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Old 11-04-2010, 06:14 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Default Your source of insecurity/jealousy

There was a thread about "how do you deal with insecurity?".
I thought I would create a thread about the "opposite": what causes the insecurity for you?

What's the basis behind your rules? What's making you feel safe, and why? I'm interested in knowing what is a big deal for other people.

As for me, what's bad is being left out. I would be comfortable with a big number of things if I can feel part of it. What hurts me is being lied to, having things hidden from me, and rarely if ever the things that were hidden from me themselves.

For instance, when Ian liked J, I took part in the courting, and I was very happy about it all. Had he insisted on leaving me out of it, I would have felt terrible about it.
I want to be kept informed of what happens and get an input. Just being told things makes me feel respected even if I have no influence on them. But it's even better if I'm asked for my opinion and feelings, then I feel truly important to my partners.

Insecurity would be caused by the fact I don't know what is going on. I think it all has to do with control, I like being in control, being prepared, and if I don't know what is going on at all, I just freak out.

What about you? What's most important to you?
Me: 32F, straight
Seamus: My husband, 33M, straight
Fox: My boyfriend, 30M, homoflexible
Dragon: Fox's husband (and my ex), 30M, pansexual
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Old 11-04-2010, 09:27 AM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Someone who treats Breathes right...doesn't cause him any grief & whom I can actually get along with.

The insecurities, disappointment and anger start when I feel either one of us is being lied to or the person is being rude.

For some reason rudeness is a huge, HUGE trigger for me. It doesn't matter what other qualities a person has, if they are rude they set me off which causes no end of trouble.
There are as many ways to do polyamory as there are people practicing it!
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Old 11-04-2010, 10:47 AM
Fayerweather Fayerweather is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 52

I think I'm on board with Tonberry. I don't like to feel left out or neglected. I like to be invited to get togethers, I like to be asked out on dates or told that I am important to my lovers.

Communication is also extremely important. When I don't text or talk to my partner's girlfriend for a while, I can start getting insecure, imagining that she's mad at me or is excluding me. My boyfriend at times has trouble telling me things he thinks I don't want to hear based on issues we had when we first opened our relationship, so sometimes he'll withhold information about a date or something he'd like to do with someone else out of fear of hurting me, which understandably hurts me way more than hearing it right up front

So yeah, being left out, feeling communication blocks or having information withheld from me or delayed in the telling can cause major insecurity issues with me.
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Old 11-04-2010, 01:51 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post

I thought I would create a thread about the "opposite": what causes the insecurity for you?
Grades 1 through 12.
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
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Old 11-04-2010, 02:00 PM
MyNameIsMaam MyNameIsMaam is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: AZ
Posts: 46

Fayerweather hit the nail on the head for me. All I can say is "ditto".

But, ImaginaryIllusion's version was funny too - though for me it was grades 9-12 that were pretty yucky.
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Old 11-04-2010, 03:16 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Not knowing the other person.

If I can love or appreciate the things my partner loves, then life goes much more smoothly!
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Old 11-04-2010, 05:43 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

I don't usually feel insecurity about the people I love. But when I have they can be broken down into categories

uncontrolled aspects of poly
uncontrolled aspects of a relationship structure

In my cases, insecurity comes about because of things I don't really have a say in.

Example 1 - we were with a girl and I knew it couldn't last. My insecurity was rampant because at any point she could just cut us off.
Example 2 - I feel insecurities about my emotions. I am scared to give parts of me over to people. I am worried they will see the real me and potentially run. I can't even connect dots on this one because I have never had this happen, it is something maybe I was born with. There are many things I am very very open with, but there are bits of me that only a few people know.
Example 3 - I feel insecurity based on my partners relationships and not having any control. Not that I want control but when I see something as bad, or know it will end badly. I don't have a say per se, but I can lay the information I see on the table. Thats a good thing but not actually having a say is painful sometimes. Veto power is what this relates to for me, and it can be used irresponsibly and in a hurtful manner which is why we don't have that rule on the table (amongst many others)

Insecurity also rears its ugly head in reverse. In order to protect myself my communication hits the shitter and I don't give enough information to my partner to make a decision together. Thereby controlling the situation by ignorance. This is something I am currently working on. Probably relates to number 2.

In all cases, I don't have a lot of rules (I can't think of any I have right now actually, besides safe sex, which shouldn't even really be considered a rule). I try my hardest to be open and communicate the good and the bad. Hopefully that helps keep everyone respectful and thoughtful.
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Old 11-04-2010, 06:20 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Location: In Redpepper's heart
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My insecurity is in not trusting the intentions of other people but I am getting better at it I think.

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
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Old 11-04-2010, 06:45 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Location: new england
Posts: 3,217

Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Grades 1 through 12.
Gym class:

"Form two teams. Hurry up. We're about to play some game with some ball that you've heard of on TV and we'll assume everybody already knows the rules, strategies, and who the league MVP's are. What? You've never played this before and you don't watch it on TV? Your parents should be ashamed that they aren't teaching you the skills you will need in order to become a functional and productive member of society."

Thank gaud it's over.
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Old 11-04-2010, 10:17 PM
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Selene Selene is offline
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: California
Posts: 28
Default the ties that bind...

For me, its the worry of being left out or being disliked. I have a bad habit of assuming the worst but I am trying to work on it. I also get worried that someone will be able to please Andulvar better than I can, due to certain physical limitations on my part.
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