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  #11  
Old 01-19-2011, 12:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Catfish View Post
Mono,
It's strange to feel so familiar with someone I've never met. .
Perhaps one day we will change that
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  #12  
Old 01-28-2011, 09:15 PM
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Default The worst awesome concert I've ever attended

Last night Charlie came to town to go to a concert with RC and me. She bought the tickets as a Christmas present for all three of us. The band was great, the house was packed, the stars were in alignment for a good ol' fashioned rocking evening with my favorite people, but I was elsewhere.

Yesterday morning, RC glanced at my computer screen to check the time before work and saw an email (not the body, just the subject line) from a woman I've been corresponding with, but haven't met yet. We'll call her M. The title of the email was "What I want from you". This started a conversation we didn't have time for as we were both on our way to work. Her contention: (paraphrased) "You're speaking way too seriously to a woman you've never even met in person." My contention: "Maybe so. But what the fuck do I know. I've never done this before." Things got a little heated and we ended up parting ways with a cloud hanging over us.

Through the course of the day, I slid into an introspective funk. I began to question everything. My relationship with M. RC's relationship with Charlie. My ability to cope with their relationship. My seemingly eternal struggle with insecurity and jealousy. I spent the day wrestling with my internal monologue. The daemons were fucking with me pretty hard.

It should also be noted that after the accident RC and Charlie were in a couple weeks ago, I slipped into a similar funk that lasted more than a week. I subsequently entered counseling, but after only two sessions, I don't really think we've gotten to the meat of any specific issues. It's still a "getting to know you" type of thing at this point.

Back to the best worst concert ever...

Charlie arrived around 6pm and we sat around chit chatting for a while before going to the show. The entire conversation was laborious for me. I was constantly fighting off jealous thoughts and didn't really have much to contribute, which is a shame because RC had a very interesting day and I wish I could have engaged her a bit more about it. We then took a cab downtown and stopped by a bar next to the theater for a drink. At that point I was optimistic. I had started to feel a little better and was getting excited for some great music. We enetered the theater, saw some friends, said our hellos and went inside. At one point, RC looked over at me and said "You look happier." And I was, right up until I was reminded that I was fighting to be happy. Things started going downhill pretty quickly.

Long story short, I was depressed and jealous the rest of the night. RC was doing her very best to be understanding and still have a good time. Charlie was uninformed of my situation, but definitely not oblivious to the fact that I wasn't being myself. I stopped drinking (which was a good move) but that brought on a headache and made me want to leave. By this time RC was down on the floor jamming out to the band and Charlie was grooving away in the balcony with my sorry ass. I imagine he stayed when RC left as a gesture of solidarity with me. He's good that way.

The show ended and we went home. I immediately got ready for bed because I wasn't feeling well on many levels. RC hugged me and asked what she could do to help. I told her I wanted her to come to bed too. She said she was still keyed up from the show and wanted to hang out with Charlie for a while first. I got it, but wasn't happy about it. I felt shitty about putting a could over the evening already and didn't want to make things worse, so I said fine and went to sleep. I woke up at 4am to find myself alone. Then, awash in anger, self pity and depression, I huffed and puffed around the kitchen looking for something to eat (the hangover wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either). I think I kicked the dog's bone by accident and made enough noise to wake RC up. She and Charlie had fallen asleep upstairs talking. She came down, apologized and, eventually, we curled up in bed and slept a couple more hours before we both had to get up for work again.

So all day today I have been in the same haze I was in yesterday, only there is anger now as well. The two of them should be coming home soon and I look forward to talking some shit out, though I have no idea where to start.

Last edited by Catfish; 01-28-2011 at 09:44 PM. Reason: speeling
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  #13  
Old 01-28-2011, 09:31 PM
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Catfish, it sounds to me like some very old hurts got stirred up. By old, I mean from way back in childhood. I have the sense that somewhere in you, RC's reaction to your email correspondence with M felt like a reprimand, which may possibly have spun you into a bit of a tantrum. No one likes being told what to do, or feeling like they've been caught doing something wrong, especially if it doesn't seem fair to us. You did get a tad defensive at first. I'm not saying that you did something wrong or that she did reprimand you, but from your state of mind after that happened, it seems like you have interpreted it that way on an unconscious level. If you think back to when you were young, are there any events or situations that you remember which stirred up similar feelings? Sometimes, just seeing where something came from is enough to diffuse it. If nothing comes to mind, that's okay, too.

I think when you sit down and talk to RC and Charlie, just be truthful and say what you've been feeling and how much you're uncomfortable with these feelings. But I think it will help if you look beyond the current situation, further inward, or at the past, to get some perspective on your responses. Try not to get caught up in the drama and instead, see if you can step back a little and observe your mental process to see what it tells you about yourself. Like a scientist.

Hope that helps!
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  #14  
Old 01-28-2011, 09:50 PM
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If I may-

Can I suggest that you start the conversation with something along the lines of:

"Guys, I need some help. I'm struggling with jealousy, insecurity *whatever you feel is the right word* and I can't seem to break it. I know you've noticed, I just don't know what step I need to take right now and I need your help."

I say this because it's obvious from all three of you's posts that there is a great love and care FOR YOU from both of them.
One of the hardest htings to do is trust others to love and care for us when we feel like we aren't living up to our own expectations of ourselves.
Taking that chance, by asking for help from those people tends to not only get the help, but it helps them feel more able to help AND it builds trust which is key to knocking down the feelings you are struggling with.

HUGS to all of you!
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  #15  
Old 01-28-2011, 10:03 PM
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NYC-great answer.
I'm forwarding this all to Maca cause I think he could stand to read both the "problem" and your suggested answer.
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  #16  
Old 01-29-2011, 04:13 PM
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NYC, nailed it. I absolutely was being defensive. It was a knee jerk reaction to feeling like I was being told I was wrong. When it was really just RC saying how she felt. I think this is less childhood trauma and more residual feelings of being over criticized by any number of past loves. Definitely more to investigate there.

GS, I totally employed this tactic (without actually saying "Guys, I need your help") and I was a little amazed by how easily the conversation flowed. Thank you.

The conversation was liberating for me. It carried well into the night and continued again in the morning. Taking on the posture of just needing to talk as a way to process the tangle of emotions was the key. I feel very loved.

LOVED I TELL YOU!

LOVED!
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  #17  
Old 01-29-2011, 07:01 PM
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I'm not GS
But you're welcome.

My suggestion came from being in RC's shoes and knowing what would help me know what was wrong and how to help.

I have however spent endless hours getting advice from GS in the last year.

I'm glad you are doing better!!
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  #18  
Old 01-29-2011, 07:08 PM
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My bad. Thanks again.
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  #19  
Old 01-29-2011, 07:17 PM
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No bad,
gave me a wonderful morning giggle.


I'm glad you feel loved.
I hope that when everyone else wakes up around here I am surrounded by those same emotions!

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  #20  
Old 01-30-2011, 02:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catfish View Post
NYC, nailed it. I absolutely was being defensive. It was a knee jerk reaction to feeling like I was being told I was wrong. When it was really just RC saying how she felt. I think this is less childhood trauma and more residual feelings of being over criticized by any number of past loves. Definitely more to investigate there.
I am so happy to have been helpful in some way and that what I said enabled you to identify where it was coming from. You know, I only "nailed it" because I could recognize myself in you.
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