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  #111  
Old 06-04-2014, 09:27 AM
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Well apparently my blog was utilized by Dude in trying to sabotage bassman & wild orchid's relationship by dude. Yep that's right. I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined what I wrote here would be outed to any one I had not shared I felt comfortable with them reading my inner thoughts nor that my struggle with poly would be used against my metamour or my love.

My blog was shared to my metamour's adult children in some childish attempt to guilt wild orchid, through their kids, to break up with bassman.

I was apologized to but don't know if its genuine. The apology came late last night. Wild orchid discovered this yesterday, but this act of violation, was done weeks ago.

Remember back when I was really struggling? That's when I was in frequent contact with dude. My comperting started to return as soon as I cut off communication. I am in a happy place a lot since then.

The last few days I started thinking the what if's. Like, had I not cut off communication & hung out at their home (putting myself in a situation I knew would be hard for me if PDA occurred) would these shenanigans happened? There's much more than Trust violations that has been happening (not bassman but DUDE for his transgression) but a total whirlwind of losing one's shit at a birthday party and the catalyst of bassman fucking up, was dude. NOTE bassman takes 100% responsibility for that behavior chosen as well as I do.

The reality of a W is the poly math even affects the outside ends.

Sunday I invited wild orchid to dinner. I made red sauce with angel hair pasta. We watched a movie. It was fun times. They went for a walk. Then I got annoyed at how long they were gone, started thinking too much of that one night and let it be known i started struggling. I'm getting there but am not quite 100% there.

I know wild orchid needs extra love and support. Frick its their 24 year anniversary next week and this is going down-insecurity, fear of abandonment from dude. I just realized my new issue is not jealousy or even envy but fear that any one on one time with bassman is getting eaten up by the drama in that V dude-wild orchid-bassman relationship.

Last night we had wild orchid over after her yoga class ( she's over in this area taking this class with good friends). It was a wonderful night. No weirdness. Ladies received foot massages. Nature entertained us with lightening, thunder and rain. Normally they do Monday overnights at her place (remember dude's girlfriend moved in there). But bassman had to reschedule for work reasons. They are doing there overnight tonight & its a mystery where...since her home base isn't bassman friendly. Actually I know where but its my secret.

In my love life. There's a local guy on Okc who wants to meet. I'm not sure yet. I sincerely am not feeling the energy in persuing a third relationship. New ldr D/s guy will be meeting each other in 3 weeks. He's 4 hours away. That's much closer than Seattle. I've discussed my hard limits, curiosities, likes-have done & dislikes of his fetishes and adding a few of my own.

Funny about timing and intent. At same time of chatting with Wolfe I sent this guy an Okc message about my inner confusion of being a Switch or something else. I figure I'm unsure and wanting to explore. He is polyamorous. It didn't start out at all as me wanting more than my question I posed answered. I first looked at his fet profile, loved a few pics that tore at me - the voyeur & sub. He initiated next in giving me his number. Communication blossomed. The kink talk is here and there possibly 50/50 with rest on daily life activities & learning about each other. He's 41, tall, 6'2 and just intrigues me.

I'm getting excited to meet him. I like our interactions - or the amount. He typically initiates the first text of the day & always asks me a question. I respond. Sometimes there's a few more spread out through the day. Its nice. I feel confidence from him and within. I am not drained from it as I have been with last few potentials.

And that is back to this third guy (1-bassman 2-mmm still no idea yet ldr) and my energy levels. I'm content. There are some scheduling changes about to occur in next week or two. Bassman hours changing. I'll be requesting to start work at 6am to 2pm. Teens summer soccer (high school training & club soccer) schedule. And decisions to make in child care (4 week notice required). I'm not sure I have energy for more investment in one more right now. Life isn't just my V but each relationship with the 3 kids. Those needs of these three are so different due to huge age differences and sexes. (16f, 8m & 3f). And last but not least is myself and my personal time. There isn't much of that (2:24 am right now - bed is calling). Not sure I'm able to sacrifice more of that right now.

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 06-04-2014 at 09:34 AM.
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  #112  
Old 06-13-2014, 09:12 PM
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Today sucks. I started feeling an icky tummy as soon as I got off work yesterday. 4 am, it's worse and by 6:30 determine I best stay home. I've been trying to get some work in, but my brain isn't too functional. Looks like I'll be working on the weekend.

