Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 08-06-2013, 02:23 AM
RobynsMom RobynsMom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 8
Default

Really like what you wrote. Thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Just talk. You haven't alienated her. She's withdrawing herself. Maybe email her what you just said. Maybe like...
"I was wondering if you could be willing to talk and clear the air?

Your husband told me that since you learned I'm poly, you might not want me volunteering or working here in the future. I am sorry if anything I said made you uncomfortable. I want to make my intentions clear.

My heart is a little sore because I was happy in our friendship as it was, and my coming out to you was because I wanted to be honest about my husband and I's relationship and outlook. Become authentic friends. Now, you seem cold and maybe even a little competitive with me. Maybe I'm perceiving that wrong.

I'm scared that I have alienated you. Our children love spending time together, and I don't have any interest in a romantic relationship with your or your partner. My intention is/was to grow as friends and get to know each other better, not rope off your partner or stir up bad feelings in you.

Could you be willing to keep growing the friendship? Or would you prefer we break off growing the friendship? I would like to know where you stand."
There. Ball's in her court.

If she wants to do the friend break up -- just say "I see. I'm sorry you don't want to grow as friends. But I'll respect your limit." And walk away.

Could not lean away from potential conflict. Could lean into it and just get it resolved one way or another. It isn't because you are horrible or anything. She just never had to deal with this before or she doesn't WANT to have to deal with this or both. If she's not willing to participate in a friendship because of her own baggage, so be it. But walk away leaving her with doubt -- "Those poly people are... nice and normal?" Then maybe the next time she encounters a poly person as a friend she'll wig less.

OR... maybe it all gets sorted out and there. Friendship grown from having this experience.

I'll hope for the best.

GL!
Galagirl
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 08-06-2013, 02:55 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by RobynsMom View Post
Lol. Well then. Glad to have that cleared up. Its interesting that, when correcting grammar, you've neglected to apply similar grammatical principles of structure to your own sentences. JUST.SAYING.

Shoot, my husband and I's dinner is gonna burn.. Gotta run.
Yes, sometimes I get lazy when I'm in a hurry and/or on the ipod, but this particular wrongness is usually due to ignorance (not knowing any better), not laziness.

But by all means, I want to know if I am wrong so I can correct it, not so I can just thumb my nose at people who are trying to help me out.

So maybe you should pay more attention to you're and you're husband's dinner instead of my constructive criticism, and perhaps you won't have to eat that nasty black crud that was supposed to be food.

ETA: clearly you were fibbing about your burning dinner or you wouldn't have bothered to respond to gala Girl separately less than a minute later. But point taken. You think she's fabulous and I, not so much.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 08-06-2013 at 02:58 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 08-06-2013, 05:14 AM
RobynsMom RobynsMom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 8
Default

Hey... I get it. Smarmy corrections of your ignorant peers so that the online world is a better place.

More often then not, I have wonderful writing skills. I think that when I'm writing in a more relaxed environment, not in an academic setting, I become more laid back and less fixated on the "right way" to say something, and more about the flow of language and what is expressed.

I think you're trolling, btw.



Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Yes, sometimes I get lazy when I'm in a hurry and/or on the ipod, but this particular wrongness is usually due to ignorance (not knowing any better), not laziness.

But by all means, I want to know if I am wrong so I can correct it, not so I can just thumb my nose at people who are trying to help me out.

So maybe you should pay more attention to you're and you're husband's dinner instead of my constructive criticism, and perhaps you won't have to eat that nasty black crud that was supposed to be food.

ETA: clearly you were fibbing about your burning dinner or you wouldn't have bothered to respond to gala Girl separately less than a minute later. But point taken. You think she's fabulous and I, not so much.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 08-06-2013, 05:20 AM
northhome northhome is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Western Europe
Posts: 173
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
You think she's fabulous and I, not so much.
That makes little sense I fear.

