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  #11  
Old 08-22-2013, 09:04 AM
london london is offline
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No, 4 months in and especially after you were originally the person my husband was cheating on me with, there wouldn't be a chance in hell of you being part of my son's life. Probably ever. Well I guess if I chose to forgive my husband, I'd have to make a clean slate, as it were, but still, 4 months, no way.
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  #12  
Old 08-22-2013, 08:26 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Im going to take a guess that the biggest issue is that you havent met A. My boyfriend spends time with me and my children, or me my spouse and children, and has stayed over at my house with me and my children with spouse away for the night. BUT my boyfriend and spouse are on very good terms, and very comfortable with each other. My spouse can feel confidant that BF is a good person, good with children, and particularly likes ours. My first suggestion would be smoothing things with the relationship with A more before spending much time with the couples son.
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  #13  
Old 08-22-2013, 08:29 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Honestly at 4 months there is no way I would be ok with someone doing a family outing with my children.

Murf didn't meet my kids until 6 months into our relationship. And that meeting was for an hour and the kids were focused on trick or treating. It had been rescheduled and the kids couldn't go if I didn't take them. Murf slowly was introduced into their regular routine.

I only after I knew he was a keeper and my husband was ok with it. First family outing was for my 6year Oldsmobile birthday a trip to the aquarium. And my husband was along.
This too. While my boyfriend and I have been togther 5 months or so, we;ve known each other for years and my children and spouse had met him before we ever dated
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  #14  
Old 08-22-2013, 11:47 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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In our family, going to the zoo isn't a family type outing; though we do go with family. Our son has also gone with friends, grandparents, and school. But each family is different. Runic Wolf, Wendigo, and I all took both of our kids to a local gaming convention a couple of years ago. Wendigo and I didn't display any PDA. It was the first time Wendigo had taken his son out to something like that, but we've taken ours to cons since he was a toddler. The only "family" outings on Wendigo's family are family reunions. He wouldn't dream of inviting us or our son to his wife's family reunions and I wouldn't invite him to mine because as much as Runic Wolf and I consider him family, those are for blood or marriage bonded members only.
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  #15  
Old 08-22-2013, 11:57 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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You were originally the mistress. You said you didn't know he had a wife? (Or is she his girlfriend?) Did you know at the time he had a son?

The wife is still coping with the facts that
  • her husband cheated on her, lied to her, and risked exposing her to anything he picked up without bothering to tell her. (Let me be VERY clear, I'm not saying anything about you--I'm telling you rather what it is to be in her shoes, to have NO idea what you're dealing with or what you've been exposed to because you can't actually believe anything your spouse says)
  • he's still seeing this woman. Again, if you didn't know he had a wife, none of that is your fault, but it's still painful to the cheated-on spouse.

Now, after only four months, you also want to build a relationship with her son.

No, on every level. Especially if she has any clue that your attitude is

Quote:
what's the big fucking deal?
It's her child. That's what the "big fucking deal" is. Her offspring. Her son. Another human being who's going to be affected by all this.

Kids are harmed by having a revolving cast of boyfriends/girlfriends in and out of their parents' and thus their own, lives.
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  #16  
Old 08-23-2013, 01:52 AM
baughb baughb is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
You were originally the mistress. You said you didn't know he had a wife? (Or is she his girlfriend?) Did you know at the time he had a son?

The wife is still coping with the facts that
  • her husband cheated on her, lied to her, and risked exposing her to anything he picked up without bothering to tell her. (Let me be VERY clear, I'm not saying anything about you--I'm telling you rather what it is to be in her shoes, to have NO idea what you're dealing with or what you've been exposed to because you can't actually believe anything your spouse says)
  • he's still seeing this woman. Again, if you didn't know he had a wife, none of that is your fault, but it's still painful to the cheated-on spouse.

Now, after only four months, you also want to build a relationship with her son.

No, on every level. Especially if she has any clue that your attitude is



It's her child. That's what the "big fucking deal" is. Her offspring. Her son. Another human being who's going to be affected by all this.

Kids are harmed by having a revolving cast of boyfriends/girlfriends in and out of their parents' and thus their own, lives.
He isn't married, and I had no idea he was lying to anyone. I absolutely get that she is dealing with a lot of negative emotions that are associated with me due to the past circumstances. It's a huge topic of discussion with R & I, as I am very much concerned with her stance on the situation.


"what's the big fucking deal" was an OVERsimplification of my though process, and perhaps maybe the wrong choice of words to you; it wasn't meant to downplay the fact that I DO understand the impact surroundings have on children. BUT, as a childless individual, it IS something that is extremely easy to forget think about, simply because I've never had to consider that perspective.


I realize that 4 months is a short time as well. The offer of an activity trip was meant more than anything to be a nice gesture. Yes, I would like at some point to have some kind of relationship with his son too, but it is something I will understand if A is not ok with the idea.

Reading the responsed have helped me to see that asking for opinions WAS a good idea because it has helped me to see the other perspectives I was overlooking.
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  #17  
Old 08-23-2013, 04:57 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Just call the gesture what it honestly is a chance to not miss out on seeing your boyfriend.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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  #18  
Old 08-23-2013, 05:45 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I think it is harsh to lay into a person with no children for inviting someone to bring their child along.
There's a country song that outlines how meaningful it is to single parents when potentials include the children in the invite. The dad he didnt have to be or some such.

Anyway-it is valid to express why as parents we may say no. But no cause to be unkind. She invited. The. She asked for enlightenment regarding the situation. If all people were so motivated to understand those who differ from them-how much nicer the world would be.
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  #19  
Old 08-23-2013, 09:29 AM
london london is offline
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I find it difficult to understand how the OP didn't acknowledge beforehand that a large amount of her concern might be focused around the fact her partner cheated on her. Add to that the fact that it's only been four months (which the OP did acknowledge), her saying no shouldn't have been a surprise, surely?
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  #20  
Old 08-23-2013, 03:45 PM
baughb baughb is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
I find it difficult to understand how the OP didn't acknowledge beforehand that a large amount of her concern might be focused around the fact her partner cheated on her. Add to that the fact that it's only been four months (which the OP did acknowledge), her saying no shouldn't have been a surprise, surely?
That's absolutely a fair question. The answer I think is because he's been very honest with me about any feelings or reservations she might have, and the whys. I figured if that if that was one of the larger reasons, I assumed he would have told me that. He knows that I am always open to hearing those things; it helps me understand. But he never did. I assume now after hearing all this feedbackthat she maybe just never said it to him, which could be why I never heard.

I am also at fault for overlooking it because I'm so high on NRE right now that yes, it is real easy for me to get wrapped up in it and remind myself, oh yeah... It's only been a short while.
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