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Old 08-10-2013, 04:03 PM
Amstel Amstel is offline
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Amsterdam, Netherlands
Posts: 7
Default A new adventure

Hi everyone,

I am Amstel, I am a 25 year old female and I live in Europe. I stumbled upon this website in my search for information about polyamory and more in general to an approach to relationships that would fit the needs of me and my partners. Currently I am in a 4 year relationship with boyfriend B, and started dating girlfriend S about a year ago. S is also in a committed long term relationship with boyfriend D, they live together about 40 minutes away from me. B and I don't live together but very close to each other.

After falling in love with S and still being in love with B we talked a lot and discovered that we were both poly. B and me were already in a very nice and open relationship, but actually falling in love with someone was something entirely different than just having multiple sexual partners. B is ok with this situation now and very interested and supportive. For D the whole idea is still scary since he is converting from complete monogamy to a complete poly lifestyle, and it wasn't his idea. He's seems really willing to give it a shot though.

I am still a student, combining a bachelor degree in Philosophy with my creative tendencies. I am very interested in art, literature, philosophy and fashion and I love to create, to connect and to reflect on live. I feel very free being able to create the life I want for myself, but I realize that living outside the lines of the coloring book can be challenging at times, I joined this forum because I hope to learn something from the more experienced people here.

Thanks for reading this little introduction, I'll be around! (Please correct me if there's something incorrect or even weird in my formulations or spelling, English in my third language, I appreciate it.)

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Old 08-10-2013, 08:33 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,863

Hello and welcome to the Forums!

It certainly sounds as though you and your partners and metamours are in a position to explore yourselves and your relationships in a healthy and positive way. Your metamour (D) may need lots of reassurance from your paramour (S) - it sounds as though he is willing to give it a go and with your and S's patience and compassion as he weathers the paradigm shift from monogamy to polyamory.

I hope that you find the support you are seeking by joining us here!

Yes, loving more than one IS different than having multiple partners for sex only - a whole nother level. A learning curve for each person - one I am exploring in a new way currently (one of my primary partners, as opposed to FWBs, being open to developing new significant relationships outside of our established Vee).

Good Luck and Welcome (again)!

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 08-11-2013, 08:38 AM
Amstel Amstel is offline
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Amsterdam, Netherlands
Posts: 7

Hello JaneQSmythe,

Thanks a lot for your welcome, I appreciate it.

I must indeed be a completely new thing for you that one of your partners is exploring new significant relationships outside of your established concept. I am very curious what your experiences will be.

You are right about D, and although I strongly believe that everybody is responsible for his own happiness(D could have left is he really thought het couldn't/wasn't willing to handle it) I sometimes feel a little bit quilty about shaking up his world to this extent. S and me have been discussing the concept of loving more than one partner for about a year now, we have both experienced it before, but never acted upon it. For him it is something he cannot really relate to, as we speak he is doing it 'for her'. S and me see each other about twice a week and when she's with me he tends to call a lot and sometimes he asks her to come back earlier, or at once. I completely get how threatening the situation must feel for him, and I am more than willing to put up with it for a while, but I'm not sure this is the way to go. Tips for S on how to make him feel loved and secure, without constantly creating crisis-like moments are most welcome. I am not sure to what extent I can play a rol in this, but I see how difficult this is for S and D and I care about them a lot.

Apart from this issue, I feel very liberated and happy at this moment. At 25 I finally found out the enormous freedom I have to create my own live and my own standards, and it feels thrilling! I see so much interesting possibilities that I am almost overwhelmed by it at times. I still have so much to learn though, so I will take it one step at the time. For now I try to be as loving as I can be, and maintain beautiful, mutually beneficial and inspirational relationships with my two lovers.

I am very bookish, so tips about books are also very welcome. I am very interested in the practical and social aspect of polyamory. How do you make it work in your life, on a practical level. How do you find the time for both yourself and your partners? I am severely ADHD and I have a slight tendency to overestimate my own capacities and underestimate the time that I need to recover, and just you know 'be'. How do you make sure you take good care of yourself, while being very much in love? I am also very interested in the more 'philosophical' ideas behind polyamory. On which believes do you base your polyamorous life style? Just to sketch and idea of what I hope to learn from this forum, I don't expect anyone to start answering all those questions at once, tips for books however, are most welcome.

Ok, gotta go and work, have a good day!
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Old 08-14-2013, 10:41 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,409

Hi Amstel,
Welcome to our forum.

There is a Book and Website Recommendations thread at:

And offsite:

Some specific book suggestions:

Polyamory: roadmaps for the clueless and hopeful ... by Anthony Ravenscroft.
Polyamory: the new love without limits ... by Deborah Anapol.
The Ethical Slut ... by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt.
Sex At Dawn ... by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.
The Monogamy Myth ... by Peggy Vaughan.
Love in Abundance
Open ... by Jenny Block.
Opening Up: creating and sustaining open relationships ... by Tristan Taormino.

The only thing I can recommend for D is time and patience. You have to consider the possibility that D will always be like this, and decide if that's something you can live with.

"How do you find the time for both yourself and your partners?"
I think in a lot of cases you have to keep a calendar.

"How do you make sure you take good care of yourself, while being very much in love?"
Awareness is your best friend. Be aware of the need for balance between yourself and others, and how you're doing on that balance.

"On which beliefs do you base your polyamorous life style?"
I just think it's okay to share partners. No complicated beliefs there.

Hope some of this helps.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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