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  #71  
Old 09-04-2013, 08:48 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
There is no reason to put anything in place that requires metamours to meet just because they might have something in common. Of course, they are into the same person, so they must have something, but that doesn't convince me that it's a reason why metamours need to meet. What I hear people saying most often is "you need to meet your metamours so you can vibe them out, and on the plus side, you might gain a new friend".
I make a point of learning a little bit about all the things my partners are interested. In my opinion, that's a nice thing to do when you love someone. That doesn't mean I'm going to become interested and learn everything about it, but it does mean that I'm going to make sure I'm exposed to it at least a little bit. I figure, if my partner has a passion for something, then they will feel nice when I show some interest in it. That's just a loving thing to do.

Now replace "thing" with "person" and you get a good argument for meeting metamours, which has nothing to do with sussing them out and deciding whether or not you approve. I support my partners. To me, support includes "not completely ignoring something they're passionate about."

Of course, some people choose to completely ignore any aspects of their partners' lives that they are not, a priori, interested in. That's a personal choice. But for me, someone who showed zero interest in at least learning a little bit about things I'm passionate about, whether or not they truly give a fuck, would have no place in my life.
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  #72  
Old 09-05-2013, 01:55 AM
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I choose to participate in a wide variety of activities I have no personal interest in-because my partners have personal interest in them.
USUALLY that participation is limited-not frequent. But sometimes in trying it out I find that it's a blast for me too and becomes common.

Likewise-I participate with my kids friends (and partners) and my siblings friends and partners (and kids) and my parents friends and partners.
Why on earth would I single out my metamours to avoid?
That's silly.

We have family gatherings on a regularly basis at our home of siblings, parents, close friends, grand kids, partners, etc. It's not unusual for guests to bring their friends or out of state visitors to the gathering. It would be HIGHLY BIZARRE to date someone and pointedly UNINVITE them. In fact it would be so bizarre the general community would likely point out the rudeness of doing so.
*general community-not "poly community"

There is no hard rule for us that metamours must meet. But-no one enters our home without being introduced to the people who live in our home. So if they want to spend quality time with one of us during activities when we need to be home-they will meet the rest of us.

If they don't want to meet any of us-that's ok-but they won't be hanging out in our home. It's not "my home" OR "his home" or "his home". It's my home AND his home AND his home (and Sweet Pea's home and Sour Pea's home).
We consider our home our sanctuary. It is my sanctuary. It is Sweet Pea's sanctuary. It is GG's sanctuary. Etc.
We all (children and adults alike) treat it as a sacred place for the safety and well being of anyone living in it. No one who makes the place unsafe is allowed. Period.

It doesn't take much to know how to keep it safe for the other members of the household.
I've had metamours who were welcome anytime without notice and while they are no longer metamours-the welcome stands.
I've had metamours who chose to have nothing to do with any of us except their immediate partner and as such didn't ever come here. That's fine too.

It really is about how much involvement THEY want with the rest of us. But it does impact how much involvement they will have with any of us too. If you want no involvement with Maca's job-you aren't going to see him for at bare minimum 40 hours a week and sometimes upwards of 6 weeks out of 8.
If you want no involvement with his work or his kids-you won't see him more than a couple of hours in any given week and probably not every week.
If you are willing to see him during work-you could see him every day at lunch.
If you are willing to see him with kids-you could see him every evening.
But if you are unwilling to see him if I am around-now you have limited yourself to Wednesday or Saturday evenings, Sunday mornings and lunch. Because-where he is the other times-is the same place I am.

Shrug.
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  #73  
Old 09-05-2013, 08:41 AM
london london is offline
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If someone comes to the house, sure you'd introduce them to people who are present. If someone new is coming to the home, the people who live there don't have to be there though. More often than not, I'd make sure my partner had quality time alone with his other partners. I certainly would make sure they had the house to themselves the first time someone came over.
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  #74  
Old 09-06-2013, 01:22 AM
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That would be a novel concept.
I haven't been alone in our house with EITHER of my partners in... shit.... over a year.

Do you have children?

Because we have collectively, 5 children. Only two are left living at home-but one is married-so with her husband included, that makes 6. Of the three+ spouse who don't live here, 2 are in and out at least 3 times a week. The grandsons are here at least 3 days a week as well-and which days rotates around.
My sister-who lived with us for years and frequently helps with the kids and grandkids has her own key-as do all of the kids...
Maca works days, GG works evenings-the kids are home schooled (so no-there isn't an "empty house" during school hours).

So-12 people who could potentially be in and out of the home-NOT INCLUDING ANY NEW POTENTIAL LOVERS........

Regardless of whether or not I chose to "make myself scarce" there is no way we could make sure that NO ONE was here.

I am laughing my ass off over the visuals. Privacy? Yeah-that went out with children. Privacy is a "in a room with a lock on it" concept and even then it's only VISUAL privacy-cause they can still HEAR anything you say or do in there.

So yeah-it's great if you can do that. But that reality isn't even POSSIBLE in our world and won't be for years.
We get couple time at a hotel a few times a year.
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  #75  
Old 09-06-2013, 01:25 AM
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Funny (true) story.

Maca and I thought we had the house to ourself a few months ago. The two youngest spent the night somewhere, GG was in town visiting friends. No grandkids to watch.

We decided to take advantage of the opportunity and cook breakfast naked. Something we haven't EVER been able to do at home. (we already had 3 kids when we got together).

