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Old 08-09-2013, 08:48 PM
Knightshade Knightshade is offline
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Default The most unusual thing...

Hi everyone, I came to this board/forum looking for best practices regarding poly relationships. So far I'm receiving quite an education.

My wife and myself have been married for nearly 5 years. Prior to our marriage when my wife was younger, she had a lesbian relationship that lasted about a year. She ended it at the time because of the pressures of society and family perception.

Fast forward to the start of our relationship, and we began to discuss our wants/needs desires very openly. I could tell whenever she talked about this person there was a silent longing there. I even encouraged her to reconnect because I could tell how much she missed this other woman. She resisted doing so and we married. After our wedding, sometime in the first year of our marriage, i confronted her again about this void between us, something as a male I didn't feel like I was meeting for her. I discussed poly with her, understanding how the relationships work as I'd been exposed to them via my pagan beliefs over years and many friendships. She felt like such a situation would be a betrayal of our relationship because she would not feel comfortable dating, so I let the matter rest with the response that for someone else to be in our relationship, she'd be the one to bring them in.

So now we get to the near present, and she and her former lover (and close friend back then) reconnect over a project she was working on. They both quickly find themselves holding old flames for one another. Knowing how i felt about it my wife informed her old lover that I was ok with their relationship being rekindled.

And rekindle it has. It has woken up the my wife's will to improve in ways I don't think I ever could have. I'm proud of her and how she's bloomed thanks to this change. So we've invited this old flame to live with us, and share our lives with us, and in two months or so, she shall.

Our current configuration is a pretty straight V with my wife at the apex, but both the old flame and myself are open to it becoming a polyfi triad when we get to know (and hopefully love) each other better.
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Old 08-10-2013, 02:04 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Welcome! Sounds awesome and congrats to the three of you! I hope everything works out for you! You will find a lot of support here! I wish I would have met a guy like you after I left my lesbian lover! Maybe the three of us would be together! But now that I've gotten a taste of variety, I probably couldn't even go back to a single triad!
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Old 08-10-2013, 01:08 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Welcome to the board.

How long has your wife and her old gf been seeing each other (and having sex, I presume) now? A couple months? Less than a year, it seems.

You really like this woman? You want to live with her? You're ready for another full time housemate? All her stuff being brought in? Melding your housekeeping standards?

Does she already live in your town?

Does she have pets? Kids?

Will your wife sleep (I mean SLEEP) with her gf half the nights now? Are you ready for sleeping alone? Or do you expect to share a large bed with both women?

Questions, questions. You seem very giving. How about what you expect to get out of this?
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me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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Old 08-10-2013, 03:18 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Such expectations....it's a big mistake. Why not just leave them to it than complicate things further by complex dynamics?
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Old 08-10-2013, 11:10 PM
Knightshade Knightshade is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Welcome to the board.

How long has your wife and her old gf been seeing each other (and having sex, I presume) now? A couple months? Less than a year, it seems.
In person their relationship lasted quite some time, we are currently separated by about 1100 or so miles, so the physical has been unavailable. Cybering, skyping, there are some unusual circumstances on her end that make daily contact difficult, due to lack of regular internet. She spends time talking to both of us and sometimes just with my wife. The time always seems to fly by.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
You really like this woman? You want to live with her? You're ready for another full time housemate? All her stuff being brought in? Melding your housekeeping standards?
Honestly I do, she's a lot like my wife, and she and I share a lot of the same interests and hobbies that my wife doesn't actually share (like paintball for instance.) So there is individual compatibility between us. I could easily see being in a regular relationship with her if I had somehow met her instead of my wife. We already have two other housemates, one old roommate who we let live with us (non-relationship related just a friend) while he goes to a trade school, and my father who we had to assume care of due to illness on his part.

She really doesn't have a lot of stuff, she's had a few setbacks in her life, so she's kept her material things quotient to a minimum.

As far as housekeeping standards, she knows how my wife is about things, and she's a neat person in kind with my wife. Of the three of us I'm the slob.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Does she already live in your town?
Nope, she lives very very far away, and is perfectly ok moving, since she's not from where she currently lives and has no real ties there, just went there for work.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Does she have pets? Kids?
Nope, none. She's allergic to cats, but we have dogs, and she likes dogs so we're good there too.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Will your wife sleep (I mean SLEEP) with her gf half the nights now? Are you ready for sleeping alone? Or do you expect to share a large bed with both women?
I don't believe in treating anyone like a second class citizen. We have had discussions about sleeping arrangements and our bedroom is big enough to accommodate bedding for 3 (though there is dickall for mfgs of larger bedding supplies.) In the short term she will have a separate bed in our bedroom, with the goal being we increase the size of our bed by buying a matching twin. I'm not expecting anything at all physical to happen between she and I anytime soon. She and my wife will probably be settling into finding each other again for a while before we even look at our relationship in anything but a platonic way. And I'm fine with that, my wife needed this, as I've said, I knew this was necessary for a while, and the way it has made my wife blossom has been tremendous.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Questions, questions. You seem very giving. How about what you expect to get out of this?
Getting? I prefer giving. I like helping people, I always have. I saw something my wife needed, I love her, I encouraged her to find fulfillment. That is the reward I wanted. My wife is already quite a handful for me sexually, she's always been a willing lover.
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Old 08-10-2013, 11:15 PM
Knightshade Knightshade is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Such expectations....it's a big mistake. Why not just leave them to it than complicate things further by complex dynamics?
this seems a bit half finished, so I'm not sure what you mean, but if you want to elaborate feel free.
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Old 08-11-2013, 10:54 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Knightshade View Post


