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  #81  
Old 09-06-2013, 03:29 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I don't think anyone was, I just think that whole post is a weak defensive tactic tbh.
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  #82  
Old 09-06-2013, 03:32 PM
london london is offline
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ut if the person that your partner wishes to spend time with really rubs you the wrong way, then it really isn't going to work.
It will work if you accept that the relationships your partner has have absolutely nothijg to do with you. You don't have to like your metamours because you are under absolutely no obligation to even spend a minute of time alone with them. Your wife is married to you, she doesn't own you, so if I want to fuck/date/love you, I should only need to impress you, not her. She isn't who I want to bump genitals with, she isn't who I want to go to dinner with, you are. As long as your relationship with her isn't making you unhappy, I really don't give a shit about her. I mean, I hope she has a good life, but yeah, she isn't in my thoughts at all.
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  #83  
Old 09-06-2013, 03:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I get wanting to meet my metamours, but the requirement is something completely different. Saying "I would like to meet the people in your life who are important to you" is just saying that I want to share in this type of intimate detail. It isn't an ultimatum or a demand, just a statement that if interest is mutual and time is available, I wouldn't mind meeting these people you've told me about.
This^^^

I enjoy being involved in my partner's life and learning about him and the things he enjoys, and this includes meeting the people in his life. However, I don't *need* to socialize or be BFFs with my metamours (which caused my friendship with M1 to be strained for a while when she did see us as potential sister/BFF type friends, whereas I didn't really care either way and didn't like being pushed in that direction).

If I don't like the person, I don't consider it his problem. I may say "no thanks" at getting together again, and if I think they have cowgirl/cowboy tendencies, I may tell P what I see (if it's egregious) or just work on making sure our own relationship is getting what it needs.

P and M1 technically started with "veto power" being on the books, and while I suppose I have it as well via the transitive property or something, I would prefer to just let his relationships be, unless there's some serious danger or cray-cray going on.

Now, that said, despite wanting to meet the folks in his life, it's not an interview, and I'd be happy (and probably happiest, in fact) to meet them in a social setting that doesn't require one-on-one interaction and conversation like dinner or coffee - there seems to be a lot of pressure with that type of interaction that I don't need to push on anyone (or myself, for that matter).
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  #84  
Old 09-06-2013, 03:57 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Did you really think that if the wife had decided that she didn't like you, he would be allowed to date you?
I hadn't considered that at the time. I was under the impression that she would have nothing to.do with our relationship other than that they wanted to make sure everyone was 100% upfront and knew about each other.

I.suppose if she decided for some arbitrary reason she didn't like me that might factor into him not wanting to continue seeing me.
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  #85  
Old 09-06-2013, 05:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I prefer to date my partners and not have to interview for a position .
Like!!!
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  #86  
Old 09-06-2013, 06:54 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Honestly, I don't get making it a rule that you have to meet the other person! Also, I respect my spouse, so I tell him when I'm talking to someone, I let him know I'm considering a meet, or a talk on the phone. However, that's showing respect. It is NOT disrespectful to decide that I date who I date. I found it slightly insulting to say that by NOT letting my spouse interview potential partners I was not respecting him. Please!

Now he has met boyfriend, but honestly that was kind of an accident! I was stranded, I needed to be picked up, so they met! They were both like, oh nice to meet you, and that was it.

While they have things in common and are able to get along, there is no requirement that they do. Yeah, I have a family and so it's nice that they all get along but guess what? I'm not interviewing potential partners and making them get interviewed by my hubby and my kids and my other partners before I give them a chance. I guess it's more organic. If I like you, I start sharing more of my life. Ta da!
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  #87  
Old 09-06-2013, 07:35 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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For myself and Woodsmith the only time we'd really want to meet is if it's going to go past a dating stage to an actual relationship. Myself just so whoever he is with does know that I'm cool with it (something I've seen women in general have a harder time believing). Him because of the fact I want a D/s or M/s aspect in the relationship and he would like to meet anyone just to get a feel before that would start.
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  #88  
Old 09-06-2013, 08:05 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
I think other conversations/discussions we have had recently basically boil down to this issue: whilst people aren't explicitly saying that unless you "love" me, you cannot "love" my spouse, it does seem as if they are saying unless you "love" me, a relationship with my spouse will be near impossible because dating my spouse effectively means dating my family and if you don't want to be that involved with us (opposed to you desiring involvement with the spouse only), then you won't be able to date. Ie, to have a chance at a healthy, happy relationship with someone's husband, I have to feel affection for his wife, kids, in laws too and want to spend time with them.
Maybe someone-but most of us are saying "if you don't get along with my family-you won't be able to date ME because I am not going to give up MY time and enjoyment of MY family for a piece of ass."

