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  #51  
Old 08-29-2013, 01:30 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post

To me, this can be summed up by trusting your partner. If you feel secure in the fact that you have chosen a considerate, respectful, intelligent partner, you'll find it easier to trust that they can do things like maintain the rules and boundaries of your relationship without being supervised, micromanaged or you having to go over their heads to step in. The talk about being able to work with people you don't like is in reference to the idea that you need to meet a metamour and get a "vibe" off of them before you decide whether they are okay to be in your kid's life. When you trust the judgment of your partner/co-parent, you don't need to do that simply because their call is good enough for you.
Let me give you a different direction. What would you do if your metamour was staying over for the week-and your spouse was gone all week?
Metamour lights up a smoke in the livingroom.
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  #52  
Old 08-29-2013, 01:50 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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And using yours-
My ex and I (oldest childs biological father) get along ok.
He chooses who does what/when/where in his life and in our daughters (when she was a kid) in his circle.

BUT-if he and his wife are in MY home-I don't feel I have to speak to him regarding her. I can speak to her myself. In fact-even in life in general, when our daughter was with her, I spoke to her. She is a person and deserves to be treated with as much respect as any of us. Opening the doors of communication so she and I could speak directly allowed her to fully parent our child as another mom.

In their world-they are in charge. But this summer, her adult children visited Alaska (where we live) and stayed with us. If there was an issue-I wouldn't have called her or him. I would have spoken directly to the person standing in front of me involved in the problem.
In fact-when issues arose regarding a totally unrelated party that made one of the kids uncomfortable-we dealt with it (he and I and the third party) ourselves. I didn't call my ex to address the issue, so he could talk to his wife who could then talk to her child who was in my home.
Asinine circle.

If there's no overlap-there's nothing to discuss. But when you allow the circles to intermix-that is completely different and the segregation doesn't work.
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  #53  
Old 08-29-2013, 04:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Your metamour isn't directly and personally involved in your life.
Yes he is.

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Not by default.
No such thing.

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It's a choice to have that sort of relationship with your metamours
A choice which I've made.

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,and some people need that to feel secure and in control.
Please explain how "friendship" equals "need to feel secure and in control."
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  #54  
Old 08-29-2013, 09:13 AM
london london is offline
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What would you do if your metamour was staying over for the week-and your spouse was gone all week?
Metamour lights up a smoke in the livingroom.
My metamour wouldn't be staying in my home if their partner wasn't there but if my metamour lit up a cigarette and smoking was forbidden in my home, my first reaction would be to wonder why they don't know this already and then i'd probably say go and smoke in a different, appropriate place. If I knew they had already smoked somewhere inappropriate but it wasn't going on right then, I'd probably leave it and speak to my partner later. I wouldn't go on and on about the rules we have for our home though. I'd be far more concerned about why they don't already know this. I'd want to know why my partner seemingly wasn't maintaining the rules of our home with his guests. If it materialised that they did know the rules and decided to ignore them, that's something he needs to know about his partner. I can't dump his partner for him and someone who ignores boundaries and rules needs dumping.

Quote:
Please explain how "friendship" equals "need to feel secure and in control."
Some people need entwined relationships with their metamours, to meet them and "get a vibe" in order for them to feel secure and be less likely to feel threatened by their presence in their shared partner's life. Some people don't trust their partner's enough to make wise decisions about their partner's and choose people who are not going to try and cause harm to other relationships. These people will usually insist they meet metamours rather than simply being open to meeting them if the situation should arise. They need to meet them or they feel out of sorts from the lack of control and input they have into their partner's other relationships.
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  #55  
Old 08-29-2013, 12:31 PM
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I enjoy having entwined relationships, not because I need to control Runic Wolf or Wendigo's other relationships, but because they (well, Runic Wolf does anyway) date really awesome people who tend to fit in swimmingly with our gaming group. I genuinely like these people and have most likely already met them at a function or two before any actual dating occurs. Wendigo's wife is an amazing author and I've read all her books. I like his kid alot too and we play all play League of Legends online. I don't need to wait for Wendigo to log on and send him a request to see if I can play a game with his son. I just ask his son.
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  #56  
Old 08-29-2013, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
My metamour wouldn't be staying in my home if their partner wasn't there but if my metamour lit up a cigarette and smoking was forbidden in my home, my first reaction would be to wonder why they don't know this already and then i'd probably say go and smoke in a different, appropriate place. If I knew they had already smoked somewhere inappropriate but it wasn't going on right then, I'd probably leave it and speak to my partner later. I wouldn't go on and on about the rules we have for our home though. I'd be far more concerned about why they don't already know this. I'd want to know why my partner seemingly wasn't maintaining the rules of our home with his guests. If it materialised that they did know the rules and decided to ignore them, that's something he needs to know about his partner. I can't dump his partner for him and someone who ignores boundaries and rules needs dumping.
So you'd let them walk all over you in your space? You wouldn't go "Excuse me, but can you put that out or go outside please?" first?

