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  #1  
Old 08-10-2013, 06:24 PM
ALpolyman ALpolyman is offline
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Default Hi...and need Sanity Check

Hi. My wife and I are new to poly. I am 34 and my wife is 32. We discovered that we like the idea of poly from that Married and Dating show on Showtime. While the show seemed to border of soft porn, it at least opened up our eyes to what we've been feeling for a few years. We've since read a plethora of poly info and talked about various aspects of it and it seems like that's what we want to do. As such, I just want to make sure that I am poly for the right reasons...or just not poly at all.

For many years I've always thought that it seemed weird in our society to pick one person to be with for the rest of your lives. Part of this stems from the fact that I was married previously for 10 years but always wondered why it's not ok to explore relationships outside of marriage. At that time though, I was heavily guided by religion and church. While I'm not here to bash organized religion, I would only like to say that once I figured out that I need to make my own decisions in life, that anything was possible. So, I got divorced because we just weren't right for each other. It was an amicable agreement so we parted on good terms. As a side note, I'm a very open and honest person (sometimes to a fault) and I'm a "man of my word". I never cheated. Then, I met my current wife and we are great for each other. While we are polar opposites, we definitely agree that poly seems right. I suppose my point is: I relish the idea of exploring other relationships with other women. My wife feels the same way...she's bisexual or at least wants to be. I feel as though mankind is hardwired to not be bound to one person, though it certainly works for many. And this is not about sex per se though it's a component of romantic relationships, but rather, it's about the relationship itself. Our end goal is to form a triad but those are so darned hard to find. It seems easier to date other open people and see where things go.

Does this sound like I'm on the right track in poly? We want to give it a shot and continue to educate ourselves.
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  #2  
Old 08-11-2013, 06:04 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Hey! Welcome!

Interesting to hear about someone becoming interested in Poly from that show, I found it SO annoyingly sex focused I wondered if it would turn people off!

Anyway, you are definitely on the right track, date separately, see how you feel, how you cope, how you both handle jealousy and conflict.

And keep up that communication, you will find it will be non stop processing at first.

Good Luck!
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Old 08-11-2013, 06:15 PM
ALpolyman ALpolyman is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Hey! Welcome!

Interesting to hear about someone becoming interested in Poly from that show, I found it SO annoyingly sex focused I wondered if it would turn people off!

Anyway, you are definitely on the right track, date separately, see how you feel, how you cope, how you both handle jealousy and conflict.

And keep up that communication, you will find it will be non stop processing at first.

Good Luck!
Honestly, we never knew what poly was until we saw the show. The whole thing started out because my wife and I wanted to have sex with another woman. But, it was more than just sex. It also requires an emotional bond and not be a one-time fling. The idea of a relationship with other people then grew on us. The idea of a triad seems great but so difficult to achieve and seemingly unrealistic to start off with. Anyway, this prompted us to research it more and we were like "hey, there's a growing community of poly folk out there and I want to give it a try".

My only problem with communication is that I'm a detailed oriented person who reads a bunch, analyzes and studies, then tries to apply it. My wife on the other hand is an impatient "type A" who wants the Cliff Notes version. So, trying to get her to read the same stuff I do is difficult. She's the type that once the conversation is over, then it's over. I have to talk about it in short bursts and then move on. I can see this being a hurdle and I can make it work as long as I continue to pay attention to her. I have a bad tendency to go overboard with something new so I have to try to slow down a little and make sure and keep focus with what's important. Anyway, anybody here experience the same thing with their SO?
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Old 08-11-2013, 07:35 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Welcome to the forum! Sounds like you are starting your poly journey well

Quote:
Originally Posted by ALpolyman View Post
My only problem with communication is that I'm a detailed oriented person who reads a bunch, analyzes and studies, then tries to apply it. My wife on the other hand is an impatient "type A" who wants the Cliff Notes version. So, trying to get her to read the same stuff I do is difficult. She's the type that once the conversation is over, then it's over. I have to talk about it in short bursts and then move on. I can see this being a hurdle and I can make it work as long as I continue to pay attention to her. I have a bad tendency to go overboard with something new so I have to try to slow down a little and make sure and keep focus with what's important. Anyway, anybody here experience the same thing with their SO?
Oh, yes! This sounds very much like me and my husband. I do not even try to make him read the stuff I do... heck, I don't think he has bothered reading anything on this forum though he knows I read it regularly. He is just not interested. He lives his life, lives with me, goes on dates himself, is friendly with my OSO... and does not want too much theoretical information.

