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  #1  
Old 08-05-2013, 10:15 PM
RobynsMom RobynsMom is offline
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Question Making frenemies...?

My husband and I have been together 3 years, have a toddler, and have always had the intention of having an open relationship.

We practice transparency, talk about polyamory, what we want, what we don't want, etc, etc.

Our families know, mostly, that we have an open relationship.

About 8 months ago, we moved to a new area of the country. Its a progressive, small city.

Its been slow meeting people since we work a lot and I also go to school, but over the last few months we've been spending more time with a couple that also has a toddler, who seem like pretty conscious folks.

We hadn't told them that we were poly because our priority was just making friends and finding playmates for our young child.

Recently, after some drinks, I came out to them as having an open relationship, but didn't suggest or intimate that I was interested in either of them, nor was my husband. Rather, we simply told them it was a relief not having to hide that part of ourselves in conversation with people we were friends with..

Incidentally, I am attracted to the male partner in their dyad; something really clicks for us, but we're not flirty or by any means acting interested in either of them.

Since I told them, her demeanor has changed towards me. I occasionally volunteer or have hours on their farm, and work alongside the male partner during the week. The last time we did, he was very expressive in his personal interest in polyamory, but that he would never want to because his partner has many abandonment issues and cannot conceive of being poly. He picked my brain about polyamory.

I never told him I was attracted to him, didn't give him any signs or eyes... but he told me that since she learned I'm poly, his partner might not want me volunteering or working there in the future.

My heart is a little sore because I was happy in our friendship as it was, but I wanted to be honest about my husband and I's relationship and outlook.

Now, she seems cold and maybe even a little competitive with me.

I'm scared that I have alienated her. Our children love spending time together, and I don't have any interest in a non-consensual relationship with her partner, or even admitting my crush given her perspective.


Any words of advice to me? I'm a newbie at disclosure. Can I make it right again?
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  #2  
Old 08-05-2013, 10:31 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Sorry you have experienced it but sadly some people will never be comfortable with it, when she thought you were a normal 'married' type you were safe, now she is simply treating you like she probably treats single women, as a threat.
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  #3  
Old 08-05-2013, 10:56 PM
Flear Flear is offline
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without creating problems, ... in your shoes, i'd try my darnedest to be rid of the 'crush' feelings you have for the other husband. personally i'd be concerned that he may be curious in thinking he could get casual sex out of the deal

as for the wife, ... people confronted with things they're not comfortable with can do one of two things, inquire to figure out what is going on (the hubby), or refuse to talk about it and let their mind fill with all the worst case scenarios imaginable (the wife)

we know how important communication is to overcome jealousy and whatever other issues and insecurities we may have, ... if we talk about them we can realize what is going on and find that they were just imaginations and not real, ... if we don't talk about them, it has a tendency to ruin one or more of our relationships.

as i write this i think more about things, ...

if hubby is honestly curious, that's fine, he's sharing his wives thoughts.
if the wife is feeling threatened by you, ... those are her insecurities, then it becomes important that she knows you are honestly not interested in her husband.

she's obviously not comfortable talking about it, and is very comfortable letting her insecurities rule her mind.

if you leave, her insecurities will still rule her mind where her husband is concerned.

leave or stay depending on if it's worth trying to work things out or if that becomes too much work.

if you stay, sit down and talk with the wife, everyone at the table, she will either decide forget it (also that it's too much work to be worth staying), or she starts to see that what's really going on is different from her imaginations

then your child still has a playdate

... if things change down the road (she has warmed up to at least consider you friendly enough to still be friends), if you can't get rid of your crush, wait for her to mention something directly to you, ... i just think if hubby said something, i'd be overly worried it's without the wives consent ... tell him to have his wife tell you it's alright instead. (then act like you had only been thinking about it since hubby first said anything and your just starting to consider the possibilities)
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Old 08-05-2013, 10:59 PM
Flear Flear is offline
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if everything turns out well, i could guess that if she finds you've been thinking about her man since now, no matter how far she's come she'll never trust you or your hubby again.
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  #5  
Old 08-05-2013, 11:59 PM
RobynsMom RobynsMom is offline
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Thanks everyone, good food for thought.

Tabling my crush indefinitely won't be a big deal for me. I will keep it between my hubby and myself. Just file it under all the other one's that got away. : )

I did have the idea to ask for a few minutes of her time to sit down and ask her how she was feeling and if she wanted to talk about it (not being poly, but my intentions).

