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  #21  
Old 08-21-2013, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I am so glad I live alone, have no kids, and keep my relationships separate. It's so much simpler this way!
LR does have a lot on her plate. And it takes a lot of work to be a good Domme and sub at once, and I am sure she's good.
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  #22  
Old 08-21-2013, 07:06 PM
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I am so glad I live alone, have no kids, and keep my relationships separate. It's so much simpler this way!
Yes ma'am! I agree. I love reading about your life because (that aspect) does sound much easier.

I have told the guys that when the kids are grown, I want my own place. We are actually serious about buying a large tract of land (like 20 acres or more) and building multiple houses on it. Preferably tree'd land, so there is good amounts of space and trees and privacy between all of them. At this point, we're thinking starting with 5 or 6 small homes and on the property, centrally located an.. like an activity center sort of home. No bedrooms, but a nice big kitchen, living room, bathrooms, game room. That way, if the extended family wants to socialize in larger groups-we can (because we do all enjoy that SOMETIMES) but we would each have our own private dwelling for doing our own thing.
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  #23  
Old 08-21-2013, 07:17 PM
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Yeah-I don't get into those topics on here much-because it just seems to derail the conversations that are in process. Too many people are struggling with what seem like pretty basic concepts.
WE ALL DO at times.
But you are right Mag. When I read on here what some people are complaining about I am thinking "wow don't even start exploring yet omg you won't be able to handle it".

LOL!

I know GG would tell you I'm a very good Dom. Maca would tell you I'm a great sub. GG can't picture me as a sub at all. Maca can picture me as a Dom-it entertains him actually, but he see's me handle the world, so he knows I am capable, he just isn't going to drop into that mode to save his life. :P But that's ok, it's not his job!

You know though, I think those things and even the "poly thing" is much much easier than parenting. Shrug.
If you screw up any of the other, it's consenting adults who are struggling. But with parenting it's children. So you have to really consider and that responsibility infiltrates EVERY WHERE-you know?

That's one of the things I spend time considering that rarely manages to make it to conversations here-but it's part of why I got to the "GOD I HAVE A RANT" point with this topic.

I am looking at the kids thinking "what lesson is it that is being sent when they see a parent struggling and that parent can't/won't address the person they are struggling with?"
Kids DO SEE. All of the 'we can't tell our kids because' well-to be frank those kids aren't as naive as people think. They see much much much more than they admit or repeat.
So here you are as a parent telling kids the importance of direct, honest, forthright, considerate communication.. telling them about the need to take responsibility for themselves, their emotions, their needs..... but you aren't?

Um yeah. Wrong message.

It really is critical that when someone comes up-regardless of who it is, that we employ the same behaviors of communication with them as we are telling our children they need to use (and please tell me you are teaching your children proper communication).

But trying to explain to the world how D/s impacts the poly dynamic... that would just be too confusing here. There are extra responsibilities I have to GG as his Mistress that do alter the dynamic if he gets another lover. (I would never make it unavailable to him). There are also extra responsibilities Maca has to me as my Dom that have to be considered when he takes another lover. To be frank-I can't imagine it being feasible unless Maca dated another submissive personality. Not necessarily someone who was going to be HIS SUB. But someone who was experienced in that role so that they could understand that dynamic and how it effects things. Which, E, did understand. Whereas the younger chick-yeah no clue at all.
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  #24  
Old 08-21-2013, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I am looking at the kids thinking "what lesson is it that is being sent when they see a parent struggling and that parent can't/won't address the person they are struggling with?"
Kids DO SEE. All of the 'we can't tell our kids because' well-to be frank those kids aren't as naive as people think. They see much much much more than they admit or repeat.
So here you are as a parent telling kids the importance of direct, honest, forthright, considerate communication.. telling them about the need to take responsibility for themselves, their emotions, their needs..... but you aren't?

Um yeah. Wrong message.
I keep looking for the FB 'like' button to mash down.

Kids are most definitely not naive. My ex-husband is going to get his ass handed to him one day because he fails to see it, and all I can do is live my life being honest with the kids, and open to answering any questions they have - without pushing them off or lying to them. I have to consider that the way in which I live my life is also an instruction to them, and that is a HUGE responsibility.
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Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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  #25  
Old 08-22-2013, 01:05 AM
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I keep looking for the FB 'like' button to mash down.

Kids are most definitely not naive. My ex-husband is going to get his ass handed to him one day because he fails to see it, and all I can do is live my life being honest with the kids, and open to answering any questions they have - without pushing them off or lying to them. I have to consider that the way in which I live my life is also an instruction to them, and that is a HUGE responsibility.
Totally hear you! My oldest is 22. It was only this last Christmas that her father (we separated when she was 2 months) called me to apologize and thank me. He is privileged in that, the way I raised her, allowed her to forgive him for some STUPID shit he pulled when he walked away. It motivated her to accept his apologies and "give him another chance" at building a relationship with her as adults so he can know his grandsons. It's allowed him to have a future with her-even though the first 20 years he threw away.
BUT it has also forced him to realize that he fucked up and he owes me more than he could ever repay.

Fortunately for him-I am just thankful that he got a clue. The rest is history and need not be dragged into the future. He's a good grandfather. His wife is a dream and I hold no grudge over mistakes made previously.

