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  #101  
Old 05-01-2014, 11:23 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Originally Posted by swirlingnurse View Post
Hope that back is getting better! Cool you are having fun with the young dudes in addition to Bassman and Wild Orchid
Thank you for asking!

My back was back to normal Monday this week. And that's partly due to a 6 hour road trip to Olympia for a soccer tournament on Friday and a little over 5 hours heading back home on Sunday night (yeah I'm a speed demon...I drove back home since I took Monday off and bassman had to work at 6:30 am...didn't leave Oly until 7pm).

So Monday...took princess to daycare (they charge me whether she goes or not) and just did absolutely NOTHING but relaxed and napped all day long. That is what my back needed. I was so exhausted, I wanted to update my blog, but just couldn't get myself into it. I did post on a few threads...but just not in a mental place to think about everything that I wanted to share.

So teen's team took second in their division. Friday they won 5-0 (if they had lost they were done and everybody would have headed back here to N Idaho except for us...visiting and staying with my mom). Saturday it was tied 1-1, so it went into PK (penalty kicks) and they won by 1! That was quite intense. And Sunday was the finals...tied 1-1, went into 5 minutes OT halfs, still tied 1-1 and finally PK's...lost by 1 .

But the girls I believe felt some sort of redemption Sunday. They've played that team 3 times in the last month. First time was a morning game and lost 0-2. Later that day, played them again and lost 0-8. And for the qualifies for this tournament, lost to them 0-2. So yeah...they didn't get first but did show that even with having a coach who quit on them 2 weeks prior and having one coach at practices but 2 different ones at this tournament...they are pretty awesome soccer players.

Being back in Oly was fun...as it was Art's Walk...will need to ask Kevin if he and his V checked it out at all. Okay...I'll leave adult time in downtown Oly for another post.
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  #102  
Old 05-04-2014, 06:44 PM
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Well mechanic had me over Friday night. We had sexy times right away. It had been since Feb when we last met up. But, this time was different for me. I really enjoy having sex with him. But I am not stimulated intellectually. Yet I do enjoy his mellowness. For being on the brink of 23, he's very laid back. This time I was the one to fall asleep first. Cuddling was nice and him waking when I had to leave and asking me to text him when I got home was a change. I don't anticipate experiencing NRE with mechanic. Appears that was killed many months ago.

Hook was to meet me late last night. Last minute he couldn't get away. And maybe it's Hook, how he says things to me, almost worship like of a goddess, that's got my panties in a tither which affected me when I was with mechanic. There is definitely a difference between 20 years and one year for me.

And Hook, starting at midnight Friday throughout all day yesterday he took selfies (only one R rated pic) and sent to me. Boy is he gaga. Well today will be 4 weeks since we met. Keeping my fingers crossed he is able to make time for me today before he heads out of town tomorrow.

Finally, I've been messaged by a poly guy on okc. I have had a few in the last 7 or so months but a few have been to be some sort of "unicorn" for them, the couples, and that one dude I met, who got angry at me when I just bluntly told him I wasn't attracted to him. Been thinking about it. I was physically attracted, why I agreed to meet, but the personality, just lacking. Then when he started telling me about his soon to be ex, his cheating, that he could be poly but might not be...and the final straw...asked me if I'd have his kid...that blew it for him.

Yet I've been yearning to meet a poly guy. These single or dadt married guys, well they say they get it, but I'm not sure they do. So this cutie poly naturalist (yeah ) contacted me on Friday on okc. Did mention the distance. Post Falls to Seattle is about a 4-5 hour drive, but less than one by plane, and wanted to get to know me more as he found me quite attractive. He also said when and if there is a connection and if we want to meet, he'd come visit me.

I replied back and gave him some info on me. He's planning to write back tomorrow he said this morning. Sounds like it's going to not be a short little message. He sounds great actually. We have an 87% match, 11% enemy and we both 5 starred each other. He's been poly since he was a teen. He plays the drums...bonus since bassman plays the bass (potential guy bonding as well). He wants to be a naturopathic doctor (is in school) and owning a sustainable, holistically operating farm. This coincides with what wild orchid, her hub, basssman have been discussing on communal living (I'm not 100% on board with this at this time in my life) some point in the future.

I don't mind ldr, but it has to be a sustainable ldr. Meaning, for me, that we commit to communicate with each other, continue to get to know each other and set aside time during the week to do face two face time either via skype or yahoo. And I can't be the only side trying to keep the interaction going (as what happened with wonderboy). I truly do loose my interest if it is not reciprocated.

