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  #31  
Old 08-10-2013, 05:46 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Whereas to me, polyamory means you agree to let your partner love others and directly opposes any restrictions on how you may love them. Non monogamous relationships which restrict love with others are "open". So when the OP said they were in an open relationship, I assumed that they could have sex with others. Casual stuff only.
Not at all disagreeing with your definitions, but the whole casual sex / no or little emotional involvement seems a slippery slope. Maybe it depends on how the person is psychologically built, but I expect for many, repeatedly sharing sex is going to lead to a feeling of emotional intimacy. For myself, I might be able to keep it casual for awhile, but eventually, I will get attached. And if I don't I would probably lose interest in having sex with that person. The OPs bf may be asking her to do something for which she is not capable in regard to keeping it casual.
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  #32  
Old 08-11-2013, 12:46 PM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Not at all disagreeing with your definitions, but the whole casual sex / no or little emotional involvement seems a slippery slope. Maybe it depends on how the person is psychologically built, but I expect for many, repeatedly sharing sex is going to lead to a feeling of emotional intimacy. For myself, I might be able to keep it casual for awhile, but eventually, I will get attached. And if I don't I would probably lose interest in having sex with that person. The OPs bf may be asking her to do something for which she is not capable in regard to keeping it casual.
Absolutely. Not every one can have relationships where emotional availability is restricted. I can, but I have to know that this is the case from the start so I actively put in boundaries that prevent us "going too far". If I was going to have a non monogamous relationship with that rule, I would stick to swinging like activities just to avoid the drama. I did suggest to the OP that could be an option for her but from what she says, she knows she wants more than that.
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  #33  
Old 08-11-2013, 05:46 PM
LovelyFuture LovelyFuture is offline
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Originally Posted by Emm View Post
That's my observation of many who are new to poly, not what I think is ideal.
I am curious, Emm - what do you think is ideal?

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Your boyfriend sounds immature and quite possessive. If I were you, I'd break up with him for thinking he could dictate to me how I conduct my relationships. Even though he says it's not about ownership, his views that you are something he "shares" just a little with people, and that you are not allowed to live your life as you see fit, screams ownership very loudly. People can't make rules for other people; they can only establish personal boundaries for themselves. DTMFA.
I appreciate your viewpoint, nycindie, & I will say, part of me feels this way. I want to feel free to live my life how I like. A different part of me says that I should respect my partner's feelings, & give him what he wants, since I love him & I am his only family, & he will be absolutely destroyed if I move out. What can I say? I feel conflicted.
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  #34  
Old 08-11-2013, 05:50 PM
LovelyFuture LovelyFuture is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
We can't change our feelings. However, we can decide how to act upon our feelings. Until recently, you didn't meet anyone who you wanted to spend lots of time with besides bf. I feel sad you broke off your previous "intense" relationship to please your bf. Do you carry resentment from that? Disappointment?
Magdlyn, yes, I do suppose I carry some sadness from that...I feel as though I am not free to live my life to the fullest, because I may be hurting my partner.


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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
And now another hot potential has come along, and you're not gonna give up so easily. You want to spend 1-7 days a week with him, but your bf is not comfortable with that amount of time. I don't really blame him, that is a lot to ask after being nearly mono for years.
Very true, it is a lot to ask to see someone (actually) 2-3 days a week after being nearly mono for so long. It's one thing to "say" you're open, and another to "do".

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Can you compromise? See New Guy on the lower end of your desire, twice a week? Could your bf deal with that if he was getting lots of your undivided attention on the other days? It's up to you to show you can handle 2 intense relationships without letting either feel neglected. It will be hard for your bf, who is used to things being one way. This will test your relationship. Can he deal, or will he bail? Can you respect his "growing into poly pains" and go more slowly as he gets used to the idea of what you really want from polyamory now?
I think this is the method I will try. Boyfriend comes back in a couple days, & we will have a sit-down talk, & I will try to comfort and reassure him, as he's been a wreck b/c I've started another relationship while he's been away, & he's missing me very much. He actually also told me that he wants to have a talk alone with NewGuy, to assert himself as the main partner.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Adding: when we have a partner already, as ethical poly sluts, when we meet a new person, we really can't act like a mono person with no responsibilities. I mean, we CAN, but imo that wouldn't be ethical.
Yes, I suppose I was acting like a single poly with no responsibilities while Boyfriend was out of town.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
We can't just swan off into NREland with New Person, neglecting our other lover(s). I mean, that would be very rude! We take original lover's feelings into consideration. We may feel like seeing new person every day. Having sleepovers sooner rather than later. Gushing about New Person to other lover even! No, we just can't do that. Polyamory takes more finesse and control than that.
Yes, true. I have respected Boyfriend's wishes that I don't engage in sex until he meets my new partners, but yes, I have had a couple (non-sexual) sleepovers with NewGuy, & that also upsets Boyfriend as he feels that I'm getting too close too fast to NewGuy. I'm not the kind to gush about NewGuy to Boyfriend, but I try to keep Boyfriend updated with when I am seeing NewGuy & what we are doing.

It's just hard to stay away from NewGuy when I feel like seeing him, and it seems so right and easy.
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  #35  
Old 08-11-2013, 05:52 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Fucking is Fucking
Love is Love

They can overlap and they don't have to. However if you are the type where they do have to overlap then you will have issues.

