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  #11  
Old 08-16-2013, 04:56 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by Squashking View Post
I can't disagree more. My wife and I are in a quad with another couple who were at first our very best friends...
I don't see a problem inherent in a group of people being romantically involved with each other - even if the group consists of two couples. My issue is with approaching relating to people from a stance that "pair dating" is a requirement.

In my opinion this is where quads, team dating, and unicorn hunters fail. They put expectations before reality and insist that groups of people relate to each other in a pre-determined fashion. People relate to each other the way they relate to each other, trying to decide this beforehand is folly and has an extraordinary chance of causing a breakdown.

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Originally Posted by Squashking View Post
Why does it seem that people who are not 100% comfortable yet with an idea or change to the relationship are so easily discarded? Why do we call it controlling so quickly?
It is important to note that the husband in question has not been informed that a change is even in the wings. As far as he knows, he's not in the way of anything. "Controlling" implies intent and one can't intend to alter a situation that one is not aware of.

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Originally Posted by Squashking View Post
Sometimes it takes a little time to get used to something and then you can move on. I assume changes to any relationship (ie. dating men vs dating women) are a bit easier if you are poly experienced. What's the rush?
Both of these couples are more or less polyamorous, as I understand it. I have not yet seen that there is a conflict of one person moving too fast for the others liking (I take it that is what you are referring to).
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  #12  
Old 08-16-2013, 07:58 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default there really is simple solution

next time you are hanging out with her husband, how about asking him if he has a one penis policy with his wife?

There is nothing wrong with him having such a policy, but I would agree that if he simply cannot deal with it but has it worked out to where he has sex with members of the opposite gender, I probably wouldn't want to be involved with him either

It is OK to be discriminating when it comes to your lovers, you don't need any reason other than it being your preference, if you were an employer and had an open position which he applied for, THEN it would definitely be wrongful discrimination, but that wouldn't be likely you would know such much about his private life if you were just an employer and he was just an applicant so it really is a moot point.

It's not your place to decide how he and his wife handle their relationship, but depending on the circumstances I would tend to think that engaging in activities you cannot allow your wife to engage in is not responsible behavior. Some people will continue doing whatever they can get away with, if his behavior is taking advantage of a situation, I would hope he had the integrity to quit doing that.

It's just what responsible, caring, loving people do.

If someone voluntarily agrees to give another person several thousand dollars, that is their decision, but also the person who would take what they do not deserve, the person who accepts such a gift it tends to speak volumes about their character.

If something stinks of the someone being taken advantage of, I would want to find out why before I dated them.

BUT AGAIN, it isn't wrong to be a hypocrite, but that doesn't mean you must date them

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 08-16-2013 at 08:05 PM. Reason: typos
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  #13  
Old 08-17-2013, 01:45 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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SHould I tell him I'd really prefer a quad, and risk ruining the friendship? If i bring it up, or just drop the dating idea entirely with him, im afraid we'll loose a new and important friendship (our first poly couple friends).
You and DH could also talk privately about how to handle the situation where one of you wants to date one of them but the other doesn't. Does that nix the whole thing? Sort that out. Could do that FIRST -- before talking to the couple in question.

Next? You and your DH could talk to the potentials about the choices on the table:
1) You both could tell the husband and the wife that you would like to date him while your husband dates the wife. (This is your 1st choice preference. Romance + friendship with them.)

2) You could also tell the couple you also are willing for one of you to date one of them. You just date the husband. Or DH just dates the wife. (Don't offer this if you don't have it sorted between you and DH first. Don't put either of you on the spot.)

3) You both could tell them that if the dating preference do not line up at all for anyone, you both would like to be continue to be friends because you both value their friendship and it is important to each of you.

4) You make them aware you also have another BF, not just a DH.

You both could ask them if they are willing to date this way and what THEIR preferences are, and ask them if they will go home to think on it and let you guys know in a week.

Then that gives them a face-saving chance to talk to each other in private and sort themselves out. And it gives you guys a chance to observe how they handle that.

If they get nutter, maybe you both change your mind about dating either or both of them. Maybe you put them on your "Messy people to date" list. Maybe you change your mind about being friends too. Who knows?