To me, that is really no problem. I find all the reading I do to be constructive and I myself have been quite well prepared for different things and emotions that have come along, and IMO it helps my partners as well. I can do all my theoretical ponderings with other people, like here on this forum for example - and still have good enough communication with my husband about everything that really matters. My OSO is rather more receptive to the theoretical part as well, which is nice.
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Old 08-11-2013, 08:54 PM
ALpolyman ALpolyman is offline
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Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
Welcome to the forum! Sounds like you are starting your poly journey well



Oh, yes! This sounds very much like me and my husband. I do not even try to make him read the stuff I do... heck, I don't think he has bothered reading anything on this forum though he knows I read it regularly. He is just not interested. He lives his life, lives with me, goes on dates himself, is friendly with my OSO... and does not want too much theoretical information.

To me, that is really no problem. I find all the reading I do to be constructive and I myself have been quite well prepared for different things and emotions that have come along, and IMO it helps my partners as well. I can do all my theoretical ponderings with other people, like here on this forum for example - and still have good enough communication with my husband about everything that really matters. My OSO is rather more receptive to the theoretical part as well, which is nice.
Interesting. So when you do have to communicate about the things that matter, then do you have to find ways to keep it short and to the point?
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Old 08-12-2013, 03:34 AM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Originally Posted by ALpolyman View Post
My wife feels the same way...she's bisexual or at least wants to be
Sorry, but it bugs me when people talk about "wanting to be" bisexual. Bisexuality is an orientation, just like straight or gay. If I, as a bisexual woman, have a relationship with a woman, it is not a "lesbian experience," it is simply an experience with a woman. It doesn't mean I temporarily stopped being attracted to men. I'm not gay for her, but straight for him.

Anyway, rant over
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Old 08-12-2013, 07:34 AM
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Aery Aery is offline
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Not singling you out.... God's I got in trouble for "flaming... but as surprised to run across... what made sense... an intelligent remark, in point... where not being "bi oriented for anyone" and then, being het for him met...I was kind of muddled... not that I don't suppose there's a kind of Mulligetawny soup in all relationshps. Love is strange...
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Old 08-12-2013, 08:32 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
Sorry, but it bugs me when people talk about "wanting to be" bisexual. Bisexuality is an orientation, just like straight or gay. If I, as a bisexual woman, have a relationship with a woman, it is not a "lesbian experience," it is simply an experience with a woman.

Anyway, rant over
Or even saying they want a bisexual experience with a woman

Or triad couples in union saying they want a bisexual relationship....argh!!!

Terminology drives me nuts buuuuuuuuuuuuut they are often mistakes made by people not well versed in either the LGBT or Poly community and it is a little unfair to be too hard on them.
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Old 08-12-2013, 08:44 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ALpolyman View Post
As such, I just want to make sure that I am poly for the right reasons...or just not poly at all.
I personally don't believe in "right reasons" for most things, especially something like "being poly." There are just reasons. Sometimes there are no reasons, and that's ok too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
Oh, yes! This sounds very much like me and my husband. I do not even try to make him read the stuff I do... heck, I don't think he has bothered reading anything on this forum though he knows I read it regularly. He is just not interested.
Diddo! My husband isn't poly, but he's accepting that I am. He's willing to listen to me when I need to talk about things, and if there's something I believe he needs to know, he's willing to learn it from me. But I don't think it would be fair for me to expect him to read a whole bunch of books about something that isn't his thing. Besides, all the books in the world wouldn't be about ME and MY poly. Other people might have similar experiences, but really the best way to learn about me is talking to me.

He would probably love it if I could give him Cliffnotes versions of what goes through my head. I'm not there yet, mostly because I figure out what's in my head by talking it out. So I try my best not to go on and on and on and on, and he tries his best to listen when I go on and on (only 2 ons instead of 4.)
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  #10  
Old 08-12-2013, 08:53 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Or even saying they want a bisexual experience with a woman

Or triad couples in union saying they want a bisexual relationship....argh!!!

Terminology drives me nuts buuuuuuuuuuuuut they are often mistakes made by people not well versed in either the LGBT or Poly community and it is a little unfair to be too hard on them.
Are they "mistakes" because they contradict a big book of LGBT definitions that has been voted and approved by all members of the LGBT so-called community? Or are they simply different ways of seeing things from the way you see them?

Just because you came into it one way doesn't mean it's that way for everyone. Whether or not you think it's correct, for some people maybe it is a "bisexual experience." It's not your experience - why do you get to choose what it's called?

While I personally wouldn't want to use someone just to be my "bisexual experience / relationship," I think that as long as they're open and upfront about that, then what's the big deal?

As a person who rejects labels, my knee-jerk reaction is to remove them in every context. In our bi group, I learned that labels are incredibly important to a lot of people. So I had to adjust my thinking to acknowledge that while I may reject labels for myself, I don't have the right to deny the labels that others have chosen for themselves. So if someone chooses to label it as a bisexual or lesbian experience, who gives you the authority to take that away from them?
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Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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