Personally if someone comes into my space and does something I don't like I handle it like we're both adults and tell them to stop and not like kids tattling to a teacher. If they don't like it and feel offended they can kiss my behind. Only after the initial situation is handled would I talk to my paramour about it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Some people need entwined relationships with their metamours, to meet them and "get a vibe" in order for them to feel secure and be less likely to feel threatened by their presence in their shared partner's life. Some people don't trust their partner's enough to make wise decisions about their partner's and choose people who are not going to try and cause harm to other relationships. These people will usually insist they meet metamours rather than simply being open to meeting them if the situation should arise. They need to meet them or they feel out of sorts from the lack of control and input they have into their partner's other relationships.
Maybe not so much a threat, but if my wife is dating someone I'd like to meet them (and their other SOs if any) to get a feel for them. Not because I feel threatened, no one is taking my wife from me nor me from her, but because I want to know the type of people involved. I'm apparently abnormally good at reading people I've just met and can get a handle on the situation.

tldr; LR I agree with you.
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  #57  
Old 08-29-2013, 01:09 PM
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Originally Posted by RunicWolf View Post
Maybe not so much a threat, but if my wife is dating someone I'd like to meet them (and their other SOs if any) to get a feel for them. Not because I feel threatened, no one is taking my wife from me nor me from her, but because I want to know the type of people involved.
Anyone who remembers USENET remembers the scourge of the "I Agree" poster. But I just HAD to agree here.

I have no desire to control who P dates, but I would like to meet them, at least once. I've met M2. I have no idea if there'll be another meeting or not. She's a nice person, but I have no compelling need to hang out with her.

P enjoys sharing his life and the people in it with me. I like that, and I want to be a part of his life. That's what it's about for me.
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  #58  
Old 08-29-2013, 04:16 PM
london london is offline
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Apologies in advance, the editing buttons aren't working for me.


@Runic

You said:

"So you'd let them walk all over you in your space? You wouldn't go "Excuse me, but can you put that out or go outside please?" first?"

But I had already said:

"but if my metamour lit up a cigarette and smoking was forbidden in my home, my first reaction would be to wonder why they don't know this already and then i'd probably say go and smoke in a different, appropriate place. If I knew they had already smoked somewhere inappropriate but it wasn't going on right then, I'd probably leave it and speak to my partner later"

Maybe that was confusing for you so I'll break it down slowly. If the person was smoking right then, I would more than likely tell them to go somewhere in or around my home where smoking is permitted. Got that bit? Ok. If they had already smoked but were not smoking at the time, I'd speak to our shared partner afterwards.

"Maybe not so much a threat, but if my wife is dating someone I'd like to meet them (and their other SOs if any) to get a feel for them. Not because I feel threatened, no one is taking my wife from me nor me from her, but because I want to know the type of people involved. I'm apparently abnormally good at reading people I've just met and can get a handle on the situation."

To me, this reads 'they kind of are a threat but it isn't just that, I like to see if her initial reaction about this person/these people is right because my gut instincts are better than hers. I want to make sure the people she sees are people I consider desirable. I am better than other people at judging who is desirable and who isn't.'
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  #59  
Old 08-29-2013, 04:49 PM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
I wouldn't go on and on about the rules we have for our home . . .
No one here has recommended "going on and on" about rules. But you are going on and on about what you see as unacceptable to you, though your perceptions of what others have written, especially LR, are without empathy and clearly off the mark.

You are perseverating. It is frustrating to get into a discussion with someone who perseverates and will not empathize. You continually come across on this board as frequently having an exaggerated need to repeat your particular argument, despite being told you have incorrectly perceived what was stated. It's like you keep getting stuck.

There is a difference between persevering and perseveration. Persevering has a clear purpose and the individual makes headway toward that purpose, while perseveration is purposeless and headway is never made. In perseveration, the persevering IS the goal. Ultimately, this means that the purposeless behavior keeps one from participating in actual purposeful behavior.

Ultimately, any conversation with someone like you, who has a need to perseverate, will never go anywhere constructive as long as you continue to peserverate and fail to see what it is people here are trying so hard to articulate to you. This conversation has devolved into a purposeless argument with you, and no amount of repeating what was stated previously seems to be getting through to you, so perhaps it would be more beneficial to you and everyone with whom you engage, for you to be more aware of when you are perseverating and perhaps consider modifying your behavior.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-29-2013 at 05:34 PM.
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  #60  
Old 08-29-2013, 05:52 PM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
No one here has recommended "going on and on" about rules. But you are going on and on about what you see as unacceptable to you, though your perceptions of what others have written, especially LR, are without empathy and clearly off the mark.

You are perseverating. It is frustrating to get into a discussion with someone who perseverates and will not empathize. You continually come across on this board as frequently having an exaggerated need to repeat your particular argument, despite being told you have incorrectly perceived what was stated. It's like you keep getting stuck.

There is a difference between persevering and perseveration. Persevering has a clear purpose and the individual makes headway toward that purpose, while perseveration is purposeless and headway is never made. In perseveration, the persevering IS the goal. Ultimately, this means that the purposeless behavior keeps one from participating in actual purposeful behavior.

Ultimately, any conversation with someone like you, who has a need to perseverate, will never go anywhere constructive as long as you continue to peserverate and fail to see what it is people here are trying so hard to articulate to you. This conversation has devolved into a purposeless argument with you, and no amount of repeating what was stated previously seems to be getting through to you, so perhaps it would be more beneficial to you and everyone with whom you engage, for you to be more aware of when you are perseverating and perhaps consider modifying your behavior.
Yes, perseveration is highly associated with people on the autistic spectrum, perhaps not interacting with people on the spectrum would save you from being exposed to it. What a demonstration of empathy you show to take a term most often associated with the behaviour of autistic people and use it here to tell me what a undesirable person I am. Quite frankly, anyone who doesn't like what I do or say on this forum can choose not to interact with me. People have asked me questions about my opinion, I have answered them, if you don't like that, tough.
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