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  #11  
Old 08-08-2013, 10:12 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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There is nothing wrong with wanting to establish an identity outside of being FJ's wife and your children's mum. It is never too late to re-create yourself and figure out who you are and what you want out of life. You are only in your 30s. Change is good.
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  #12  
Old 08-09-2013, 04:26 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Your faith is shifting, you've had some major losses recently, moving into poly, etc. That's a lot going on all at once. Make no big major life altering decisions right now, let things settle down a while. I remember feeling very similar to how you describe when I started to alter my religious/political views away from my husbands. It settled down after I finally found peace with my beliefs. Once I was comfortable with where I stood and not just fighting against everything I once new, I didn't feel so off balance (the only way I can think to describe it) with my husband.

It almost sounds like your in what I call the "supposed to" trap. I'm supposed to have friends from the same religion, I'm supposed to feel a specific way about my husband, love is supposed to feel... However, spending your life trying to achieve the "supposed to" ideals, leads to a great deal of unhappiness. I spent years trying to make friends within a one specific group or another, there was never that connection were I felt comfortable enough to spill my secrets. When I pulled away from the church and some of my husbands activities I did find some really good friends that I connected with almost instantly. Of course much of this realization of what I'd been doing (to myself) hit me while the husband and I were going through one of our worst times and almost divorced.

Do you and your husband work good together as a partnership with kids and household? If so why give that up because you think you SHOULD feel a certain way. No reason to replace the car just because the it need brakes and tires. It's not uncommon for couples in long term marriages to no longer share the same interests and hobbies.

About the concert - If you like to push your way to the front, why didn't you? Talk about it before hand (don't surprise him ) and coordinate a meeting time and place for afterwards and other contingencies, etc. He may enjoy watching you get wild but just not want to participate. I know I feel anxious when I know my husband is not doing something, because he feels I don't want to do it and instead of talking to me and making plans he just stays with me and is bored.
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  #13  
Old 12-18-2013, 02:00 AM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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I don't know why I've logged on. Guess I'm just looking for somewhere to keep my thoughts together. Lots has changed since August.

I stopped posting here because through all the difficult convos I was having with FJ, I realized he was reading my posts. He may be reading this now. Who knows. I just needed to work out my thoughts without feeling like by writing them here that meant they were permanent feelings or my conclusions. We began to have very intense conversations where I laid everything on the table. Religion, not wanting any more children, our lifestyle, grief, sexuality, etc. FJ was verbally abusive and flew off the handle fairly regularly the whole month of August. It was awful. But he managed to calm down and talk rationally with me and we recommitted to working on our relationship. I was hopeful.

MD and I just sort of fizzled out. Still closest of friends, but nothing sexual or even romantic. Just too much stress, and it was a kind of natural shift that we didn't really talk about. We still talk every day and hang out often-it's just a different relationship now.

Here's the thing. October 25 I was online working on FJs business website because he had been bugging me about adding new info. I couldn't remember the password so I reset it. I called and asked him to go into his email to reset it. He was short tempered and told me he was busy and couldn't get to it. So I logged in myself (his passwords are all just variations of each other) I noticed an email in his inbox that was from Craigslist. Then I clicked on the sent emails. What I found was dozens of emails from the last couple of months soliciting strangers for sex, back rubs and pics. There was even one ad he posted on Craigslist. The emails were inviting people to play when I wasn't home. At my house. While my 5 small children were sleeping. I was furious. I kept digging and found log ins and subscriptions for fuckbook and other casual sex sites as well as cyber sex and online chat rooms that he paid for.

Quick history-8 years ago when we were super patriarchal and conservative-I found out that he had been visiting strip clubs while out of town for work. This was 2-3 days per week-he went alone and paid for lap dances. All the while he gave me hell for going out to Starbucks or indulging at chic fil a with the kids. At this time I was pregnant and had 3 children 5 and under. When I found out I pretty much blamed myself, for not taking care of his needs and we started to have sex 1-3x daily. I opened myself up sexually and determined I would fulfill his every fantasy. I went to strip clubs with him, watched porn with him, etc. I drew the line on hiring a sex worker or going to a sex club. I def needed emotional attachment to be comfortable with sexual activity. Obviously we opened up our relationship last year. Which I now feel sort of duped about. Working that out in therapy.