But you can be damn sure-I hold myself SERIOUSLY accountable with the rest of the kids-just as I did with her. The youngest is 6. She's a different breed. The older kids were SO independent and SO sure of themselves. They were confident and they were leaders. You could put them in a room full of misbehaving children-and they would walk out with kids who were behaving-just because they wanted to be like them.
The youngest, she's unsure and she's a follower. She see's someone doing something, she tries it. She doesn't understand how to differentiate between what is right and what is wrong if someone is doing "wrong" right in front of her. She's learned no lying, no hitting, do your chores, etc etc. But the more intricate concepts of WHEN to respond when called at the park, or which kid is playing "safely" versus kids who aren't still evade her.

So, I have to be even more aware of her surroundings.
While the older kids guilt tripped Maca over his cigarette habit-bringing home reports on what it does to your body, etc.
She laid into me over how "grown up daddys smoke cigarettes". It didn't even occur to her that her GG doesn't smoke. She adores her daddy-he smokes-so it's just what you do when you grow up. EEK! Even Maca cringed.

These guys, they know we are couples. At six she doesn't understand the full ramifications of sex. She knows boy body parts, girl body parts, she knows they go together and make babies, she knows all about babies growing inside of you-she's seen so many pregnancies. But the ramifications of being a lover? No.
But she watches how we act, how we treat each other.

Maca's ex-girlfriend, is still fond memories for her. She knows that E moved FOR WORK and that is why she is gone. She isn't upset and emotional.
But the potential who created so much drama, she is upset over. Not over the drama-she doesn't understand all of that. She is upset because she doesn't understand why this person who she met twice-suddenly isn't in her life now. She doesn't understand why this person who was kissing daddy in the kitchen "just like you and GG" is gone. Because for her-those kissing, hugging, lovey dovey moments are things that mean "I Love you" and I love you means I am part of your family. So why would someone who is family just disappear?
Being told that daddy and that person got in a big fight and they don't talk any more-just sends her into a tailspin. MONTHS of every time she got in trouble thinking that would mean that mommy or daddy or GG (whoever was "mad" at her) was going to never talk to her again-was going to leave "with that girl daddy kissed".

NICE! FUCKING NOT!

These things-people don't think about. She wasn't exposed to the drama or the fighting. She only saw a couple of happy moments. But those moments had MUCH MUCH more meaning for her than they did to either Maca or the lady.
Those moments created an emotional question mark for her in terms of her ability to trust that the people who loved her weren't going to leave her.

WHY WHY WHY should any 4 year old have to question those things? (She was 4 when it went down). It's asinine.

So yeah-we have some pretty strict rules regarding who is around and when they are around the kids. It's absolutely not a secret that we are poly. They know when one of us is going out on a date. But they don't need to meet people who aren't going to be around at least long enough to leave a positive impression on them like E did.
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  #26  
Old 08-22-2013, 03:24 AM
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In a perfect world

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
I shouldn't need to speak up about a metamour mistreating me,
But sometimes I have to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
my partner should already be making sure that doesn't happen.
But sometimes he doesn't.

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Originally Posted by london View Post
I shouldn't need rules to ensure my partner(S) protect and maintain our relationship,
But sometimes couples mutually choose to create rules.

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Originally Posted by london View Post
that should be something they do naturally. I don't want to babysitting anyone. I don't want to have to speak for my partner, I don't want to have to overrule him, I don't want to have to have his relationships for him. If he needs that much help to maintain simple levels of decency, maybe he doesn't have the right mentality for maintaining multiple relationships.
True, but sometimes he slips up..... hell, sometimes I slip up and act the fool!!!

We're humans not machines! :-)
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  #27  
Old 08-22-2013, 05:16 AM
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We're humans not machines! :-)
Yes thank you.
And at least in our world-we're teammates, so we work together.
When one of us screws up, it screws the team.
We back each other up, we are each others strength. We are each others fan club. We are each others conscious sometimes.

**we means all three of us**
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  #28  
Old 08-22-2013, 08:54 AM
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Personally, I wouldn't let my kid meet a partner for months and months. Recently, my son had to meet one of them because he left something at my house, but he was introduced as a friend and that's all that partner will ever be in my son's life anyway.

I think I need to clarify what I mean by all this a bit more. Of course, everyone has boundaries in their relationships and things crop up that you didn't predict were going to be an issue but turn out to be, and things need to be re negotiated. That's all fine. It's important to have contemporaneous communication with your partner(s) and sometimes your metamours too. However, the idea of having to police their other relationships because your partner(s) are unable to maintain those boundaries is undesirable at best. Maybe once or twice something will crop up that wasn't handled as well as it could be, but especially when it comes to children (I've expressed how I handle relationships in relation to my son), even once where he didn't step up and assert the agreements that we have made would be too much for me. But the focus of my "blame", for want of a better word, would be on him. I wouldn't think that it means regularly and routinely having to manage his relationships in that fashion was desirable and if it became so I had to do that in order to keep our relationship healthy, it just wouldn't work for me. I need to be able to trust that my partner(s) can maintain our relationship whilst forming and maintaining others without me having to oversee it.
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  #29  
Old 08-22-2013, 06:20 PM
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I think you are still missing my point.
I don't manage his relationships.
I manage mine.
When his people enter MY CIRCLES they then have relationship with me. Those are not his to manage.
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  #30  
Old 08-22-2013, 10:04 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Yes thank you.
And at least in our world-we're teammates, so we work together.
When one of us screws up, it screws the team.
We back each other up, we are each others strength. We are each others fan club. We are each others conscious sometimes.

**we means all three of us**
Thanks for sharing! I like reading your posts!
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