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  #31  
Old 12-19-2013, 04:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am very sorry you are going through this. It sounds terrible.

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The strict moral background is what kills me. And I think you're right-the shame about sex that FJ felt from a very early age because of it drove him underground and made this a shadow life.
This might be a reason, but it is not an excuse for his behavior. He could choose to feel shame and deal with it in appropriate ways.

It is a normal part of faith development to arrive at a time/place where you question the childhood faith to see if it still resonates or if you want to change traditions for young adulthood. Sometimes a person considers it again many times over across the many stages of life -- esp after big life stuff happens like a death in the family or a birth in the family.

People and their spiritual needs keep changing. While it is nice when one faith path can meet all the needs at all stages and ages, sometimes it does not and it is up to the individual to determine how they want to tend to their spiritual health and what role organized religion/community worship may or may not have in it at each point in time.

I believe a person's faith (of whatever religious tradition) is there to help shape one's character and encourage them to become their best self. No
religion that I know of encourages lies.

The behavior you describe is not in keeping with good character (to me.)
The behavior you describe is not sounding like him trying to be his best self. (to me.)

He's not been honest with himself and tending to his changing spiritual needs.
He's not been honest with his wife about his changing relationshipping needs.
Instead he chose less than honest or respectful behaviors.
There's a general lack of honesty all around it seems.

I hope you can get through this separation / divorce as quickly as possible.
It sounds like the best decision for YOU for your own long term health -- however painful it is and whatever emotional load you will have to process in the short term. Divorce is never fun.

Quote:
He's already given me a hard time about money just being separated. I don't trust him at all, or presume to know what he'll do. I have to be ready for anything. The kids are my biggest focus right now.
That concerns me. Be careful of the "starve the spouse" game.

If you have finances saved up in joint, could consider pulling out your half of existing funds right now so the kids and you have something solid to live on during this transition time. Make a new checking acct in your name only. You don't need his permission to make withdraws if you are a joint holder on the old one. Then you don't have to engage in monthly fussing with your husband about bills. That just adds to stress all around. Save it for the big meetings with the lawyers.

Then later you could talk to mediator/lawyer/judge whoever it needs to be about separating additional marital assets, debts, and incoming funds. But anyone can see you need money to live on and deal with the kids in the transition time. So does he. So..... just remove your share and state what you did to the lawyers/mediators to fine tune arrangements later.

Being nickel and dime about how to deal with providing the kids with a calm home environment at this time is not in their best interest.

Again, I am very sorry you are experiencing this. I hope healing comes for you as quickly as possible.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-19-2013 at 04:58 PM.
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  #32  
Old 12-19-2013, 04:38 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Please don't just withdraw the money into cash. Move it into another account, or even write checks to your most commonly used credit cards so that you have a surplus balance to get automatically deducted as you spend them.

Ideally you would write a check and have it deposited into a private bank account he can't access.
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  #33  
Old 12-20-2013, 12:56 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Re (from GalaGirl):
Quote:
"No religion that I know of encourages lies."
Ah, can I introduce you to the Mormon church ...
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  #34  
Old 12-20-2013, 01:47 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Like I said... that I know of. *shrug* I don't claim to know everything. And my personal experience isn't the same as others. YMMV.

While I know a few Mormons, they do not lie in their behavior. So my experience of the religion is framed in terms of these few people and how they express/practice their faith/beliefs. I'm not Mormon so I can't say what it is to be educated in that faith path or how other Mormons choose to express/practice their faith/beliefs.

That said... if the husband is unhappy in his faith path (whatever it is) and it doesn't serve him well? If he's unhappy with his sex life? He could have chosen to deal with that appropriately. He could have chosen to behave in a different way than choosing to skulk about seeking prostitutes, lying to his wife, or taking naked pix of her while she is unaware to give to other people. He just... didn't. He chose the behavior he chose.

So now OP has to deal with it and for that I am very sorry. It sounds like a terrible ordeal.

I think she's making a good choice to break up, heal, and then start anew later in her new life without him. A good relationship can't exist without trust and communication. She's endured heavy betrayal of trust.

Hang in there, franchescasc!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-20-2013 at 03:56 AM.
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  #35  
Old 12-20-2013, 01:52 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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I totally agree. And, I don't mean to hijack with my own personal story. Perhaps I'll say more in some other thread sometime. For now it's enough to say that the husband totally doesn't have a good excuse for his ridiculous behavior. I vote for a divorce, but I know that's kind of the plan by now anyway.
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  #36  
Old 12-21-2013, 03:41 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Thank you Galagirl. Trust is everything. Without it-any type of relationship is hard to have-much less a meaningful life partnership. Starting life anew with 5 children and no extended family will be the hardest thing I've ever done. But I intend to do it and excel at it.
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