Why do I constantly offer up a suggestion to bassman, that as soon as I offer it, I regret it? I have a bad habit of doing this. Looks like I need to think about my "acts of kindness" in more detail prior to verbalizing them. Is this part of the "possible possible borderline personality disorder" I was diagnosed with in 2001?

Like Monday, I told bassman I wanted to attend the local munch on Friday (today) and possibly he go see wild orchid afterwards and maybe they move Thursdays back to Friday with tons of ?? marks to him in the text as well as the statement "we really need to all sit down and figure out schedules".

So that has caused a shit storm of issues for us this week. I never felt I made the suggestion "set in stone" and then he jumped at it. I tried explaining yesterday at some point, it'd be nice to hear from him "i'd actually like to go back home with you after the munch".

This is what happened this week. He got scheduled to have Wed & Thurs off. Normally it's Tues & Wed. So he could go camping with wild orchid, he switched Tues and Thurs with a co-worker. He ended up having to work a night shift yesterday and not days as normal. I tried to explain that during wild orchid's stressful life over the last few weeks I feel I've been very ambicable with having her over and them taking time to go be alone on "our night" or "our family night". I explained yesterday that it wasn't "my fault you didn't get your Thursday overnight this week and why should I loose my Friday, if I choose to go out alone or spend time with you. We've agreed Fridays are my nights".

I don't date right now, kind of put that on the back burner - too damn draining. I am tentatively forming a D/s relationship with Sir (figure that's who he is and best to just call him that here) but I still need "me" time. Bassman gets Mondays & Thursdays and when ever they can find other time to see each other during the week as well as talking 2-3 times a day on the phone and texting throughout the day.

(I had some great stuff written and apparently I "cut" but cannot paste-argh. Not sure what was in between above and what is below but this is my best attempt to recreate):

I received a text from wild orchid yesterday asking if everything was ok. I get the sense bassman told her a bit about our issues this week but not the full details. I just told her "communication issues". I proceeded to ask via text or more inform bassman I have no problems with wild orchid visiting him at the house today while I'm at work. It's not like that's taking away "me time".

His response, touched my soul, and really let me know he does care about me, he does care about "us" and working on "us". He wrote this back to me:

"My relationship with you comes before Wild Orchid coming over for a couple of hours today. I want you to feel confident that I can be trusted and you can start opening up to me".

So here is part of his issue with me: I don't tell him much about who I chat with. I don't see the point, mainly since, um, my life is quite boring, honestly. What caused his upset with me on Wed was that wild orchid discussed with him how I'm chatting with my potential new metamour (one of them at least) that is with Sir. I don't know why I never told bassman about that. I know I've told him she contacted me a few weeks ago, but he can't remember that conversation. Actually it seems like any time I "speak" of a potential he doesn't remember it. Honestly I think I need to start recording conversations with bassman. Texts...he remembers...hearing me...not. But he was hurt and upset that he heard about my new potential metamour from his girlfriend and not from his wife.

And then wonderboy sent me a text last night. I responded a bit. Wonderboy is trying to get me to visit him in Portland next month. I won't be going. My focus is kids, bassman and Sir right now. Visiting Sir in 11 days and if there is that "connection", I know I'd like to visit him every one to two months if not more. And that's what is different for me with Sir than wonderboy. Sir is interested in a relationship. Wonderboy just wants sex. No way in hell am I getting myself off somewhere for 8 hours to just have sex. When I saw him in Januray...I was already going there.

Back to bassman and his need for me to open up to him. Texts from wonderboy caused him to be upset with me this morning. I am so damn confused. I don't ask for details of what bassman is texting wild orchid. I do ask, once in a while, like if we're chilling in bed, who he's texting. And every once in a while I'll see an email (not upset ever by the content) that he sends while it's "us" time and I get a little upset by that. See, I don't get much interaction from him when he's on his overnight. And I don't mind their constant need to be in contact with each other, but at some point, if we're on a date or we're camping, I'd really appreciate thoughts to be on me...not her and vice versa.

He replied that when he's with her he thinks about me and vice versa. Okay, that's fine...words words words...really don't mean much. Actions are so more telling for me. And if he doesn't send me a good night text (like last night at 11ish he had to step outside to call her and say "goodnight") I call him on it.

Actually yesterday I sent him a pdf of my text log (90 pages from 6/4 to 6/11 am). Just to show him who I am in contact with. Sir I exchange two to three texts, once in a while a few more, a day but not a lot. Most texts are with him, wild orchid and teen and sometimes the other soccer parents from the group texting. That's it.