I was thinking of establishing a boundary where I didn't discuss polyamory with her partner. He is a very inquiring mind, and although I don't think he wants casual sex or to cheat on his partner, he is very curious about it and very open about his desire for sex with other people even though he will remain monogamous with his partner (seems like trouble down the line for them, but thats my private opine.)

The problem I see is that she resents me for being open to conversations on taboo subjects with her partner, irrespective of my interest or lack thereof in either of them. That's the feeling I'm getting... that its more about the breaking of the taboo thats driving the tensions... Perhaps she feels sex is something only she can talk about with him... yet, oddly, he is very "sex-positive" and frank in his communication with others. Hmm..
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  #6  
Old 08-06-2013, 12:52 AM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Honestly, this is why I don't have married friends outside of the poly community. It's simply not worth the hassle.

As a bit of advice, I've never done, but hope the chance will come soon with my current relationship, if you actually want this relationship to continue, I'd suggest this: Tell her you need to sit down and talk. Then simply and concisely state that, yes, you are poly, but that you feel this has led her to believe you are after her husband, and that is not the case. And that you hope this won't affect the children's friendship (guilt trip? a little, but seriously, she needs to grow up). My guess is she'll react by denying she had any such thoughts (she'll likely not want to admit to her insecurities!), and you'll have squashed any argument she might have come up with in her head to use against you in future ("I always KNEW you were secretly after my husband!").

Even if it doesn't work, she'll have no standing to keep up this fake reality in her head of what she KNOWS you're really like.
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  #7  
Old 08-06-2013, 01:21 AM
RobynsMom RobynsMom is offline
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Default yes

Thats really great advice about the meeting. I can see it playing out that way. Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate it.
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  #8  
Old 08-06-2013, 01:45 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Just talk. You haven't alienated her. She's withdrawing herself. Maybe email her what you just said. Maybe like...
"I was wondering if you could be willing to talk and clear the air?

Your husband told me that since you learned I'm poly, you might not want me volunteering or working here in the future. I am sorry if anything I said made you uncomfortable. I want to make my intentions clear.

My heart is a little sore because I was happy in our friendship as it was, and my coming out to you was because I wanted to be honest about my husband and I's relationship and outlook. Become authentic friends. Now, you seem cold and maybe even a little competitive with me. Maybe I'm perceiving that wrong.

I'm scared that I have alienated you. Our children love spending time together, and I don't have any interest in a romantic relationship with your or your partner. My intention is/was to grow as friends and get to know each other better, not rope off your partner or stir up bad feelings in you.

Could you be willing to keep growing the friendship? Or would you prefer we break off growing the friendship? I would like to know where you stand."
There. Ball's in her court.

If she wants to do the friend break up -- just say "I see. I'm sorry you don't want to grow as friends. But I'll respect your limit." And walk away.

Could not lean away from potential conflict. Could lean into it and just get it resolved one way or another. It isn't because you are horrible or anything. She just never had to deal with this before or she doesn't WANT to have to deal with this or both. If she's not willing to participate in a friendship because of her own baggage, so be it. But walk away leaving her with doubt -- "Those poly people are... nice and normal?" Then maybe the next time she encounters a poly person as a friend she'll wig less.

OR... maybe it all gets sorted out and there. Friendship grown from having this experience.

I'll hope for the best.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-06-2013 at 01:52 AM.
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  #9  
Old 08-06-2013, 01:49 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
my husband and I's relationship and outlook.
My and my husband's relationship.

MY AND MY HUSBAND's relationship. (or My husband's and my [whatever].)

NOT "my husband and I's" ANYTHING.

There is NO.SUCH.THING as "[...] and I's".

EVER.

That is all.
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  #10  
Old 08-06-2013, 02:22 AM
RobynsMom RobynsMom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
My and my husband's relationship.

MY AND MY HUSBAND's relationship. (or My husband's and my [whatever].)

NOT "my husband and I's" ANYTHING.

There is NO.SUCH.THING as "[...] and I's".

EVER.

That is all.
Lol. Well then. Glad to have that cleared up. Its interesting that, when correcting grammar, you've neglected to apply similar grammatical principles of structure to your own sentences. JUST.SAYING.

Shoot, my husband and I's dinner is gonna burn.. Gotta run.
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