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  #61  
Old 08-29-2013, 06:19 PM
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I did not say you are undesirable, nor did I state any opinion of you or of autistic people. I said it is frustrating to try and have a discussion with someone who continually perseverates. In this thread, you essentially pressed on and on and on again to say the same thing over and over -- basically continually stating your judgments about people who do not manage their communications and relationships the way you do. LR and others in the thread kept feeling you were not understanding what they were saying because you were so off the mark, so they kept trying to explain. Had they realized you were simply perseverating with no purpose but to repeat yourself, they likely would not have felt the need to keep trying. Basically, this could have been a much more productive discussion, if it hadn't become an argument with you that went round and round aimlessly. I wish you no ill will, but thought it prudent to point out what you were doing, for everyone's benefit, including you.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-29-2013 at 06:46 PM.
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  #62  
Old 08-29-2013, 06:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
My metamour wouldn't be staying in my home if their partner wasn't there but if my metamour lit up a cigarette and smoking was forbidden in my home, my first reaction would be to wonder why they don't know this already and then i'd probably say go and smoke in a different, appropriate place. If I knew they had already smoked somewhere inappropriate but it wasn't going on right then, I'd probably leave it and speak to my partner later. I wouldn't go on and on about the rules we have for our home though. I'd be far more concerned about why they don't already know this. I'd want to know why my partner seemingly wasn't maintaining the rules of our home with his guests. If it materialised that they did know the rules and decided to ignore them, that's something he needs to know about his partner.
THANK YOU!
THIS is exactly what I am talking about.

Sure-I would wonder why it wasn't addressed.
BUT maybe it was addressed and misunderstood.
It doesn't matter.
I would tell them to take it outside by the shed.

NO ONE in this whole thread or any of my vents has said a single solitary word bout going on and on regarding rules.

We simply said-we would talk to any person who something came up with-OURSELF. Not delegating that duty to our mutual partner.
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  #63  
Old 08-29-2013, 06:44 PM
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Originally Posted by RunicWolf View Post
So you'd let them walk all over you in your space? You wouldn't go "Excuse me, but can you put that out or go outside please?" first?

Personally if someone comes into my space and does something I don't like I handle it like we're both adults and tell them to stop and not like kids tattling to a teacher. If they don't like it and feel offended they can kiss my behind. Only after the initial situation is handled would I talk to my paramour about it.




Maybe not so much a threat, but if my wife is dating someone I'd like to meet them (and their other SOs if any) to get a feel for them. Not because I feel threatened, no one is taking my wife from me nor me from her, but because I want to know the type of people involved. I'm apparently abnormally good at reading people I've just met and can get a handle on the situation.

tldr; LR I agree with you.
Thanks-and yes. It's not a "threat" to me either. But we have busy and very entwined lives. Like to know whose joining.
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  #64  
Old 08-29-2013, 06:49 PM
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Nyc-
I had never heard that term (interesting if it is associated closely with people on the autism spectrum-because I have many people in my world on that spectrum. LOL!

But anyway-I found your explanation and especially the explanation of what it is and what it is not very cool!
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  #65  
Old 08-29-2013, 07:28 PM
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If you look here, you'll see why I said what I said.

Nowhere did I say that anyone else "goes on and on", I just said that whilst I would more than likely ask said person to smoke somewhere appropriate, I would not explain that this is a house rule and why we don't smoke in the house etc. I'd leave that to my partner. I wouldn't want them to feel lectured by me.
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  #66  
Old 08-29-2013, 10:03 PM
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Just to point out, my husband (Runic Wolf) does not want to meet the people I'm involved with as a threat nor does he try to control any aspect of our dating lives. He isn't saying that he's a better judge of character than I am, but he is a good judge of character and sometimes asks different questions than I do. We like to meet each other's potentials to see what makes them tick. To see if what they're looking for is compatible with what either of us can realistically offer a partner while working full time and raising a child. Runic Wolf is notoriously bad at figuring out when a date is really attracted to him and wants to pursue more than a friendship. . . if I meet them, I can later point it out to him. Runic Wolf's ex is a great person, but much more than 420 friendly. She has a wide array of health problems that she uses pot to deal with, but her family and close friends also partake to the point of us feeling uncomfortable. Because we were primarily seeing her at our house, it took a while for us to realize.
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  #67  
Old 08-30-2013, 05:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Some people need entwined relationships with their metamours, to meet them and "get a vibe" in order for them to feel secure and be less likely to feel threatened by their presence in their shared partner's life. Some people don't trust their partner's enough to make wise decisions about their partner's and choose people who are not going to try and cause harm to other relationships. These people will usually insist they meet metamours rather than simply being open to meeting them if the situation should arise. They need to meet them or they feel out of sorts from the lack of control and input they have into their partner's other relationships.
So the fact that I enjoy my metamour's company as an individual, I like to watch Doctor Who with him, talk about cool sewing projects we're working on, or eat his delicious baked goods is all a cover-up for my underlying insecurity and need to control Auto's life?

Is it really beyond your comprehension that two people who happen to love the same person might actually have enough in common as individuals to become friends?
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 08-30-2013 at 06:01 AM.
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  #68  
Old 08-30-2013, 05:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunicWolf View Post
like kids tattling to a teacher
Best. Analogy. Yet.
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  #69  
Old 08-30-2013, 12:15 PM
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SchrodingersCat - That was my initial thought too. My metamour is an amazing person in her own right. I pick up one of her books and can't put it down until it's done. I prefer to be friends with my metamours because they're people, not just the OSO of my husband or boyfriend. And I don't mean that in the get to know them so they're less scary kind of way, but in a get to know them so that they know they're cared about, considered, and respected, and important to me.
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  #70  
Old 08-30-2013, 10:00 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Is it really beyond your comprehension that two people who happen to love the same person might actually have enough in common as individuals to become friends?
We are going over old ground because I answered that here:

Quote:
If we happen to meet and really get along well, there is no reason for us not to be friends, but it isn't something that I need.
There is no reason to put anything in place that requires metamours to meet just because they might have something in common. Of course, they are into the same person, so they must have something, but that doesn't convince me that it's a reason why metamours need to meet. What I hear people saying most often is "you need to meet your metamours so you can vibe them out, and on the plus side, you might gain a new friend".
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