I think bassman has been under the impression I'm texting/messaging with tons of guys. But I am not. See, that's how much he's aware of me. It's not that I haven't been open, I just haven't had anything to tell him.

But back to this need of his. I get I'm not 100% open about my thoughts and emotions. Kinda hard to be since it gets us into bad ugly confrontations. I internalize quite a bit. I'm trying to change and not bring up little things (oh aint' that a crux, isn't it the "little things" that are truly big things in reality)?

My weak points: I don't open up and my daily interactions with bassman and he and I now know why. I don't trust him. It hurt for him to hear that from me but that's our reality. How can I share my innermost thoughts with a person, even if I've been with them for over 21 years, if there is no trust?

Bassman weak points: He isn't good at communicating schedules to me or wild orchid. He's trying and is getting better at it but even this week was a fiasco...

That's enough for now. Need to try to get some work done. Have a good weekend everyone.

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 06-13-2014 at 09:17 PM.
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  #113  
Old 06-13-2014, 10:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
Texts...he remembers...hearing me...not.
You now know he remembers visual communication better, so next time, send a simple text with a few basics, "FYI: talking to new person - more details in person, IF you ask". Come to an agreement that after the initial FYI text you won't be volunteering any additional information unless he asks and is willing to actually listen.

My husband tunes me out when I try to talk to him. We have both had to make changes in the way we try and communicate to keep this from happening. Including me stopping in the middle of a discussion and ask him what he just heard me say. It's a PIA, but I can start to see when he's tuning me out and he makes a better effort not to do it, as he doesn't like getting called out on it.
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  #114  
Old 06-21-2014, 12:23 AM
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What a strange week. Bassman's work has been in transition from a pub & grille to fine dining restaurant. Last night he banked 47 hours since Sunday and actually hasn't had a day off since two Wednesdays ago. His overnights with Wild Orchid have been limited due to all the changes. I've been feeling a huge disconnect and have been sensing his insecurities about my upcoming trip to meet Sir next week.

We showered together last night before he left with Wild Orchid. We had a good talk. Me, asking for reassurance. Due to the events in Wild Orchid's relationship with Dude, I've been a bit concerned that the distance they are experiencing with each other will cause her to feel a need to request more time with bassman each week. I asked him if he felt like he can't make his own choices. I asked if he was still excited to return home to see me after his overnights. I asked if he's content with his status quo right now. I asked if he felt he could manage more relationships or is the V enough for him.

He provided assurances. He says he does have his own autonomy (yay because I have been trying hard not to "control" him or his other relationship yet when it comes to finances or the kids, it's not me trying to control, just make sure everyone's on the same page - so yeah I control that but it's my job as momma and bill payer to do such). He says he hasn't lost any excitement or desire to return home to me, it's part of poly he likes, being able to share those good feel nre emotions with me physically and emotionally. He is content with the status quo...so I prodded a bit more and asked if he'd prefer two overnights in a row instead of Mondays and Thursdays. He replied back and asked "how will that affect you" and then informed me "I'm happy with how it currently is". He doesn't want more than his V as far as relationships go. He does want to spend time together with us both at the same time (and yes, eventually would like some sexy fun with both of us at the same time BUT she isn't there yet and actually I'm probably closer to that interest than she is).

Then it was his turn to open up to me on his struggles regarding my upcoming meet and visit with Sir. His mind has gotten quite active with imagining the worst case scenarios. See, Sir, a Master, who is poly, brands his slaves. I was given an ultimatum by bassman earlier this week if I returned home branded he'd never have sex with me. I wrote about this on fetlife. Sir read it and was concerned about hub's jealousy. First off, Sir brands at the collaring ceremony and that's after a year of the D/s relationship. Sir did offer to contact hub but I explained let's wait on that until after we meet and know if we'll continue seeing each other or not. Then some of bassman's other fears is Sir is a fake, a serial killer and I won't return home. His thoughts are my potential metamour is a fake and isn't really her contacting and all this crazy mind blowing paranoia.

As far as if Sir is real. Luckily for us, our friend who lives in Sir's area actually went to a coffee munch on Wednesday and met some of Sir's friends. Sir is real and even though he's Dom, he is a nice and awesome guy. Our friend didn't meet him but heard folks talk about him and his May Kinky Camp Out. Sir has an off grid homestead and is self-sustaining. Grows all his fruits and vegies and has his own livestock.