When I confronted him about the sex solicitations he claimed that nothing ever happened, that it was all a mind game, etc etc. fast forward two weeks and he admits to hiring a prostitute back 8 years ago when he was visiting the strip clubs. I point blank asked him that back then and he denied it. He said he couldn't perform, and so he masturbated next to her. Ugh. Then he tells me he did call an escort service here but it was too expensive so he didn't go through with it. He admitted to spending money on live chats and phone sex for this whole time. But swears nothing else has happened. He conveniently hasn't had intercourse with anyone. I find it impossible to believe that he's actually paid a prostitute and been actively looking and soliciting for 8 years, and yet hasn't gone through with it. I feel like I never knew this man. After everything we went through this last year and being open and honest and trusting-and I find out it was one sided. He has always had an emotional disconnection from me. And now I know why. I also found out he took pictures of me naked while I was sleeping and sent them to someone online. I feel like a sex object.

He is out of the house, although he comes here to be with the kids a few nights a week. I sleep at MDs 2-3 nights a week I'm the guest room. Which honestly sucks. I feel like an intruder, our friendship seems strained, and I need some space to be alone and grieve the marriage and man I thought I had. Grieve for my children, all of it. I really don't know what to do or where to go. By feel like he has killed the love I had for him. And after a lifetime of struggle with both parents as addicts-I'm almost positive that struggling through recovery with him will kill my soul. And I'm not being dramatic-it just seems impossible to me.
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  #14  
Old 12-18-2013, 11:14 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Wow, how absolutely dreadful (((hugs))) I am really sorry to hear this.

I missed this the first time around and had no idea it was an old thread, just read it from the beginning, I was just going to reply to you saying how much FJ seems like my ex husband. Same personality type, very introverted and how I did not know about Poly back then but I felt stifled and miserable in my marriage. At the time I did not realise but he is on the spectrum and did not really know how to communicate well, he used to tell me stupid lies and fly off the handle over silly things, but hey, what the heck does one know at 21/22?

But this update has floored me, I can understand completely why you feel so deceived.
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  #15  
Old 12-18-2013, 01:08 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Wow, how devastating! Appalling! I wouldn't let him into the house. I'd divorce that man so fast his head would spin. You definitely do not need to support him through "recovery" from his sex addiction.

The hypocrisy of spending major bucks on lap dances, phone sex, prostitutes, even just the expensive drinks at the strip clubs, while castigating and guilt tripping you for taking your kids to ChickFilA.

My sympathies, hon.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #16  
Old 12-18-2013, 01:55 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Default Hypocrisy

That's just the tip of the hypocrisy iceberg. When we talked about me no longer going to church, he insulted me and said things like I had no purpose in life, etc. all the while he was trolling for hookers and special massages. I feel like I'm in the twighligt zone. And it's really hard for me to not feel like the relationship with MD has been sullied irreparably because of all this.
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  #17  
Old 12-18-2013, 02:06 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
And it's really hard for me to not feel like the relationship with MD has been sullied irreparably because of all this.

May I ask why? Sorry I don't know the background.

I don't blame you for feeling out of sorts though.
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  #18  
Old 12-18-2013, 02:11 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Well, because of FJ's involvement in the relationship as a triad for a bit. Idk, everything is just so confusing. I feel duped, and guilty for ever bringing her into this mess. Hard to explain.
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franchescasc-32, bi poly female in V relationship with:
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MD-34, gf for 8 months
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  #19  
Old 12-18-2013, 02:25 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
Well, because of FJ's involvement in the relationship as a triad for a bit. Idk, everything is just so confusing. I feel duped, and guilty for ever bringing her into this mess. Hard to explain.
How does she feel about the situation? Is she sickened by him? Has she been supportive?
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  #20  
Old 12-18-2013, 02:45 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Yes, she is sickened by him. She is supportive of me, I am staying at her place a few days a week when he is with the kids.
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franchescasc-32, bi poly female in V relationship with:
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