Speaking of that...I sent Hook a text on Thursday just telling him "just let me know if you don't want to see me, it's fine". His immediate response (nothing like getting a guy to get back to you right away instead of when ever) was "Why do you say that? do I give off that impression"? My response back was and it was true...felt physical stuff like a weird coldness, kinda hard to explain..."No I just got a weird feeling today. I'm so into you. Guess seeing you delete our conversation on POF kinda weirded me out". He said back "I dig you your a good woman too! No worries gorgeous, i've just been on the go 24/7. you could send new pics tho lol. I love to marvel at your body. yummy".

So I just need to patient with Hook and accept that this potential relationship will be random meetings and will be a long road ahead of us. No NRE but definitely a huge potential to be one I'd love at some point in time. He still gives me pitter patters and when he sends me selfies...I'm just all gaga.

I need to give up redbulls. Had a major headache this morning. Or as I read on some other threads...periomenopausal (guess I could google the correct spelling but I'm sure someone will post it for me)...or it's allergies or who knows. Not sure about the pre-menopause since I have the mirena iud in and had my last period (regular to the day since it was put in in August) in January. I did have light one hour spot bleeding last month, but that's it. Kinda nice actually. Went in a few weeks ago to get the string snipped a little. bassman has been able to feel it and hook noticed it too. What was weird after having it snipped, is I was really sensitive on my cervix for a week. Sex was mildly painful...just the wrong direction in a thrust and it was an ouch. Much better this week though. The headaches...I had been thinking it was allergies and maybe it is. But today was bad..and as soon as I had three sips of my coffee, viola gone. I am drinking more water but still not as much as I'd like.

There is so much I want to do but don't seem to have the time. That will free up here soon as the Teen's soccer practices change and become regular. She has a fitness plan for me and her and we both would like to get it going and soon. I wish our gym was open longer than it is. We didn't go to a 24 hour one (maybe we should have) but to our local Kroc Center. They have childcare, swimming, teen play room, huge basketball courts, etc and to have a family of 5 as members is $63 a month. Can't beat that anywhere and even to just have one or two memberships elsewhere it'd cost us more than that.

Next obstacle to attack is time management. I think the best way to start is get the school calendar down and utilize that at first for a "big picture visualization". Then we (the teen, bassman and I) can figure out our true free times.

Had a great chat with wild orchid yesterday. It's interesting, if bassman brings up "communual living" my defenses go up and I feel "pressure" about to come from him. When talking about it with her...I can be completely honest about my hesitation and realization that I am at a "me mode" (gave the description of how a 3 year old is all about "mine") and that as far as my living environment, I'm thus said 3 year old. It could be a possessive "mine" but I think it's a my home, my world, my solitude place where I don't have to worry about others besides my kiddos. My sanctuary actually. I'm not ready to give that up. Funny...over 20 years ago...had we known we were poly and met other who wanted to communal live...I would have jumped on it in a heartbeat. I don't think my intrinsic values have changed, but that I've gotten set in my ways. And as I know for a fact: When one is forced to change whether it's a way to prepare a tax return (going from paper preparation to paperless), changing jobs, moving to new homes, etc, it takes awhile to accept the change is needed but in the end....that change was so much more effective/beneficial.

Today is share the laptop day. Teen needs to write an essay and I have some work to make up. I have so much I want to write today too. There's plenty time for that.

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 05-04-2014 at 06:50 PM.
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  #103  
Old 05-05-2014, 03:42 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
...periomenopausal (guess I could google the correct spelling but I'm sure someone will post it for me)...
It's "perimenopausal"...very close . And the Mirena IUD is a fine way to ride out the period weirdness that goes along with it. (i.e. no, or very light, periods instead of random bleeding that can be lighter or heavier that usual and keeps its own schedule).

I'm very much enjoying your blog! So much going on, and such a level-head about it...thank you for sharing.

I have a lot of (unrealized) ideas about my ideal of communal living - which involves ideals about personal items/space and shared items/space. (i.e. I don't care if my extension ladder is "communal" - my vibrator belongs to me ... and can only be used by invitation. Anyone can cook in the kitchen but only my "circle" can sleep in my bed...etc.). My home is my sanctuary as well - but I can define my "home" as circumstances arise.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-05-2014 at 04:19 AM.
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  #104  
Old 05-08-2014, 07:14 PM
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words: comperting - made it up in the shower when I was thinking about bassman's plans to go camping with wild orchid for her birthday. It's the act of compersion.