So tonight will be my time to reassure bassman. There was no time left last night to provide any assurances since Wild Orchid had arrived to pick him up.

And tonight, bassman and I are attending our first munch. Not quite local, we have to travel over to Spokane. I finally have taken the step to branch out and meet new people. There's quite a number of locals in my town who are into kink and attend this weekly event. Fingers crossed we connect with others and make new friends.

I'm so excited for my 4 hour trip to meet Sir. Monday night I'll drive 3 hours to visit our friend and stay with him for the night. Then on the road at 10:30am to meet Sir at noon in his home town. I can't drive the car to his homestead since it requires vehicles that can make it up the mountain (a bit of basssman's fear too...that I'll be stranded with some sick fucker). Speaking of our friend. He just asked if we could mess around if it was ok with Sir and bassman. It doesn't matter if it is ok with either of them but I replied back I'd rather just hang out and talk. The friend is going through a separation. His wife set him up to "cheat" (long story made short) so she could return to our hometown and hookup with an ex boyfriend and will let him know in August if they will stay married or not. Can we say "summer fling without guilt"? Actually until friend and his wife figure their shit out...I'm not doing anything aside from friendship there.

Dinner just made it - PIZZA. I have more to share but man am I starving and have a huge headache coming on from being hungry.
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  #115  
Old 06-21-2014, 01:31 AM
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So back to bassman. There's a part of him that doesn't get why I'm choosing to sub with someone besides him. Gosh, how do I explain it's truly because I can't see myself being submissive with him. That the trust that is needed for me to want to go that route isn't there. His fault, my fault and truly no fault, no finger pointing it's just what it is. Isn't that partly what poly is for? I do realize if bassman said to me he wants to Dom so and so, I might feel a twinge of jealousy but I don't really think I would. Now I could be wrong on that but if I don't desire to sub with him how could I ever have an issue of him Dom with another girly?

There's a part of me that in my analysis of US, is sensing bassman truly has a desire for me to return to mono even though he doesn't want to stop his relationship with Wild Orchid. Is that typical? And I know for a fact the root of that feeling I get from him (due to words he says to me) is he is worried I'll stop loving him and leave him. Kinda twisted, eh? I know he doesn't "want his cake" thingy...but I see it as he's use to me not having another significant other and has gotten quite use to "how it is". Use to me having crash and burn dates (can I just say that has been so damn draining on me emotionally, mentally and does affect me physically). I guess it's just how we are growing. I know and he even said last night - (in reference to Sir mostly) "it's your choice what you do and I can't control you I'm just worried for your safety". [Love him 1000 times more]. But he does need to realize I'm a grown woman. I've been in bizarre situations in my college days before we started dating and never once did anything horrible happen to me. Bassman forgets I'm pretty intelligent and have an awesome intuition on people and can discern their agenda, ulterior motives.

Thinking back to puker (I texted Wild Orchid about this today). That was a date I should have cancelled. 10 days after my thyroid surgery and the day after our van died. And I have blamed him for ditching me when I needed him and there, in retrospect, I see I was being passive-aggressive. I was hurt and with tears in my eyes...wild orchid and i discussed that weekend on monday and she sensed i needed him to stay with me...but in their infancy of nre, neither one of them nor I was willing to say...maybe tonight isn't a good idea. Bassman went due to his issues of me meeting another date that I'd probably fuck. It's not like my intention was to have sex but why not? shrug. why not if my last date was in October and now it's December and I just went through a few months of worrying whether I had cancer or not. Why not get some fun in even if it's a one time thing. Why not? Because I was hurting and my date, although when sober was a gentlemen and interesting, but as soon as the alcohol hit him...the dude was bat shit crazy. I never wrote about things he was saying before he puked. He's ex-military but never left the states. He kept ranting on "I want to kill someone". So a lesson learned that night...trust your instincts Ali, that intuition of yours is amazing if you only would listen to her.

And that, my friends in virtual world, is my instinct, my intuition on Sir. I don't have a feeling of doom, I am not experiencing any anxiety but a lot of feel good thoughts without too many expectations. I feel this new man, a Sir, is meant to be in my life. And he's a Pisces just like bassman. Same age even...I'll probably bust a gut if I find out they have the same birthday. How intriguing this will be.

