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Old 08-18-2013, 11:06 PM
roseyt roseyt is offline
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Default looking for a little help

A gentleman and I have been involved with each other for about five years now. He recently started to see a lady that has been in our lives a few years back and it all ended poorly on everyone's part.
He told me that he recently went and visited her in TN. He said she asked about me and if we saw each other. His response was that we had seen each other twice since I had come back from traveling for little but did not inform her that we are still very much involved in each others' lives. From talking to each other every day, sleeping with each other, he still has my car and one dog, I felt he should of informed her of all this and he didn't.

I told him I wanted to call this lady and see how she is and inform her myself of everything that is still going on in our "friendship". He got upset and told me I wasn't allowed to call her. Grant it this lady told both of us that she didn't want us in her life any more but alas here we are three years later.

Should I make him tell her where we are at with each other or should I make the connection via phone, email? I am currently in PA so I can't see this lady in person.

A little help/advice?
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  #2  
Old 08-19-2013, 12:14 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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How are you actually feeling about him having this lady back in his life? What rules/boundaries do you have in place? Some people have rules that apply to ex's - I am just asking - we don't. People are generally "exes" for a reason - have any of those reasons changed?

Do you actually have the contact info for this woman? Or would you be dependent on him to provide this? Is there any provision in your relationship with HIM where he has the right to deny that you talk to anyone that you want to? If so, did you agree to this?

It would be helpful, if we are going to be of assistance, to know what transpired previously that caused things to "end poorly on everyone's part". (i.e. did the three of you try to make a "triad" that would have been better off as a "Vee"?)

To me, it sounds like he is feeding her "lies of omission" (technical truths which don't answer the spirit of the question) - which makes me suspect that he is not being entirely honest with you either.

While I do not insist on meeting my metamours, if they are uncomfortable, it is a "red flag" to me that he feels that he is in a position to "allow" you to deny you permission talk to whomever you want. (Do you have a d D/s dynamic that you haven't revealed?)

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Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
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  #3  
Old 08-19-2013, 12:38 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Something is rotten in Denmark ..
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Old 08-19-2013, 12:46 AM
graviton graviton is offline
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while I understand your need to "inform" her of just how important you are to him. But the way you word it feels more like a cat pissing all over its property to mark its territory and ward off other cats.
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Old 08-19-2013, 02:18 AM
roseyt roseyt is offline
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This gentleman and I are not boyfriend and girlfriend but have been very close intimate friends for sometime now. We had lived with each other for three out of the five years of being involved. Also have been financially, emotionally and physically dependent on each other for most of our time together.

I do have to admit when I found out that he had visit her my heart just dropped. I said anyone but her. There was a lot of drama caused by this attempt at a trio between work, home and friends. Nothing really felt secure during this time for me and I was in a huge depression to the point where I could not get out of bed and then was asked to be open to a trio when I was no where mentally or emotionally able to do.

I do have this lady's contact still and right now I am more curious on just how she is these days. In the past my guy friend wasn't being very upfront on many topics with both of us ladies and I just want to make sure everyone is on the same page this time around.

I have a feeling he isn't being entirely honest with me but I am just hoping he is.

I also just felt conflicted with the fact he told me I wasn't allowed to call her. He has no significant power over me yet I am afraid of jeopardizing our friendship of this.
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Old 08-19-2013, 03:27 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by roseyt View Post
This gentleman and I are not boyfriend and girlfriend but have been very close intimate friends for sometime now...
I have a feeling he isn't being entirely honest with me but I am just hoping he is.

I also just felt conflicted with the fact he told me I wasn't allowed to call her. He has no significant power over me yet I am afraid of jeopardizing our friendship of this.
There is a lot of confusion in what you are saying. I'm having difficulty actually figuring out where the root problem is - because there seems to be so much past drama and current lack of trust and respect.
You don't respect him and suspect he is lying to you and her
He doesn't trust her and doesn't think she can handle the truth
He doesn't want you to interfere in his life and probably doesn't trust you enough to tell you the truth either
Who knows what is going on with her... I'll bet she doesn't trust either of you
Seriously, it sounds like none of you have even an ounce of respect for the other. Have you considered just moving on from this relationship and maybe getting some therapy about your trust issues (if that's what it is, I honestly can't tell).
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Old 08-19-2013, 04:35 AM
northhome northhome is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by roseyt View Post
This gentleman and I are not boyfriend and girlfriend but have been very close intimate friends for sometime now. We had lived with each other for three out of the five years of being involved. Also have been financially, emotionally and physically dependent on each other for most of our time together.
This sounds very odd to me. You call him a gentleman, not a boyfriend, and yet you have been to all extents and purposes sharing each others lives?

This has a very strange vibe to it....
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Old 08-19-2013, 04:44 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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The bottom line in my opinion is this:

We as people only have the ability to change and/or control ourselves.

You can choose to deal with the situation or not.
But you can't make him do things your way and he can't make you do things his way.

Whether you call her or not-is your choice.
Whether he likes it or not-is his choice.

It LOOKS LIKE he is lying to AT LEAST one of you.

** as someone who lied, had an affair and totally fucked over my husband with my current boyfriend-and then managed to get my head out of my ass, clean up my act, force myself to be honest with myself-thus allowing me the ability to be honest with anyone else; chose to then be fully honest with my husband & boyfriend (and the rest of the world for that matter)**

I would say-walk away.

BECAUSE-someone who is lying (by omission or otherwise) to one of you-is lying first to themselves.

It doesn't really matter what the relationship between you is. Clearly-its bothering you.
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  #9  
Old 08-19-2013, 09:38 AM
roseyt roseyt is offline
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thank you all for your response and advice!
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  #10  
Old 08-20-2013, 02:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You're a grown-up. You can call whomever you like. What authority does he have over your life that he can simply forbid you to have a conversation with any person of your choosing?

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