I had another one...made up (learned that from my High School Shakespeare class - we created words and wrote stories with those words) but it's escaped me now. Maybe I'll remember it the second I close my internet.

Life is good...lots of comperting going on, all the way around. Bassman had a break through with me...read me an email he sent Wild Orchid Friday night (the night I had an overnight date with the mechanic). I could sense his struggle but he didn't ask to discuss before I left. He wrote to wild orchid (she was out of town, so made his struggle a bit harder) (not exactly what he read but my recall) that he was struggling with me heading to the mechanic's and usually when he's with her he believes he'll have no issue of me seeing someone. He found out that he does have issues but has now discovered writing it out helps him process and was much loving to me when I came home the next day. So I'm not the only one in this V who encounters "issues". Kinda feels nice actually that I'm not emotional crazy lady here.

So overnight date with mechanic happened was on Friday and a brief encounter with Hook occurred Sunday. I did share a pic of him with BlueBird on fb. He is very intense. Sad though, he is going into the fwb category. I need a consistent relationship with another. And...possibly will be meeting a poly guy (26 years old) in the next few weeks, I call him Wolf. The poly guy from Seattle. We've been talking since Friday last week...and it is so refreshing to actually have a real conversation and not just trying to weed out the guys who want a milf or feel like I have an okc profile because my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually (lol bassman does a marvelous job of satisfying me).

Ok...I was just going to post my created vocabulary...I get sidetracked the second I start typing, don't I?

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 05-08-2014 at 07:16 PM.
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  #105  
Old 05-08-2014, 11:35 PM
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Wolf is coming to visit Memorial Day Weekend and guess what? It's going to be a polycue with kids camping retreat. It'll be our first time meeting and he'll basically be as wild orchid said in a text to me "baptism by fire". Not only will he be meeting me for the first time, but we'll be spending a weekend with bassman, wild orchid, her hub and her hub's girlfriend and with kids from all of the V's.
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  #106  
Old 05-09-2014, 11:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
It's "perimenopausal"...very close . And the Mirena IUD is a fine way to ride out the period weirdness that goes along with it. (i.e. no, or very light, periods instead of random bleeding that can be lighter or heavier that usual and keeps its own schedule).

I'm very much enjoying your blog! So much going on, and such a level-head about it...thank you for sharing.

I have a lot of (unrealized) ideas about my ideal of communal living - which involves ideals about personal items/space and shared items/space. (i.e. I don't care if my extension ladder is "communal" - my vibrator belongs to me ... and can only be used by invitation. Anyone can cook in the kitchen but only my "circle" can sleep in my bed...etc.). My home is my sanctuary as well - but I can define my "home" as circumstances arise.
Jane - thank you for the word correction. And thank you for reading. At times I feel like a drama queen...but that's the conversation in my head before I speak to any one person in person.

I agree with the "mine" concepts you posted above. I think for me as long as I have "my space", I'll be plenty happy no matter what my home environment entailed.
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  #107  
Old 05-09-2014, 11:56 PM
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Wolf will be coming to meet me next weekend instead of memorial weekend. I'm glad too. I prefer my first time meeting one where we can actually have one-on-one time together.
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  #108  
Old 05-18-2014, 06:00 PM
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So last weekend I had some emotional trauma that began Friday night and escalated Monday evening. I have discovered I am vulnerable to degrading tones and anger directed at me. What I've worked so hard not to give into I did, I threw punches and hated myself immediately afterwards for succumbing to animal internal instincts. I have no idea if it is nature or nurture: was I born with the quick angering reaction or is it learned, learned from my maternal side? I grew up with violence and in relationships would get angry and upset but until I dated my husband, the physical reacting side was always held at bay. Over the years I have learned to not go that route, although, here and there, I do go off the wagon, so to speak. To me reacting with anger is no different than an alcoholic or a drug addict. I had seen a psychologist back in 2001 since I had a break down and ended up in a mental hospital. That time I directed the anger, the pain and violence towards myself. I warned bassman if he took me to the ER I will be taken away. He didn't believe me. But it was good I did go away, only briefly. I spent two nights there, arriving on Monday around midnight and was released, probably too early, Wednesday morning. I was diagnosed with possible borderline personality disorder. Yep "possible", not quite but maybe this is what is wrong with you. On top of that, due to a short split between bassman and I (he had moved out a week beforehand bad stuff kinda happening - him almost cheating and me, I was still continuing an infrequent affair with a former co-worker--I quit the job to further my career rather than working as a bookkeeper in the basement of a restaurant in Portland OR) that wasn't the last one for us (none since 2002 actually), the doctor's in the mental hospital said I was grieving, grieving at what my heart and mind considered the end of my marriage. There's more on my side of things but that's for another day. I refuse to bring up the old to excuse the new, for me and for bassman.