Now my potential metamour is one of two. There are three other potentials, including me, this new metamour has told me. Now in my math head, does that mean there are 4 new potential metamours for her or 3 . Because the way one speaks and their understanding of language could really change and my interpretation could be wrong. It doesn't matter either way. As long as there is a connection and things grow both in the bdsm aspect and in the heart aspect I'm okay if I end up with 20 metamours.

And that' where I confuse myself. I'm totally fine thinking thoughts of being with Sir and all his girls and him sharing himself with all of us at the same time. Yet over here, in my semi-vanilla life, being intimate with bassman in front of wild orchid or seeing bassman intimate with wild orchid has been this huge struggle for me. Remember I was on board with that the night I met dude and the love birds were on a "date". I wasn't bothered by any of it. I guess it's a good thing I've struggled. It lets bassman feel reassured I truly do love him. It also lets him know that when he encounters his issues he's already dealt with mine and might just be able to understand why I was having such a hard time with it all.

And with it all...I realized this week...it's not that I didn't want him exploring and loving another. It was adjusting and acclimating to the changes in what use to be (sleeping together almost every night aside from visits we made to see family or friends without each other) to the new now. That's all it's really been with a few bouts of envy and huge lacks of communication. I don't want to return to mono...I'd never be happy if I did. I'd end up cheating etc so this is me...this is Ali the poly mom of three.

Disconnect...it's just not having much time together and for one, sleeping in a bed together does not equate to quality interactions nor does having sex/making love. That's been the hard part of this week. And it's all right before I'm gone for 4 nights. But it'll be a test of us both...how we cope and deal. Lucky hub will be going camping with wild orchid and our two youngest, pnutt and the princess while I'm away. Teen has soccer practices she can't miss. Her team is getting fit for their next tournament in early July. So I am getting a rental car to drive east, our vehicle is staying here so teen can get to practices and if she gets hired (had an interview today) she can get to work without any problems. She's 16, a good kid and not many other parents would leave their kiddo alone for a few nights. I trust her and she trusts me.

Speaking of that trust my oldest has towards me. Yesterday she asked advice on what her best friend should do. The bff is sexually active, her mother lost custody of her and her little sis. They live with their aunt. The other night the condom broke when she was having sex with her boyfriend. When teen brought this up my first response was bff needs to go get the morning after pill. bff and her boy already did this ($60 frickin). Now teen asks what should her friend do going forward. My spoken advice is to either make an appointment with the health department (ours has a clinic) or planned parenthood and bff needs to get on the pill. It won't prevent std's but in those cases of a broken condom, it'll stop any stresses of pregnancy. BFF is high risk to not graduate with her upbringing. I can relate as that was some what of my fate as a teen. I suggested teen let bff know she discussed with me this situation and if bff wants I will go with her to the appointment. LOL my teen at first suggested I take her, my daughter, in and ask the pediatrician to put her on the pill and she'd just give them to her bff. Um, no, we can't do that. The pill needs to be prescribed to bff.

What was great about that conversation yesterday with teen is she knows she can come to me if she ever gets into a situation like her bff did. I've always told her to never be afraid to approach me. Never worry if I'll be upset with her as I know I wouldn't ever be. But having a real life conversation and her asking me for advice tells me there is a huge amount of trust and love there. I love my teen so damn much! Well I love my boy and the youngest girl just as much...but it's different and all three of them have different needs that I meet as their momma.

One more hour and I get bassman from work and then we'll head out for a date at a munch! Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 06-21-2014 at 01:38 AM.
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Old 06-23-2014, 08:16 PM
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In a few hours I'm taking off for my adventure/vacation to meet Sir. Lots of excitement.

Wild Orchid and Bassman are leaving the same time for camping with pnutt & princess. They are so worried about what type of person Sir is (guess they're my escape route if needed) that their camping trip is going to be just down the road from Sir.

Have a good week all.
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Old 06-29-2014, 04:10 PM
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I had an amazing experience with Sir. Down right awesome. His mind is absolutely amazing. His homestead is offgrid...powered by solar energy, his creeks with hydro operations. I did some "nekked" gardening, learned his 10 rules quickly (there is no rule #9).

Basman, Wild Orchid and the two youngest camped nearby. Sir made sure I kept in contact with Bassman, making sure he was doing okay during my 3 day trip.