this seems a bit half finished, so I'm not sure what you mean, but if you want to elaborate feel free.
Just stop seeing a potential relationship with her as a possibility, let them have their relationship AND the privacy it needs. If something happens in the future, normally and organically than that is one thing but I can see your expectations and what will eventually be insecurity from witnessing their NRE move you to subtly push for more intimacy from her.

The NRE will be even MORE in your face as she doesn't have her own space. I can appreciate that you might not have the room but I honestly feel that bedroom sharing is the worst possible thing you can do. She is used to her own space and suddenly she will not just share with her lover but her lovers husband? And then you are planning a big bed too so she will have no choice but to witness intimate moments between you and your wife and you don't even see this as being a potential problem?

It is a car crash dude and you had better re-think this pronto or in a few months one of you will be single and alone and you had better hope it is not you.
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Old 08-11-2013, 03:09 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Knightshade View Post
So we've invited this old flame to live with us, and share our lives with us, and in two months or so, she shall.

Our current configuration is a pretty straight V with my wife at the apex, but both the old flame and myself are open to it becoming a polyfi triad when we get to know (and hopefully love) each other better.
As you can see, you are going to hear some strong warnings about expectations and jumping right into a co-habitating configuration. In general, for most people, I am not going to disagree. However, every person/relationship/poly-tangle is different - so you should try whatever is right for you.

For us, we are "jump in and learn to swim" kind of folks. I need to live with people in order to really know them - so we skip the "dating and living apart" phase. Both (all two) times that I have done this, it has worked out fine. The three of us share a house and a bed - the boys are straight(but best friends).

Some people feel the need to have their own space...others don't. Some need their own space...but not when it comes to bedrooms. To each their own.

Even if everyone lives together and shares a bed, it is possible for each person to get as much "alone time" "couple time" and "shared time" as is required. You just need to be open and sensitive to everyone's needs.

Natja writes:
Quote:
And then you are planning a big bed too so she will have no choice but to witness intimate moments between you and your wife and you don't even see this as being a potential problem?
I've seen this written elsewhere and by others and I am somewhat bemused by it. Does everyone besides me follow some sort of "go to bed - have sex - go to sleep" ritual? Beds are for sleeping. Sex can happen anywhere. Beds can be used for sex when NOT being used for sleeping. Sharing a bed for sleeping does NOT have to mean sharing sex.

There are easy solutions to this, people. The two that want to have sex can go to bed early, have sex, fall asleep and be done before the un-involved party comes to bed. If everyone is in bed and two want to have sex they can move to the couch (or the living room floor, or the back yard, or whatever). Nobody has to witness or be involved in sex if they prefer not to. Jeesh.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 08-11-2013 at 03:10 PM. Reason: wrong username quoted
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  #9  
Old 08-11-2013, 03:30 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
There are easy solutions to this, people. The two that want to have sex can go to bed early, have sex, fall asleep and be done before the un-involved party comes to bed.
Yes. But what if the left out partner then wants to have sex with his wife or her gf? Do they kick out the previously fucked person?

Quote:
If everyone is in bed and two want to have sex they can move to the couch (or the living room floor, or the back yard, or whatever). Nobody has to witness or be involved in sex if they prefer not to.
Well, in this case there is a platonic housemate friend and an ill elderly father around. So I kind of doubt the couch or living room floor is a good place for getting it on. Maybe the back yard. Maybe a bathroom.

Does Dad know about this woman coming to live with you? Your wife's lover, suddenly sharing your lives and bed?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #10  
Old 08-11-2013, 03:46 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I have seen this situation arise in the blogosphere before, in that case, there were scheduled 'dyad nights' in which one dyad went up to the bedroom and the other person was locked out of their bedroom until the post coital couple came down. And my complaint about it was the same as here, who wants to be locked out of their own bloody bedroom? How is someone not going to feel excluded from that?

Sorry but no, if it is my home, where I hope to live freely I do not under any circumstances want to be told that I cannot come into my own bedroom (I will make allowances for anyone wrapping me up a birthday present but that is it!!).

Maybe some people are not as precious with their space as I am, I appreciate that but the point is, you may not realise how you are until you experience the alternative and what happens when she moves 1000 miles and then realises that she feels a little crowded by it all? She is in a more vulnerable position than the dad and the lodger. And when she or the husband whoever are banned from the bedroom for sexy time what are they to do? Make small talk with the other occupants of the house?

At least with the blog triad they did not have other adults in the house.
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