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  #11  
Old 08-03-2013, 05:26 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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The only person you can control is yourself. If you are uncomfortable you can protect yourself. Its your partners job to do the same.

You can while protecting yourself have that conversation with your metamour but that depends on your relationship with them

We have a general rule. We protect ourselves and go from there. If everyone involved respects everyone else it'd a domino effect. If there is no respect.. Then we as a group aren't likely to be involved anyways
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  #12  
Old 08-03-2013, 06:28 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Always have the conversation about any topic you feel is important.

But no, its not really beneficial to tell someone else how to alter their behavior. It is MUCH more beneficial to let them know respectfully that you are altering your own behavior to meet the safety needs you feel need adressed for your well being.
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  #13  
Old 08-03-2013, 06:54 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Well since std treatments would cost money from our family I feel I have a right to say to N that I don't want him doing as anything rinky. He's only "fluid bonded" with J and me. I don't care who she sleeps with but the agreement is if she chooses to fluid bond with someone else then she and N will go back to condoms. I will never fluid bond with anyone else.
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  #14  
Old 08-04-2013, 03:01 AM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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So to clarify...I was implying I didn't want my bf having unprotected anal with her until this other guy was tested...but as some have said, I suppose I can't ask him to alter his behavior. Others have asked where I see risk...I suppose I don't trust this new relationship and bf is fluid bonded with her...I know she's using condoms with him and me with bf...so I may be being irrational, but it was always a standard before that new partners be tested. I guess I could give him no oral while that guy is untested and try to feel safe in condoms
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  #15  
Old 08-04-2013, 04:32 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
I was implying I didn't want my bf having unprotected anal with her until this other guy was tested
Sorry, hasn't she been tested? He is sleeping with her, not him, so surely the fact that she has recent negative results should alleviate your concern?

Quote:
I suppose I don't trust this new relationship and bf is fluid bonded with her.
You don't have to trust her new relationship, it has nothing to do with you, you are her metamour. If a metamour dating outside your network spooks you so much, how will it be if one of your partners did?

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I guess I could give him no oral while that guy is untested and try to feel safe in condoms
But the person he is sleeping with has negative test results, right? Remember, your husband is untested and could have an std that you are attempting to protect yourself from here. I understand that your husband's partner(s) have negative test results, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have something like herpes that they have not contracted thus far. I assume that this is your concern with this guy: he could have something dormant that your boyfriend's wife hasn't contracted so far. I agree that this does present a small risk, but objectively, it is true of your husband too.
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  #16  
Old 08-04-2013, 11:18 AM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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She was tested before this guy, he's brand new, so yes thus guy is the concern. I don't consider my spouse a risk because we have to use condoms for birth control, and the only people he has slept with are clean
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  #17  
Old 08-04-2013, 11:22 AM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Sorry I should also clarify, he had been with no one else since the last time being tested, then only slept with each of them once (my husband). Maybe this all sounds like I'm being ridiculous I'm just really uncomfortable she is sleeping worth someone who is untested
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  #18  
Old 08-04-2013, 11:39 AM
london london is offline
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so if she got a test now and it was negative, would it alleviate your concerns? Because then, everyone your boyfriend sleeps with would be "clean" right? You are perfectly happy to assume your husband is clean based on the test results of other people so her having a "clean" test, the person that your partner is actually sleeping with, should be more than adequate for you. It should be more reassuring than the negative result of someone that neither you or your partner are sleeping with.

You're also ignoring this: there is a theoretical risk that although your metamour tests negative, her new partner (who is untested) could have something like herpes and just hasn't given it to her yet. This is also true for your untested husband who could have something like herpes and still, at this time, have partners who haven't contracted it yet, especially since he uses condoms with you and the other people he is having sex with. But so does your boyfriend, right? He is only fluid bonded with her, not you, so if his wife did get an std that he contracted, you still have the protection of condoms. You have oral sex with your husband, I assume, without condoms and you have no idea if he has an std - you just assume he doesn't because nobody he sleeps with has caught one. So you are assessing the risk differently seemingly because one person is your husband, and the others are our boyfriend and his girlfriend. I'm not on about this so much because I think herpes is such a huge risk or a terrible thing to have. It is just painfully obvious to me that you have different rules for different people that are based on things other than science and logic and you have a real issue dealing with your partners and metamours dating people who aren't known to you.

In my opinion, if this wasn't about the way you prioritise and privilege relationships, you would be perfectly happy to continue as you have been if either your boyfriend and/or his wife produce negative test results. There is no logical reason for you needing any test results from this man, especially when you don't need them from your husband.
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  #19  
Old 08-04-2013, 12:08 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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I'd be perfectly happy with a negative from her, my boyfriends wife, but she just started sleeping with this guy. I have asked my husband to get tested, he just hasn't yet. Yes I'm fine with my partner or his partner getting an additional testing done without asking this guy, I do agree he is far removed from me.

I don't think my feeling is out of the ordinary because a previous partner of my metamour was concerned when I myself wasn't tested yet, but my BF HAD been since he started sleeping with me (then I went and got tested)
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  #20  
Old 08-04-2013, 01:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You feel however it is you feel. If you feel uncomfortable, you feel uncomfortable. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually -- in all layers or only some, you feel uncomfortable. And that's ok and hardly unusual.

I think you could be making this be a bigger deal than it has to be on the asking front though.

You want to ask them things -- BF, wife, the OSO. So ASK. That doesn't mean they will grant your requests JUST because you ask. But they might be willing to work something out. You won't find that out unless you ask if they could be willing. (They control their own behavior. Maybe they are NOT willing, but you can't know that either until you ask.)

For yourself? You can control your own behavior. Have anyone who has sex with YOU to slap a condom on until test results are back in. Or don't have sex with them until the results come back in.

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