So I hit him in the face once and a few times on his chest/arms. Once I calmed down, it felt to me like I completely gave into manipulation. The tables were turned on me and all of a sudden I was the bad guy, by asking for help in a public forum. I aired our dirty laundry and was "criminal"-those words were never said to me, but what was made me feel "criminal". That's the problem with the old, established couple - they know each other so well, so well the instant a lie is told the other knows it, so well, that fucking with them is easy when emotions are fraught, the heart is torn in two and the mind, the mind is weak.

Tuesday he went on his overnight with Wild Orchid, Wednesday we were able to really talk and discuss. I finally found the words in me, the words I had been trying to say all these months I had been struggling, the words that woke him up from the defensive wall of nre to realize I was right and we did need some fixing since a part of us was and is broken:

"...it's just that (where standing outside on the porch) ever since last summer, we were really talking, sharing so much of our hearts and minds (ok this may not be word for word exactly what I said, but it's as close to being able to really clearly writing what was said) that ever since you started dating wild orchid, we don't talk about "us"...it's like there is no more "us".

He got up from the chair, walked to me, hugged me big and deep, apologized and said "You're right".

Whew (forearm wipes off forehead)! Finally...and I apologized for not being able to really say what I have been trying to explain all this time. He read my list of what's wrong with us on Thursday and agrees with most of the 13 things (except only showing me attention through sexual displays). So it's now two Sundays from the yucky Friday and a lot has changed.

During this whole time, even that Friday night, I had been chatting with Wolfe. He'd ask me strange questions and although I'm into healthier to ourselves and the planet living, he has a medical condition (no name for it) were elctromagnetic things affect his heart, asked what I felt were too many questions about my teen daughter that I had never been asked before by any potential date (actually never really asked about a specific kid of mine ever) and we did discuss co-habitation (he asked it and was the one to bring it up) and I explained it wouldn't be for quite some time after "falling in love" that I would even consider the idea. I got the feeling from him based on history he told me that he tends to find couples to live with. I don't even think he realizes he might do that.

So this weekend the plan was for Wolfe to arrive on Friday, bassman would take princess and pnutt to wild orcid's home for the weekend, teen was to stay the night at a friends (she never did follow through with that) and I'd have my home free to really get to know this person. Then Thursday comes and all day, I'm feeling anxiety. Told bassman in a text and he thought it was just nervousness but it wasn't. I finally realized, trust your gut lady. I yahoo'd Wolfe to tell him, in a nice, friendly way (I hope) that basically I didn't think he should drive 6 hours to meet me the next day. Tried kindly to not come right out and say "I think you're a hypochondriac and I don't have the energy to be a "care taker" (a question he had asked me the day befoe). Well as typical with rejection, he questioned me about some of my answers and tried to put me on the spot (another indication not a person I want to be in a relationship with) not realizing as we came closer to meeting I told him we'd have to first meet somewhere outside of my home. His response "i'm not driving 5-6 hours to just turn around". This was a HUGE red flag for me.

The outcome of Wolfe - in discussing with Bassman, I want as well as he, for me to tell him about the guys I'm talking with, maybe what we're discussing (yes this was the first that wasn't all about sex so I felt yeah...a cool dude {and he probably is, just not boyfriend material}. Oh another thing, when I told Wolfe that at this time, with what I've been going through emotionally with my relationship with bassman, that I felt it healthy for me to not start something new, something serious. The response to that "That's not very poly". Good gawd, really? Is it an age thing that elicits that type of response? Trying to make me justify whether I am poly or not. Remember Wolfe is 26. I don't believe or have seen proof in anything in life there is always one right way to do something (i do admit i am guilty of this way of thinking regarding dishes, house cleaning, how to do taxes but as far as relationships, we're each individuals with different QUIRKS that don't allow for a 1984 George Orwell reality. And that one way of being, it didn't even work in that novel either because we are individual free thinking beings).