But maybe it all works out in the end. You can't know without playing ball. You want to know things. So ASK. Could decide to play ball.

That's the dating time is FOR -- to get to know people better. Some turn out to be a runner, some are not.

You could risk being honest about what you want and ask.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-17-2013 at 07:55 AM.
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  #14  
Old 08-17-2013, 07:40 AM
london london is offline
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When one of my partners was having trouble with his girlfriend at the time over this poly thing, I asked about why she doesn't date other people and with the intention of discovering if he was demanding conditions that were not conducive to her having other successful relationships. I knew she was straight so I knew it wasn't a One Penis Policy, but there are other things he could have been doing that halted her chances. This would have bothered me and it wouldn't have been something I could live with.

How this relates to your thread, OP, is that if I were you and I felt that my boyfriend had a OPP that actively stopped my husband from dating his wife, I would probably misrepresent the way I felt about that. It would probably seem as though my objection was because it was super important to me that my husband dates his wife so we have a quad, when that couldn't be further from the truth. My issue would be the fact that he has such a rule and the red flag that presents for rules he may instate in our relationship. If he needed those rules with her, but not with me, that would actually make me question why he doesn't have the same kind of fear around me. I mean, it's not a positive thing at all but if he is scared of some guy replacing him in his wife's life, why doesn't he feel the same about me being enticed away?

Tl;dr: I couldn't accept my partner having a One Penis Policy in his other relationships. Not because it stops my other partner's dating his partners, but because those sort of rules are red flags.
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  #15  
Old 08-19-2013, 06:41 AM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Thanks everyone. Well, he's irrate the wife knew we all (me, she, wife) thought a quad would be cool and he didn't know. He thinks I tried to set my spouse up knowing they had a one penis policy and was stringing him along, which isn't true. I wouldn't date someone with a one penis policy anyway, I think that's inherently unfair in poly (unless it's what the wife WANTs) what's good for the goose is good for the gander. He's placing the blame of his wife raising the man dating question squarely on me and my spouse. Sounds like the friendship is over too. So feeling pretty shitty.

Just to clarify, we did NOT befriend them thinking about quads. I had clicked with him and it want until my spouse and hs had a mutual attraction that it even came up
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  #16  
Old 08-19-2013, 10:37 AM
london london is offline
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The thing with that is even if the wife is okay with only dating women, it should be her choice, a choice she can change if she likes. There needn't be a rule governing it. Well not if one wishes to date me, anyway.
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  #17  
Old 08-19-2013, 11:55 AM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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Default Really???

Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
Advice/Opinion: A couple dating another couple is usually a bad idea. Too many points of failure. Keep the friendship and save the drama. They don't communicate very well, which tells you all you really need to know - if you think about it hard enough.
Really, We have been a fourple (quad) now for over 5 years. I still want to know how such a general statement can be made?
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  #18  
Old 08-19-2013, 12:07 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
Thanks everyone. Well, he's irrate the wife knew we all (me, she, wife) thought a quad would be cool and he didn't know. He thinks I tried to set my spouse up knowing they had a one penis policy and was stringing him along, which isn't true. I wouldn't date someone with a one penis policy anyway, I think that's inherently unfair in poly (unless it's what the wife WANTs) what's good for the goose is good for the gander. He's placing the blame of his wife raising the man dating question squarely on me and my spouse. Sounds like the friendship is over too. So feeling pretty shitty.

Just to clarify, we did NOT befriend them thinking about quads. I had clicked with him and it want until my spouse and hs had a mutual attraction that it even came up
I am sorry, but at least now you know. The one penis policy is bad enough, but flinging blame around rather than acting like an adult, is just so not attractive. I find that behavior equally repellent.
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  #19  
Old 08-19-2013, 12:41 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry it turned out that way -- he went a bit nutter and blames everything on you. That's not cool. On the other hand - yay. You got to see how he is early, and end it before it got deeper and spare yourself crazy town!

Hang in there.
GG
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  #20  
Old 08-19-2013, 12:51 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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thanks for the support guys
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