That said.. I can do the fucking is fucking thing, but I CANNOT control who i fall in love with. I hope people can understand that distinction. I can't force my hand on emotions, I just know I can do the FWB thing. So being forced into an emotional restriction while trying to maintain an open relationship would be a red flag.

You sound conflicted.. but you shouldn't be. It doesn't sound like you can maintain what he wants. So.. either live monogamously or you have to end it. Or... maybe he would make a better secondary for you?.. alter the relationship structure while maintaining your polyamourous relationship with him. Always a possibility.
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  #36  
Old 08-11-2013, 06:05 PM
LovelyFuture LovelyFuture is offline
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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Part of the issue is that you have set the relationship with your SO up as a situation where your see each other "all the time". One thing you could do is put the secondary relationship on hold all together and re-structure your relationship with your SO so that you are not together all the time. Let that relationship get used to having gaps and time apart and get comfortable with that.

Then when the original relationship is working well with gaps and time apart, you can introduce a 2nd relationship into your life.
Yes, idealist, we are together all the time, because we live together, & work at home, together, on our business...so...haha, yeah...it's hard to be away. Even when I go away with friends for an afternoon, he really misses me. We've basically been attached at the hip for a few years. Of course, we fight, and all, but we love each other and enjoy each other's company.

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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
As far as the intensity goes. I have an incredibly intense secondary relationship. But I don't have to go to my SO and swoon about it. It is not necessary for me to demonstrate how intense my secondary relationship is to my SO. My SO likes the guy and he approves of our relationship. I don't have to roll my eyes in the back of my head and say "oh my GOD- this is so intense" to my SO. I can simply say "I had a really good time with Lee last night."
I actually don't swoon about NewGuy to Boyfriend at all. I mostly have told Boyfriend that NewGuy is very nice & respectful, & has said he doesn't want to complicate my life. I think Boyfriend is recalling my last intense relationship, let's call him FirstIntenseGuy, & it's scaring Boyfriend this time around.

The last time, we went through an emotional hurricane, where Boyfriend was having breakdowns, trying to restrict my seeing FirstIntenseGuy, felt like I was slipping away, & I finally told him I wanted to move out to my own place, and continue seeing Boyfriend and FirstIntenseGuy. That's when Boyfriend put his foot down and told me that if I moved out, he'd be destroyed & wouldn't ever talk to me again. At Boyfriend's request, I started seeing FirstIntenseGuy less and less, & I surmised it just wasn't fair to FirstIntenseGuy for me to see him so little, so I cut it off for FirstIntenseGuy's & Boyfriend's sake.
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  #37  
Old 08-11-2013, 06:09 PM
LovelyFuture LovelyFuture is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
He seems to be worried about time management, and then demotion or displacement. Could you read poly hell together and talk about how to navigate that?

How about jealousy? Or more jealousy?

Figure out a time management schedule to try out for a month, see how it goes. If not meeting all players needs, jiggle around the next month. Sometimes it takes a while to find what works, esp as people's comfort levels are also adjusting.

HTH!

Galagirl
Great articles, Galagirl, I will share these with him. I used one of the points from the articles, about recognizing your partner's grief as valid, & I told him on the phone that I recognize his grief and that he feels he is losing something, and that really made him feel better. Thank you.

I will try the time management schedule. I'll be honest, part of me cringes at the idea of having to be regimented, as I am at heart a free flow kind of person, but I don't see any other option right now.
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  #38  
Old 08-11-2013, 06:13 PM
LovelyFuture LovelyFuture is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
I expect for many, repeatedly sharing sex is going to lead to a feeling of emotional intimacy. For myself, I might be able to keep it casual for awhile, but eventually, I will get attached. And if I don't I would probably lose interest in having sex with that person. The OPs bf may be asking her to do something for which she is not capable in regard to keeping it casual.
It's true, bookbug, I am really not interested in having unemotional sex. I WANT to love the person I am having sex with.

Boyfriend told me last night that he is NOT interested in swinging. Boyfriend says,"I'm not saying you have to have unemotional sex, just don't get too intense...it's like friends with benefits, you may be a little romantic and even love them, but don't let it get crazy."
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  #39  
Old 08-11-2013, 06:15 PM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by LovelyFuture View Post
It's true - I am really not interested in having unemotional sex. I WANT to love the person I am having sex with.

Boyfriend told me last night that he is NOT interested in swinging. Boyfriend says,"I'm not saying you have to have unemotional sex, just don't get too intense...it's like friends with benefits, you may be a little romantic and even love them, but don't let it get crazy."
The problem with that is "crazy" is a subjective term, and for someone who craves emotional as well as sexual intimacy, near impossible to achieve.
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  #40  
Old 08-11-2013, 06:16 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyFuture View Post
It's true - I am really not interested in having unemotional sex. I WANT to love the person I am having sex with.

Boyfriend told me last night that he is NOT interested in swinging. Boyfriend says,"I'm not saying you have to have unemotional sex, just don't get too intense...it's like friends with benefits, you may be a little romantic and even love them, but don't let it get crazy."
Haha it's like buying a sports car with a governer.. But one that will never actually work

Sorry I am chuckling that's a comical and difficult request. Emotions don't have valves..
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