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  #21  
Old 08-10-2013, 06:27 AM
london london is offline
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Whereas to me, polyamory means you agree to let your partner love others and directly opposes any restrictions on how you may love them. Non monogamous relationships which restrict love with others are "open". So when the OP said they were in an open relationship, I assumed that they could have sex with others. Casual stuff only.
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  #22  
Old 08-10-2013, 06:36 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Whereas to me, polyamory means you agree to let your partner love others and directly opposes any restrictions on how you may love them. Non monogamous relationships which restrict love with others are "open". So when the OP said they were in an open relationship, I assumed that they could have sex with others. Casual stuff only.
Yeah, I think polyamory generally entails more freedom and less restriction than open relationships, because open relationships are often only sexually open. But some poly people do have a lot of rules to restrict their partner's behaviors (usually to protect a primary relationship), and some people use "open relationship" and "polyamory" interchangeably, so what exactly poly or open means depends on the individuals involved. But if I hear someone say they're in an open relationship, I'm likely to assume they can only have casual sex with others too.
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  #23  
Old 08-10-2013, 06:47 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Whereas to me, polyamory means you agree to let your partner love others and directly opposes any restrictions on how you may love them.
And yet you see so many people posting here about how they're "allowed to be poly" so long as it's only with someone of the same sex or only if they don't [specific sexual act] in [specific geographical location] or only on alternate Tuesdays after approval from all existing partners and the production of STD test results in triplicate. They may be different rules, but they're still there for many relationships.

I would define "open" more as "anything goes" where there are very few rules to break. Both loving relationships and casual sex would fit in to that, but if it was a casual-sex-only, no-feelings-allowed type of thing I would categorise it as swinging rather than open.
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  #24  
Old 08-10-2013, 07:04 AM
LovelyFuture LovelyFuture is offline
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Hmmm, this is all very interesting to read! It seems people have different ideas of the definition of things:

London
Polyamory: you agree to let your partner love others & directly oppose any restrictions on how you may love them
Open Relationship: Non monogamous relationships which restrict love with others. Casual sex only.

Eponine
Polyamory: more freedom than open relationships, some poly people do have a lot of rules to restrict their partner's behaviors
Open Relationship: can only have casual sex with others
Note: some people use "open relationship" and "polyamory" interchangeably, so what exactly poly or open means depends on the individuals involved.

Emm
Polyamory: can sometimes be very heavy on rules/restrictions
Open Relationship: "anything goes" where there are very few rules to break, includes loving relationships and casual sex
Swinging: casual-sex-only, no-feelings-allowed
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  #25  
Old 08-10-2013, 07:09 AM
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That's my observation of many who are new to poly, not what I think is ideal.
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  #26  
Old 08-10-2013, 07:43 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Your boyfriend sounds immature and quite possessive. If I were you, I'd break up with him for thinking he could dictate to me how I conduct my relationships. Even though he says it's not about ownership, his views that you are something he "shares" just a little with people, and that you are not allowed to live your life as you see fit, screams ownership very loudly. People can't make rules for other people; they can only establish personal boundaries for themselves. DTMFA.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #27  
Old 08-10-2013, 12:50 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I am sorry you and your bf are not on the same page, and didn't foresee this issue coming up.

Your bf may think he's being kind and loving, "allowing" you to have sex with and have limited romantic feelings for others. Now he's coming up against your passionate side, you can't limit your feelings, you love intensely, this is your nature.

We can't change our feelings. However, we can decide how to act upon our feelings. Until recently, you didn't meet anyone who you wanted to spend lots of time with besides bf. I feel sad you broke off your previous "intense" relationship to please your bf. Do you carry resentment from that? Disappointment?

And now another hot potential has come along, and you're not gonna give up so easily. You want to spend 1-7 days a week with him, but your bf is not comfortable with that amount of time. I don't really blame him, that is a lot to ask after being nearly mono for years.

Can you compromise? See New Guy on the lower end of your desire, twice a week? Could your bf deal with that if he was getting lots of your undivided attention on the other days? It's up to you to show you can handle 2 intense relationships without letting either feel neglected. It will be hard for your bf, who is used to things being one way. This will test your relationship. Can he deal, or will he bail? Can you respect his "growing into poly pains" and go more slowly as he gets used to the idea of what you really want from polyamory now?
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  #28  
Old 08-10-2013, 12:55 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Adding: when we have a partner already, as ethical poly sluts, when we meet a new person, we really can't act like a mono person with no responsibilities. I mean, we CAN, but imo that wouldn't be ethical.

We can't just swan off into NREland with New Person, neglecting our other lover(s). I mean, that would be very rude! We take original lover's feelings into consideration. We may feel like seeing new person every day. Having sleepovers sooner rather than later. Gushing about New Person to other lover even!

No, we just can't do that. Polyamory takes more finesse and control than that.
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  #29  
Old 08-10-2013, 01:48 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Part of the issue is that you have set the relationship with your SO up as a situation where your see each other "all the time". One thing you could do is put the secondary relationship on hold all together and re-structure your relationship with your SO so that you are not together all the time. Let that relationship get used to having gaps and time apart and get comfortable with that.

Then when the original relationship is working well with gaps and time apart, you can introduce a 2nd relationship into your life.

As far as the intensity goes. I have an incredibly intense secondary relationship. But I don't have to go to my SO and swoon about it. It is not necessary for me to demonstrate how intense my secondary relationship is to my SO. My SO likes the guy and he approves of our relationship. I don't have to roll my eyes in the back of my head and say "oh my GOD- this is so intense" to my SO. I can simply say "I had a really good time with Lee last night."

Also- my SO has a girlfriend. I can tell when he has had an intense night with her. He can actually tell me more because I am okay with him having in intense relationship with another women.

The point is, we have adjusted our relationship to have time away from each other without feeling like there is something missing in our relationship AND we have adjusted how much we share with each other accordingly to our individual comfort levels.

Hope this helps!
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  #30  
Old 08-10-2013, 03:47 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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He seems to be worried about time management, and then demotion or displacement. Could you read poly hell together and talk about how to navigate that?

How about jealousy? Or more jealousy?

Figure out a time management schedule to try out for a month, see how it goes. If not meeting all players needs, jiggle around the next month. Sometimes it takes a while to find what works, esp as people's comfort levels are also adjusting.

HTH!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-10-2013 at 03:50 PM.
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