So Friday we kept the plans of going to Wild Orchid's (bassman didn't do his Thursday overnight) in play. She and I text'd most of the dealing with my needs, what can be done for me to feel whole. Gawd I get sidetracked a lot. But that's also because life is so intertwined that one things affects another (as in wild orchid's hub causing her hurt, which she made a request of bassman, who in turn made a choice not to discuss with me and decided in that moment to not tell me the truth and worry the fuck out of me all night that Friday night) so even as I write I'm still as "circular" in my thoughts as I was in college.

cont next thread:
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  #109  
Old 05-18-2014, 06:00 PM
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cont from previous thread:

She and I also discussed the goals of when she'd pickbup bassman and pnutt from the house and then princess from daycare on the way out of town (remember they live about 45 minutes from us, wild orchid and her family). Pnutt was struggling with being away from me for the night, a bit in tears. Guess What? He's still there today even though dad and sis came home yesterday. So wild orchid's husband's girlfriend and her two boys (one close to pnutt's age) moved in with them some weeks ago. Pnutt was having a blast and wild orchid's, or one of them, best friend stayed over with her 10 year old daughter. So Pnutt had some awesome bonding time with young ones and wild orchid too. I love that she loves my family, love me even if I've been a freak at times.

Poor princess, she was missing her bro so much. Kept telling me to tell wild orchid to bring him home. So awesome though, to see how much my children love each other, love their dad, love our new friend and her family and me too.

This left the teen and I alone for the first time in a long time. Definite mom and daughter bonding time. We went and worked out at the gym (I haven't been since November-surgery in Dec, working too much in Feb to mid Apr) for 1.5 hours. Next we decided to go out to the awesome Capone's in Post Falls. Usually bassman and I would go there during tax season on our date night (there are two other locations in the area, we'd check out the Coeur d'Alene - CDA -one too). My girl and I are so goofy. Parking lot is full so I drive around looking for a spot on the street for parking, zilch. We take off down the road to head to the CDA one and realize, lets just turn around and head back. We get a sweet parking spot, walk in and the hostess (they don't have them sun to thurs) gets us a table immdiately. Teen and I talk and laugh, I drink two margarita's on the rocks and since I'm a light weight, she drives us home! We watched some SuperNatural until we both were falling asleep. She had the last soccer game of the spring season (club soccer) the next morning. It was strange, just quiet and calm in the home. I really needed that.


Right now I am healing, feeling a bit happy about my life as far as changes that have occurred even with the pain that brought them about. Bassman and I are working on our "weaknesses" and "strengths" too. Today wild orchid is returning pnutt and that worked great since she and I made a date to spend one-on-one time with each other. She just texted that this "co-habitation" (she is co-habitating with hub's girlfriend's family) is great for her lawn (they have a large in ground pool and hot tub...big property). So all-in-all a great weekend for all in what this new family (as I am starting to consider wild orchid's) dynamic is evolving to. I won't be moving nor will I move my kids right now, at least for over two years. I refuse, unless it's for an awesome paying job, to move teen before high school graduation (3 Junes from now) and depending on how pnutt is doing in school and has friends, I don't want to move him to another home, location. I just think about how my brother turned out...a bit off, a bit in jail, hanging with the wrong crowd, being with a friend who killed someone...just not ready to fuck with a soon to be teen boy's life that much. And it happened to bassman, getting moved around that age (no killings or anything with him, do realize my brother is an extreme case).

Me and dating - for now I still have my okc profile up but am not actively looking anymore. I will update in a new thread my realization on dating and looking for love soon.
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  #110  
Old 05-25-2014, 07:15 PM
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To those whom I may write about here in my blog: this is my place to write my thoughts, anxieties, worries, joys, etc. It is my interpretation of our involvement together, whether it be virtual or real life, this is my journal so to speak. Please respect it as such and realize this is my "reality" even if it conflicts with your memory of your "reality".

I don't handle "breaking up" or "breaking off" a connection well. The reality is I have the "right" to decide whom I want in my life and whom I don't want in it. Same for them.

Disconnecting myself from Wolfe, I handled terribly. But the essence was that even though I felt a connection, able to chat etc, I wasn't feeling the connection I am truly seeking. I am sorry I hurt and offended you here. I only request you let it go and move on. Maybe I interpreted your words wrong or your intent wrong. I apologize for that.

To my metamour's spouse - there was no intent to hurt you. It was just an observation and a comparison of "issues" we were going through and how we were handling them.

Bassman - I love you silly goose. Yes I may write on subjects you don't appreciate here. Remember, it's a journal, anonymous where only those who know us will read this and if they judge, then do you need them in your life? We are children at heart, trying to be adults and learning the ways to make our new life, not even a year old, work and be fluid and happy and joyful all at the same time.

