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  #21  
Old 08-12-2013, 01:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Gabriella View Post
You, Marcus, sound like you're a textbook poly person. I'm really happy that it works for you. I, however, am not.
My advice sounds poly-specific to you because you've got that on the brain. I would give the same advice to a monogamous person (like yourself); if you want to have happier relationships, learn to stand on your own two feet. I assure you that two fully functional adults will have a happier and longer lasting relationship than two people who are interdependent and and need someone else to complete them.

This is true in all things, work, friendships, romance, there is an entirely different set of possibilities for someone who is confident and self-sufficient versus someone who is needy and insecure. I am merely suggesting that you work on *you*, since that will be the source of real growth.

There is no such thing as a text book poly person - read around and you will clearly see that most of us disagree on most things.

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I do agree with you that it's important to feel comfortable in your own skin. Usually I don't have that problem, but coming up on his third night away is wearing me down.
Such is the nature of growth. You have been presented with a challenge and are trying to get through it. I think you're taking leaps in the right direction, I would just suggest that the focus of your energy centers around improving *you*, and less on what your relationship needs. If you make improvements on one, the other will flourish in kind.
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  #22  
Old 08-12-2013, 02:06 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
My advice sounds poly-specific to you because you've got that on the brain. I would give the same advice to a monogamous person (like yourself); if you want to have happier relationships, learn to stand on your own two feet. I assure you that two fully functional adults will have a happier and longer lasting relationship than two people who are interdependent and and need someone else to complete them.

This is true in all things, work, friendships, romance, there is an entirely different set of possibilities for someone who is confident and self-sufficient versus someone who is needy and insecure. I am merely suggesting that you work on *you*, since that will be the source of real growth.

There is no such thing as a text book poly person - read around and you will clearly see that most of us disagree on most things.



Such is the nature of growth. You have been presented with a challenge and are trying to get through it. I think you're taking leaps in the right direction, I would just suggest that the focus of your energy centers around improving *you*, and less on what your relationship needs. If you make improvements on one, the other will flourish in kind.
This is what I had to.learn. I am so much happier having my own pursuits and honestly having my own life, side by side with N brings us closer.
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  #23  
Old 08-12-2013, 03:39 PM
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I appreciate alone time SO much more when I am not used to having it...I crave it, it is like having the bed to yourself when you are used to sharing and throwing yourself in it and stretching out, enjoying throwing your arms and legs everywhere...that is how I feel about alone time. What wouldn't I do? That is the real question!
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  #24  
Old 08-12-2013, 03:52 PM
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I actually don't like alone time. I.get tons of that at work after my clients go to bed but N nerds it so I make a point to take the kids out and leave him at home so he gets it
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  #25  
Old 08-12-2013, 03:59 PM
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I actually don't like alone time. I.get tons of that at work after my clients go to bed but N nerds it so I make a point to take the kids out and leave him at home so he gets it
Ah I can understand that, I used to do jobs where I spent nearly all day alone too. It is about balance isn't it? Most people work with a lot of other people so a bit of space can be much needed, but those who work mostly alone would probably yearn for some interaction.
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  #26  
Old 08-12-2013, 04:42 PM
Gabriella Gabriella is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I appreciate alone time SO much more when I am not used to having it...I crave it, it is like having the bed to yourself when you are used to sharing and throwing yourself in it and stretching out, enjoying throwing your arms and legs everywhere...that is how I feel about alone time. What wouldn't I do? That is the real question!
I'm like that, where I need alone time to recharge my batteries. I usually only need a few hours, then after that I'm ready to come home and reconnect. He's now back and we're at work, but we haven't had a chance to have time together yet. (He got back into town and hour before work )
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  #27  
Old 08-12-2013, 04:44 PM
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Someone said at one point that people who have an appreciation for alone time have an inherent advantage in having polyamorous relationships. This includes a mono person who is poly friendly and dating a polyamorous person. Someone who does not have an appreciation for alone time would seem to have a higher tendency for separation anxiety and abandonment issues. "Being alone" is a signal to them that something is wrong instead of being able to appreciate the peaceful moment.

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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Ah I can understand that, I used to do jobs where I spent nearly all day alone too. It is about balance isn't it? Most people work with a lot of other people so a bit of space can be much needed, but those who work mostly alone would probably yearn for some interaction.
I totally agree, it's very helpful to be able to self-identify how much social interaction I need; the balance is different for each person.

Even more critical is the decision of what action to take when one realizes they are out of balance. I have a very high need for alone time; fortunately for me, I work from home so I get a huge dose every day. There are times, however, when even I need an influx of social interaction. My solution is to prompt a hangout with my buddies, to play with you guys online, to ask IV if she can carve out time for a sleep-over, etc. It is of utmost importance that I take responsibility for my need to interact and do not put this burden onto someone else.

This isn't the problem the OP is having. The OP is most likely having separation anxiety and fear of abandonment issues. These are things that a more active lifestyle and a bit of constructive therapy can take care of.
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  #28  
Old 08-12-2013, 04:59 PM
Gabriella Gabriella is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
My advice sounds poly-specific to you because you've got that on the brain. I would give the same advice to a monogamous person (like yourself); if you want to have happier relationships, learn to stand on your own two feet. I assure you that two fully functional adults will have a happier and longer lasting relationship than two people who are interdependent and and need someone else to complete them.

This is true in all things, work, friendships, romance, there is an entirely different set of possibilities for someone who is confident and self-sufficient versus someone who is needy and insecure. I am merely suggesting that you work on *you*, since that will be the source of real growth.
You're right, I do have poly on the brain I do agree with you, but it can be hard when your gut is controlling your actions (or inactivity, as the case may be). I do have some issues that have hardwired themselves into my brain from my first marriage; he cheated on my with one of my best friends. There's still a tiny part of me 16 years later that wonders if I'm unlovable. That fear, however small, is still there. It really doesn't have anything to do with current hubby; he's fantastic

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There is no such thing as a text book poly person - read around and you will clearly see that most of us disagree on most things.
Again, I agree. What I meant to say is that you are very certain about your poly-ness (is that a word?).

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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Such is the nature of growth. You have been presented with a challenge and are trying to get through it. I think you're taking leaps in the right direction, I would just suggest that the focus of your energy centers around improving *you*, and less on what your relationship needs. If you make improvements on one, the other will flourish in kind.
I can do the work myself, but I also think that I can ask for and expect a safe place from my husband to do it in. If that means that I ask him to not go out of town on this kind for visit for a while so I can sort out my feelings on the matter, that's a fair request. Our communication is amazing; we talk about everything, and he's been a great sounding board. He wants me to be comfortable and happy so he can be happy while he's gone.
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  #29  
Old 08-12-2013, 05:02 PM
Gabriella Gabriella is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post

This isn't the problem the OP is having. The OP is most likely having separation anxiety and fear of abandonment issues.
Yep, totally......

The irony is, I like being alone to recharge. I had actually been looking forward to this to be able to have some extra personal time. Instead I turned into a wreck

Last edited by Gabriella; 08-12-2013 at 05:13 PM.
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  #30  
Old 08-12-2013, 08:08 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Subtle difference

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Originally Posted by Gabriella View Post
Yep, totally......

The irony is, I like being alone to recharge. I had actually been looking forward to this to be able to have some extra personal time. Instead I turned into a wreck
There's a difference between getting what you ask for....and what you want My partner gives his loved ones what they want, not what they say they want.
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