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  #21  
Old 08-30-2013, 04:45 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
... no use telling your partner your username is 'Warhammer' and have a blog on here called 'Warhammer's Poly drama' and not expect your partner/s to read it if they come across it.
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
LOL, that's true.
Really? If I don't trust them enough to tell them my username on a site and expect them to respect my request to not read it...then they would hardly qualify as "partner" by MY criteria. They would then qualify as "some random person that I have shared stuff with who obviously doesn't give a fuck about me" (in which case why in the world would I have given them this info?) - and no longer worthy of my attention, let alone my affection. This might be a good weaning tool...

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #22  
Old 08-30-2013, 05:32 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Really? If I don't trust them enough to tell them my username on a site and expect them to respect my request to not read it..

JaneQ
Please note, I wrote nothing about a 'do not read request' though personally I think it is a dick move to tell them that you have a blog and everyone and their Uncle Harry can read it but not you (oh great love of my life that you are,,,,,)!!!
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  #23  
Old 08-30-2013, 08:13 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
personally I think it is a dick move to tell them that you have a blog and everyone and their Uncle Harry can read it but not you (oh great love of my life that you are,,,,,)!!!
To me, it makes sense to request partners not to read your blog. I write out my shadows on my blog. I'm writing about my relationships, and sometimes difficult emotions. There have been times when I've blogged here about something to get to figure what it is that I need or want, and what it is that I need to say to my partners.

One of the reasons that I think this forum, and especially the blogs, are important is that non-monogamy is still a largely unseen practice, and most of us don't have many models of it in our physical neighbourhoods.

I want to blog on these public forums to share the "back end" of my relationship life, as just one example of how this shit works or doesn't.

I also like blogging here for the community of folks. And the opportunity to write and chronicle.

I mean, this isn't unique or earth-shattering stuff. May be pretty obvious. My point is that some of these aims could possibly be better met if I was able to create a more "private" public space. Is that such a dick move?

I'm with JaneQ... I'd expect partners to be able to respect my spaces if I asked them to. But perhaps it's about why you're making the request? I'd say my request was pretty reasonable, and I know my partners would agree.
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  #24  
Old 08-30-2013, 08:38 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Let me clarify my point.

Firstly, I am a blogger, I have blogged all my business. So, this is totally applicable to me.

Secondly, I definitely appreciate the reasons you put down for blogging as that is how I feel too...

Buuuuut, I have in the past felt pressure by a (former) partner to change what I wrote in my personal blog because she was unhappy with something I wrote. This made me very unhappy and restricted and for that reason I would have preferred if she had never known about the blog (note, this was not a problem with other partner who is more wont to use things I write as a step off for discussion).

I wouldn't ask other partner not to read my blog, he already knows it exists and I don't think it is fair to say 'hey dude, I have this blog, in it I write about our relationship, how I am feeling and what currently pisses me off about you, other people read it and sometimes offer support or suggestions but don't read it'
That to me is a bit (lot) cruel....but I accept some people feel that is a totally valid thing to say to a partner but I don't. If I want to have a private space than I will have a private space without dangling my 'Warhammer' blog in front of them like Pandora's box.

I suppose some people might think it is dishonest to have a blog/space that your partner/s do not know about, but I don't because I am an individual with a right to a certain level of privacy but I need not be a dick about it.
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  #25  
Old 08-30-2013, 09:02 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post

I wouldn't ask other partner not to read my blog, he already knows it exists and I don't think it is fair to say 'hey dude, I have this blog, in it I write about our relationship, how I am feeling and what currently pisses me off about you, other people read it and sometimes offer support or suggestions but don't read it'
That to me is a bit (lot) cruel....but I accept some people feel that is a totally valid thing to say to a partner but I don't. If I want to have a private space than I will have a private space without dangling my 'Warhammer' blog in front of them like Pandora's box.
Ah, k. Seems we basically agree apart from the dickish dangling aspect. I guess a lot depends on how it's done and what your partners are like.

If I have cookies and I don't want my partner to eat those cookies, one particular partner may prefer not to know about the cookies at all. Another wouldn't mind knowing about the cookies, but would prefer if I hid them. Another may be quite able to avoid eating the cookies, even if they were left freshly baked on the kitchen table.