"You think she's fabulous and that I am not."

is a better construction.
__________________
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 08-06-2013, 08:16 AM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 780
Default

Perhaps not for what he was trying to say. I read it as "You think she's fabulous and I don't (think she's fabulous)".
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 08-06-2013, 08:40 AM
northhome northhome is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Western Europe
Posts: 173
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
Perhaps not for what he was trying to say. I read it as "You think she's fabulous and I don't (think she's fabulous)".
Yes, it could be read that way as well. All the more reason to express oneself in an unambiguous fashion unless one intends to leave readers in a state of unclarity.
__________________
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 08-06-2013, 01:25 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Default You didn't alienate anyone

and the mistake that many people make is to not say something to people that you are becoming more than just acquaintances with. It is a very touchy subject and no right way or right timing is the best way as it is completely dependent of the person.

But in general, it's always bad to not be completely respectful of other relationships as even innocent flirting can be a problem if they are friends you think you might come out to at any point in the future.

It sounds like you handled everything the absolute best you could, and in the end that is all you can do. Some people cannot be informed without taking it bad, however I do believe that if you thought enough of them to think the would handle it OK, then there is probably a way that it can be done. So remember that being caught off guard typically brings a repelling reactions so make sure you are open and inviting is she ever initiates questions or hints she wants to discuss it. Some people are horrible at apologizing even if it was only a reaction and understandable.

You are going to need to be very cautious about interacting with the husband as you never really know what is going on between them unless you spend every waking moment with them. Some people are so afraid of living honestly or having to deal with the reality of life and how they really feel that it becomes habit to put on an act.

Being afraid to be who you are when you understand how to consciously care about those you don't personally know if one of the saddest things in this world that happens to otherwise "privileged" life, such as that of Americans, Canadians, and European Countries.

A life lived honestly in a conscious and aware manner so that you understand who you truly are is so different from an life wherein you feel like you have to hide. There is a night and day difference between the quality of those two lives that it could be described as heaven and hell -- even when they person who remained hidden thinks the had a great life -- mostly because they aren't aware that they have yet to live it.

Because most people truly don't understand these things, it's as if the majority of civilization has pathological sickness, except nobody recognizes it.

We use all of the really terrible occurrences that men bring upon other men as an excuse to call the status quo "fine" but it is not fine at all.

The clearest indication of severely unhealthy psychological frame of mind is the fact that many people have an easier time showing their true self to complete strangers or only with anonymity, rather than the freedom that comes from living a liberated life with people you love. Not very many many people truly understand what Love is, because there is no such thing as understanding Love, but not being able to surrender completely.

Those who do not surrender, do not understand it at all. And those who do, know exactly what I mean
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 08-06-2013, 06:10 PM
RobynsMom RobynsMom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 8
Default

I couldn't agree more with what you've said. Thank you for the words of wisdom. I tend to be very empathic and take a mindful approach to the perspective of the other, which can lead me to feeling exhausted when dealing with these kinds of matters where others are acting unconsciously out of their own insecurities.

What makes this scenario even more difficult, being someone in the poly community, is that male partner is very physically and emotionally expressive to other people- men and women.

It is very likely that he is poly, but hasn't reconciled that with his long term relationship with this woman.

I agree that I need to be very cautious. I don't think he intentionally uses physical consistently in order to conceal the expression of any kind of sexual attraction, but that is how it feels to me... I'm not sure how to draw up a boundary that isn't off-putting. Maybe just not responding with the warm, lingering hugs that he doles out to any and everyone?

Dunno... but I do have a tremendous amount of respect for their relationship in whatever form they want it to be. **sigh**
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 08-06-2013, 08:50 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,224
Default

If his hugs make you uncomfortable? Could keep it simple -- don't hug. You see him coming? Could stick out your hand for a handshake and head him off. Could tell him to dial it down with the hugs around you. He'll get the message.

If he asks why -- could point to his wife's discomfort and your desire to not rock the boat and be respectful.

It doesn't have to be a bigger thing than that.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-06-2013 at 08:58 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 08-08-2013, 12:43 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

No way in hell would I ever recommend saying to the wife that she seems cold and competitive to you. I also would not do this in an email - it should be face-to-face so you can look into her eyes, read body language, be ready with a hug, etc. Nor would I tell her that her husband relayed the information that she might not want to have you over. That, to me, is poor advice. You had a conversation with the husband, now have a conversation with her. Leave him out of it. Follow what Flowerchild said - her advice is much better than GaglaGirl's in this case.

Keep It Simple, Sweetie.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:20 PM.