly feel that. We were broken when we entered into this lifestyle and WE need work. I love him, he loves me...the passionate love I have now for him that was not here a year ago...which he's been wanting from me...has rooted her head full force BUT issues that have been in our relationship for over 20 years...those behaviors/issues that we're both guilty of and we've both put up with...those things/behaviors is what makes me feel broken...and it falls back on COMMUNICATION...oh what a revolving circle this is.

And so for me...I truly, deeply in my heart, feel that I can be in a poly relationship with bassman, that is pretty fluid...and allowed to change as our needs change if we both can work on our time when we're with each other and our actions when we are with each other.

My trigger yesterday...discovering while paying the cell bill...that texting with wild orchid continues even after I'm home. He works 6:30am to 2 pm. They text as soon as he wakes, he calls her every morning for 5 to 15 minute talks, as soon as I pick him up at 2 and I'm back to work at 2:30 he has any where to a 30minute to hour conversation with her and then they text the rest of day/night.

When I'm home and we're supposed to be spending quality time with the kids and each other he's texting her the entire time. This is my issue right now. I get the text's about kids once he's off work and when I'm done and a few
"i really need to reconnect with you"....blah blah blah. Sex just doesn't satisfy my emotional needs...he just doesn't get it. I really feel at this season (Feb 1st to Apr 15) respecting my need to receive 100% attention (aside from the 75% the kids gets) should be devoted to me as soon as he picks me up from work.

Like Wed...we had a date night, went out. As soon as we got home, he started texting wild orchid. When he has his time with her...guess what I am not doing? Texting him...now come the morning and a kid gets sick or something comes up, yes he'll get a text from me. On his overnights, he's the one to make contact with me in the morning, but I do not contact him unless it's an emergency. I thing his time with her should be about him being with her. And I think I should be respected by both of them when he's with me. Yes we're married, yes we live together, but NO we get one hour a night, that's 6 hours a week with plus 2 here or there (a date night) that we get quality time. Even with his one overnight...he gets almost a full day with her minus an hour here or so of getting kids off to their places (she has older adopted disabled kids and that is how she works...she doesn't have a job to be at). I am not jealous or envious of her...I am annoyed at bassman SUCKING at being a hinge.

Bassman tells me continuously he just wants me to be happy. So I freak out...then feel bad I'm "controlling him" (yes his words) so I negate all the "boundaries" I threw out when upset...when in reality he just hasn't gotten it since December....just because I say DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT, I'LL DEAL WITH IT...at what point does he get out of his box and let the light bulb go off?

....Oh wow...she keeps bringing this "issue" up...maybe rather than take her up on her offer when she's upset...do whatever i want...maybe i should really take heart and hear what she's telling me...she's telling me she's not okay i contact wild orchid when i'm with her (duh )...and she only tells me to do whatever because she's trying not to control the situation...but her upsetness continues to be the same subject even though i say it's the relationship..which yeah it's how i'm doing the other relationship and how i'm doing this relationship with her...and i tell her she's my primary but if i take a step outside that box...i might just see what she's seeing...

if only he'd think that way. oh well...i can only discuss it so much until i'm just tired of it...hence the ultimatum of divorce. i can't ask him to change, i can only ask him to interact with me more during the day...if that isn't a possibility, then i will not be happy and i see my only recourse is ending it. i just would never respect myself to continue to stay in a relationship that does not provide me happiness at a minimum 75% of the time nor in a relationship where i'm friggin upset, sad, depressed 90% of the time.
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  #77  
Old 03-09-2014, 08:21 PM
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Wow Ali. I hope he gets his shit together and gives you the contact/communication frequency you need. I don't think you could be any clearer at what you are looking for right now. ((((HUGS))))
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Old 03-09-2014, 08:51 PM
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As a hinge I have to say bassman sucks.

Maybe have him read your latest post.
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Old 03-09-2014, 10:55 PM
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Well bassman today has said he'd not text her while I'm home. So far so good.

Then...wild orchid (during their call after he got off work but before getting home) offered to get me a massage. I just don't know when I'd have time this week. Bassman's birthday dinner at his parents Tuesday, bassman picking his sister up from the airport Wednesday, then trying to get our home cleaned, kids rooms cleaned all for Princess' 3rd birthday party next Sunday.

Why do so many people in my family have a March birthday? Probably because I picked a line of work where am busy this time of year? LOL go figure.

So the massage offer...I think I'm just not use to someone's kindness. Life has been hard work, doing the best so the kids have a better childhood than my own, so kindness...it's just unfamiliar to me. Not sure if I'm comfortable with too much of it.
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Old 03-10-2014, 12:33 AM
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I don't think the massage was an offer made in kindness. I think it was made to manipulate your feelings so she can still keep her status quo.
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