To me, the only dickish move, regardless of partner, would be teasingly scarfing the cookies in front of them, or waving it under their nose, or in front of their mouths. That would just be annoying.
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  #26  
Old 08-30-2013, 10:06 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post

To me, the only dickish move, regardless of partner, would be teasingly scarfing the cookies in front of them, or waving it under their nose, or in front of their mouths. That would just be annoying.
I think the definition of "waving it under their nose" might cause some difficulty.
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  #27  
Old 08-30-2013, 03:18 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Interesting questions. I suppose I could wear a few hats about it.

a) I am not sure I would blog stuff I want to keep from my partners publicly. It just seems counter intuitive unless you lock down your blog and do invite only. I guess being in the career I am in, if you are online, its public.. period. Privacy is simply a falsehood
b) Is a blog equal to a diary, and heck does that matter. I am not sure, I never believed in the effectiveness of diaries. Again, they were only as private as the people wanting to see it
c) Is it polite to write down information about your partner(s) publicly and not let them review it. This gets sticky. I believe you might have to get permission simply because privacy is so individual. You may appreciate blogging, but your partner may hate it. Thats their right to be left out of the discussion. IMHO. This isn't like counselling where there is an expectation of privacy.. this is the internet. (I have similar opinions on sharing details in a poly relationship. You may have the expectation of disclosure because of your choice, but the people you are disclosing about have a right to control information about them, its only polite)

All that said, I err on the side of caution. I speak about myself now, I didn't always. I also tend to view history. Several years online and poly I see and have seen most of the worst times partially being caused by one partner deciding to communicate with the world the problems of their relationship vs just communicating with their partner. I cringe reading some peoples disclosure and know that I would be annoyed or pissed if I were their partners. And it has happened to me in reverse where I said too much without clearly identifying the boundary.

So, like I said, I just don't. In fact its part of why I went from posting tonnes to posting nothing and now, post a bit. Unless I can relate directly to the problem, I dont try to relay or discuss other peoples stories or emotions. I "try" to avoid speaking for other peoples emotions, situations, problems, feelings. Thats a difficult line to walk..

I work hard to respect my partners right to feel respected. That guides my relationships more than anything.
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  #28  
Old 08-30-2013, 03:26 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I kind of jumped topics, sorry about that, hadn't finished my coffee. If I had a blog, I would let them read. As I explained in the previous post, the blog would be about my feelings, and I would not post about their(s) or assumptions about their positions. That would avoid most uncomfortable situations.

Half the reason I don't blog anymore, is because we discuss everything. No need for me to emotionally fill pages when I can go to my partners. Definitely specific to me since blogging, when I did it, was a way to clear my head and think through problems.

Oh I do have a professional blog.. thats definitely something they read since it applies to their jobs too. Although its a private blog for a university course load where I am the guest professional..
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  #29  
Old 09-05-2013, 09:20 PM
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ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
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I can only speak for myself and I applaud whatever works for any of you.~

It's in my nature to be brutally and un-held-back honest with everything.~

Although when it comes to people who are not my lovers I respect what they do or don't want to talk about and other preferences they may have within my own reasoning.

When it comes to my lovers however, if they can't handle how brutally honest and open I am about EVERYTHING, then they are not ok with "me" as a person.~ That's ok, I will always welcome them back in to my life if they ever change their mind.~ My love is eternal, my friendship everlasting.~

I have a blog on Tumblr and I am fully aware that it is public for everyone to see and I am PROUD of it!~

I also have a very detailed long profile on OkCupid and I am also fully aware that it is also public for everyone to see and I am PROUD of it to!~

I hold no punches and I do not censor myself, for someone to love me they would have to love "me" totally, completely, and purely.~

If they have questions about the things I post or look at online, go ahead and ask.~

I am not what you call a "private" person, I am the kind of person who screams in public not caring who learns about the problems in my life.~

That's just me though, I again applaud whatever you all have found that works for you.~

Last edited by ColorsWolf; 09-05-2013 at 09:26 PM.
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  #30  
Old 09-06-2013, 03:55 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Whip knows my screen name here and the forum name. He can look it up and read if he wants to. I doubt he has though. He's just not something he is likely to do. I still try to write as if I was utterly anonymous. If he ever does read it, he knows he can ask me about what I wrote and we can talk about it. I never told Beaker about this account.

I did however change my screen name in various social media sites from ones similar to the one here to totally different ones. I did not want it to be easy to track my screen name across the sites and so triangulate my identity. Of course, if someone wanted to they could figure it out. But no need to make it easy.
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