Which is wholly different than saying "If you don't get along with me you can't date my spouse because I won't let my spouse have time away from me/family for a piece of ass."

One is personal preference-the other is controlling someone else.

It seems logical to me that people who are like-minded in terms of their enjoyment of family and unwillingness to date "outside of their social group" would end up together.
Thus they aren't controlling each other-they just so happen to all be of the "I don't want a piece of ass enough to be willing to give up my time with my family-so if you want my ass-you will have to be able to come to me."
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  #89  
Old 09-06-2013, 08:07 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
I once met a guy and part of his dating process was all parties meet first. So it was a coffee date with his wife, him, N and me. I guess mainly to make sure all parties were ok. I was ok with this. But if me dating someone was contingent on their partner liking me or they had veto power, I wouldnt bother with them.
THIS!!!

It's like people think this is an "all or nothing" topic-but it's really not.

There is a HUGE difference between saying we have to get along before you can fuck-and saying "hey we agree to always have everyone meet everyone else just so we know that no one is getting the misguided impression that we aren't really in a committed relationship."
The fact is that there are A LOT MORE PEOPLE out there having affairs and cheating, then there are people who are openly and willingly non-monogamous.
None of us wants to date a person who is ok with dating a cheater.
Period.

So yeah-anyway.
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  #90  
Old 09-06-2013, 08:21 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I get wanting to meet my metamours, but the requirement is something completely different. Saying "I would like to meet the people in your life who are important to you" is just saying that I want to share in this type of intimate detail. It isn't an ultimatum or a demand, just a statement that if interest is mutual and time is available, I wouldn't mind meeting these people you've told me about.

On the other side of this spectrum, if meeting my partners is a requirement, that is not even remotely the same. This is a statement that "we group date, so everyone has to be yippy skippy happy with everyone else or you are not welcome". I don't group date because I don't want other people having some kind of say in how I carry on with my relationships, and I don't want any say in how other people carry on with their relationship...
I think part of the conflict Marcus-
is this

for example;

Maca and GG don't choose to participate in these discussions. There are a few people on the board who remember when they did-and they know that when I speak for either of them-I'm damn careful to say only what I KNOW they would say.

But-when I say that we all agree that none of us is willing to date someone who isn't willing to be a participant in SOME capacity (friendly-not necessarily friends) with the rest of the family;

people here get up in arms over how I am controlling them.

Um-no. I'm not. In point of fact-I'm MUCH more open to other partners then either of the guys. But-they aren't controlling me either.
In this topic-we all see it the same way. Always did-even when we weren't dating.
We prioritize the kids and "family time" over ANY dating-even our dating of each other.

Likewise-our preference for meeting each others potentials has nothing to do with veto. It has to do with ensuring that the other person see's that we are in fact real people AND opening the door to them to be able to speak to ANY OF US directly.
It's had some freaking amazingly wonderful consequences. When I met E, I was able to let her know (first time they met in person we all met together) that I was flying out the following morning-to be out of state for an undetermined number of weeks and potentially months. But that I would be happy to talk to her anytime if she wanted to contact me via phone/text/email.
She took me up on that and it made everything run so smoothly. Any time she had concerns-she could talk to me, not just Maca. Any time I had concerns, I could talk to her directly-not just Maca.
We chose to be mindful of each others birthdays, anniversaries, mothers day, etc. But-we were more capable of this-because we KNEW THEM. The reality is-Maca doesn't pay attention to that stuff. If he tells me the day before-I can't do much about the calendar. But in knowing them via her-I was able to keep those special days clear. No kids dr appointments scheduled on days that would be meaningful for her.

Since I schedule that stuff-it was very helpful to have that info from her. I could have asked Maca til I was blue-and what would have happened is that they would end up stuck at some appointment or another during special days for her. Shitty. Likewise-knowing her work schedule, I was able to tailor my school schedule (which changes semester to semester) so that I wasn't creating a conflict for Maca needing to babysit the ONLY day she was off work each week.

Anyway-I totally agree "controlling" someone else's relationship is bullshit. But there is a reality factor that with kids and pets-there has to be someone responsible. We have to work together to make it possible for any one to get free time away-and honestly-it isn't easy.
Dating someone who wants no contact with any of us-would mean realistically that we wouldn't see them more than once or twice a month. Because we sincerely wouldn't be free more than that.
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