Wild Orchid - thank you for your empathy, your love and your compassion. I feel truly blessed bassman fell in love with you. When's our next date?

So last I wrote I had a sort of "epiphany" last weekend on dating and looking for love: are you ready?

At first I was "out" on okc looking for a lover but that's been such a challenge and hasn't really worked out. I realized why...at least since bassman started seeing wild orchid. I had been trying so hard, too hard actually, to have what they have together. I haven't been allowing myself to just be me, but actively searching, talking, exerting too much energy on guys who mislead me, telling me they are totally fine with poly, to only really discover, I'm just a fuck for them. And that isn't what I've wanted. So I tried harder weeding them out..with really no luck. Even chatting with poly guys has been a facade - I was trying so desperately to attain what has been unattainable. And like when we tried to have a kid...no luck...as soon as I said to myself "oh fuck it I give up"...I got pregnant. So I said "oh fuck, I give up on searching and exerting my energy...getting trained by interacting with others desperately wanting what isn't there and I'm tired of settling for not a perfect connection, but a possible connection".

That is all done and gone. And during this time of figuring this shit out about myself, I have stopped contact with Hook and have been in contact, daily, but not a lot of frequency with a poly guy 4 hours east of me, who is a Master (yes I have decided this is truly where my needs lie...my interest in kink and where I fall in the spectrum of bdsm).

Hook - he is a cheater. I spent the weeks between my first meeting him and my second encounter determining (he admitted to me when we first met he is married) if this is a path I wanted to journey on. Awesome the forum started having tons of posts on this specific issue. Charma is so true...

I asked him last time we met if he'd ever discuss opening his marriage with his wife. A flat, angry NO was said to me. He was hot, he was sexy but he was lying to his wife and cheating. Not for me...so I never contacted him again nor he me.

So what do I call this new ldr guy? Hmm...I could use his name from okc or fetlife, but we are no where to a committed relationship. I do know he's very interested in me, inviting me to visit, and invited me and bassman to his kinky campout this weekend (we did not go, bassman is working). During this amazing kinkster weekend he continues to text me which I think is absolutely awesome since when I first contacted him about my confusion of where I lay on the spectrum of D/s or Switch...he upfront stated he had no time for a full time slave. But his curiosity of me - from that one message on okc and me not texting him...he saw me love a few pics of his on fet and checked me out there. So that was around about the same time I started interacting with Wolfe. This new guy is not why I felt anxiety about meeting Wolfe, but my realization, that a relationship, based on our chats, with Wolfe was not what I want at this time in my life.

Which also relates to the concept of "communal" living. I described it to wild orchid as a three year old and the word "mine". My home, my space, my world...I'm not there yet if letting those "mines" go. I will be, again - felt this way in my teens and pre-marriage - but at my pace, my growth intellectually, emotionally and physically. I feel I've come quite a long way so far since the end of July and more so since October.

I've been rampant with thoughts of "how is this fair"? Things I've wanted to do for years and years, never done, with bassman and now he's doing them with wild orchid. How does one get over this? It's not competition but a feeling of "really, why can you do this now but never before". Bottom line - it's a money thing, silly money thing. We've never had the finances for such activities. And as I've grown in the last few weeks, I still get a niggling of jealousy or envy - they are different but so much the same - and realize this is just how it will be and I've accepted that. It's fair and it's not about who bassman prefers to do this stuff with, it's more a matter of just being able to. And for a couple, together for years, with kids..ranging many years in ages, we as a couple do not get this time alone with each other, hardly ever. And the benefit of poly - is those activities limited by parenting responsibility, can now be pursued with our other loves.

I actually brought this up when bassman told me their plans for monday. going kayaking - and guess what, lol, bassman felt I was upset...when we are working on tearing down those defenses of assumptions...no I wasn't upset but pointing out the fact I've wanted to do that since we started dating and telling me we'll do it sometime soon, well that's not what I was asking. That makes me feel second...but accepting that for both of us, we will do things/activities with other loves that we won't be doing with each other. Breaking that mold of monogamy and vows and promises we made many years ago. And that's okay...we've changed, we're poly and moving forward with acceptance and joy. Bassman, feeling defensive, said "you'll be doing bdsm stuff with this new guy" and he's right I will and won't be with him. And that was the point I was trying to make. That I had issues of their activities and not getting to do them with him. Finally agreement and the ability to move forward as poly peeps.

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 05-25-2014 at 07:19 PM. Reason: spelling
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