Sir stated he wanted me to visit him once a month. We've narrowed it down to my second paycheck of the month so it'll be around the 25th. July his calendar was full, well not full, but one of his girls had most weekends marked as "alone" and being the newbie, I didn't want to push too much, too soon on getting time in with him. We'll call her Fairy and the girl in Alaska will be called Raven. Fairy and Raven have some issues, Sir says mostly communication, where they don't speak the same language so it gets twisted and causing hurt feelings. Fairy is a psychoanalyst so her and Sir will be writing a book together on poly and bdsm. He really wanted me to come in two weekends when they are having a fencing party (putting in fences for the cows he'll be buying in less than four weeks). Teen has a big tournement that weekend so I can't go.

Then August is jammed pack. Lots of blocked off alone time weekends for both Fairy and Raven except the 15-17. I'll meet Raven then. They are all going to Burning Man so the end of August just won't work.

I also was able to get scheduled in for Sept 26-28. Right after pnutt's 9th birthday and right before my 19th wedding anniversary.

NRE - I do believe I'm in that bubble, long distance though. And that's exactly what I need. I feel fulfilled, complete. My level of comperting is increasing drastically. Mondays the love birds may start having their overnights here, in a tent, in our backyard. Otherwise it'd be short lived since we stopped daycare for the summer and July 15th teen will have soccer trainings at 9am; thus bassman will need to be here. That made bassman happy I'm now ready for their pda's and more.
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Old 07-01-2014, 01:24 AM
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I'm kind of torn. On Thursday one of my new metamours called Sir. Raven was freaking out about another potential new girl, let's call her Milk Maid (this is what Sir now intends her position within the homestead to be once he gets a herd of cows) who is going to be a sub too. Raven's concern was this new girl will get herself pregnant. See Sir's home is pretty much 24/7 kink. He has dreams of building an intentional community, wants to put 4-5 cabins in on different places on the mountain, but not too close to the main home. These would be our individual homes where we could stay with our children while visiting Sir. He loves kids, but does not want any as he already has grown children of his own. This is very clear on his okc profile, but not every newbie would get it. It was obvious to me.

I actually happen to agree that Raven's concern should be heeded without thinking she's experiencing jealousy etc. Milk Maid and I were chatting on fb last night. Well first off, even though when she was married and a slave to her husband, they were polyamorous. But, but, but...she doesn't even get that Sir is a relationship anarchist for one. She keeps using the term "polygamous". So to me, she may have lived in a polygamous relationship with her ex, but Sir is not polygamous. So that has me concerned.

Then we start discussing our children. We both have 3 year olds. I mentioned I was still nursing. She asked if Sir was stoked. Well of course he was. Milk Maid goes on to tell me she tried to get herself to lactate even though it's been almost 2 years since her youngest weaned. So maybe I'm being paranoid, being new to this poly unit and all, but, my intuition is pretty much on 99% of the time. I think Milk Maid is going to try to get herself pregnant. I don't care whether she does or does not...her body, her autonomy. I do know Sir is very adamant he wants no more littles of his own.

I'm trying to figure out when I should bring up my concern with Sir. That is his relationship to own, but Raven is right he forgets some things (I witnessed it while I was there). Gosh I feel like I'm being tricky. I figured my timing of my concern needs to be stated a few days before Milk Maid goes to visit him. So I asked her when her next visit will be and stated how I met Fairy my first day and that I'd be meeting Raven on my next visit. I do believe Milk Maid's next visit will be when both Fairy and Raven are there.

Damn I feel so high schoolish and manipulative.

Sir texted me today (he texts me everyday) since he decided he wanted me. That was back on May 9th. LOL he stated he's "kinda burnt out". A bit of my fault because I think we had way more sex that he usually has with his girls.

I'm missing him and told him as much. I also told him about my offer I gave to Wild Orchid and Bassman about moving their overnights here. Sir asked if hub appreciated that and told me "Miss you too". Squee After almost a year of dating and what not, that connection my mind and body needed has been found. Gosh Aug 15th is going to feel like forever!

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 07-01-2014 at 01:26 AM.
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  #119  
Old 07-04-2014, 11:09 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Default Happy 4th of July!

Last night was a moment of huge growth! Wild Orchid texted me wondering if I wanted to hang out with her, drink wine, while she waited for Bassman to get off work (was to be sometime after nine). I invited her over. I bbq'd the elk steak my boyfriend gave me last week, cooked brown rice and steamed carrots and asparagus. BTW - her compliments, I did an awesome job on the marinading of the elk, not gamey tasting at all, juicy and tender.

