Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 08-11-2013, 04:02 PM
Gabriella Gabriella is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 13
Default

I guess my problem is that this is the first overnight he's been gone doing this, and it's a whole weekend. I thought it was an issue with not keeping busy enough, but it's turned out that I'm not okay with him being away this long doing that. It's now a totally different discussion.

I did spend some time last night with a friend that's kind turning into a new playmate and spent half the time crying on her shoulder.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 08-11-2013, 04:22 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

I don't know what kind of person you are and what kind of thing you like to do normally. It sounds to me that you knew of these plans at least a little bit ahead of time. My first thought on what I might do in a similar situation is to plan and host an epic party.

Do things you like to do that your SO isn't as into. It's a good opportunity to be able to do those things guilt free. I gather that you and your SO spend quite a bit of time together when he is home. I wonder if this is part of the reason that you're feeling a bit at a loss with what to do with yourself.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 08-11-2013, 04:34 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,289
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriella View Post
I thought it was an issue with not keeping busy enough, but it's turned out that I'm not okay with him being away this long doing that. It's now a totally different discussion
It's a different issue with the same solution.

This is a control issue. The control issue stems from insecurity and fear that they won't come back (or that they'll come back in love with their new squeeze). It is fueled by fear that you are not cool enough for them to want to come back to. It may also accelerated by an "out of control" feeling stemming from the fact that you don't have any say over his actions and that can be unsettling to realize.

From top to bottom the problem is insecurity.

The solution is to be comfortable in your own skin and to let go of the idea that some other person completes you. This other person doesn't complete you, they are simply a nice addition to your environment while both of you agree that they should be. You survived just fine before this person came along and you'll survive just fine should they decide to run off to Mexico with this new person.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 08-11-2013, 05:12 PM
Octopus Octopus is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 35
Default

True words as always. Thank you; Marcus <3
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 08-11-2013, 05:43 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 145
Default Hmmmm

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
or that they'll come back in love with their new squeeze
...well, coming back after one weekend in love? I know you were just being sarcastic, but it CAN be unnerving when someone who loves you, then falls in love with another.

Even though the basis of poly means "many loves," actually being faced with that can be a totally different thing.

I always feel the best thing to do is remind yourself that he or she loves you, too, and that's not going to change.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 08-11-2013, 06:02 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
...well, coming back after one weekend in love? I know you were just being sarcastic, but it CAN be unnerving when someone who loves you, then falls in love with another.

Even though the basis of poly means "many loves," actually being faced with that can be a totally different thing.

I always feel the best thing to do is remind yourself that he or she loves you, too, and that's not going to change.
I think that if this is really anxiety producing, polyamory might not be for you.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 08-11-2013, 11:18 PM
Gabriella Gabriella is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 13
Default

"..well, coming back after one weekend in love? I know you were just being sarcastic, but it CAN be unnerving when someone who loves you, then falls in love with another.

Even though the basis of poly means "many loves," actually being faced with that can be a totally different thing.

I always feel the best thing to do is remind yourself that he or she loves you, too, and that's not going to change."

Even though I'm posting here, I am not poly. My husband would love it, but I'm not wired that way. One of our guidelines is that there are no sleepovers, and I think I need to include all partners in it, including out of town. It's not the sex that bothers me, it's the intimacy of sharing waking up together and post-sex sleepy cuddling that is making this whole weekend awful.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 08-11-2013, 11:31 PM
Gabriella Gabriella is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 13
Default

"The solution is to be comfortable in your own skin and to let go of the idea that some other person completes you. This other person doesn't complete you, they are simply a nice addition to your environment while both of you agree that they should be. You survived just fine before this person came along and you'll survive just fine should they decide to run off to Mexico with this new person."

You, Marcus, sound like you're a textbook poly person. I'm really happy that it works for you. I, however, am not. I believe that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, that my husband and I make a fabulous team. I'll survive if he runs off, but he will take a part of me with him. I have never met anyone else who makes me laugh, challenge me intellectually, or feel loved, like he does. I'm not poly because I'm not wired that way, but I can't imagine that there is anything someone can add to my life that we don't have together. He has that poly wiring and has told me that he would love to see me love someone else. That's why I'm here.

I do agree with you that it's important to feel comfortable in your own skin. Usually I don't have that problem, but coming up on his third night away is wearing me down.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 08-12-2013, 12:10 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 54
Default

::Hugs::

Instead of framing this as a "bad" thing, it might help to frame it in your mind as "change." Lots of change is hard. All sorts of life events can bring about change. Change can cause growth. Change can be neutral or good.

My guess is, since you and he are married and make a good team, you've learned about each other, made adjustments, worked things out, and gotten good at doing things as a team. With a little more work and a few more adjustments, you two could get good at this, too.

My other thought is to ask if it would help for him to include you more while he is away. Is he texting, calling, and otherwise communicating with you about how great his life is and how wonderful you are?

I find if I am more in the loop about my partner's time away, my imagination doesn't run as far afield. If you are hearing that he's happy, you make more positive associations with his travel much the way you might if he were away visiting family instead. I'm not talking about details of sex, but what about dinner and that movie that he would now like to see with you, too.

This stuff won't work for everyone, and is just one approach. For me, it's like exercise. I tried all the trends and eventually found what worked best for me. Best wishes.

Last edited by PaperGrace; 08-12-2013 at 12:13 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 08-12-2013, 01:19 AM
Gabriella Gabriella is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 13
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PaperGrace View Post
::Hugs::

Instead of framing this as a "bad" thing, it might help to frame it in your mind as "change." Lots of change is hard. All sorts of life events can bring about change. Change can cause growth. Change can be neutral or good.

My guess is, since you and he are married and make a good team, you've learned about each other, made adjustments, worked things out, and gotten good at doing things as a team. With a little more work and a few more adjustments, you two could get good at this, too.

My other thought is to ask if it would help for him to include you more while he is away. Is he texting, calling, and otherwise communicating with you about how great his life is and how wonderful you are?

I find if I am more in the loop about my partner's time away, my imagination doesn't run as far afield. If you are hearing that he's happy, you make more positive associations with his travel much the way you might if he were away visiting family instead. I'm not talking about details of sex, but what about dinner and that movie that he would now like to see with you, too.

This stuff won't work for everyone, and is just one approach. For me, it's like exercise. I tried all the trends and eventually found what worked best for me. Best wishes.
This is one thing I will bring up when we talk. Whenever he goes away for any reason, there is always radio silence. Hate it, and it definitely made this weekend worse
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:03 PM.