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Old 08-06-2013, 04:51 AM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 48
Default Long term poly update!

So I know some of the more senior members on her might remember me from the past couple years and after the past week I thought it was a good time to post an update for others as well as ask for some advice.

If others are interested in my story just search the forums with my username. It's entertaining to say the least!

Well my last post mentioned I was thinking of re-entering into a poly relationship with the same OSO. Well I took a lot of time and thinking but decided to restart things but with an understanding that it just might not be for me. So off we went the four of us. I guess what really helped me turn the page was two events which made me love my OSO so much it naturally brought me back into having a poly relationship.

First was her unwavering support for me during one of the worst times in my life. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and every few years they popup and make life very difficult. I mean like if I didn't have kids I might be suicidal kind of difficult. During the end of our initial poly experience my anxiety came back stronger than ever. Perhaps some was caused by me struggling with being poly but there were other things at play. I had just accepted a new job in a totally new role in a very stressful and ruthless work environment. I was a mess but everyday she was there for me. She helped me through the real difficult attacks and that support meant the world. Even my wife was better however it still wasn't the kind of support I needed.

Second was a trip I took to Portland, OR. for business. I got stranded out there due to a winter storm back in NJ so I had nothing to do for 3 days. I was alone and love mountains and snow and visited Mt. Hood. WOW. It was amazingly beautiful. I was just in aw of the place. I was in heaven. However I just felt like I had nobody to share it with. My wife is not a winter weather person but my OSO likes all seasons. I just got myself thinking that we enjoy so much together I wished she was there with me so we can share in how awesome the place was.

Fast forward a bit and it's valentines day. Things in my life are better. Wife and me are better. Anxiety is being managed and I am doing very well in my new job. Wife and I get to talking about exchanging cards with our OSO's so we agree we will. On my way over there she was encouraging me to "give her a kiss". It was no secret my wife had no problems with poly as she had hinted a few times before. So there I went with card in hand and a few minutes in we exchanged a kiss.

Since then it's been good. I haven't had nearly the problems I had first go around. I still have issues where I am extremely attracted to my wife but not so much with my OSO however sex is still enjoyable. For example I try and pry sex out of my wife all the time but I don't feel that urge too often with my OSO.

I would say I still struggle with figuring out the attraction issue. I can't help the way I feel. It's a mind/hormonal thing that I cannot control. Example, long flowing hair is like a fetish to me. Drives me wild but my OSO doesn't have that not even close. I sometimes think I stayed with my wife all the bad years because she is hot. At least my attraction to her plays a big role in my marriage.

So I continue to evaluate and question myself but I am enjoying my relationship with my OSO and my wife.
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Old 08-07-2013, 12:22 AM
Delphinius Delphinius is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Great Northwet
Posts: 32
Default thx for update!

pb123, thanks for letting me know you'd updated; was so hoping life was leveling out for you

So happy & glad to read that the gorgeous mountains of the Northwest were healing to your soul. I cherish the scenery out here finding peace in the wondrous beauty of the mountains, water & green healing of nature. Reminds me how essentially we humans are 'bugs' to mother earth, we toil in our little worlds of emotions & stresses of the moment & mother earth endures strong & steadfast in millennia. Not that I don't still get way too upset or emotional about things but the scenery does seem to help me find my balance faster. There is a great George Carlin to youtube about mother earth deciding she's had enough of humans hurting her so she'll just take us all out one day and then heal herself as if we were never here, lol.

Very happy you are finding better balance and wanted to let you know that my situation is so much more balanced & happy now as well, after a ton of work, patience, pitfalls & unconditional love. If there's anything to offer from my marriage's experience is to keep working on yourself! Keep working to believe without a doubt, deep in your heart & soul that you are a strong person who has a lot of love to share & worthy of all the kinds of love others may want to give you.

My husband & I have always had a very strong marriage specifically because of our excellent communication but when another love entered the picture it spotlighted the ruts & complacency we'd let ourselves fall into over the 20+ years together and highlighted the things (like some sex things) we really couldn't talk about due primarily to the era we were raised in. He reflected & found some changes he wanted to make in his life to help him feel better about himself and to help him be a better mate (even he's always been an amazing, wonderful man!). Going through it all, even when he felt compersion for me having sex with another man, he was also jealous of 'his wife stupping (sp?) another man'.

I'm really starting to wonder if many of human jealousy issues are made up of:
a.) societal programming where human's achieve to 'possess' things which includes spouses & children and thus feel jealous when someone else 'plays' with their things
and/or
b.) our own lack of self-worth/esteem leading to personal questions of "why am I not enough for the person I love? What am I lacking or not giving my love so that they want/need to go outside of us for fulfillment?"

Guess I should look up Galagirl's jealousy articles again to see if they might have some answers as to genesis of jealousy.

Turned out we were in a vulnerable place in our marriage, it needed work & that was the spark that took us to a better level. Not ideal, I imagine most couples don't make it through something like this. Opening up has been a complete & total nightmare sometimes and oh so worth it! It's made my marriage so much more transparent & fun & honest in addition the experiences of being with someone else, something new; wow! Living with and for everything mother nature wants for us

Continued happiness & peace of heart to you and those you love! Keep it up!
~Delph
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