So-naked as jaybirds-we start up the stairs. I reach the landing near the front door-and it flies open. My son-in-law and grandson coming through the door.
I scream-he screams.
I turn and run down the stairs.
He turns and runs out the front door.
I slam into Maca's naked body-as he's asking "WTF?"
He runs into our daughter on the porch as she's asking "WTF".

um yeah

There is no realistic chance that anyone-me, Maca, GG or any other person who doesn't live here in the first place is going to have the house to themselves.
If a new lover wants that kind of privacy-they can get a hotel room just like we have to.
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  #76  
Old 09-06-2013, 01:54 AM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
So-naked as jaybirds-we start up the stairs. I reach the landing near the front door-and it flies open. My son-in-law and grandson coming through the door.
I scream-he screams.
I turn and run down the stairs.
He turns and runs out the front door.
I slam into Maca's naked body-as he's asking "WTF?"
He runs into our daughter on the porch as she's asking "WTF".
As someone who walks around my apartment nude most of the time, I am cracking up!!!

Years and years ago, two friends of mine lived together as roommates. Two women (both straight). They shared the same small apartment for at least ten years and had become very comfortable walking around the apartment naked. One day, they're both in their living room, with both happening to be naked at the time, when one of them looked out the window to the back alley. Across the way, there was a window to another apartment in the building right behind them. Lo and behold, a man and woman were walking around their apartment naked. My friends giggle and wave. The couple waves back. It becomes a "thing" - everybody comfortably naked in their respective apartments, waving hello to each other, tipping their cup of morning coffee to each other, toasting beverages to each other, smiling and mouthing "hello" to each other. They would all laugh, it felt kind of decadent and fun. That went on for about six months, until...

My friends were at a party in the neighborhood. The host introduces them to a couple. They look familiar... "It's you!" "It's you!" with fingers pointing, mouths agape. There was an awkward silence, nobody knew where to look or what to say. The host didn't know what was going on, and they all walked away and avoided each other at the party. The couple kept the shades drawn from then on.

True story.
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solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #77  
Old 09-06-2013, 03:01 AM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I scream-he screams.
I turn and run down the stairs.
He turns and runs out the front door.
I slam into Maca's naked body-as he's asking "WTF?"
He runs into our daughter on the porch as she's asking "WTF".
If you've never written a screenplay in your life, you have missed your calling. Holy crap, am I laughing at the visual.

NYC, it's too bad they felt uncomfortable after establishing something that was fun and comfortable at the time. I enjoyed the description of the nekked morning cuppa.

LR, your story reminds me of one that happened here, actually, although I wasn't home for it.
P was in the kitchen cooking and decided to cook nekked. My best friend since elementary school and her youngest son were coming up for the night, and I think I neglected to tell P when she'd be arriving. Oops.

P's in the kitchen, in the buff, hears a car, and runs upstairs. My friend R thought she saw the top of his head thru the window, and just let herself in the house, talking to him as she (and her son) walked in... and saw nobody.

Freaked her out until he walks down the stairs, pulling up some pajama pants.
Apparently, I should have let him know when she'd be coming, and I should have let her know that he was going to be there.
Oopsie (giggle).
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Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

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Last edited by YouAreHere; 09-06-2013 at 03:11 AM. Reason: Added a bunch of stuff after my first sentence
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  #78  
Old 09-06-2013, 04:00 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Nyc-
that's funny! It's sad that they were awkward after-but funny story!

Thankfully-my son-in-law is easy going. We all joke about it now (it was last winter).

The funny thing is-I am totally comfortable being naked-I worked as a stripper for 4 years and it just doesn't bother me.

But-it does bother Maca and GG-they don't enjoy being naked in a group. Hell-GG doesn't enjoy being naked except to shower and for sex. But I digress!!

The point of course being-there isn't an opportunity to have full privacy in the house. Even the kids know-take it to your room. LOL!
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  #79  
Old 09-06-2013, 04:04 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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If you've never written a screenplay in your life, you have missed your calling. Holy crap, am I laughing at the visual.
No screenplays. I do write stories. I have been complimented on my writing ability. I never really realized there was any sort of gift there-until I returned to college and realized how few people know how to create a visual with words.
I credit my father. He CAN NOT "keep it simple". He has to describe every damn detail of every damn thing surrounding the idea of whatever the hell he is trying to tell you. Whilst it can be HIGHLY annoying-it did teach me a LOT of descriptive words for all sorts of different scenarios. It also taught me how much easier it is to "stay tuned" if it is visual.
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  #80  
Old 09-06-2013, 05:52 AM
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Do you have children?
I have a child, yes. A child that I wouldn't dream of involving in my adult romantic relationships of any kind for at least a year of dating someone. So yeah, in your situation, I'd probably stick to swinging, date people who can host, or go to hotels. I believe in quality couple time. I have my own very large and loud extended family to spend time with, it seems bizarre to leave my family to go and spend time with someone else's grandkids. I want my free time to be filled with adult company, bonding and filthy sex. I have my own kid to build tents with. I don't want those kind of entwined relationships with metamours particularly in the early dating stage - especially whilst I am still deciding how I feel about the guy, and I believe that kids shouldn't be involved in their parents adult relationships at all for months and months and months. So altogether, that whole set up is everything I am fundamentally against in polyamory. Thanks though, it gives me another angle to investigate what expectations any married or attached guys have in terms of allowing us to develop an adult romantic and/or sexual relationship. I simply couldn't under those sorts of conditions.
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