She left to get Bassman and return an hour or so later (after they skinny dipped in the river and almost got in trouble - this will be a 2nd time with the police - since they were on the property of a college campus) they came home. We chilled for about 30 minutes out on the back patio, talking and what not. Then I needed to get princess asleep so left them. Yay me! They did an overnight here, although in the backyard in the tent, but still I was fine, no insecurities, no envy, no jealousy, nothing but BLISS!

I'm missing Sir a lot. Three intense, very intimate days spent together. There is definitely chemistry there, an appreciation for each other's brains and body's. Monday I was missing him bad and just sent off a text "I miss you". Pretty soon after that he replied "Miss you too". So sweet . Then yesterday after texting with Raven (she's there visiting him now) on his cell about trying to figure out dates etc for future monthly visits he sent out of the blue "I miss you-X". Yeah, we definitely have a connection.

Well today teen was in the local parade with her soccer club. This is the very first time Bassman and I took princess to a parade. She was a little whiny but had a blast. Pnutt did awesome, just into all the firetrucks and military vets. What was strange was none of the parade participants threw out candy. Back in Olympia, whether it was the biker toy's for tots parade, the Procession of the Species Parade or Lakefair Parade, candy is all over the place. Kinda nice kiddos won't expect that while we live here.

What else....so lots of compersion for bassman and wild orchid.

But, bassman told our littles he'd like to move up North on Wednesday (this would be a possible co-habitation or I don't know what) and finding this out last night made me a bit upset. I held it in, but he knew instantly I was bothered by something. Honestly, until he and I discuss this concept/idea (which is his and wild orchid's) and either agree on it or agree that's for him but not for me, the kids should not be involved. It really upset teen, even though bassman said it'd be after she goes off to college. She freaked out last night. I think partly because wild orchid was talking to me about a trial run up in this place next summer. Stating bassman basically would quit his secure and well paying job as a chef (very hard to come by here) and get a position up there somewhere and that I could work virtually or commute a few days a week back down here. Kinda gets my anxiety a bit riled up. I mean, I get this idea/concept but our kids are 3, 8 and 16. I haven't been with my job even a year yet (yes I can work from home but that's more due to kid illnesses etc not a permanent option, they, the boss and others need me in the office. I'm the "go to" for asking about tax laws etc and if I don't know the answer then they go to the boss and even the boss comes to me for discussion of some complicated tax positions). I am not ready to even test the water on that. Plus, pnutt's bestie lives right across the street. It was awesome moving here and having a neighbor with a kid our son's age (3 months different) and they've truly become best friends. After all the moving I went through as a kid, it's really important to me my kids have as much stability in their lives. I'm just wondering if these plans wild orchid and bassman are concocting is NRE driven rather than practical, reality driven.

This gets me to wondering are bassman and I growing apart? Are our short term goals and long term goals no longer similar? Mine haven't really changed much. The reality we have is it's going to be over 15 years before the youngest is off as an adult. I'm tired of the unknown - the financially unknown. I frickin' need serious stability in this area since the last 21 years has been chaotic nonsense. I guess if we do grow apart in our dreams only time will tell.

Big sigh just now getting that off my chest, out of my head. It's here, documented and recorded for me to reflect on. Gosh I just really wish Bassman would follow through and discuss these things with me. How many more will come about? Oh well...it's the only way to grow, I guess.
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Old 07-15-2014, 04:45 AM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Default My last post on this blog

It's been quite tumultuous around here. The weekend was long with tons of grieving. I haven't had much time with bassman all last week. He needed the weekend for thinking, me for crying. Sunday we went over a ton of things: resentment, not forgiving truly letting go of bad things, things we felt were hurts to each other, so much stuff. Then we said we'd start fresh, over again.

I requested to have tonight with him. He didn't see how I should have that need. Today talked with wild orchid, not going to say anything I feel or think about that and my intuition on the conversation. Bassman "agreed" to spend tonight with me.

Alas, it was obvious, dreadfully, gut wrenching obvious, he'd given up on us. I told him as much, told him, with tears, we need to let go. He's not in it and I'm not going to sit anymore and just take the minute affection he's able to provide. I won't be in a fake marriage (will never marry again), I won't pretend it's "ok" and let myself just continue to die inside.

So this is my last post of this blog. I will begin a new one, hopefully, with a happier tale.
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